Audio description: A compilation of short audio clips from the first arc of The Adventure Zone: episodes 2, 3, and 6, centered around Barry Bluejeans.
Transcript:
[EPISODE 2]
Barry: This is wonderful, thank you. Thank you, you kind soul. I will never ever forget this kindness that you have done for me, my name is Barry... J Bluejeans, uh, and I’m ready to kick some goblin ass! Where did they go?!
Taako: Listen, all the asses have been kicked, dear Barry.
Barry: Where--You didn’t leave me one ass?
Taako: No, we have--
Merle: There’s some stuff out in the weeds, if you’re really interested in it.
Taako: We have your clothes.
Barry: I will take those, yes. Those are my favorite clothes. My name is Barry J Bluejeans.
[Laughter]
Merle: Ironically, they are blue jeans, so...
Barry: Yeah. Well, no shit. How do you--Why do you think they call me that?
Clint: [crosstalk] Yeah, he is a douche.
Barry: [crosstalk] You think that it’s a family name?
Clint: Barry’s a douche.
Barry: Oh, guys, thank you so much. And again, that healing potion. So great. So smart. Definitely the right move to make.
-
Barry: Yeah, let’s get the hell out of this cave. I am not a big fan of this cave, my name is Barry Bluejeans.
-
[EPISODE 3]
Taako: Barry, what the hell happened?
Barry: A lot of shit. And it was all really terrible, and if you gave me the option I would not do it again.
-
Barry: I don’t know who this Black Spider is, but I would love to give him a piece of my mind. After I rest for about two months. I need to sleep, listen, I’ve partied pretty hard before in my life, I’m gonna need to sleep this one off.
Magnus: So it sounds to me like we’ve got no leads on Black Spider or anything like that. We should head to the town.
Barry: Listen, it’s not my first goddamn time at the bodyguard rodeo is it, Mag-nus?
Griffin: Barry seems pretty confident that he can track Gundren down.
Taako: Barry, let me ask you this: Do you need to go back to town?
Barry: I would love to go back to town. If we can get back there, let me get a few sips of the ol’ hooch, and maybe a, maybe a short rest, if you just give me like a 15-minute power nap…
Taako: Well, listen guys, [Crosstalk] why don’t we head back to town?
Magnus: [Crosstalk] I feel like something’s telling me to go back to town.
Barry: [Crosstalk] Kick on the white noise… okay.
Taako: Let’s go back to town and then maybe we can go buy some junk.
Barry: Yeah sure! Maybe some, uh, some horehound candy.
Merle: Whatever.
Barry: Well what’s— why are you beefing now?
-
Griffin: You drop off Barry Bluejeans to get his rest on.
Barry: Oh, by the way, I need my, uh, my box of shit.
Barry: Nah, I’m just gonna go ahead and take it with me into the inn. I’ve got a change of clothes in there. I smell like— I smell like, uh, I smell like a wet dog.
-
Barry: Like I said, that map. It was a fake. The real map— and this is really great, you guys are going to love this. The real map is inside that goddamn dwarf.
Merle: Yuck?
Barry: No it’s not like in his, it’s not like in his butt or anything. Well, I guess a little bit? It’s his uh…
Magnus: Is this, like, Fifth Element style?
Barry: No, it wasn’t love the whole time.
-
Barry: That dwarf, his blood, is actually the map. His blood! Isn’t that great? Have you heard anything like that before?
-
Merle: Well, I’m a cousin. Would my blood work?
Barry: That is not a bad idea!
Griffin: (He says. And he’s like,)
Barry: Can I, uh, can I borrow your hand there? For a second.
Merle: Um. I’d be a lot more comfortable if you let me decide where the blood was gonna come from.
Barry: I mean, just to make sure you get a lot. And make sure it’s good blood.
Merle: Uh, when you say “a lot”...
Barry: Tell me about your cholesterol.
-
Barry: Can you cut more? Can we do more holes? I thought you guys were like big brave heroes, and you’re just like, it’s like a child getting a booster shot over here.
-
Taako: Do you wanna come with us, Barry?
Barry: I really need to rest. I, uh...
Taako: Barry, it would look bad if you let your charge... if you didn’t rescue them. I mean, what would--
Barry: It would look super bad if I just, like, died. It would be equally bad--
[Laughter]
Travis: That’s gotta be bad for business.
Barry: Let me pitch you this: It would be equally bad if I just fucking die.
-
Barry: Spiders are pretty small, right? So… I dunno how that guy would be able to like kidnap, and extort and shit if he was just a little spider. But I don’t know. You know, they don’t pay me to… to think.
Taako: Alright. Thanks, Barry.
-
[EPISODE 6]
Barry: Oh, my god, ya back! You guys, you gotta help me, I’ve never seen it— him like this— well, obviously, I’ve never seen him engulfed in flames and all magical and shit, but if things are really bad, you guys, you gotta calm him down.
Audio Description: A clip from The Adventure Zone: Balance.
