#autonomy takes practice

[weirdcultstuff]

Also if you are without opinions on ice cream, you can never go wrong with the most simple of vanilla (presuming you don't hate vanilla). Its okay to not have an opinion =) Owning that is just as valuable as owning your other opinions!

Your words ring true on all counts!

I think part of what was so frustrating was that people expected me to have more likes and dislikes than I’d ever been given space to develop, so it often seemed like I was people-pleasing when actually I just didn’t have a preference.

Previously, having preferences was a bit punished. When I left, sometimes not having preferences was a bit punished, or at least viewed as weird. Being given space to make choices based on other things, and space to make those same choices based on preferences whenever I wanted to, turned out to be the sort of environment that let me form likes and dislikes naturally and at my own pace. So for example:

1. I have to decide what ice cream I want

2. I explain that I don’t know what I want. I don’t care. I’d literally rather not have ice cream than decide what ice cream I want, it’s too much pressure and it feels weird and I’m afraid of making a bad choice and getting in some kind of trouble for it.

3. My new, non-cult friends say that’s okay (so validating! I was scared it was wrong to not know, and that was worrying because I didn’t know how to find out, and everyone else seemed to know what they wanted.)

4. I attempt to outsource the decision to my friends (my comfort zone! This is just How The World Worked for me in my previous environment.)

5. They don’t agree to make the decision for me because they already decided everything else about our hangout today and I obviously need some practice and positive reinforcement around making my own choices

6. I am given options in therapy on how to make decisions when I don’t know what I want-like flipping a coin or choosing things based on the day of the week

7. I make the decision that way, thereby both respecting my absence of preferences AND practicing having agency over my own decisions instead of having the nearest guy make my decisions

8. Nothing bad happens. I am astounded. Over time, when this keeps happening, my brain stops trying to protect me from the perceived danger ⚠️ of having and expressing likes and dislikes. I begin to form slight preferences, and can sometimes make decisions based off of them, the way everyone else is!

9. I find out there are things I really like. And that is a joy I can’t begin to explain. I had no idea how fun it is to really like something and then find that thing!

Pretty neat! Also vanilla is amazing 🤩

[weirdcultstuff]

Lol just tried to explain my discomfort with autonomy/daily-decision-making by saying “well, it was always so far outside my realm of operation, it just seems like a weird responsibility to have now. Like, imagine if you were asked to make a decision on who should be president! That type of just wild, out there stuff that isn’t normally your concern, yknow?” But y’all.

Y’all.

I forgot I have voting rights now too, I’m literally supposed to have an opinion on who should be president. I mean, jeez, it never ends 😭

[weirdcultstuff]

You know how weird and out of place you’d feel if you had to tell another person what to do all day? Like, yknow how it would be weird to have to say stuff like “oh, Abby, you can have a chicken sandwich” “James sit down right here on the blue chair” the entire time you were hanging out with your friends Abby and James? Like wouldn’t it be exhausting and kinda embarrassing to boss your friends around like that at every turn, even if everyone around you acted like it was normal? Wouldn’t it kinda suck to have to think about what decisions they should have made for them at every point in the day, every time a task change occurred?

That’s what it feels like to make decisions for myself in order to practice HaViNg AuToNoMy. It feels like I’m doing someone else’s job, and it feels pointless and frustrating and exhausting and embarrassing and I felt like I was being obnoxious and…..just……way outa line. Not working within my pay grade. Putting a ton of energy and effort into things that just weren’t my responsibility.

And THAT is why, when I’m out with friends, and they start to get concerned about whether I’m having a good time they ask me for the hundredth time what option I want, and I just kinda shrug and look away and then agree with whatever the first or the majority option seems to be, THAT IS WHY I DO THAT. I do not C A R E about the available options. I do not want options. I do not want to decree a choice like some child king. I do not have the mental and emotional resources to do this 37 times for the most arbitrary things imaginable in the space of a three hour hangout. Like Jesus fucking Christ, Greg, just tell me what ice cream flavor to order and let’s move on!!!!

[weirdcultstuff]

Oooh, can I relate.

Speaking up about your feelings, I find, is a skill both difficult and worth developing. Often you might not have an opinion, often you might swallow your opinion for the sake of pleasing others. Figuring out the difference is not easy.

But everytime you express your opinion or what you need, you build strength to continue to do so and insight to know when you genuinely don't care, or when you are following a pattern of people pleasing.

It gets SOOO much better, I promise. Practice is hard but so worth it.