Jayne La Rox

Just another late night deep thinking junkie

[autisticallythinking]

Let me tell you a secret.

Most men, don't care what weight women are.

Most women, don't care what weight men are.

So, how do we get these outrageous body standards?

Something that I've seen over and over that has made me decide to write this.

Women become obsessed with their own weight personally, and because they do, it created this mental virus around them that spreads and everyone else starts to worry about their own weight. They thought she looked fine, but if she's worried about her weight, well maybe I should be too?

Then it goes on further, it travels to the guys. They start to pick up on what the woman think are perfect standards, fit, lean, toned, curvy, whatever. Then they become obsessed with it. If these beautiful goddesses don't think they look good, then heck, what about us? Big hairy beasty men?

They see that the men with bigger muscles get more women, more admiring glances, so they all start to put the pressure on themselves. What they don't is, those men so obsessed with their own weight have nothing of worth to talk about besides eating habits, weight gain/loss and obsessing over their partners weight that the women never stay around long.

It becomes a circle that travels, mothers pass that to kids, kids pass it to other kids, then it becomes a thing on media, and it just kind of grew into this huge big thing. For thousands of years, women, men have always feared that they aren't good enough, they don't look as handsome as that dude, or pretty as that woman.

But seriously! Let's stop for a minute.

There is a reason why we are all so uniquely different and shaped, why one is slender, and another curvy. Why one is lean and broad shouldered, and another solid and muscular.

BECAUSE WE DON'T LIKE THE SAME THING!

Maybe we should stop obsessing about our own weight, our own fears, for the people around us. Let's start wearing these beautiful bodies that carry such precious souls around in, with the confidence and pride they deserve, because they have kept us alive, fought tooth and nail to be here alive today.

Sure, I'm going to get fat, I'm going to be skinny, I'm going to get grey hairs and wrinkles, but that means I've lived. I've had children, I've seen many people things, walked many miles, seen some beautiful sun, and views. Let's start admiring people for the lives they have lived, not the body's that they live in.

[autisticallythinking]

You know how there is that saying; "When you meet the right guy he will change your life?" Or "When you meet someone they will change your life?"

I always thought that they would literally change your life, like they would make you into somebody else. Because I thought that, I allowed men into my life that controlled me and tried to make me into their own version of perfect. In doing so I continued to fail as a person, because I would never meet that incredibly high standard of being.

It wasn't until I started support working for my client now, that I truly realised what it meant to meet somebody who would change your life. He challenged my thinking, my way of life, my way of being, but just being curious about who I was as a person. As a result I looked at my choices, my decisions and I learned to know what I wanted and I liked.

When I learned to trust him, I started asking for advice, his own personal unique perspective on life gave me a different viewpoint to view mine at. He taught me to seek answers, to get help and to be strong enough to face the traumas of my past.

Funny ironic thing is, whenever I tell him he's doing my job (supporting me, instead of me supporting him) and thank him for his support, he turns around and says to me; "I didn't do anything, it was all you. You were the one who had the courage to go out and do it. All I did was say some things."

So people, I aim to be like him. I want people's lives to be effected in the right way, for them to challenge themselves, give themselves strength, courage and support to become the truly beautiful person they are deep down inside.

[autisticallythinking]

So I'm supposed to be sleeping, but you know how it is when your brain gets on a topic. I thought tonight, I would explain to you what my meltdowns look like and how they escalate if I don't stop them. Keep in mind that everyones meltdowns are different, and I'm a people pleaser, so I want to help people.

Step one for me, is irritation. Generally this happens if people ask too much of me, and its starts eating into my downtime. If I'm aware of this emotion at this stage, I will remind myself that I have choices and I am allowed to say no to requests.

Which leads on to stage two. Frustration. Frustration at people's "natural behavior" that they cannot control, and since I copy "natural behavior" and control it, sometimes I forget that this is something that people cannot control. To prevent this escalating further, I generally try to make time for myself, watching a movie, endlessly scrolling on fb, or zoning out.

If however I cannot, it leads into phase three, anger. Anger at people for being people and why can't they understand that sometimes I just cannot help, I can't do things the way they want, and it just rages out of control. Please understand, the whole time this is happening, its happening inside me. Nobody can tell what is going on unless my control slips, and if it does, it will only show as irritation. This one is hard to come back from, sometimes reading will help, or sitting in the sun in silence, or just staring at a wall, letting things slide through my mind.

Finally this leads to emotional silence (outwardly shutting down). Seems weird, but this silence for me feels like being cellotaped into a box and I'm spiralling into full blown panic. It feels like all this emotion is stuffed inside of me, and I desperately need to cry, to do something to release this. This leads me to seek a safe place, away from people. I can recognize this one, but it takes a lot longer to come back from, often I need a week alone, away from social events, just reading, watching movies, stroking my cat, or spending time training my horses. But a week is hard to come by in the real world, so I generally just let it go to the next stage.

