Dominant Si: Si users are extremely grounded in the reality in front of them. They focus on what already exists and prefer to deal with concrete realities and facts instead of hypotheticals or abstract theories (the way he takes action based in facts he already knows). they also tend to be highly affected by the past (his past experiences with pm!Dazai).
Auxiliary Te: Te users are primarily concerned with structuring and ordering the world around them in an efficient and logical way. they often feel the need to take charge and bark orders in order to force the environment or situation to the go they way it needs to go. (consider his general persona & how he orders atsushi around when they were fighting Fyodor’s rock ability user {season3 cannibalism virus}).
Tertiary Fi: Fi notes how interactions with others make them feel. It gathers external data and translates it into reactions and emotions. Dominant Si makes Fi less sensitive to external information. Tertiary Fi may be surprising when it comes out in full force, as sudden passionate or indignant objections may seem out of character for the user (Akutagawa is generally calm & composed but can show extreme intensity of emotion regarding things important to him, eg- Dazai).
Inferior Ne: Ne takes in information about the external world around them and uses it to form many different possibilities, it try to rapidly jump from one thought to another, this is contrasted by Akutagawa’s grounded & orderly nature. But he is still adept at handling unforeseen situations; proving the presence of slightly underdeveloped Ne, hence making it the inferior function.
Anon wrote: Hello, I am INTJ 34F, thank you in advance for patience towards my super long post. My life is fine so far at least on face of it. But I have gone through some hardships which are not visible to outside world easily.
I was victim of child neglect where my parents ignored me and gave more importance to my brother as he is male child. The ignorance was hard for me and my self esteem was hit badly. I was deep introvert and hard fast logical thinker. My social or physical abilities were not developed as I never had any friends to play or social setup to mingle. Also, i never felt any need for same. My parents never tried to help me see where I am failing and how I can improve. I used to immerse myself in books and daydream. I tried to reason with my parents at times but I was very straightforward so they saw it as blunt and it didn't end well. I used to do all things in daydream which I don't do in real life.
The only thing I had was, I was good in studies. So I think that became my identity as that was only thing where I can shine and get attention. But lack of skills in other areas had impact on my confidence. This continued in college as well as job. In college, people used to call me reserved and maybe dull. In job, we had teamwork and because of my introversion and non developed social skill, they started calling me like I have ego issue etc etc. I was independent, low self expression and mainly focusing on work, no much small talk.. all ended up my image being kind of dark. I don't know what I did wrong.
At that point, I wasn't aware about my personality development issue or that I am child neglect victim. I never gave deep thought to any of this then. I used to shine in work due to my technical abilities and used to think that people are either jealous of my achievement or they need just entertainment. I was too busy with my life as well because I had family and young kid, so it was battle of time.
I got to know about MBTI in lockdown and realized that,
I have never accepted any issue with my parents even to myself
I have ignored my health a lot while pulling career
I have never paid attention to other people as in their feeling etc
I did not build strong network at work
I am kind of blind to others strength because I value only intelligence too much
I went on to build life I want with such a focus that I totally missed on other thing. Somehow, money and career advancement became point of self esteem for me
The only good thing is, I am very open to people in my inner circle and they know me, value me, respect me
I wasn't self aware, did not handle my introversion properly. In order to open up to people, I have landed in awkward social situations and then gave up getting frustrated
There was huge gap between how I see myself and how others see me. I didn't know why this is happening
I have burned bridges with few people when they were open to have discussions
Now, I feel terrible. I miss people I have hurt or misbehaved. There are few career opportunities I have lost. I am not sure if this is sign of immature INTJ or something to do with my childhood or entirely different issue.
Once I knew MBTI, I researched and improved a lot. Now, I am far more balanced person. My husband and other close people are noticing change in me and in general, I can sense it myself. But, I am not able to let go past. It's like I am carrying it in my head that I was like this. I don't have any shame associated with it. I am ok with my past but I just want to live free and close that chapter in my head permanently.
There are few people who I really miss but now can not go back and make things right. I am having hard time accepting it. I keep on regretting myself like why I wasn't aware about all this little earlier
I would like to hear your thoughts as they help me clear my head
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The topic of regretting past mistakes comes up often, search the relevant tags, like this post. It doesn't really matter "when" you learned, as long as you did eventually. If "when" matters so much to you, then perhaps you have some pridefulness issue to work through due to having an unrealistic image of what you "should" be. Unrealistic images are a common path to self-inflicted suffering.
