2 days ago, I woke up to an empty bed and a text from my spouse of 9 years that said "You made me promise that if I couldn't take it anymore I would go. I can't handle your temperament anymore, you scare me"
I-- I'm at a loss for this, I've been without my medication for almost 3 years, and I have anxiety, bpd, and way more. I was doing everything I could. I tried keeping the house when I wasn't sick.
Then I got diagnosed with MS and they wanted to open the polycule.
Fuck I'm so stupid.
I hate that when they dipped when I can finally get my medication because I found out today that my university will get me medication and therapy, so I can finally have what I need, how fucking cold is that.
La, la la, now everybody's singing
Yeah, that's kinda what it feels like.
Is this really happening?
You cant hide, not when we both know exactly what you crave.
I will always own you, dear one. My darling.
So run if you want. I'll enjoy the hunt.
It wouldn't be fun if I made it easy, the harder I am to find, the better the reward when you do, and I'm forced to face the reality that my protest and resistance are irrelevant.
Especially when you get me alone and I'm powerless to deny you
Whhoooooo boy it's been a time, but I think I'm finally safe at a plateau enough to give an equitable update.
2 months ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Schlerosis
3 days after that diagnosis, I was fired from my job.
I've been searching almost constantly for work, but little so far. I have already filed a lawsuit for my employer violating the Americans With Disabilities Act and the case is ongoing, my lawyer was confident last I'd checked.
I've had 2 MRI's one of my brain and another of my neck and my spine. There's some evidence of demyelination at the base of my neck, and she has formally diagnosed it as Progressive MS, which means if I want peace from flare ups, I can hang it up. I don't get remission.
I absolutely should be asleep, I'm gonna have to set alarms because they're dropping off the steroids tomorrow after 8 some time, so I'll need to be up early to sign for them. At least this one comes in an applicator rather than a regular needle so it should hopefully be less painful.
But upon reading my file, I discovered that she was able to change a diagnosis I've spent almost ten years trying to fix!
I don't have to worry about a bipolar diagnosis that's brought me nothing but the wrong medication and nightmares.
I'm sure the difference between them is negligible at best, but bipolar is a chemical balance, it's happenstance.
She changed it to BPD, which I do agree with. I display those symptoms, but I wasn't made that way. I was traumatized. Horrifically, and that's the difference, and having a doctor see that and call it out for being there was-- somethin' /pos
Chat I also have a boyfriend now?? And he knows about my DID??? AND WE'VE SAID I LOVE YOU??
Maze is having a blast most of the time making me blush. I never should've let them be able to talk to each other, they've unified against me now
I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it though..
So the first day of the shadow phase is a net 0???
Fuck it I'll take it.
That's mostly it for now, Maze and I spent the night chilling and repairing spoons while fortifying my soul for tomorrow, probably about to head to bed.
Lmk if my little band of watchers wants me to rb some ask memes, or anything else you wanna see from me. I've got a writing sideblog for the MC of my next book @all-eyes-on-the-sky
Quick! Whats your favorite obscure mythical creature
Oh god that's a hard one, I'm a massive mythology nerd, but my absolute all time favorite is the Caith Sì!! I love that they're one of the few creatures know to cross between the fae world and human world unburdened!
... But I'm back screaming into the void so fuck where do we start.
So I think I included the fact that I have MS in my last update.. did Jason even make it on here?
Hold on chat did I even TELL you that Maze and I were getting back into polyamory??!!
Fuck this is gonna be such a long update...
Okay, so I'll start from the beginning.
Hostship has been as many challenges as I expected.
I bit Maze.
Not in the literal sense, but in the "I'm not a violent dog I don't know why I bite." kinda way.
I lied to them. Well, technically Nixen lied to them before we fused. None of that withstanding I believe in system accountability, and I am not above that at all.
Which means I lied to Maze. What's worse than that I lied on a promise to Maze! I've NEVER done that.
That was a minute ago now, during the retrograde. We've made amends and we're figuring our stuff out.
Completely unrelated, I got onto Rolechat looking for some roleplay to keep my mind busy and I ended up finding a pretty decent roleplayer who then turned around and started hitting on me the second he found out I was afab, crossed all of my boundaries, and outright disrespected me.
Did I block him??
Fucking no
Why?
Because I'm a broken person and it made me feel wanted.
Instead I realized if I was feeling those feelings for someone other than Maze then obviously I couldn't hide the fact that I was polyamorous anymore, so I went back on dating apps, just looking for one person that felt right for now.
Jason was sweet, but Jason is also the name of the college student that coerced me into a "BDSM" relationship with him when I was 12, I feel like that explains it all.
Like I tried chat, and he really was so sweet, he deserves all the world but I'm not that..
Annnnd then the day I broke up with Jason formally, for which I'm so proud because I owned the fact that it was my choice and what I wanted, explained that it was not his fault and blocked him.
About 3 hours later Jack, a guy who I've been talking to for a couple weeks officially asked me to be his boyfriend!!
I don't have it in me to mourn any lost aura points for that.
No news on the lawsuit or a job, but I'm still looking, either disability or the lawsuit, or indeed will come back eventually. I'm alright.
Got a call yesterday about a route to getting DMTs for no cost, but the kind it applies to causes weight gain which is a biiiig fear for me, because I already have an eating disorder and am already fat.
But I'll try it for now and hopefully be able to move to a medication that doesn't cause weight gain or causes weight loss ideally.
And I've told my mom about Jack, and she was.. surprisingly supportive. We all talked about the importance of me being on birth control before I meet up with Jack, but they agree with me there, because neither of us is wanting to be parents rn.
They're talking about coming down to see me when they can, even talked about moving here to which I said in no uncertain terms would not happen, for their safety.
I just figured out how to wanna be a person, the world can stop tryna kill me until I figure it out.
Idk when new posts will come, I'll try to start keeping a que, but we'll see I'll do my best.
If anyone's listening to my whispers in the dark, This is Rigel Aven Wright of the Interstellar system sighing off for now.