The final emotion. Emotional release/tears/anger/frusteration. This very rarely happens but if I'm trapped into a corner and somebody is pushing me to do something (like talk), and regardless of the times I've asked to leave or tried to walk out, then it will unleash screaming (literally, upon them). This has only ever happened in extreme emotional distress moments (mental abuse, physical abuse). Most often, if I get to this point, I will release this emotion through boxing, crying hysterically in the bathroom until I start to throw up (a side effect of the build up of emotion), then I will calm down and everything eases back to a state of calm.

So yeah, that's what one of my meltdowns look like in stages.

[autisticallythinking]

You know you grew up poor when;

Cheese is a treat.

You can make something out of what other people deem "nothing".

When the "paycheck to paycheck" comment is a joke, because there is never enough money to pay the bills.

Eating is about survival not enjoyment.

Your gym workout is you walking to places to save money.

You ate bone broth before it became a "thing" using bones that normal people would feed to the dogs (now those same bones are so expensive).

Christmas wasn't anything special.

You hated begging or asking for money because you didn't want people to see you as poor.

[autisticallythinking]

I so badly want to help people who hurt, people who are in pain, to give people hope that have none, to give people something to live for, to give them the will to WANT to live. But all I can do is stand by and watch. Those people don't want my help, they definitely don't want my sympathy, or my empathy.

Since when did it become ok to live in your own personal version of hell? With everything in your life wanting to end you, kill you, trigger you and shove you back down that hellhole you came from.

I know we are all working through our own hellholes, some of us never find the way out, some do. I hope and pray that every single person I meet that lives in pain, finds their way out. Whether it's with help or not, I don't care, just as long as you make it out alive.

[autisticallythinking]

Is it just me, or does socializing make you feel empty too?

I game as a way to socialize, because sometimes meeting up with people in real life requires too much physical energy that I don't often have, due to the fact I live with a illness that snaps my strength.

I just got off of a two hour discord session with some friends and I feel sad, empty and alone. We were laughing and joking the whole time so it's not like it was a depressing chat.

I'm genuinely happy being alone, but for some reason spending time with people makes me unhappy. And no, it's not because they make me see how lonely I am, because its not that. I don't need people in my life, and often I don't want them there. I find people confusing, frustrating and very irritating.

My life alone is very full, I get to do what I want, when I want and that makes me happy, I also get a lot of chances to help people to keep me from becoming a selfish bastard.

So what is it then? I honestly don't know. I'll let you know when this autistic brain figures it out.

[autisticallythinking]

"He drinks his coffee, how he makes his girlfriends. Bitter, burnt and twisted. I will not be one of them."

[autisticallythinking]

People write often about the grief of mothers who are struggling to have children. I'm not trying to take anything away from them with what I'm about to write.

But, what about the women who cannot find a partner to have a family with? Those who grieve daily for a child, and a partner to support them but cannot find it, or feel like they will never have it?

I'm one of those people. I long, I crave a child, I crave a husband to help me raise my child. I see pregnant women, and I go home and I cry. I see my sister with her child and the special, beautiful bond they have and it HURTS. I hear married women talking about how they accidently got pregnant and how, oh well they didn't want it but they will love it anyway, and I feel the wound deep within my soul. I see husbands and wives together and I cannot describe the deep sorrow and pain I feel.

Don't get me wrong, I'm also so happy that they found each other and that they are able and can have kids.

I've had people ask me why don't I just have a kid. Honest truth? I grew up without a dad, and I never want that for my kid, I want someone who can be my partner in every sense of the word, somebody who can help show my child what it means to be loved and wanted.

I'm nearing my thirties and my child bearing years are running away with the speed of the warmth and light of a setting sun. And I grieve.

I have been in many relationships, but none of those men were the right ones, they would not have made good fathers or husbands. As much as I wanted them to be, they weren't.

With each day passing, I know I have maybe, if I'm lucky, a 50% chance of finding a good husband that may be, might be the right one. And even lesser chance of having kids with each day that passes. There is nothing more I want to experience motherhood in its rawest most brutal form. Childbirth, dirty nappies, puke, everything, because caring and raising a child is the most sacred thing a person can do.

And, adopting a child is something I would do. It's always been an option.

For now, I keep learning, keep hoping, praying, that may be, I'll get so lucky to find the man that will be my best friend and lover.

[autisticallythinking]

When I stayed at friend's houses as a kid, mum would send me off with a, "behave yourself!" As a kid, I was like, what does that even mean?