You spend a lot of time punishing yourself for mistakes and not enough time appreciating how they allowed you to progress and grow. What would your life be without mistakes? Without them, you'd have far fewer opportunities to realize the truth of yourself. In other words, your perspective on mistakes is problematic. They should be embraced rather than derided.
People only do what they know. You can't know everything or be good at everything. Once you've learned what you didn't know, you ought to forgive yourself for the past ignorance. Whatever you imagine was the "perfect" way to handle things doesn't really exist. If you could've done better back then, you would've.
Take control of your mind: Let go of the imaginary scenarios you've created of the past or imaginary ideals of what you should've been and proceed with humility in facing up to the current state of your shortcomings, flaws, and weaknesses (requires Te). The process of living is experiencing and growing. Or do you believe it's about being born perfect out of the womb?
Anon wrote: Hi! I’ve read a lot of your posts, especially your ones about the inferior functions which was really informative to me. (Thank you!). I am fairly sure that I am an XSTJ type. I was wondering if you could give your insight on which one you think is more likely? I can’t figure out the order of the functions but I think I use Si Te Ne and Fi. Sorry this is kind of long.
For background on my Fi section - I have recently had some problems in a workplace — bullying/unsafe practice/poor management. It escalated and fell apart in a big way (I got screwed over basically lol) and I eventually made the tough decision to leave for my own well-being. I had been involved with the company for 2 years and gave everything I had to that company. It was my dream job and I worked so hard for it. And I worked so hard for my degree too. My friends and family and even colleagues told me it wasn’t my fault and they would’ve quit too and they told me I handled it well. I feel like I defined myself on my work. I was so proud of my … success? I guess. I don’t even know.
This first part I have this sort of recurring issue in my life where something goes wrong at work for example and I start feeling this way when normally i’m fairly level headed and ambitious. I think it’s Fi, and maybe inferior? I thought I was an ISTJ but your description of inferior Fi really landed with me lol.
It’s like I’m having some sort of existential crisis. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore or maybe I never did. I question everything about myself. I am trying so hard to figure out what matters to me and I can’t. I don’t know where to go in life. I’m so emotional for no reason. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I’m pushing my friends and family away because I’m embarrassed that I had to leave my job. I’ve isolated myself from everyone. I feel so irritable all the time and I hate it. I feel like I failed.
People close to me have told me I need to stop being so hard on myself but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m wasting my time and my life by being so emotional. It’s so incredibly frustrating. It’s not like me, usually I bounce back and try again but this has really shaken me up. I feel like I should ‘follow my heart’ so I can be happy and fulfilled but I don’t even know what I want and I’m wasting time trying to decide, the more time passes the more restless I feel. I’m so scared of getting old and dying with regrets about the way I’ve lived my life. I think I’m also scared of not being able to make my family proud or make myself proud. I’m so torn and lost. I don’t know how to stop defining myself and my worth on like … working lmao.
More generally, I think I can get stuck in patterns where I worry excessively about my values and who I really am. It happens maybe a couple times a year lmao. But I also think I usually do know my values? There are things I don’t tolerate and have no patience for and like I wouldn’t change my mind on it cos it’s one of my core values. Like, bullying/injustice/unfairness etc. So I don’t know if my Fi is inferior. I have a lot of feelings, I just usually like to avoid them but I’m getting better at dealing with them on a day to day basis, unless something happens like my work drama. I don’t share my feelings with people easily cos I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I know it’s like a necessary part of the human experience though.
When I was in my teens I went to therapy and didn’t cry in therapy for years lol. Every time I almost cried I stopped talking and pushed it down until I could continue. They always told me it’s okay to cry but I always told them I hate crying cos it makes me feel weak. I’ve grown up some since then lol and i know crying or emotion isn’t a weakness. Logically I know that and would never consider someone else weak for crying or expressing emotion. I think it’s a good thing and healthy. Still, I struggle to stop seeing it that way in myself and always beat myself up when I know I shouldn’t. It’s one of my biggest struggles in life. I do cry in front of some people now though hahaha. (And then feel v embarrassed later!) lol.
For Ne, I have a tendency to catastrophize and assume the worst. Like, if one of my family members goes out for a drive and doesn’t text me when I know they should have arrived at the destination by now. I start to think something bad must have happened to them and I start panicking.
