It hurts so bad to know that I've worked my ass off all year for stuff. I put in the hours, I put in the attitude, I put in the prayers, the work, the determination, the sweat, blood, tears. I go OVER THE MOON for this.
And why? Why do you think?
I have to work at 6am tomorrow. Shit. I have to get off this computer.
But back to why I'm crying. Over the moon. I go over the freaking MOON over the UNIVERSE to make things the best that they can be. And it's not because I want to make my mommy proud, it's not because I want to learn a certain thing.
It's because I'm competitive in things that I'm passionate about. Speech competitions. Orchestra seating (damn that's scary). Newspaper editor positions. I WANT TO SUCCEED. I'm not here to just have a good time. I want to have a good time, yes, I love everyone that I'm around. I want to be friends with them. But my ultimate goal is to get that 1st place. To get that principal chair or get that solo. To get the editor-in-chief position.
So what am I supposed to do to get there, my naive self asks. What do you want me to do?
WORK YOUR ASS OFF. THAT IS WHAT YOU DO.
So what do I do? I work my ass off. That's what I do. I do exactly what is asked of me and MORE, way more. The world rewards those that do this sort of thing, right? That's the way that it seems.
No. The world doesn't reward you if you work hard. You can put in the hours, the determination, the prayers, the blood, sweat, and tears. Sometimes you just don't get it. No matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you stumbled trying to climb this mountain. You are still always denied reaching the summit. You will always be denied. While some that are rewarded, some that reach the peak, are those that slide by. Those that never worked more than a required half-an-hour at a speech. Those that only played a scale as practice before they went in for auditions. Those that never turn in writing, pages, and edits on time. And when they finally do turn it in, it's shitty. Some that are rewarded are those types of people.
So here I am, still climbing up the mountian. Four years I climbed this for you. FOUR FREAKING YEARS. I put in the effort. I put in the time (hell I put in every moment). I put in the expenses, the distances, the weather, the fear. I put in EVERYTHING for this. Just for this. And you know that. And what? You don't just not take my hand and lead me to the top. You don't just let me find my own way. You kick me off the very cliff and let me hang by the rope to get myself back up. You let me fall to the ground and lick my wounds while you glorify the one that's never respected you in the first place. I may have had my sarcastic, flippant moments with you. And so have you. You know what, though? That's not a sign that I don't care. That's a sign that I do. You know that I've always cared about you, about what needs to be done, and what you want to have done. What I want to have done. What everyone wants to have done. I carry that through. I listen to you. I talk to you. So even if this is what you are doing to me, you at least owe me the decency of being honest and saying that this is what you have done and why.
And most of all, don't act like there's nothing wrong. That just throws salt in these wounds. They're deep. And I'm just trying to lick them clean. After letting me fall off the cliff while praising someone that doesn't deserve this praise, I fall to the rocks and the grime. And it's pretty gross down there.
