#avpd anon

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - May 24

emotions anon, crumbling anon (new), AVPD anon, grounded anon, engagement anon (new)

emotions anon

Hey, Cas, it's emotions anon again.

So, a little over a month ago, someone I barely know (I only know her from my history class) came and sat down next to me at lunch because I waved at her to be nice (because I'm nice to other people when I know them unless they give me reason not to [ex: that one person who I learned was a Trump supporter that I told you about]). But I didn't want her to sit near me, I just wanted to be friendly. And I was sitting with some friends of mine, but neither of them were there.

When my friends got back (let's call them 'T' and 'A'), they both seemed really uncomfortable with her (I was too, tbh), so they both got up and probably went to the library.

Later, T texted me asking if I was friends with the girl, I told him that she's just in my history class, and then he said we needed to talk later.

A few hours after he told me that, he texted me saying that he needed space for multiple reasons. (I was really touchy when I was overwhelmed the last time we saw each other, and he's really touch adverse when he's overwhelmed and we both were doing a lot of things that day because we went out with my mom and then he went shopping with my mom, brother, and I).

Also, earlier in the year, that girl was sitting in our usual lunch spot and making out with her boyfriend (which I didn't know it was her because I was absent the day it happened)

So he said he needed space for a little while, but he hasn't texted me again, and I haven't tried to talk to him or A since then.

It's been over a month, and I was doing good for a while, but then my mom and I went to my Nana's for Mother's Day weekend, and I finally told her that me and T hadn't been talking and I told her the reason and I haven't been doing that good since.

These past two nights, I've dreamt about talking to T again, but I don't think I'll be able to because every time I see him and A in the halls or at lunch, I feel like crying.

Today, I was eating lunch with some friends who I don't usually eat lunch with, but they wanted to sit near T and A, so I had to tell a friend (we'll call him K) that I couldn't sit over there because I already felt like I was gonna cry just looking over there.

I just wanna talk to my friend again, but tomorrow's the last day of the school year, and I don't know if he'll want to talk, y'know?

I miss them, but I'm gonna wait for T or A to text me before talking to wither of them again.

Another one of my friends (J) graduated the other day, and a different friend of my mine (M) moved because their mom got a new job.

I've been missing a lot of people recently, and I have to deal with being in the same class as the Trump supporter for an hour and a half tomorrow because of the stupid schedule.

(You don't have to respond to this, I just wanted to vent, ig)

Hi!

Okay so it's completely okay and valid for someone to ask for space BUT at the same time...it feels like T and A just kind of dumped you without much communication. I think at this point, you have a right to be like "Hey, I know you asked for space, but this feels a little unfair. It's been a month. Are you just not wanting to be friends anymore, or can we try to communicate and fix this? Because this weird limbo of not being friends but sort of being friends is really uncomfortable." It's like a couple being 'on a break' but not completely broken up, and that's not fair to anyone if it lasts too long.

And I don't think you have anything to lose by saying that bc they're already not treating you nicely. Like yeah, you need to apologize for being too touchy, especially if T set boundaries in the past, but the girl sitting with you all wasn't your fault. If T wants to end the friendship, that needs to be clear.

Also ALSO, T and A don't own space in the cafeteria. If you and friends want to move near them, you can. If T and A then want to move away, that's their right.

I can see where you're conflicted, but I do think you have the right to stand up for yourself a bit <3

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crumbling anon

hi um Im having issues with crushes I'm in highschool so like probably just average stuff but I'm queer and I just never thought love was in the cards for be because of that but for the for the past few months I've been head over heals for this girl like I've had so little crushes and she is one of my closet friends she is kind talented and incredible and deserves the world and I thought we had something I swear we were flirting but I just found out she likes someone else and it feels like the world is crumbling down around me I know it's like stupid stuff that happens to every teen but I swear we would be a perfect couple and I really want to date her any tips on how to tell her or how to get her to like me or literally anything I am aware that it's dumb but it's the first crush I haven't repressed and I just she's more important than anything else to me she is genuinely my favorite person literally any advice is welcome I just feel like I'm navigating it all alone cuz typically I would ask her about having a crush but I can't RN obviously

Hi!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've def been there and it SUCKS <3

I don't think there's any way to like...convince someone to like you though. If she doesn't have feelings, there's not much you can do to change that </3 Because you don't want to change yourself for someone else, you know? Yeah, you could do nice things or something, but you want someone to like you for YOU, and if she doesn't, then she's not the right person for you.

I wonder, though. How do you know she likes someone? Like are you sure she has a crush on someone else?

Sending love!