So I took it to mean, don't get upset, don't make a fuss, be ultra polite aka; say thank you and please until the cows come home, don't voice your opinion least you create problems. Basically, don't be yourself, be a robot.

Now as an adult, I still have no clue! If i was to tell my child that (if I actually have one one day) I would phrase it completely different. I would say instead, don't forget your please and thank you's and if you feel unhappy or uncomfortable in anyway, call me and I'll come and get you, no matter what time of day or night it is. Because let me tell you, there was times when I stayed at other people's houses that they made me so uncomfortable I wanted to leave and I had to stay there and bear it out.

[autisticallythinking]

I am raw

I am transparent

I am fragile

Hold me gently

Speak to me, softly

Give me time to trust

I can promise you that

Once I'm safe and strong

I'll be yours, forever

Carry me gently

Take care not to drop my soul

Cherish me always

My love.

19th June 2018

[autisticallythinking]

In a moment

In a breath

I was gone

Whispered away

On a soft breeze

I tried to hold on

I left it too late

I really didn't want to leave

But you left me nothing

No hope, no courage

No chance of even a smile

I was left alone

So I blew away

Carried on the wings

Of a gentle breeze

I was no more

I would have stayed

Had there been hope

19th June 2018

[autisticallythinking]

If only She was as determined to live, as She was to die.

[autisticallythinking]

I never used to be afraid of the dark. I think some kid somewhere taught me to be afraid of the things in the dark.

But long before that, I used to spend hours and hours outside just soaking in the peacefulness of the night.

I used to lie in the wet dewy grass and watch the stars steak across the sky until it was time to come in for dinner, or often, I would call out and say I wasn't hungry, and lay out there, not feeling the cold until it was time for bed.

Now, as an adult, I still fear the night, I tiptoe out there for a quick glance and back into the warm comfort of my bed.

One day, I'll get myself a pick up truck, or a ute as we call them here, and I'll make myself a nest of blankets on the flat deck, head somewhere way out in the country and teach myself to love the night again.

[autisticallythinking]

People out there say "masking" a lot out there. As an autistic brained person, masking for me is something completely different from what you know or ask.

I can walk into a room of people and be this, this happy bubble outgoing person whom everyone loves. Walk out the door and pull that mask off and be me. Me, who is quiet, who zones the world out to the point I can walk and end up somewhere and not know how I got there.

But I've spent my whole life pretending to be normal, to have the same reactions as everyone else. So much so that masking is almost too automatic.

Masking, for me is learning from experience what is the right reaction when someone tells me a story, masking is learning from experience what is the correct questions to ask a person to get the information I need to PRETEND to react. Yeah, pretend.

I'm no psychopath, I do have feelings, I have strong powerful feelings that overwhelm me to the point I cannot function like a normal person. I've learned from experience what to do when I start to feel that way, how to desensitize my brain, how to unload all of that so I can live my life somewhat.

The honest truth is, I don't know what to do with the information people give me, I don't know how to react when someone tells me something that is emotionally charged. I come across as heartless, cold, blunt and often cruel. I'm not, I care deeply for people too much to the point it wounds me deeply to see somebody in pain, but I cannot get this point across to people. It's like my brain, my actions and my words all disconnect.

[autisticallythinking]

Anybody ever get to the point, where they are dying to create, but they've tried/completed most creative things? I need some unique/fun creative things to do with my time. Being creative/trying new creative hobbies, has become my hobby lol. Halp.

[autisticallythinking]

The day when I realized nobody really cared about my opinion or what I had to say was a sad day.

The day I learned that nobody wanted to listen to me, or my thoughts was worse.

But what really killed me, was that nobody really cared about me at all.

Nobody cared to hear what I was passionate about, they didn't care about my funny story, they didn't care about the random piece of information that I learned about that subject, nobody cared at all.

I was ignored. People turned away when I spoke, they looked away when I came near, they stopped smiling when I looked at them. They talked about how I wasn't wanted while I was standing right next to them.

So I stopped speaking, I stopped sharing, and I stopped smiling. Still, nobody noticed. I stopped showing up to events, and nobody noticed. I disappeared for days off the radar, and still, nobody noticed. Nobody asked where I was, or if i was ok. Nobody cared. Nobody noticed.

But then I died. And suddenly, you all cared, and you all noticed. Only, I, know the truth. Right now, hearing this at my funeral, it's all for show. It's a show to those still alive that you cared more than the other person sitting next to you, if you really truly cared about me, then you wouldn't be here. I, wouldn't be here.

[autisticallythinking]

How come, when a man dresses as a woman, he's called a "Drag" or a "drag queen" but when a woman dresses like a man, she is called gay, or cross dressing. By all intents and purposes, shouldn't a woman dressing as a guy for fun be called a "Swag" or "Swag king"?