It used to be way worse when I was younger and I did it with everything. Car trips, plane rides, being picked up late from school, etc. Maybe that’s just anxiety tho? I tend to prepare for the worst because I don’t like getting caught off guard. I’m known for being a worry-er in my family lol. I worry about everyone. I heard that like imagining multiple worst scenarios for a situation can be low/ inferior Ne.
I think I can use Ne sometimes though. I’m bad at mind mapping and stuff like that, it doesn’t come naturally but I’m good at planning holidays and coming up with ideas of places to go or things to do/see. I get excited about stuff like that, and I like thinking about the future and possibilities of things I could do. I just tend to be more focused on like my life in the here-and-now. And I have to try pretty hard to think in that big expansive mind-map way lol. I sucked at doing mind maps in school.
I think I’m maybe a Si user, because I don’t think I’d even exist without memories. Everything I do and see and experience is for and guided by my memories. Idk though that’s probably true for everyone, do individual people even exist without their memories? it’s like, what makes us unique. There’d be hardly any difference between people if it weren’t for their memories and experiences. Everything i’ve ever done, ever seen, smelled, touched, tasted or heard has made me who I am. I can’t go anywhere without being reminded of the experiences and connections i’ve had before. It’s just intrinsic to who I am. Part of the reason I love music is just the way it can bring you back to an exact moment in time and you can relive it like you’re there. It’s the way I navigate the world I think. I know what to do because i’ve seen it before and if I haven’t then i research to figure out how. I can’t just do things with no preparation.
Te — I think it’s maybe Aux or not dominant because i find it hard to think about how I use it lol, I just do. but idk I’ll try. I rely heavily on data and facts and statistics. I won’t believe anything without proof. I won’t make a claim if I can’t back it up with reliable evidence. I care about efficiency, I like things to be done and done right lol. I often end up doing things myself in group projects and organising the work + delegating tasks to everyone else. When I was studying I organised like all the group work cos otherwise nothing got done lol. And I usually ended up editing and cutting it together at the end so I could make sure it was coherent and looked good.
I like to help my family organise their life admin stuff because I’m good at it. I plan holidays cos I’m good at it, I know how to make a plan that makes sense and works. I research where things are in relation to each other so I can make an itinerary that gets the most done each day with the least amount of time wasted on travelling from A to B etc. I was good at making step by step plans for essay writing at uni and then followed them to get it done. I love writing to do lists for myself and using schedules. I can’t work without a to do list or a schedule lol i write one like every day. Even when I had jobs where I did the same thing every day I wrote a list to keep me on track.
When my friends have their lives falling apart they usually come to me to help them with a game plan lol. Sometimes I do get overwhelmed and stressed, but I feel like in serious crisis situations I’m usually able to put aside any feelings and just get shit done. I’ve had family medical emergencies on my hands before or a loved one getting evicted before and have managed to just go into action mode and deal with the problem first and then feel however i feel about what happened a few days later lmao. Feelings get in the way in situations like that imo and there’s no time for it when shit is hitting the fan. I can be bossy sometimes in moments like that but usually apologise later and people understand that I was just dealing w the problem at hand lol and my bossiness wasn’t personal.
I just thought of an example of what I think is me using Te. There was one time where I was with my mum and brother. Somehow a chemical got spilled on the tiles, was left there overnight and kinda destroyed them. My mum was like absolutely devastated and got so emotional and angry, she was blaming herself and also thinking we would have to spend a lot of money to get it fixed and then regretting buying the house in the first place because it has these tiles haha like she was so upset, my brother was mostly just standing there looking concerned and trying to calm her down. I had no idea how to clean chemicals off that type of of tile nor what to do to fix it when it was destroyed by chemicals.
The most obvious and simple solution to me was to just google what to do and find out. (and part of me was surprised that they hadn’t done it yet lmao). So I did that, found out what kind of tiles they were and how to clean off the chemical without making it worse etc. (checked a few different sources to make sure it was reliable info) And then I told them what I’d read and suggested we try it. And then i told everyone what we needed to get and what we needed to do and the 3 of us got to work lmao. And the tiles looked sooo much better after. Everyone stopped freaking out and it was fine, we ended up having fun cleaning the tiles together lol. And then my mum and brother were like ‘good job!’ and were thanking me. I remember thinking it was kinda silly to thank me for that cos I barely did anything to be thanked for, like I literally couldn’t imagine going about that situation in any other way. it was the only thing to do that made sense.