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AVPD anon

hi cas! this is AVPD anon

I'm still working on the friend stuff but I need some advice on something else right now: I don't know how to handle my mom. I really can't seem to make her happy. She gives me long, loud lectures every time I do something wrong (which is a lot). I've tried spending a few days being as perfect as possible for her and trying my best to guess everything she'll need, but it was just exhausting, and as soon as i waited a few minutes (i was getting dressed) to walk the dog, she just acted like usual and shouted at me. And I know some people call stern talking-tos shouting, but she actually yells at me. . It's loud and kind of scary sometimes. I'm also generally a kind of quiet person, especially around her because I don't want to say the wrong thing, but that usually end in mumbling. She doesn't like mumbling, to say the least.

Over the years, it feels like she's slowly getting less and less patient with me. I don't have a great memory and forget things a lot, which annoys her a lot. I cry sometimes when she yells at me, and she just starts yelling louder and occasionally explains that I'll "die sooner" if I keep it up. I just don't know how to handle it. Last night I had a panic attack because she yelled at me. I was reading because my book is due to the library soon, and I lost track of time. it was about 10:30 when she came into my room and told me to turn my light off because I "know better" and because it was late. I told her that I was almost done with the chapter, and she just left, so i thought that was an ok. But she just came back a few seconds later and said that again, but when i tried to explain that i was really close to being done, she snapped and shouted really loudly. It might not have actually been that loud, but it was quiet in the house, and it was really sudden. It kind of just surprised and scared me, and I had a mini panic attack (silently, im not allowed to make noise that late) in bed. It just felt like kind of an overreaction since it wasn't even that late, but I dont know. Maybe I already upset her earlier without realizing it. Do you have any advice?

Hi <3

Honestly things with parents are SO hard because a lot of parents are less likely to listen to their kids' feelings, especially when it comes to the way they parent. I think the best way to go is to try to talk to her when she's in a GOOD mood. Like wait until thigs are calm and then try to talk to her about the things that are bothering you. Maybe even write down your feelings, that way you can make sure you're speaking in a calm, respectful way, you know? Know that it might not work, but that's your best bet.

And remember that your feelings are valid no matter what anyone says <3

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grounded anon

Hello again :D

I've come with new info.

So basically, I had one heck of a day yesterday. I was in some persons class and they had really tall chairs. I was lying over and fell. Guess who was the FIRST person to help me up? The crush. She was also asking if I was okay and yeah. Anyway, skip to power hour. We're holding hands and I'm resting my head on her shoulder (I was sleepy) and we were simply yapping. We ended up talking (briefly) about the crush I 'used' to have on her, ad she said 'You Wana know a secret? I was this 🤏 close to having a crush on you'. Of course I acted normal and said something along the lines of 'aw shucks, I missed my chance.'

LIKE WTF DO YOU MEA YOU WERE THAT CLOSE?!?! CAN WE GET THERE AGAIN?? MAYBE A SMOOCH THROW IN THERE TOO?!!

*AHEM*, anyway.

Anyway, I asked my mom if we can (meaning me and the crush) hang out on Sunday to celebrate xchool finally ending 🎉 ad she just let out this big SIGH. She said and I quote 'don't be saying any gay shit, okay? Hands to yourself' like girl okay it's not like I ca get pregnant by her damn 🙄

Also I don't think she likes me back. There's this one guy who doesn't speak much English (like barely) and I think she might have a crush kn him. Idk tho.

Anyway, gay panic of the day: she was resting her forehead on my arm and I SWESR TO GOD SHE GUCING KISSED MY ARM. So, like any normal human I asked 'did you just lick my arm?' And she said 'I'm trying too'. Kiss it. I fucing dare you.

Anyway, I'm just a gay disaster. Thanks for giving me a lil bit of hope

-grounded anon

Omg the way I would have been freaking out if someone I liked said they were 'so close' to liking me. Like. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

But tbh it sounds like she's flirting. Like she seems VERY touchy, right?

And your mom....I am just...so infuriated. No 'gay shit'? Like what, if you hold hands, you'll burst into flames? That's so frustrating. As as an adult, I just wanna shake her and be like "You know you're not doing anything, right?" smfh

Sending love <3

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engagement anon

hi, do you have any advice about boosting fic engagement? i’m starting to post my first one and it has basically no views and i want to get it out there more.

should i post it on tumblr or tiktok? my accounts aren’t really set up for that so i’d want to make new ones, but i don’t want them to look like spam. i’m also scared my fic is gonna look like spam now, because i saw on a reddit thread that updating too quickly makes people lose interest. i’ve read like 300k in nine hours before so is this actually true?? 💀 currently i’m posting updates every two days but chapter counts are around 15k so maybe that’s too fast.

any help you could give would be much appreciated!! i’ve spent a lot of time working on this and i’d honestly be kind of bummed out if no one saw it. ik writing is primarily for the writer, not the audience, and i am writing it for me, but it would also be nice to have some engagement.

thank youuuu

Hi! I haven't done like....huge comparisons into what works the best or anything, and I really truly think a lot of it has to do with luck. But a couple patterns I've noticed:

If you tag well, more people tend to read. Because a lot of people sort by tags. So like...put in any popular tags that correspond to your fic, and more people will read.

