#baywatching

[laqueus]

fondly thinking about how Baywatch did a half-assed Phantom of the Opera plot that was more about Edgar Allan Poe and was supposed to have a cameo from KISS that got cut & also featured Robert Cuccioli as the phantom

allison pregler covered it in a video which I am linking here because i 💖 baywatching

[theonlyacceptableevalana]

My Baywatching brain:

[moviecriticseanpatrick-blog]

[trashogram]

I think it would be fun to do a ‘Baywatching’ type series on Helluva Boss —

Ex:

Baywatching

Every episode of Baywatch, hilariously recapped and reviewed!

— but I know Viv’s team would never allow it and the attempt would get shot down by a torrent of butt-hurt bullets.

Still, Stolas would be my Eddie — or maybe Guido. I could give him the whiniest voice 😁

[youngerfrankenstein]

I saw this one as a kid actually. I remember it being, like, fine?

…Fuck remember when movies took time to make???

Peter Cullen could read me the phone book in his Optimus Prime voice I swear.

[cold-black-and-infinite]

Nine Inch Nails + Baywatching, 2/?

[lauralot89]

everything about baywatch is so wild to me that i have to convey it in the form of a timeline

1989: baywatch premieres as a television movie, panic at malibu pier.  the unedited version of the film contains random topless ladies who contribute nothing to the plot, but exist to make video store rentals lucrative

also 1989: baywatch season one premieres on nbc.  each episode contains several montages of beach stock footage and slow motion lifeguard running set to music to pad the runtime.  one of the lead actors is named billy warlock, the coolest name that will ever be

1990: after one season, nbc cancels baywatch.  screenwriter lee goldberg would later say of the show, “baywatch should never have been a series. lifeguards dive into the water and rescue people. so what? one producer said, 'you know, i can come up with stories for the home shopping network, and i can't come up with stories for this show.”

1992: david hasselhoff believes in baywatch so much that he has the series picked up for syndication.  season two premieres with a significantly smaller budget, and as such product placement is rampant and all shots filmed must be used, regardless of visible errors.  the show now has the iconic theme song “i’ll be ready”

also 1992: the baywatch/gilligan’s island crossover episode “now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale” premieres.  gilligan and mary ann are the only gilligan’s island characters to appear in the crossover

1993: season three of baywatch premieres, now with pamela anderson as a cast member.  her character cj was first introduced playing an alto saxophone at the side of a river where mitch buchannon was searching for gold buried by his deceased prospector uncle

also 1993: baywatch teamed up with sega to release “lifeguard potential,” a water safety psa for uk children hosted by chris evans, but not the chris evans of marvel fame

1994: david hasselhoff performs a pay per view concert in atlantic city meant to help his singing career with united states audiences.  during the concert, hasselhoff goes backstage to find donald trump watching the oj simpson car chase, broadcasting live, on television.  as a result of approximately 90 million people watching the car chase, the concert was a 1.5 million dollar loss

1995: baywatch nights premieres.  originally envisioned by david hasselhoff as a detective show completely separate from baywatch, the show ended up as a baywatch spinoff with mitch buchannon and garner ellerbee starting up a detective agency along with angie harmon of later Law & Order fame.  the show was called nights because the detective agency was located above a club called nights, yet advertising for the show stated mitch was a “lifeguard by day and detective by night,” despite the majority of season one taking place in the day

also 1995: baywatch the movie: forbidden paradise is released on video

1996: the baywatch episode “baywatch angels” airs.  in this episode, the lifeguards are being targeted with trip wire bombs and are saved by charlie’s angels.  except instead of actually getting the charlie’s angels actresses, it’s three female baywatch cast members dressed up as the charlie’s angels

1997: baywatch nights season two premieres.  the show is now about mitch as a paranormal investigator, x-files style, and is widely panned as ridiculous.  which, in fairness, it is, but original baywatch had ghost possessions and alien abductions so it’s not like this is without precedent.  despite season one of baywatch nights having a psychic character, she inexplicably never appears in any of the paranormal episodes

also 1997: baywatch nights is cancelled

1998: baywatch: white thunder at glacier bay premieres direct to video

also 1998: david hasselhoff stars as nick fury in the television movie nick fury: agent of shield.  other roles in the film are played by minor baywatch and baywatch nights actors, such as lisa rinna as contessa val allegra de fontaine, sandra hess as andrea von strucker, and neil roberts as alexander pierce.  the movie was intended to lead into a nick fury television series.  it did not succeed.

1999: baywatch moves filming to hawaii due to rising production costs in los angeles.  the show is now branded as baywatch: hawaii.

2001: baywatch is cancelled again, this time for good.  so far.

also 2001: star trek: enterprise premieres.  due to declining viewership of preceding star trek franchises, enterprise seeks a new viewing demographic: baywatch fans.  they do this by having scenes in nearly every episode where the cast strips down to their underwear and rubs ‘decontamination gel’ on each other after visiting alien planets.  this does not succeed in drawing any new viewers in, as internet porn is readily available by this point

2003: the made for television movie baywatch: hawaiian wedding premieres

2017: baywatch, starring dwayne johnson and zac efron, premieres in theaters.  dwayne johnson is playing mitch buchannon and at one point has a scene with david hasselhoff, who is also playing mitch buchannon, because why not

there’s just no detailing all the ridiculousness and twists and turns of this history of baywatch.  it was the most watched show of all time and the longest running show to never be nominated for an emmy.  to this day, hasselhoff insists that baywatch wasn’t about sex.  i’ve tried my best here but i’d need to include every single episode to really demonstrate how absurd it all was.  everyone go watch baywatching.

[swan2swan]

Please watch Baywatching.