Anyway ok I’m gonna leave it here. If you read this far thank you so much for your time. I’d be grateful for your opinion but I also understand you get a lot of asks like this so I get it if not! Thanks again!
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All type assessment requests must follow the instructions on the contact page carefully. You must answer all the questions from the Function Theory Guide for every function of the two stacks you are comparing. It is especially important to address all the points meticulously when you are comparing two very similar types like ISTJ and ESTJ.
Since you didn't follow the instructions properly, the info you provided isn't enough for me to draw any firm conclusion about your type. The most I can say is that nothing you've brought up makes me doubt ISTJ. What you seem to believe is inferior Fi (grip) isn't very convincing to me so far. You also mention receiving therapy and did not specify the reason, but that would be a very important clue for determining unhealthy aspects of your function use.
About the existential crisis: There's nothing wrong with taking pride in your work. As an individual, you have the freedom to decide how much to value work among all the other things in your life. While it's important to know and honor your values, in the real world, you don't have the time, energy, or resources to value everything equally. There are no perfect decisions, no such thing as "having it all". When you choose one path, other paths become unavailable to you. Practical limitations and constraints force you into valuing some things more than others, and you have to make some difficult trade-offs in order to keep life moving forward.
Every trade-off you make will have its up and down sides. The downside to devoting so much of yourself to career is that you will be prone to feeling some form of devastation when things go wrong in that area of your life. Similarly, the stay-at-home parent who identifies too strongly with being a parent will suffer some form of devastation when the kids grow up and move out. The price of living a life fully engaged with what you're doing is feeling a sense of loss or grief when it inevitably ends.
Every trade-off you make in life has consequences. You might not feel them right away, but they will come eventually. How do you deal with them? There are a variety of possibilities:
"Diversification": Make your trade-offs wisely so that you mitigate the impact of the consequences. For example, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Have other equally valid ways of defining your identity. However, this means spreading yourself more thinly.
"Commitment": Follow through with your decisions to the very end. Take full responsibility for the trade-offs you make, which means fully embracing the consequences incurred. In other words, accept the reality of your situation and keep moving along.
"Change": Perhaps the devastation was a sign that you need to do things differently or make different choices. Enact the change that is required to avoid suffering the same sort of devastation again.
"Reframe": Look at your devastation from various angles. Is there a different way to find meaning in it? For example, perhaps you're blowing the situation out of proportion? The problem wasn't that you failed? The problem was you were working for a company with terrible leadership that did not allow you to flourish? Therefore, the lesson isn't to quit the work and give up your identity, but to quit the company and find a better company that truly appreciates your talent and devotion. Or start your own company with full control over how it operates.
You mention recurring issues with managing feelings and emotions. It seems to stem from a tendency to interpret situations much more negatively than is warranted, which leads you to get trapped in the most negative perspective available. The stubborn refusal to see your experiences differently even when others point out how wrong you are might be indicative of Si+Fi loop. The lack of open-mindedness, in terms of not being able to acknowledge or generate alternative viewpoints, might be indicative of inferior Ne. ESTJs are usually more mentally flexible than that and also much more willing to rationalize away their failures, which doesn't fit with your tendency to feel excessively responsible, embarrassed, and ashamed for everything.
Thus, there is compelling evidence that Te+Ne development is required for getting out of the (Si+Fi) mental trap, which suggests that your extraverted funcitons are the weaker pair. It sounds like the most logical way out of the existential crisis is to take control of your life and start a new chapter, to find a place where you can feel both fulfilled and appreciated. Are you resisting proper use of Te? If so, perhaps you need to reflect on why.
hi i’m an istj. i fear the problem im going to describe is resolved by being more Te proactive and taking on more leader responsibilities and failing. just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable. anyway i get involved with groups that align with my values to get things done but it always feels like i somehow join things that aren’t as efficient as i’d want them to be or stagnate. at the same time that i have strong opinions about what to do i resent having to take on more responsibility to enact it. i want to be part of an established, moral, process/group but it seems like everything is in flux all the time. just making sure: is this Te-Ne dysfunction ?
Your question is about type development. An important aspect of type development is understanding the weaknesses and flaws of your type, in terms of the ways that your type tends to misuse functions. You seem to believe that your problem boils down to a simple lack of desire to lead in group situations (weak Te?), but it probably goes far deeper than that.