I think there are pros and cons to updating quickly. If you update quickly, people keep seeing it pop up on page 1 of a search, which is good. But if you wait a while, it gives people who don't read every day a chance to see it. But if you wait, people can lose interest, too. Also a lot of people don't like reading unfinished fics. But at the same time, once you finish, it can disappear into the older pages and be less likely to be read....yeah, pros and cons. I tend to update once a week.

Posting on tumblr and tiktok...tiktok is a beast I don't understand. I had a fandom tiktok for a bit but it was just too much for me. Posting on tumblr...it's the same thing. tagging makes a difference.

But I think, like I said, it can be about luck. If a lot of people vibe with your idea, a lot of people will read. If the fandom is particularly active while you're writing, a lot of people will read. If someone who has a following on tiktok posts about your fic, people will read.

But also know that like...having like 10 dedicated readers can be just as amazing as 1000 demanding ones. It's okay to not have the biggest, most popular fic in the fandom. Someone will like your fic just as it is, and that's okay <3

If your fic is a pairing I like, DM me a link! I'll try it!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - May 18

tmi anon (new), AVPD anon, trans imposter syndrome anon (new), grounded anon, mirrorball anon

tmi anon

don't answer if this is tmi but

i haven't gotten my periods since like mid feb and im FREAKING OUT im a minor so im not pregnant or anything so its probably just stress but im so scared..

my mom isnt taking me to the gyno for a few more weeks and i just akjhfdjks im so scared theres something wrong with me

Hi! <3

There's a lot of reasons why this could happen and I am DEFINITELY not a doctor, but most people don't have completely regular cycles. The first time I got my period was in september of 7th grade, and then i didn't get it again until june. I found out the reason was because I have PCOS, which is SUPER common, and one of the many reasons your cycle might be irregular. It's also not deadly or anything like that. You have no reason to be nervous, everyone's cycle is different. I would just say that in my experience, a lot of times, gynos jump to putting people with irregular cycles on birth control without figuring out the reason behind it or like...thinking about the consequences. If the gyno suggest BC, I'd talk about the pros and cons of this, the side effects, and if you want to be on BC longterm. Some people LOVE BC because it makes their cycle regular and it has side effects that they like (it commonly helps with acne and lessens body hair). I was talked into BC at 13 and didn't realize that a lot of the things I experienced as a teen might have been made worse by my BC. I wish I had asked more questions before agreeing to it, and being on it continuously for over ten years. I'm not saying it's a bad thing AT ALL, I'm just saying make sure to ask questions and do what's right for you!

Feel free to ask me any questions you want about my experience, just remember I'm one person and not a professional!

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AVPD anon

Hi <3

Honestly, it sounds like you don't have a very good support system. Your friends don't sound like bad PEOPLE but they don't seem to be acting like good friends to you right now. You've got a lot going on, and you deserve the support that you're giving others. You deserve love, you know?

Do you think it might be a good idea to try to branch out and find some other friends? You don't have to leave these ones, but maybe looking for some people who are more supportive could help you cope with these really stressful things.

Sending love <3

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trans imposter syndrome anon

hey cas

do you ever feel

like not “trans enough”

like i’ll look at my trans friends and trans people on the internet and i’ll just be like

my identity

isn’t as

valid?

like ik it is

everyone’s identities are valid yesyes but like…

trans imposter syndrome

is that just me?

like i can have all the dysphoria and euphoria and issues and yet still be like maybe im not trans enough for this

like ive never felt like a cis person

or like

what a cis person feels

and i’ve never felt what any other trans person feels

and what if like i’m not actually trans and i’m just cis and i just don’t know what it’s like to be an actual trans person

lmao does that make any sense

if not i’m sorry!

Hi!

Um YES. Every day. All the time. I think a lot of people feel like this about their gender tbh. It sucks because there's a lot of stereotypes when it comes to trans-ness and you don't have to fit into those stereotypes to be trans!

