I'd like to ask for your advice because I really respect your attitude and it seems like you are in a really open relationship. I really struggle with jealousy, its something I'm trying to control but I feel it intensely when my partner talks about past girlfriends or finding others attractive. I feel that it is becoming toxic and is affecting my self esteem, I feel very angry/bitter in that particular moment. Is this something you've ever had to overcome? I'm interested to hear your thoughts x
the first thing to do is to communicate this to your partner.
you say something really interesting here: you feel it intensely when your partner talks about past girlfriends or finding others attractive. there is a BIG difference between what you mention and, say, “i feel it intensely when my partner spends time with other women” or “i feel it intensely when my partner talks about their friends.”
i think a part of that isn’t even jealousy--it’s this admittance that your partner existed as a being before you and may have loved and touched people before you. that’s a hard thing to come to terms with. you feel like you are in competition with the people that they loved or theoretically love/are attracted to.
it would be very different if you were trying to control your partner or dominate their time, but that does not seem to be what you are saying.
i don’t think feeling the way you do is unreasonable. i think, though, that it’s OK to want to overcome that.
part of it just comes with time. the more time you are together, the less you’ll feel in competition with those past people or put in danger by those people they find attractive. another part of it comes with building your own self esteem through a variety of practices, which will depend on what parts of you need the most love (are you at war with yourself about your intelligence, career, abilities, appearance, etc? look at these things and take steps to love these parts of yourself as they are. lots of good, specific resources for how to do this online)
but i think it might be important to communicate to your partner what you’re going through and request that these topics of conversation be off the table for the time being. you can’t make progress when you’re constantly put into what you call an angry and bitter place.
you ask if this is something i’ve had to overcome. on some levels, yes. in my early relationships, i was very jealous of past girlfriends. in my relationship with jonathan, i am not sure i would call it jealousy. hearing about past girlfriends made me ache in a very specific way. it was more of an uncertainty than a jealousy. would i ever be able to fulfill the same role for him? would i ever mean as much? could i believe him when he said that i meant more? and as i said--it came with time.
for whatever reason, hearing him say that other people are attractive has never bothered me. maybe it’s because i am pansexual and generally can agree or disagree based on my own preferences? maybe it’s because we really are in an open relationship and therefore hearing it basically makes me assess the person he finds attractive to see if we actually could try and date them?
i hope that helps!