Si-Ne problems often manifest as a general aversion to change, specifically, unwillingness to change how one looks at a situation, which would then significantly alter one's approach to it. Imbalance between Si and Ne becomes a very unhealthy stubbornness when one is also prone to Si-Fi loop that thinks in terms of pure absolutes. In essence, you believe what you believe and you want what you want, and nothing and nobody can break through that mental wall. Perhaps not even you.
Auxiliary development is meant to help with Si extremes and Si-Fi loop stubbornness by making you care more about empirical facts (Te) than your frustration (Fi). It isn't always easy to develop the auxiliary function when you come to believe that it interferes with what makes Si feel most comfortable (e.g. "just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable"). If using the auxiliary function feels so "tiring", it doesn't mean that you should avoid using it. Quite the contrary. It's an indication that you haven't yet learned to use it properly, which means further development is necessary.
Te wants efficiency, that much is true. However, what separates immature Te from mature Te is how exactly one conceptualizes "efficiency". When Te is immature, one has a very rudimentary understanding of how to be efficient. For example, one is likely to believe that efficiency is achieved through assertiveness or even brute force, i.e., "making" things happen despite all the obstacles in the way. Is it any wonder that using Te feels tiring, then? You're essentially forcing yourself to swim against the current. Si doms are painfully aware that their energy is finite, so they quickly run out of steam.
However, Te isn't really about mustering up energy. This is not what makes TJs smart, strong, and formidable. Mature Te conceptualizes efficiency as reducing the amount of energy required whenever possible, which is why they have a lot of energy to take on very heavy workloads - some people call it "working smart". This is done through facing the empirical facts of a situation head on and learning to work closely with them, which makes it far easier to make them work in your favor.
Your problem requires a two pronged attack:
Are you able to change how you look at situations in order to improve your approach (to address Si-Ne imbalance)?
Are you able to face the empirical facts of the situation and work with them rather than against them (to develop better use of Te)?
Wanting to be part of a process/group that aligns with your values in order to enact some good in the world is an admirable thing to strive for. Presumably, the other people involved in the group have the same sense of mission, otherwise, they wouldn't have joined. However, what you fail to take into account is that people aren't generally single-minded.
Human beings are complex because they are motivated by a multitude of factors, whether they realize it or not. They are full of psychological conflicts, contradictory desires, irrational impulses, old baggage, and unconscious bad habits. And when you bring people together, all that stuff comes out and creates complicated entanglements. A "group" only becomes a "team" when it is able to overcome those psychological obstacles together, and it can be a very long process of learning how to maximize strengths and mitigate weaknesses in every individual member. That's why a lot of groups simply fall apart. While your intention to join the group seems simple and straightforward (because Si-Te is admirable in its ability to keep things simple and straightforward), other people's intentions might not be so simple. If you fail to take into account the irrational aspects of human nature, you will cause yourself needless suffering.
Your frustration with people is likely a manifestation of your unrealistic expectations of them. Perhaps you aren't able to understand people who don't resemble you, let alone work with them. And you will certainly be doomed to fail if the only way Te knows to deal with individual differences is to force everyone to become more like you. That's an impossible task, not because it requires the energy of a thousand suns as you assume, but because you're choosing to fight against reality. Mature Te would advise that you should first face down the empirical facts of how people operate if you hope to discover the most effective way to influence them. Your repeated experience of feeling disenchanted with groups tells you that you're missing an important piece of knowledge about groups and how they operate.
I'll give you a very simple example from my own life. I used to gather with a group of 30-50 people once a week to conduct planned discussions. The discussions never really started on time despite everyone being in their seats because people weren't focused enough at the start of the session. There was often whispering and sidetalking and such that would go on for about half an hour before the room felt settled and focused.
One method of addressing the problem arose organically. Whoever was the main speaker simply started shushing people and it became a thing. Sometimes, it would even escalate to calling people out, like a teacher scolding a student in a classroom. This definitely made the social atmosphere less inviting and more tense. Sure, people would shut up after being called out, but they became less focused due to seething with resentment. Power struggles aren't great for group morale, especially if it's supposed to be a group of equals coming together for a common cause.
It all sounds quite childish, but these kinds of judgments are useless. You can call people childish, inefficient, incompetent, etc etc, but it doesn't solve the problem. And, worse, being judgmental blocks you from understanding people better and working with them. Perhaps an ISTJ would see this as a "mess", an "inefficiency" that wastes time, and evidence of bad character when people break the rules.
