#ay personal vent

[ay-system]

Does anyone else get home and just feel an overwhelmed becuade you are just hit with

It's time to eat

You need to go to the bathroom

You have to finish your homework

You need to make sure you have clothes for tommorrow

And each one has their own unique steps and fhwjfoenfkendje cuz you have to cook or get undressed or open your computer or actually go to the bathroom or check the laundry

I hate adhd why can't I be normal

- Ay

[ay-system]

Tw; Suicide mention, sh mention

I (or we idk) suffer from hyper empathy. Sometimes I can just look at people and feel what they are feeling. Sometimes I can read what they say and feel what they are going through.

"My friend told me they were suicidal and took a bunch of pills, I told them to the hospital. I feel bad becuase they don't want to live. And I feel selfish that I wanted them to stay alive"

"It's like how everyone uses me until they can't anymore"

"Honestly why do I even try?"

"Did they ever even consider me?"

"But I'm reduced to just a body in someone else bed"

Things I heard today. Things that I felt. Despair. Sadness. Anger. Hopelessness. Dark mirth.

I can regulate my emotions now. Well not anymore.

I trained myself to forget. I trained myself to use the coping skills I learned in the ward and in therapy.

But people keep venting to me. People vent in spaces I can see. And its breaking my walls down again. Its hurting again.

I'm scared that I'm going to lose control and make more. How can I look my best friend in the eyes if she sees the scars I wouldve made?

.................................................................................................................

Someone started this post. Found this tab again. I'm going to post it with a tw

-bou

[ay-system]

I constantly wake up and look at my life and just be like what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I acting like this? Why do people think I'm okay?

I'm mentally ill. I go through periods where I think I dont need sleep or I don't need to eat, or I don't need any medication. I can't remeber my childhood. My mom can talk about events happening and things she remeber, feelings. I can't. I just know certain things happened. I just don't remeber it.

I constantly think that everything I touch is wrong and that I'm a bad person to even be alive.

I don't act like it though. I work hard. I smile. I love talking. I love food. I adore fun things and cute things. I love my life. I love being alive.

But my brain doesn't. Its built with faulty wires.

This guy in my class constantly talks about his time in the ward, which is kinda triggering to me but I just let it pass. I just nod and say yeah that sucks.

Then there was one day we were sitting together and I had my sleeves rolled up. I saw the exact moment he saw my scars. I saw the exact moment he realized what they were.

He talked about how his experiences were so profound and uncommon. But once he saw those scars he understood. How much I was holding back and how little he knows about me.

Many people don't realize.... I am heavily medicated. Mood stablizers, antipyscotics, anti anxiety, antidepressants, sleeping drugs. I don't show outward syntoms becuase of those.

And I hate it when people assume I'm just not

so yeah

-Danny

[ay-system]

Tw mental of parental death, mention of physical abuse

When I was about 10 years old I was put into therapy right after my dad died

I don't remeber much from therapy but one thing stuck out to me

We were in the playroom and I was playing with dolls. I had a silly family going of the course of a few weeks. And I liked making my therapist laugh.

One day I made the baby pretend beat up another doll and my therapist asks "Why does the baby keep hurting people?"

And instantly I was like oh yeah that's bad and didn't do it again. I don't know why but thinking about it now makes me upset.

I think it was because I was ashamed that it wasn't right and that I thought that way.

I've never dealt with physical abuse or rmeber being physically abused so I'm not sure why I did that.

I rmeebr being given the task of writing down my good qualities and I wrote down like "being small" things that were more physical and I remeber her saying "I didn't mean that, that's wrong"

I wasn't good at therapy at all when I was 10.

And I'm scared it's going to happen again even though my last therapist (from last year) told me I was doing great.

- Danny/Meeples