Collective System Blog!

Body is 18|| he/him for most|| Just found out bout being a system 2/2/25

[ay-system]

Welcome to the Ay-System Blog!!

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Collectively:

Name: Ay

Pronouns: he/him

Age: 18 (bodily)

Sys Tag: 🫎

Likes and follows come from: @smspikyhampster

Flavor of DD: Suspected osdd

Straw page!

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Need to know blog rules:

THIS BLOG IS ENDO-NUETRAL (Some of our alters are pro or anti endos so we are keeping our system blog nuetral)

We are a traumagenic system

We ask that follows and asks come from 18+ alters/people

We're okay with the terms: plural, system, alters, headmates

We do not like the terms: Parts, fragments, multiples, collective

We are okay with criticism but only if it's politely and maturely offered.

WE DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN SYSCOURSE ON THIS BLOG

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Our Alter List for now:

(We are still developing sign offs. Purple is links to the alter's intro)

Ay: host @hamptersadness

Bou: Protector and co-host @bouwithabonus

Cora: CG -🌸

Meeples (Little Ay): little, also suspected trauma holder 6-12 yrs old @meeeeples

Oatmeal: little

Delayla: little

Ivy: Gatekeeper- 🖕🏼💜

Ollie: 18, our Alter that is most susceptible to OCD

Danny: trauma holder and child alter, 15-18 yrs old

Francis: Same as Danny

Natasha: Creativity help

Dominic: persecutor?

Janice: adult alter 18

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Blog Tags

#ay sys vent: System vents

#ay personal vent: Personal alter vents

#pretty pics by meep: Meeples' picrews

#wow ay discovery: Anything we have found out about our system

*this blog is still being updated*

[ay-system]

Just to put this out there

We support polyminds

They aren't taking up sys spaces or using medical terms.

[ay-system]

It's another round of

✨ How the fuck did Meeples know who's in the system before us ✨

I just recently found out that we have another little. His name is Oatmeal. He's really cute, I can hear him talking sometimes. I think he's younger than Meeples.

We also have Delayla and she seems to stick with Dom a lot. I think she's also around Meeples age. I haven't met her much becuase I'm usually near front and she doesn't come to front much. But I would love to meet her.

I'm trying to get Meeples to do picrews of them so I know what they look like.

[cruzfucker]

i hate when the teacher’s like “write about a bad time in your life” like i ain’t tryna get a social worker up my ass, thanks tho fam

[skary-child]

This ain’t no joke I had to write a essay about what your scared of so I did it (I was scared of growing up and where my life was going) it was great got a 100 but then I got sent to councilors office and was sent to therapy cause they thought I was suicidal and on the verge of breaking…Apparently they ment like spiders or some shit…

[xzienne]

Also like, not everyone finds that at all useful or cathartic.

“Write about some difficulty you’ve experienced personally.” “Aight fam let me just break down into tears and skip the rest of my classes.”

[chronicreality]

Yes! I had a psych professor ask us to discuss outloud the hardest thing that ever happened to us literally two days ago and I said “you realize the position you’re putting us in? I feel obligated to lie to not only save my peers the awkwardness but also because I will find no relief in answering honestly but rather anxiety. The hardest thing in my life is having people repeatedly tell me I should find some sort of catharsis in reliving my trauma so someone else can feel pity for me!”

The whole class backed me up because they didn’t want to either! Those kind of exercises are only helpful for people who don’t have any real past/current issues– which is no one btw.

[inqorporeal]

On par with this are those fucking self-assessments where they want to to be optimistic and positive about the future. You’re sitting there drowning in college stress and anxiety so bad you can’t look another human in the eye, fighting depression so that you can eventually achieve a piece of paper that might get you a better job if the economy doesn’t tank itself (guess what, it did), and the most optimistic thing you can think of is that the class ends in 20 minutes.

[lierdumoa]

#why do they do this though ~ @inqorporeal​

OH! I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS!