However, if you change the way you look at the situation, you might not be so quick to make such judgments. Actually, it's kind of weird for a bunch of people who know each other well to enter a room and immediately sit down quietly. Humans have a natural tendency to socialize as a way to strengthen interpersonal bonds. Isn't group cohesiveness a good thing, since it encourages better cooperation? If you are able to see the benefits of their chatty behavior and how it contributes to group cohesiveness, then instead of fighting against it, you would think of ways to harness it.
The real problem wasn't inefficiency; inefficiency was merely the symptom. The more primary problem was that a lot of people joined the group not just to "get things done", but also to make friends. The structure of the event denied them from fulfilling that important need and then they were more likely to act out. This problem was discovered when people had a chance to talk about what was frustrating them, which meant that the group had to make space to conduct some uncomfortable conversations.
To address the problem, the group eventually decided that the first 15 minutes would be devoted to socializing and allowing people to catch up, with the explicit promise to get down to business when the time was up. Some people brought drinks, others brought snacks. Some even showed up early to have more time to socialize. It enlivened people and enriched their relationships. Being "officially" allowed to get the chattiness out of their system, they were better able to sit down and focus on the planned agenda. The meeting felt like fun rather than a chore. And if you're interested in a cause, don't you want to recruit more people to support it? Making things more fun is one good way to attract support. You can look at it as wasting 15 minutes OR you can look at it as a 15 minute investment.
Solutions to human problems require:
cognitive empathy: figuring out what's really going on inside people's heads (in Te terms it means working only with the empirical facts of the situation, rather than indulging negative Fi judgments)
strategy: taking the time to work with people and figuring out the best way to help them get over obstacles (in Te terms it means investing energy early and wisely to maximize your returns later, rather than putting effort into the wrong places or only stepping in to tackle mere symptoms of the problem)
creativity: harnessing natural human tendencies to produce something useful or worthwhile (in Te terms in means taking what's already there and transforming it into a NET positive, rather than getting too fixated on every little negative detail and losing sight of the bigger picture)
Te can be a great function for dealing with human problems as long as you overcome the immature aspects of it, such as impatience, bluntness, or inflexibility. Every person is unique, so every group is different. Let go of the idea that there is only one way to approach a problem/conflict and you will start to be more creative in your approach. By accepting the fact that things are always in flux and using empirical evidence to understand and predict how change works, TJs become much more effective and efficient at everything they do. When it comes to people, meeting someone different from you is an opportunity to learn how to deal with that kind of person. The more knowledge you have of human psychology under your belt, the better you get at dealing with people's weird or negative tendencies. If a strategy works, use it again. If it doesn't work, adjust it to fit their psychology better.
In your situation, you see the problem as people being inefficient, so your inclination is to step forward and do something to "make" them more efficient. Humans aren't built with the prime directive to be efficient. They're not machines. Their psychology is messy, so trying to force them to behave like a machine is to force them to go against their psychology. In other words, you're choosing the least efficient approach. The more efficient approach, though it requires more intelligent thinking on your part (you want to become more intelligent, right?), is to properly understand the more primary problem of what's really causing them to be so inefficient in the first place. That is the way to discover the right strategy. If you are able to target those obstacles at the very root, efficiency improves more naturally.
Oftentimes, working smart doesn't require you to step up and be THE leader for everyone. As an introvert, it's probably more comfortable for you to work behind the scenes to talk to people, get a better idea of what they need and/or what problems they're experiencing, and incrementally remove the obstacles that are preventing them from focusing on what they should be focused on. You can't fix everything all at once, so just do what you can to fix what you are able to fix at any given point in time. It's a process and some progress is better than no progress.
Hi, INTJ here, early 40s. For the last 15 years I constantly feel bad if someone has more material wealth then I. I am doing really ok, but I still compare myself and the end result is the same: I see someone having more and my mood is down for hours or days. However if I am in the environment where this this wealth of others is not visible I don't really focus on it. Why this happening, since I not that driven just to earn money, but it puts me in this awkward state constantly. Thanks!
You can’t solve a problem when you don’t really understand the cause. "Feeling down" is too vague. What is being triggered exactly?
Are you describing envy? People generally feel envious when they make social comparisons and realize they don’t measure up to others - you feel like a lesser person and it hits your self-esteem. You look at others and ask yourself “why can’t I have that” or “why can’t I be that”? However, these social comparisons are ultimately unfair because they are based on faulty underlying beliefs and biased assessments of value/worth.