Transcript:
Griffin: His- his whispers are actually filling the room. They’re- they’re really loud.
Travis: Cool.
Red Robe: Are you afraid?
Taako: No!
Magnus: I mean, sometimes.
Taako: Yeah, I think we all are, it’s natural--
Magnus: Y’know, you get lonely and you’re like ‘what if I never meet the right person’ and oof, there’s a lot to worry about, y’know what I mean?
Red Robe: You do not know how to be afraid.
Merle: Well, probably not.
Magnus: Oh.
Merle: If it’s a smartness thing, no, uh-uh.
Griffin: It uh, it extends a sleeve of its robe and displays-
Travis: --And hands you ‘Being Afraid for Dummies’.
Griffin: [laughs] It says ‘How to be Afraid’.
Griffin: No, he actually kind of projects this almost holographic representation of a series of familiar faces, and, uh, it says:
Red Robe: Gundren Rockseeker. Magic Brian. Jenkins. Sloane. Captain Bane.
(And as it says these names, their faces sort of appear in the palm of its hand. And it says:)
Red Robe: This is the true nature of man. The want, the hunger, it consumes everything it touches, it can’t be stopped or changed. It’s the end of everything.
Justin: No, I, well I mean, it depends, did I know he was incorporeal before, or did I watch him, Travis, attack first? If I watch Magnus attack first, I probably didn’t blast it with Magic Missile.
Griffin: Okay, uh then-
Travis: I step- Magnus steps into the place that he is, and kind of blends in with him and goes
Magnus: Oh, Ho Ho, I’m in a red robe!
Griffin: He phases, he phases-
Justin: Okay, now I do use magic missile.
Griffin: He uh, he phases sort of upwards so he’s floating above you.
Red Robe: Okay, excuse me…
Magnus: Uh-huh!
Red Robe: Uh… ‘sup?
Griffin: No, uh-
Travis: A/S/L.
Justin: ASMR.
Red Robe: I spoke to you about the hunger of all living things.
Magnus: When?
Merle: Well, when was that?
Griffin: The last time he fucking saw you. Remember a thing! Remember-
Travis: No that was in character, Griffin. That was Magnus.
Griffin: Oh.
Red Robe: The last, when - in the office building.
Magnus: In the-? Oh. Oh! With Bane Bane. With Captain Captain Bane.
Red Robe: Yeah, he tried to poison you. But I st-
Magnus: He tried to poison us!?
Red Robe: Okay, so a lot of things went unnoticed.
Merle: I’m not remembering, that one is by me.
Red Robe: Well, take it on credit. I warned you about the hunger of all living things.
Magnus: Mmhmm.
Griffin: He motions to all the different planes, and he says:
Red Robe: This is the power it seeks. The power of creation itself.
Magnus: Got it.
Red Robe: A billion billion lives have been devoured by this hunger in pursuit of its power.
Magnus: A billion billion?
Red Robe: Yes.
Magnus: That’s a lot!
Red Robe: It sure is.
Griffin: He waves a hand and uh, there is a crate sort of in the back of the room by the lectern. It actually kind of looks like a, kind of like a trash bin? And as he motions towards it, it tips over and some small gemstone disks crash out of it. One of them, you can see, is a very dark disk kind of like black. But you can see definitely like flecks of red and green and blue color in this black disk. This disk, this disk begins to shake and this horrifying black cloud sort of emerges out of it and it slowly creeps towards these disks that are floating in the room, and one by one, just consumes them. As each disk is consumed you hear like, screaming voices coming from it.
Travis: Woah, hey.
Griffin: It is an absolutely terrifying scene. It consumes the prime material plane, and you feel kind of sick watching it. After it has consumed all of them, this red robed figure snaps his fingers [snaps] and the cloud disappears. This vision kind of leaves you. And he says-
Red Robe: There is no more running, there is no escape. This world is life’s last chance.
Magnus: Who are you?
Red Robe: It's not time for me to tell you that yet.
Magnus: What time will you tell me?
Red Robe: In like, ten episodes.
Magnus: Okay, I'll put it in my calendar.
Griffin: He says, uh
Red Robe: You three are the on– Taako? Taako, where did you find that umbrella?
Taako: Yeah, I took it off this uhh, I took it off this dead thug with a red robe. This dead guy, he had a red robe.
Red Robe: You f- you, you-
Magnus: He was totes dead!
Taako: He was dead though I didn’t [cross talk]
Merle: You just killed-Did we kill him or?
Taako: No.
Merle: No. Okay, we would have!
Magnus: He was long dead.
Taako: No problem, no problem here.
Griffin: This, this, he’s starting to shudder. There’s red electricity kind of crackling through him. He says-
Red Robe: Wha- What? Where di-? What did you? You found her?
Travis: I’m gonna step a little bit away from Taako.
Merle: It was a lady?
Griffin: As he shouts that he bursts into flames and disappears.
Justin: Dag.
Clint: Wow.
Griffin: And the lights turn back on and Lucas says-
