#backincali

[jeuneoiseau]

Weirdos From Another Planet

[jeuneoiseau]

Solar Eclipse 2017. Witnessing cycles and things passing over. All the more reason to be like the sun; all the more reason to believe I'm the moon.

[jeuneoiseau]

Accidental twinning and stumbling upon magical moments and really good hair days ✋

[jeuneoiseau]

I stopped taking photos that actually meant something to me (with my canon, spending time, editing) because I let some looming lie tell me that my gift wasn’t special anymore because everybody did it- that anybody could take pictures and I would never gain satisfaction from something unless it was "unique". But I picked my camera up for a couple of hours the other day to realize how easy breathing tends to be when I take photos (except when I hold my breath to take very still shots cuz then I almost pass out), and I told myself again to not overcomplicate it and just do the things that make me come alive. JUST DO IT.

[jeuneoiseau]

I’d like to write a book about all the events and characters in my life and the way I view it all.

[jeuneoiseau]

“It seems to me that much of life is figuring out what to hold on to and what to let go of.” Jamie Tworkowski

[jeuneoiseau]

I’m crying because I got a package in the mail today from my grandma, and it had french lemon-butter cookies in it and some chocolate too. I think it was supposed to be for valentine’s day. And I’m crying because I had been thinking about her just yesterday, and how I wish I could sit and chat with her and hug her, but I didn’t want to pick up the phone and call. I was reading Jamie Tworkowski today, and he was reminding me of the miracle that is love and friendship and the people in our lives, and how we should tell each other all that we mean to one another, make it clear as day. And I don’t feel like the grandest sister or friend. I don’t feel like the grandest daughter or grand-daughter. But I do feel loved. And I want to love better, to love deeper, to love in a wealthy way. Never shallow, always safe, never over-looking, always honest. These are the things that are adjusting me today. Jamie’s words and butter cookies from grandma.

2/16/17

[jeuneoiseau]

the story

Sitting in Heritage, drinking a chai latte, facing the window, watching cars pass and rain fall, and listening to penny and sparrow in my headphones. I’m working on my resume today, and as I was mustering up all of my “qualifications” I found myself wishing I had more experience outside of childcare (even though you have to be kick-ass in multiple areas of responsibility to take care of kids all by yourself). I scrolled through facebook earlier to find the most beautiful picture of my girl Madi smiling super wide. I see her facial features changing and she just looks so big now. I’m sad to be missing out on her little life and all her baby milestones. I took a screenshot. A mother and her young daughter are sitting on the vintage, gold couch before me, snuggled up reading “Madeline,” one of my favorite stories from when I was little, and now one of my favorite names. The mother leans forward to sip from her mug, and the little girl takes off her rain-boots and socks as she fidgets to get comfy and nestles into her mother’s arm. And just for a moment, the feeling returns; the longing to own, to care for, to love unconditionally…to be a mother to a little, dependent, wide eyed wonder, and be their entire world, all they know to be true. I felt that way with Madi and the boys. It came in waves, in the most unlikely of times. Regardless of the fact that I wasn’t their mother, and therefore didn’t have the same effect on them, and despite the days I thought I would crash and burn (mostly because of the boys), being with them taught me some of what it means to be sacrificial, to give up time and comfort for their own comfort and safety. Some days I would forget it was my job, that money was even involved. Being with them showed me how much I have been given in my lifetime. Parenting, discipline, unconditional love, wrongs and rights, unknowing, and continuing. Every day, continuing, despite the unknowing. It’s true, I miss it, and I want it. Not when I’m “ready” and not when life is perfect, but in the unknowing. The unknowing is, after all, what makes the thrill of the story.

2/2/17