Or are you describing greed? Greed is not too different from addiction. When your spiritual needs go chronically neglected and unmet, it’s easy to develop irrational cravings and get addicted to anything that distracts you from your existential discontent. In the case of material wealth, greed often takes the form of an explicable desire to accumulate/possess things. However, the desire is bottomless, because material things ultimately cannot fulfill spiritual needs. You will continually feel tempted to accumulate/possess until your spiritual needs are properly addressed. “Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.“
Envy seems more likely, since you said you are “not that driven just to earn money”. If that’s true, is it safe to assume you understand the concept of individuality? Everyone has their own unique circumstances to deal with in life. Everyone has their own ideas, beliefs, values, and path to travel. You must believe this, otherwise, you would be just another money/status chaser, in the manner society pressures you to be? Therefore, the question is how strong do you stand in your beliefs and principles? Not very strong, since you are so easily influenced to forget them in a moment of envy? When you ask “why can’t I have that?”, do you stop to ask whether that is really what YOU are meant to have?
Do you know what standards you use to evaluate your own value/worth and are they fair and reasonable? Everyone makes calculations about whether they “measure up” to external standards. There are some external standards that should be respected and adopted, if you hope to feel as though you are “successful” in the world, but not all standards are applicable or suitable measurements for everyone. To become a mature individual is to make a conscious choice to use FAIR standards to evaluate the value/worth of individuals. “Fair” means you don’t paint everyone with the same brush; you let individuality flourish as it needs to. For INTJs, fair-mindedness comes from developing Fi to counter Te overindulgence.
Another good way to address envy is to practice being appreciative and grateful for what you have. In some ways, life is fair, because to get one thing, you usually have to give up something else, i.e., we all have to make trade-offs in life. If you want to reach the top of the corporate ladder, you won’t have as much time for a personal life. If you want to be a devoted parent, you won’t have as much time for your spouse. If you want to be free to roam around, you won’t have any sense of stability.
To be a mature person is to take responsibility for your choices and appreciate what you got out of them for making you into the person you are today, rather than always thinking about what you gave up. If you’re not happy with the person you are today, then you’ve likely made poor decisions and need to reflect on how to make better trade-offs.
Is disregarding things entirely when you don't see the appeal a sign of being unhealthy? Asking as an INTJ, who may or may not have managed to anger a few people. I think as a result, I'm often seen as rude and pretentious/holier than thou, but I'd like to think I'm not actually that narrow.
Immature INTJs don’t have the self-awareness to know that they suffer Te and Fi development problems. Unhealthy Te-Fi manifests as overconfidence that often borders on conceit. It makes one very judgmental and believe that one’s judgments are always right (and quick to dismiss evidence to the contrary). In order to learn well, one must have: 1) the intellectual humility to admit to one’s ignorance, and 2) the mental flexibility to accept new ideas and change one’s perspective. But when you have total confidence in your judgments, what reason would you have to venture beyond them?
As a personality trait, narrow-mindedness, by definition, not only means that you fail to consider other possibilities (ignorance), it goes further to imply that you refuse to consider them (stubbornness), which serves to keep you blind to your own narrow-mindedness. I don’t know you, so whether you suffer from this problem is for you to reflect on. What I can tell you is that personal growth doesn’t happen until a person learns to be completely honest about their shortcomings and works to improve upon them.
I'm the INTJ who talked about self-awareness. I keep being terse, dominating conversations, and generally putting people off but I often don't know what I'm doing to put people off. I don't realize that I'm being immature (e.g., abruptly dismissing bad ideas without being tactful about it) until well after a conversation. I struggle with identifying when I'm doing this so it's difficult to stop but it's interfering with my ability to work with other people effectively. (1/?)
[con’t: I have depression that has worsened in the pandemic and it's made me very tired and uninterested in pretty much anything. I work very slowly now and procrastinate. I'm a college student set to graduate soon. I don't have family and the only person I have in my life is my partner. He wants different things for his future, including where to live, so we decided we should part ways. I'm mourning the loss of the relationship. I'm worried I won't be hired (for many reasons), I'm financially unstable, will soon lack any safety net/support system. I constantly feel exhausted and any time my plans are derailed it's hard to muster energy to continue. My head often feels foggy and it's hard to think. I feel like I've painted myself into a corner and can't find my way out. This time is critical for networking and I keep burning what few bridges I made. Contingency planning usually makes me feel better but the fear has been taking over and it's hard to see a way for it to work out.]
