#azirius

[lynxindisguise]

It's been a little over six months now since you slithered into my inbox and proposed the Ineffables and Wolfstar breaking up and switching partners. How's that going for them? Six months down the line, which couple is having the worst time and why is it Azirius?

ahhh sorry imp I forgot to respond to this!

I'd say there's no way this would be sustainable for six months, but we are talking about four of the most stubborn people alive so...

I think crowley and remus have reached a point of quiet acceptance, in which they both know this is really more of a friendship than anything else, and they spend most of their time getting stoned and waxing poetic about their exes and occasionally having extremely damp noodly sex. they're both very mopey and insufferable to be around, so they're really the only people who can currently stand one another.

azirius are having the WORST time. my god. they are constantly filled with rage, and at this point, they're too disgusted with each other to even hatefuck so all that anger is being channelled into ruining each other's lives and vandalising each other's shit. truly a lovers to enemies arc for these two. occasionally one of them will break down and cry about their ex, and the other one will say something along the lines of, 'it sounds like they're better off without you.' they are also insufferable to be around, both to everyone around them and each other <3

[impishtubist]

Let’s pretend James is alive! How is he reacting to all the ineffible wolfstar divorce drama?!

OH THIS IS SUCH A GALAXY-BRAIN QUESTION

Well, first of all, Sirius and Remus get divorced for the absolute dumbest reason imaginable. Like Sirius bought Remus the wrong kind of tea one too many times and now it's over. At first James is like, haha, okay, you two will be back together in twenty-four hours, I know how this goes. BUT THEN THEY STAY DIVORCED. AND EVEN WORSE, THEY START DATING OTHER PEOPLE. This has never happened before and now James is panicking. He's also missing his soulmate, his love, the other half of him, because divorced!Sirius is the worst. All he talks about is this shitty new boyfriend of his and how much he's driving Sirius up the wall, and he doesn't do fun things with James anymore. He also doesn't want to hear about Remus (except he does), so James can't talk about meeting Remus for lunch, and he also can't talk to Remus about meeting Sirius for drinks. He can't have them over to his house at the same time. It's a disaster. James is suffering and sad. Sometimes he curls up in bed with a picture of the three of them from sixth year and cries while petting it tenderly.

@lynxindisguise , what say you?

[lynxindisguise]

Love the damp Crowmus moon kisses.

Are you taking orders for Azirius hatefuck bastardry? They might hate each other, but is the sex any good?

thank you so much!! poor sweet damp babies those two.

Azirius, on the other hand (AZIRIUS!!), no yeah the sex is amazing. They hate every minute of it though. It's something like...

"You ripped my waistcoat!" Aziraphale cries. "You're welcome," Sirius mutters, leaving a trail of bite marks down his neck. "It was fucking ugly." Aziraphale yanks him back by his hair. "You're... You have no taste!" They take a moment to glare at each other before their lips collide with an angry smack. "Turn around you posh fuck," Sirius spits. "You turn around!" The struggle that follows sends them tumbling onto the bed, and Aziraphale traps Sirius beneath him.

... something something, Sirius gets railed by Aziraphale's holy rod, and they scream out Remus and Crowley's names at the moment of climax

[impishtubist]

oooh sorry I meant when do crowmus and azirius first meet each other?? how do these pairings happen?

OH that makes more sense 😂

So, Sirius/Aziraphale have the meet-cute (even though they end up hating each other later) while Remus/Crowley have the meet-ugly (even though they stay friends).

Sirius actually goes to the bookshop because he's looking for a present for Harry, and he hears about this bookseller who has rare magical tomes in his collection, and Sirius thinks that some books on ancient magic might be perfect for his soon-to-be-professor godson (we don't believe in Auror Harry in this household). Aziraphale doesn't chase him out of the shop, they strike up a conversation, and hey, maybe they can use each other to get over their heartbreak! (Idk why Aziraphale is back from Heaven - maybe he turned his back on the Supreme Archangel gig but it was too little, too late, and they still divorced).

Meanwhile, Crowley decides that the best way to get over his heartbreak is to sleep with a bunch of humans. So he goes to a gay club, where-surprise!-Remus had the same idea. Only Remus severely misjudged his alcohol tolerance after years of not drinking, so he's in the bathroom puking his guts out when Crowley comes in. Crowley sticks around because, hey, there's something kind of endearing about this scrawny, pathetic human who is wrapped around the toilet seat and looks like he should be sent to the seaside for his health. And the rest is history.

[impishtubist]

Does Aziraphale do anything get back at Crowley for taking Remus to Alpha Centauri, or is he too busy trying to irritate Sirius?

Why not both? Aziraphale is a clever, bitchy angel. He can get back at Crowley AND irritate Sirius at the same time.

I think he would take Sirius on dates to all the spots that are meaningful to him and Crowley. The Ritz is the obvious one: that's their spot, and Aziraphale dares to bring his new boytoy there???? Crowley is FURIOUS. Meanwhile Sirius is Suffering because he does NOT belong in such a posh place (or he does, but that's what makes it such a miserable experience for him).

Oysters! They go have oysters at one point, to recreate one of their first dates. Crowley cries when he learns about it. Sirius has an allergic reaction.

Crepes! Aziraphale takes Sirius to France for crepes (gotta recreate the 1793 date, you know). Crowley yells at his plants so much, his garden wins Garden of the Year. Sirius eats his chocolate-covered crepe and fumes because it reminds him of Remus.

[lynxindisguise]

Tell me about some of the petty shit that Azirius do to annoy each other.

oooooh we love petty shit!

sirius likes to turn into padfoot specifically to track mud through the bookshop, knock things over with his tail, and chew on the books

aziraphale miracles sirius's motorbike into a cutesy little yellow scooter that can only hover two inches off the ground

sirius opens up a spooky antique shop to pawn off his family heirlooms and establishes himself as the cool bad boy of the Shopkeepers and Street Traders Association

aziraphale tells everyone that he's sirius's mentor as part of a rehabilitation program for convicted felons

sirius purposely calls aziraphale angel (with a lowercase 'a') because he knows it'll make him cry. he also develops a new interest in wearing sunglasses.

aziraphale consistently calls remus 'romulus,' forcing sirius to correct him

[impishtubist]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Shout-out to @pid-widgeon for watching @lynxindisguise and me lose our minds over this cracky Ineffable Wolfstar Divorce universe we dreamed up last month and being inspired to write fic for it! I'm excited to read more about these divorced disasters.

[lynxindisguise]

the whole snakemoon/azirius thing is so, so cursed but I love it so much haha

I think what we can learn from this experience is that @impishtubist and I should never combine forces because we are truly too powerful when our cursed energies are combined, and we can neither contain the chaos we unleash nor shield ourselves from it.