There’s a WIRED article that explains the history behind this practice. 

Basically, this guy named Jeffrey Mitchell had a traumatic experience, then after months of PTSD, he told a confidant about the event that traumatized him. Retelling the event to a confidant was so cathartic for Mitchell that his PTSD went away after. He did a bunch of research to see if his personal experience of catharsis and relief could be replicated in other people suffering from PTSD. Years later he published a paper proposing a formalized psychiatric treatment revolving around this idea that expressing a traumatic experience helps relieve it. The paper was so influential that the whole psychiatric community adopted “critical incident stress debriefing” (CISD) as a standard treatment for PTSD.

Unfortunately … it’s bullshit.

Not only does the CISD treatment program Mitchell came up with not help the majority of patients who try it, but it actually makes PTSD worse in the majority of patients who try it.

The WIRED article explains why:

CISD misapprehends how memory works…. Once a memory is formed, we assume that it will stay the same. This, in fact, is why we trust our recollections. They feel like indelible portraits of the past.

None of this is true. In the past decade, scientists have come to realize that our memories are not inert packets of data and they don’t remain constant. 

…the very act of remembering changes the memory itself. New research is showing that every time we recall an event, the structure of that memory in the brain is altered in light of the present moment, warped by our current feelings and knowledge. 

Basically, Mitchell waited until he had some emotional distance before trying to recall the memory, and he had full control of the situation. It was fully his decision. Nobody was pressuring him to talk about it. So he felt safe. Thinking about the memory from a place of safety allowed his brain to re-contextualize the memory as harmless.

Conversely, pressuring a patient to recall a traumatic memory, particularly when it’s still fresh in their minds, makes the patient feel very unsafe. Recalling a bad memory in this unsafe context only serves to re-traumatize the patient. 

[link to the whole article]

[glorious-spoon]

basically, there’s a big damn difference between choosing to confide in someone you trust and being pressured to make a public spectacle of your trauma

[satirizing]

THIS JUST IN: Forced Public Recalling of Trauma Not As Helpful As Voluntarily Processing Trauma In A Safe Space

[ay-system]

I think it's even harder to recollect something bad when you're a system. Becuase your brain already decides to store it somewhere where you can't relive it.

If someone asked me what's something bad that happened 2 days ago I'd have to sit here for like 10 minutes trying to remeber and hope that someone will pass up the memory. And often Ivy doesn't let that happen, if it's something terrible.

Also what does that professor expect? For someone to say "I had to take a test even though I got an hour asleep"? Or is he really waiting for the "I relapsed after being sober for 3 months" or the "I tried to off myself"

Personal battles are PERSONAL for a reason. Opening up to complete strangers about things can be a death sentence because EVERYONE now knows what's going on in your life.

"But Ay what if that's moment they finally find help?"

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

If that person straight says "I tried to take my life" they might do it again. They might not care at that point. They might be too far gone.

Just something to think about.

-Ay, Dom, Francis

[princeleonis]

Reminder to fellow systems:

(under the cut)

Introjects can be like their source. They can love it. They can reference it or joke that they're actually the character if they want.

They can also be nothing like it. They can hate it.

Neither of these make you fake.

The headspace isn't physical. However, things can still happen there, as untrue as they are to the real world it's still valid to see things happen- just try not to mix it up too much with reality! And yes, some systems are able to front ban alters. Some people also don't have headspaces at all, or it's minimal, or it's complex.

This does not make you are fake.

Typing quirks can vary. If you have one that someone needs a translation for, try to provide a translation. For littles, they might not be able to translate for themselves very well. Find a way to compromise so both your sys and those with screen readers can communicate without problems. However don't insist you absolutely cannot find a way to accommodate. There's always a way.

Having difficulty translating does not make you fake.

Littles can type however the fuck they want. Who cares. They're littles. They can speak like an adult, they can speak like a toddler. They can be shit at grammar. They can be good at it. Sometimes it's voluntary and other times just how they naturally communicate.