Unfortunately, this still doesn’t get to the heart of the matter, so my previous reply still stands. TJs are independent, strong-willed, and fearless people who know how to take life into their own hands. TJs should be energized by using Te to re-organize life, make plans, pinpoint and solve problems systematically (one by one), and increase efficiency and productivity. Thus, once again, this raises the question of why Te isn’t working for you. Is it because you are mistyped? Is it because your way of using Te is wrong and you don’t realize it? Is it because you have encountered too many setbacks such that you’ve given up hope? Is it because you have a deeper problem of unhealthy dominant Ni?
If the problem is actually unhealthy Ni, then you need to work on using it better. Envision a path forward. Reflect on your life, what you want to accomplish, what goals would be meaningful to you, etc. Only when Ni is healthy should you deploy Te to create forward movement. It seems that you lack imagination and thus aren’t able to change your outlook. Why is that? Life is constantly throwing obstacles at us all. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. But that’s also how we learn and grow. It’s up to you to adapt to obstacles creatively, if you don’t want to get stuck in life. There’s nothing more I can say about type development until you get to the bottom of the Te failure. If there is a mental disorder interfering with type development, such as depression, it needs to be addressed first.
In terms of mental health, it’s obvious that you’re experiencing too many negative things all at once and getting overwhelmed by the stress, but it’s still unclear whether there is a more deep-seated issue in you than external stress. We are living through a difficult pandemic, so it’s understandable that problems tend to fester when there are fewer opportunities to solve them. Feeling down during a down time is normal. You say you have depression. Is it a serious lifelong problem? Are you getting treatment for it? If not, I strongly recommend that you get professional help. A specialist can help you better determine whether depression is more the cause or the result of your problems. They can help you be more objective about your circumstances and sort through issues logically. They should also be able to help stabilize your mood. Once you are more emotionally stable, your head is clearer, you’ll have a better chance of finding good solutions to your problems.
You mention the word “fear” only in the last sentence yet it is the most important word in your whole message, since you claim it is the thing holding you down. What are you afraid of exactly? TJs tend to be fearless because Te allows them to efficiently eliminate all sources of fear. Therefore, that’s what type theory would logically advise TJs to do. If that doesn’t work for you, then you need to dig into the fear in order to discover the deeper truth behind it. If you aren’t able to do it on your own, a therapist should be able to guide you if you ask them.
Hi, I'm an intj in need of advice for self-improvement and if possible, clarity about what is going on with me. I'm overindulging in self-pity and wallowing. I'm struggling with self-awareness, focus, and procrastination/staying on top of my self-created timelines. I have a lot of uncertainties coming up in my future and I don't feel confident in dealing with them effectively or successfully. I keep getting distracted by my emotions, am overly sensitive, and keep feeling resigned/depressed.
What do you mean by struggling with “self-awareness”? I’m zeroing in on that particular word because it isn’t really an INTJ issue. Also, what you describe isn’t quite Fi loop. This means I have to take an extra step to ensure that you aren’t mistyped and trying to develop the wrong functions.
INTJs are extremely concise and efficient thinkers. They don’t leave much room for distraction or emotion. If they see a problem, they solve it immediately. Describe to me what you’ve already tried for solving your problem. It seems that you have been unable to pinpoint your exact problem and thus don’t do anything about it? You say you’re struggling with your “timelines”. Time management is simply a matter of organizing your schedule better, isn’t it? TJs shouldn’t struggle with that. All you have to do is create a schedule that ensures 1) better work-life balance, and 2) more realistic expectations.
But organizing isn’t the root of the issue, is it? The root seems to be some kind of deep emotional problem that you’re not really getting at. People don’t just randomly suffer from emotional problems. There should be some source. Until you can describe the source of the problem better, I can’t really help.
You say that you lack confidence due to uncertainty. The INTJ way of building confidence is to exercise control, to be more productive, to organize time better, to make more efficient plans, to set tangible goals and objectives, to learn the skills they need, etc -> proper Te use. They would mitigate and minimize uncertainty with intelligent contingency planning. Would that make you feel better? If not, Te is not the problem and you need to dig deeper to figure out what the problem really is. Otherwise, I can only generally advise INTJs to use Ni+Te better, as prescribed by type development theory.