I promise you, there's no such thing as being 'trans enough.' and if there was....you're 'trans enough' for me <3

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(un)grounded anon

Hello again!

So I have less family drama, but a hell of a lot if school drama (end of the year, am I right?)

Anyway, so I have 2 (ex) friends that were SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT ME and talking shit about me.

Context: so back in like febuary this HUGE rumor got out that me and my bsf were dating. Now, I live in rural Texas so I was being constantly harassed. I'm telling g you, at least 5 people woukd walk hl to me and be like 'are you and (insert bsf name here) dating?

And for a while, I had no idea who spread the rumor. I had suspicions, but I never acted on them. So, come this week. In talking to my friend and don't ask me how we got here, but she was telling me that friend one and friend 2 had been talking major shit about me (especially friend 2) and had been he ones spreading rumors about me. She also said friend one hadbee making fun of my DISABLED big brother. I did confront him about this, and instead of APLOGIZING he deflected onto friend 2 and refused to take accountability for anything.

I haven't gotten to speak to friend 2 yet, and im not sure what to say. I considered her one of my bsf but instead she spread rumors about me and talked shit. She apparently said she actually didn't like me as much as se like my REAL bsf. And the worst part? She was the main reason I got kicked out from my old friend group and lost all my friends

Yeah, sry for the yapathon. Family isn't so great either. My mom is mad at me for having reasonable reasons to support abortion and keeps sending me Facebook vids of MEN talking about how bad abortion is.

Thanks for your advice,

-(un) grounded anon

(P.s. you don't have to remove the word thingies. Half the time i don't remember what I wrote lol.)

Hi <3

Honestly, I would not wish school drama on anyone. It's awful, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that bullshit. It's one of the great things about growing up...you don't have to deal with that shit nearly as much. Those people sound like shit.

Also I'm sorry your mom listens to men...like at all (joking) (maybe)

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mirrorball anon

Hi Cas! ^_^ Yes mirrorball anon is fine I just for some reason thought you already had one lmao

Anyway

I try not to let the prior mentioned shitty people bother me but my brain keeps telling me it’s all my fault, to the point I’m convinced I’m crazy and caused all the issues myself

My brain is also constantly trying to convince me no one will actually stay, because no one has before

I just want to feel like a person again yk? Without constant worry of being a fuck up and ruining something else I care about

And btw you give really good advice

-🪩

Hi!

Not listening to your brain is one of the hardest things to do, tbh. Because like....it's always there. Have you tried looking at yourself in the mirror and saying positive things that are the opposite of what your brain says?

It sounds stupid, and it IS a bit cringe, but it can be helpful. It's also strangely emotional and like...cathartic.

Also remember it's okay to ask for reassurance from time to time. People who care will give you the reassurance that you ARE loved and you DIDN'T fuck up.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - May 10

AVPD anon (new), suffocated anon, panromantic anon, outlet anon, right anon

AVPD anon

Hi Cas, I need a little advice.

So I have this friend who's been through some... stuff. She's had a lot of friends say messed up things to her, and sometimes just straight-up leave. She talks a lot about voices in her head, which I just can't really seem to understand. She also talks about how she "knows" I'm going to leave her, which I definitely don't plan on doing, but when I tell her that, she says I'm lying. In the past, I've had a lot of friends try to gaslight me about my own emotions, so I really hate being told I'm lying. But when I tell her that, she just doubles down.

I'm really trying my best, but in general, it's really hard for me to stay in friendships. It just feels way more natural to leave as soon I do something wrong, or something within the friendship goes wrong, which I know is completely a shitty thing to do. I'm still pretty young (think mid-teens), but after a few rabbit holes, I've noticed that I relate to a ton of symptoms of AVPD (I know probably don't have it, I've just noticed I relate to it in a lot of ways). I don't want to leave, but it just feels so actively difficult to not shut down and leave. But I've been in this friendship and others for a few years now, so I think I'm managing to be stubborn enough to stay.

Do you have any advice on what to say or do?

Hi!

Do you feel like you could be honest with your friend? Like tell her that what she's saying affects you, and that you're also struggling? Like...idk, I know you're probably not saying anything to make her feel better, but your feelings and struggles are also important. I think communicating in a friendship is important, and it's really important for a friendship to last.

Also, are you able to talk to a therapist or counselor about the possible AVPD? It's not something I'm familiar with, but I feel like finding strategies to cope, whether you have it or not, is super important. You clearly care a lot about your friendships a lot and you're very self-aware, which is amazing, so talking about it might be helpful, you know?