None of this makes you fake.

Just because someone tells you you're fake doesn't mean you're fake. Every system has a different experience. Don't listen to people telling you the way you switch makes you fake. Don't listen to them when they say your trauma isn't enough.

Want to identify as multiple people? Does it help your system? Do it. As long as you actively remember you cannot get separate bodies and you split from one person.

This doesn't make you fake.

It is. You are valid. And if you find out you're wrong about being a system, that's okay. It's just a setback.

But if I see anyone purposely faking it imma defenestrate you.

[ay-system]

I hate being mentally ill.

I hate that people just think I'm okay.

I have mental illnesses. My mental health is doing better but I still have these disorders.

And shitty part is they are CHRONIC which means they don't go away.

Which means I will be taking these pills till I die.

Bipolar. Ocd. Adhd. Torettes. Now cdd?

I'm living with this shit. Doctors keep piling on the diagnosis and trying get me to do therapy while I'm still trying to get my degree.

People don't understand I can't live alone because what if I go through a manic phase? I need to set 20 million alarms and do silly tricks for me to be able to get up and do shit. I have to have posters on my wall reminding me that I am not my thoughts.

I hate that people just think it's weird and pass it off. Or they give me THAT look. I hate it.

I hate being mentally ill.

[the-stranded-planet-deactivated]

sometimes i wonder why people "want" to be system or have a trauma disorder, you really want the sleepless nights? do you really want the horrible flashbacks? do you want to feel like a monster for having basic human reactions? do you want to have everything rush back because you put a song on?

stop thinking systemhood is "just fun little friends in youre head" stop thinking cluster b is "cute" and "quirky" its not, it never will be these disorders ruin my life, i get systems and trauma finding fun in a shit position, but they are not for others to find "fun" or "cool"

stop being fucking weird about us

[ay-system]

The song is so true. I'll put on a song and then boom can't rmeber anything for the rest of the song.

And then my ocd is like ummm bad song bad song bad song

So it's fun all around

Ay

[the-io-collective]

it wasn't your fault btw. you were a kid. idk what you expect you could've done differently

[ay-system]

First thing I saw when I opened tumblr🥲

[ay-system]

Cw talking of relapse, child finding sh

So last night we relapsed and before when this happened I usually black out and don't remember it but this time I do remeber it and I knownit wasn't me I think I was co-con

I'm just worried about meeples becuade I dont remeber him reacting to other times we've relapsed so I don't know how he will.

It hurts so he'll definitely notice it. I just... I'm scared he's going to front at work and freak out. It's so hard taking him out of front even for Bou.

So yeah.... that's happening....

Ay/Ollie

[ay-system]

So I'm in pysch class and we're were talking about children and bes times and she asked us what bedtime routine we had as a child

I said "Book, sang twinkle twinkle little star, then lights off"

And she said "Pjamas and bathtime right?"

Mmmm nope sorry. My life was too unstable that those werent part of the routine.....I don't remeber it. I don't know what happened but I know it was unstable enough to cause me to split.

-Ay

[phoenix-zip]

You're not being punished by the way, you've done nothing wrong. Not everything happens for a reason.

[ay-system]

I read the first sentence and thought "Awww that's a sweet thing to say"

But the second one threw me for a loop. Becuade my most recent ocd obsession is everything happens for a reason and God wanted me this to do this/get this/ see this or something

And logically to beat ocd is to feel and let go. And I have to remind myself a higher power does not dictate my actions, that yes I'm having these thoughts bug they do not mean anything.

[secretsdid]

How I found out I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (before diagnosis)

This is through the lens of the host. There are 3 different times I found out about my DID. We were 15 years old at the time, around this time and in summer, 7 years ago.

