#baaaah

[tilbageidanmark]

BAAAAH

[ziusik]

This is going to be personal, so please feel free to skip if you do not care!

I've been having this very strange experience with the Heated Rivalry fandom, where I've been so immersed in talking about Russia and the Russian language, and it's been amazing and incredibly necessary - more necessary than I can express, really - but it's also felt slightly false anytime I say something like "I'm Russian" - like a piano key that's off-key. It is factually the right key, but it sounds wrong. Because, while I was born in Russia, and I did spend the first 11 years of my life there, and Russian is my first language, and I spent my entire childhood fully immersed in Russian/Soviet culture, reading Russian/Soviet books, watching Soviet cartoons & films & television, whenever I say the words "I'm Russian," it sounds off to me. And there's a very specific reason for that: when I was living in Russia, I wasn't considered Russian at all, because I was a Jew.

I'm not Russian, not really - because I couldn't actually say that when I lived there.

There is a joke among the Russian-Jewish immigrant population here: "It took us coming to America to become Russian." Har har har...it's fucking true, though.

As Jews in Russia, we were always othered. We were second-class citizens. My mother was told not to even bother applying to Moscow State University for a master's degree. We were given the stink-eye if we went anywhere near a Russian-Orthodox church. My sister got hounded simply for looking Jewish on the street. Our passports literally said "Jew" in them. I put some of these experiences into my book years ago, but I don't think I fully took stock of how it truly does make me feel to say "I'm Russian" and doubt my own words. It's the strangest experience.

When I think about Ilya, I think that we had very different experiences growing up - he's younger than me, he grew up in a different family, in a different city, etc etc etc, but the main difference is that he is actually Russian. And I am not.

And so, while I'm having an amazing time rolling around in all of this stuff with fandom, discussing names and language differences and cultural differences, there's this underlying false note playing in my head, not yours, not yours, not yours, wrong, wrong, wrong. That, somehow, despite everything, I don't deserve to take up this space because I'm not truly Russian. Absolutely wild how stuff like this can corrode you from the inside. I am Russian, because I was born there. I am Russian, because I lived there. I remember all of it - I've got the memory of an elephant, so I'm not exaggerating - but somehow, even in my own mind, I have this part of me that says you're lying, you're not even Russian at all. And I hate that it does.

[casualanimaniac]

sillies

oh twst masquerade event you will never NOT be the best

i love my stupid apple fam :')

[cutieespace]

drawing traditionally and humans for the first time in like a year hello

[squidlikestalking]

the temptation of having a gimmick blog is luring me in like the green goblin mask

"oooh you wanna be a sheep who goes baah when you see a post that mentions grass don't you ?"

[crustywhitedogboy]

if I was a goat you KNOW I'd be headbutting shit

pool noodles wont stop me!! ill be hitting you with my hard skull I dont car!!

[dumpsterfiree]

Fuuuckk….

look at this weird sheep i drew NOW

[thehotelpod]

I had my last official writers meeting with @manxmoss yesterday. We went over her very last Hotel script. A terrific episode that I had to fiddle with to fit into the rest of the Halloween episodes. We wrangled it and then talked for a bit about the uncertain future. I'm still so wrapped up in the chaos of production I keep forgetting this is the last time. I'm still writing and editing and I have more meetings with the actors and some artists and the ibis and jay and Memo for Hotel en español and on and on, but that was the last writers meeting for The Hotel. These Last Times keep grabbing my attention just as they round the corner out of sight. The to do list gets shorter. Every relief is also a loss.

Also a Moss!

But seriously folks, this is a Lily appreciation post. Her contribution to the show, the fandom, and my sanity, cannot be overstated. Some of the imagery and concepts she's put in her episodes were so compelling it shows up in season 6. Her creativity, empathy, and gd TENACITY have the pushed the show and myself do better when it would have been easy to let go.

Well it's boo hoo for us, but YOU'VE still got some Moss growing on you this year!

She's still got a couple episodes coming out, a Patreon exclusive and the Halloween one. Let's go ahead and talk about BOTH of those AND announce some Halloween stuff in the next episode of "We Made The Hotel!" where Lily and I will talk about the journey from Birdcage to [Redacted], the writers room process, and all the Big Plans that fell apart!

Coming to Patreon...sssssoooon? This month for sure. Whatever, go listen to The Game Show. Or The House!

I could ramble on for quite awhile singing her praises and listing all the Things Shes Done but I think I'm going to be making a lot of posts like these this year so I'll limit myself to a simple-

Thank you Lily