Sending love! <3

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suffocated anon

Hey cas! This is suffocated anon,

I talked a while back about experiencing body dysphoria and how I wanted to cut my hair so badly but my mum never allowed me to do so.

well she still hasn't said yes for a haircut but that's not what I wanted to ask. I wanted to ask how to figure out if the label "Non Binary" fits me. I tried a variety of online quizzes but they aren't exactly helpful. I get confused a lot because of the pronouns issue. I currently use my birth assigned pronouns she/her, but the thing is in my country and our language we don't have much use of pronouns. we barely use it. So I don't even know if I'm comfortable with my current pronouns. I so badly want to try a binder but i have no idea how i can sneak it into my house without my mum finding out. I cannot imagine trying to explain what's going on when I myself don't understand it that well.

I also wanted to tell you that even if you don't have the answers, it's just nice to simply know that someone out there is understands the struggles I'm going through. Makes me feel like I'm not alone.

I just wanted to rant, so hope you don't mind.

hope you're doing well<3

Hi!

I mean, I think the best way to figure it out, at least in my experience, is to see what other nonbinary people say about their experiences and see if you can relate to any of it. No two nonbinary people are the same, of course, but nonbinary people can have some similar experiences. I can't give you the answers for sure, but I can tell you that the goal isn't to find a label that makes sense to other people. The goal is to figure out what works for YOU- whether that means finding a label or not. What feels right to you is most important.

And please know that you abslutely aren't alone. A lot of people struggle with their gender, and that's okay! Your feelings are real and valid, and I'm here to listen <3

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panromantic anon

Pan romantic anon,

SHE SAID I AM CUTE AND WHEN I SAID BABY AND HUGGED HER SHE WAS LIKE AWW AND WE STAYED CUDDLED AND I AM HAPPY

anyway how are you <3?

Awww that's so exciting! Congratulations! I'm pretty good! I hope things are still going well!

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right anon

Hi!! It’s right anon ,, it’s been a WHILE but I just wanted to update ,, I’ve started GED prep classes and I’m hoping to finish by the end of this year!! All the teachers are super nice and supportive so I’m very hopeful that everything will go well!! And I’m very happy about these classes cause I was really upset that I wouldn’t get to have a graduation but the collage that does these ones does a ceremony for the people who complete it at the end of every year!! Anyways I hope you’re doing well!!

OMG that's so wonderful! I'm so excited for you!! Please keep me updated if you think of it, I want to hear how you're doing in the classes and on your test!

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Outlet anon

Hi! <3

omg the river analogy makes SO much sense, and I feel like that so much in like...active discord chats and stuff. I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

I honestly don't have any recommendations because the online group I used to use was years ago and disbanded a long time ago...I can do some research if you want, though?

I'm so glad you have someone for emergencies. I'm sorry you don't feel like you can ask them for advice, but I'm glad you at least can call them in a scary situation.

As for your other ask: yes, the gum is such a good idea! I'm so proud of you for thinking of it! As someone who has used gum in the past for coping though....just don't chew a whole pack of sugar-free gum in like ten minutes. The sugar-free stuff, xylitol, can make you shit uncontrollably. In the middle of your 4-hour shift at a job where nobody is there to take over for you when you need to go to the bathroom.

Not that I would know.

For a name: Let's go with Adam.

sending you love <3

[gay-nidoking]

That's ok I googled it and it makes sense. I think I might have that too. :? Idk I follow your blog and I feel like we have similar personality types. Can I ask for advice? Have you ever cut toxic people out of your life? I have this cousin I live with and I love her like a sister but honestly she's just not good to me. I feel like maybe I should phase her out but I don't feel like I have anyone else.Your posts sound like you have experience with that? How did it turn out?

Sorry I didn’t get to this till just now. I just got off of work :x

I have been…very very bad at cutting toxic people out of my life, but to be honest, I would advocate for doing it as well as you can. If she’s bad for you, I think you should phase her out. Maybe not cut her off completely, but definitely minimize her contact and influence on you.

Honestly, I’m still in the process of phasing out the toxic people in my life. They’re almost all family, so it’s really hard, as I’m sure you get, and they try to make me feel guilty and a lot of times they succeed. I’ve managed to minimize my contact with the biggest problem person in my life, and most of the time, I do feel a whole lot better for it. I can’t say it’ll be 100% better all the time, but for the most part, you will feel a bit better.

As for not having anyone else…I’m not sure I can help you with that. I totally get not having anyone else…and I don’t know if I can say for sure that being alone is better than being treated like shit.As isolated as I myself am, I’m not sure I’m the best person to ask. All I can really say with that is that if you ever need anything, I’m more than willing to listen and help however I can.