1. I was age regressing a lot. I noticed my personality changed drastically when age regressed. The way I viewed people changed too. My mind was that of a child. At one point I decided to name my age regressed state. (We'll call her K). I was on instagram and a question popped up, "why do you age regress?". One of the reasons was "multiple personality disorder/DID". My age regressed state, or "K", told me that that was the reason. I looked into it and the symptoms fit my experience, I just didn't know about it then. "K" then told me about the others in the system.

2. Another alter, we'll call her "P", wrote a story about another alter, "M". I thought I was writing it but I would never remember what I wrote afterwards. The alter we were writing about, "M", told us or told "P", how she wanted the story to go. As it was her "innerworld backstory". M would come out a lot to help write her story as well.

3. I won't go into too much detail as it is very personal, but it happened after a breakup. I couldn't handle the emotions so "P" and "K" took over a lot during that time and I realized in whole that I have multiple identity states.

[ay-system]

OH MY GOD THATS WHAT HAPPENED WITH ME

I was having a lot of problems with my age regressing and amnesia so I reached out to tumblr and reddit and a lot people were like hey check into plurality

I pushed it off till my dissociation was getting really out of hand and now tadaaaa I have a multi personality disorder (I'm unsure of which one right now)

Meeples (the little alter who I thought was my age regressed self) he knows everything going on in the headspace and who everyone is and as the host I don't so it's interesting when he gives me an answer for a question I was wondering about myself.

I'm glad there is others out there that found out through their little alters. I'm glad meeples led us to here.

Ay/Bou/ Cora

[ay-system]

Get to know Natasha!

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Hi! My name is Natasha! This is my first time *actually* fronting!

I'm actually almost always co-con I'd like to think I was formed to help our old host escape reality. We had malandaptive daydreams and I guess I kind of just aided the old host in creating scenarios and what not.

Now I usually do help with creating scenarios but also coming up with ideas since we are older now.

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Quick facts!

Nickname(s): Nat or Nattie

Age: S, same as body

Syscourse stance: I honestly have no clue what's an endo system

Social media: None sadly. I don't front often

Looking for friends; Hell yeah! I wanna know if there's more headmates like me out there!

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Dividers made by @h-aewo , @sseuda and @strangergraphics-archive

[ay-system]

https://aysystem.straw.page

Made a straw page! Check it out if you want! It's got some of our other socials on there!

[ay-system]

Does anyone else get home and just feel an overwhelmed becuade you are just hit with

It's time to eat

You need to go to the bathroom

You have to finish your homework

You need to make sure you have clothes for tommorrow

And each one has their own unique steps and fhwjfoenfkendje cuz you have to cook or get undressed or open your computer or actually go to the bathroom or check the laundry

I hate adhd why can't I be normal

- Ay

[ay-system]

I hate being a system

Cw toe nails and a little tmi

Got out of the shower and was clipping my nails and..... one of our toes does not have a nail. Like it looks like it's been ripped clean off no blood or anything.

So who the FUCK ripped off our toe nail!?!?!?

The skin is all soft and it's gross that there's no nail.

We (or the body???) Have dermatillomania so it's common that we find wounds and stuff on the body

BUT A WHOLE TOENAIL!?!?! WITHOUT PAIN!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?!?!?!

Anyway anyone else have these kinds of experiences?

[ay-system]

So update (cuz some people wanted to know 😭)

It did not come all the way off there's still like a thin layer of nail there??? So that's why it doesn't hurt I think....

Our dermatillomania is crazy so it's not an unusual thing so it didn't worry me a lot

Bou/Ay

[ay-system]

I hate being a system

Cw toe nails and a little tmi

Got out of the shower and was clipping my nails and..... one of our toes does not have a nail. Like it looks like it's been ripped clean off no blood or anything.

So who the FUCK ripped off our toe nail!?!?!?

The skin is all soft and it's gross that there's no nail.

We (or the body???) Have dermatillomania so it's common that we find wounds and stuff on the body

BUT A WHOLE TOENAIL!?!?! WITHOUT PAIN!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?!?!?!

Anyway anyone else have these kinds of experiences?