#autonomy is good

[weirdcultstuff]

Also if you are without opinions on ice cream, you can never go wrong with the most simple of vanilla (presuming you don't hate vanilla). Its okay to not have an opinion =) Owning that is just as valuable as owning your other opinions!

Your words ring true on all counts!

I think part of what was so frustrating was that people expected me to have more likes and dislikes than I’d ever been given space to develop, so it often seemed like I was people-pleasing when actually I just didn’t have a preference.

Previously, having preferences was a bit punished. When I left, sometimes not having preferences was a bit punished, or at least viewed as weird. Being given space to make choices based on other things, and space to make those same choices based on preferences whenever I wanted to, turned out to be the sort of environment that let me form likes and dislikes naturally and at my own pace. So for example:

1. I have to decide what ice cream I want

2. I explain that I don’t know what I want. I don’t care. I’d literally rather not have ice cream than decide what ice cream I want, it’s too much pressure and it feels weird and I’m afraid of making a bad choice and getting in some kind of trouble for it.

3. My new, non-cult friends say that’s okay (so validating! I was scared it was wrong to not know, and that was worrying because I didn’t know how to find out, and everyone else seemed to know what they wanted.)

4. I attempt to outsource the decision to my friends (my comfort zone! This is just How The World Worked for me in my previous environment.)

5. They don’t agree to make the decision for me because they already decided everything else about our hangout today and I obviously need some practice and positive reinforcement around making my own choices

6. I am given options in therapy on how to make decisions when I don’t know what I want-like flipping a coin or choosing things based on the day of the week

7. I make the decision that way, thereby both respecting my absence of preferences AND practicing having agency over my own decisions instead of having the nearest guy make my decisions

8. Nothing bad happens. I am astounded. Over time, when this keeps happening, my brain stops trying to protect me from the perceived danger ⚠️ of having and expressing likes and dislikes. I begin to form slight preferences, and can sometimes make decisions based off of them, the way everyone else is!

9. I find out there are things I really like. And that is a joy I can’t begin to explain. I had no idea how fun it is to really like something and then find that thing!

Pretty neat! Also vanilla is amazing 🤩

[weirdcultstuff]

Oooh, can I relate.

Speaking up about your feelings, I find, is a skill both difficult and worth developing. Often you might not have an opinion, often you might swallow your opinion for the sake of pleasing others. Figuring out the difference is not easy.

But everytime you express your opinion or what you need, you build strength to continue to do so and insight to know when you genuinely don't care, or when you are following a pattern of people pleasing.

It gets SOOO much better, I promise. Practice is hard but so worth it.

[weirdcultstuff]

[weirdcultstuff]

They said obedience was beautiful.

They said submission was fulfillment.

They said authority would be protection.

They said if I didn’t belong to a good man, I’d belong to the devil.

They said it was my job, and my purpose.

I believed them: I had no other options.

But now I have options.

And now I don’t belong to anyone but myself.

[weirdcultstuff]

One time someone told me, as a compliment, “Follow your passions! You’re so good at what you do.”

And I laughed and later I wrote in a journal something like: “Life isn’t a Disney movie, you can’t just follow your heart -your heart is corrupt, it will lead you down the wrong paths!”

And now, looking back, the fact that I accepted for twenty years ‘I and everything about me is evil and corrupt and can’t be trusted’ as a baseline fact of life is HECKIN PROBLEMATIC.

[weirdcultstuff]

[weirdcultstuff]

Sometimes when people would say, “it’s not your fault,” it felt icky. Because that meant that I was not so much a rebellious kid who got punished for her choices, I was actually just weak and an easy target. It felt pathetic.

So I’d argue, find ways to make it my fault. It made me feel bigger, more like I had agency and my life wasn’t just a series of consecutive tragedies. “I did something stupid,” I’d say, “and that’s why that happened. I make wild decisions sometimes!” But I also knew that they were probably right about some of it, and I really hated feeling so small and weak.

But then someone awesome told me that my weakness is not inherent, but rather it is circumstantial. They compared me to a plant that just never got the chance to grow strong like all my plant peers. And they told me it was really badass that I’d worked so hard for the sunlight and dirt and water that I’ll need to start growing strong now. They told me that I can grow strong now. I liked that idea a lot and I’ve found it to be true.

So, basically, my mental image of myself in the past 2 years(ish) has gone from rebel to weakling to protagonist.

And protagonist feels really, really good.

[weirdcultstuff]

So I’m still figuring out this autonomy stuff, but I think it’s kind of like irl Minecraft.

You can go wherever you want, build whatever you want. Set your own sleep schedule. Decide what you want to wear.

And if anyone tries to stop you, you can punch them with a carrot and then take their bones.