RETURN OF FLYNN WHITE EPISODE 1
Written by @milk-420 and I
CHAPTER 1
EPISODE 1 - Male Pattern Baldness
THE SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC RAZOR FADES IN, CAMERA PANNING TO AN OLDER FLYNN WHITE SHAVING HIS RATHER SHINY SCALP.
HE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY, UNTIL HIS DREAMY BROWN EYES MEET THE CAMERA.
FLYNN:
(Shrugging)
«Well I guess I’m dad now… Might as well get to work!»
LAUGHTRACK PLAYS.
HE GRABS A YELLOW SUIT FROM THE BACK OF HIS CLOSET, LAYERING IT OVER HIS SILK PAJAMAS.
FLYNN WHITE SLIDES DOWNSTAIRS USING HIS FIREMAN’S POLE.
IN HIS HAND WAS A CRUTCH.
GRETCHEN AND ELLIOT’S MONEY SURE CAME IN CLUTCH!
BUT NOT FOR LONG…
TOO BAD, HE WAS GOING TO SPEND IT ALL ON EQUIPMENT FOR COOKING THE GOOD STUFF;
BLUE CRYSTAL METH.
FLYNN WHITE IS DRIVING TO THE NEW LAB,
BOTH OF HIS FEET WORKING HARD TO MOVE FORWARD.
THE CAMERA CUTS TO FLYNN’S LEFT FOOT ON THE BRAKES, WHILE HIS RIGHT FOOT PRESSES DOWN THE CLUTCH.
DAVID BOWIE’S «LIFE ON MARS?» IS BLASTING FROM THE RADIO.
CAMERA SHOWS THE CAR FROM ABOVE, SUDDENLY SLOWING DOWN AND TAKING A U-TURN.
«OOPSIES, WRONG WAY.» FLYNN BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL, LAUGHING.
WE ZOOM OUT, EVENTUALLY WE CAN SEE THAT THERE IS LIFE ON MARS. SCENE ENDS WITH A DRAMATIC «BOOM».
FLYNN IS NOW IN THE NEW METH LAB FOR THE FIRST TIME.
FLYNN:
Heh...I guess I should get my meth on!
GUS MANAGED TO ACTUALLY SURVIVE THE BOMB ATTACK 20 YEARS AGO AND HELPS FLYNN START HIS LAB. HE DOESN'T HAVE HALF OF HIS FACE THOUGH. IT'S STILL JUST FALLING OFF.
GUS:
Damnnnn man ur really cooking!!!
FLYNN:
Yeah man.
I always cook fr. That’s why they call me Da Freaking Chef on Facebook, get it?
FLYNN IS NOW POURING THE LIQUID BLUE METH ONTO THE SHEET PANS, DOING A DEBBY RYAN SMIRK. HE ATTEMPTED TO PUT HIS HAIR BEHIND HIS EAR, THEN QUICKLY REMEMBERED WHAT HE DID THIS MORNING.
FLYNN:
Whoops! Can’t do that anymore
HE CHUCKLES LOOKING NERVOUSLY AROUND THE ROOM.
AFTER GUS’ MURDER ATTEMPT HE GOT SUPER EMO AND STOPPED SHAVING HIS HEAD, SHOWING OFF HIS GORGEOUS 4C CURLS TO FLYNN.
GUS:
Like these curls?
FLYNN PUNCHES THE AIR IN RESPONSE.
FLYNN:
Why are you making fun of meeeeee???? I just shaved my head stawp reminding meeee.
FLYNN POUTS. HE MIGHT BE 34 BUT HE'S STILL 16 AND A TOTAL CUTIE AT HEART! AT LEAST ACCORDING TO HIS MOM’S COLLEAGUES.
ANOTHER LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.
GUS:
We could get 10 billion dollars from this next batch, Jesse!
FLYNN IS CAUGHT OFF GUARD.
FLYNN:
Jesse?
GUS STARTS GASPING AND CLUTCHING AT HIS CHEST. HE’S HAVING A HEART ATTACK!
FLYNN PUNCHES HIM REPEATEDLY.
FLYNN:
It’s the darn vape! I swear. Your brain is scrambled, you just called me Jesse! FUCKING idiot!
GUS FUCKING DIES.. AGAIN
FLYNN LOOKS AT GUS’ DEAD BODY, WONDERING WHAT TO DO.
FLYNN:
Well is this the time to cut his hair into a French bob?
HE FINDS THE BOXCUTTERS FROM THAT ONE EPISODE AND STARTS RIPPING OFF GUS’ HAIR AT A RAPID SPEED.
FLYNN:
Ouuuu mamacita now you’re ringing the bell…
HE’S HUMMING LAVA CHICKEN BY JACK BLACK WHILE HE PLAYS WITH THE HAIR STRANDS ONE BY ONE, FORMING THEM INTO SHANE DAWSON’S PROPOSAL PHOTO USING A YOUTUBE TUTORIAL.
FLYNN:
I should’ve asked him about his hair care before he died…
HE STOPS FOR A MOMENT.
FLYNN:
Nevermind! I’ll just raid his house! I’m sure his bathroom cabinet can help. «Bleach»? Aw man I shouldn’t have shaved all of my hair off. Hold on a second… I still have eyebrows!
FLYNN SLATHERS THE BLEACH ONTO HIS EYEBROWS LIKE BBQ SAUCE, DOING ANOTHER DEBBY RYAN SMIRK AT THE CAMERA, BREAKING THE 4TH WALL
FLYNN:
Now I likey-likey!
ANOTHER LAUGH TRACK PLAYS AND
IT CUTS TO THE NEXT SCENE SIMILARLY TO A LOONEY TUNES EPISODE.
<NEXT SCENE>
BACK IN THE LAB AFTER BLEACHING HIS EYEBROWS
HE SEES THE METH IS DONE MARINATING AND IS READY TO BE CRUSHED INTO CHUNKS.
HE GRABS A SLUDGEHAMMER.
FLYNN:
(Rubbing his belly)
Now that’s how you make some darn good meth!
HE ENDS UP TURNING THE METH INTO A POWDER- GUS’ DEAD BODY STILL ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HIM.
HE CHECKS THE PURITY OF HIS NEW METH BEFORE SENDING IT OFF TO THE CARTEL. OH MY GOD;
104% PURITY.
FLYNN IS BETTER THAN HIS DAD!
HE MADE NEW LABELS FOR HIS METH, CALLING IT MEGAMINDS ASHES™.
FLYNN GRABS HIS 300 POUNDS WORTH OF BLUE METH AND STARTS BAGGING IT INTO SMALL CONTAINERS, COVERING IT IN LOS POLLOS HERMANOS SIGNATURE SAUCE... JUST LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS!
FLYNN:
This meth better taste as tasty as the freaking Los Pollos Hermanos Signature Sauce. So tasty! With over 40 different locations around the state of New Mexico, you can get our 10 dollar chicken bucket for 5 dollars on sundays! We support those Christian people! Jesus forevaaa!!!
SUDDENLY, GUS’ BODY TWITCHES, AND HIS FRAIL VOICE CAN BARELY BE HEARD BEFORE HE STOPS COMPLETELY, PROLLY FOREVER.
GUS:
Thank you for the rose! Mmm ice cream so good!
FLYNN MATCHES HIS FREAK AFTER THAT
FLYNN:
(Throwing his hands up in the air)
Die pleaaseee like…
FLYNN THROWS THE METH BAGS TO THE SUSPICIOUSLY CONVENIENTLY POSITIONED EMPLOYEES BEHIND THE METH LAB.
HE WIPES IMAGINARY DIRT OFF OF HIS YELLOW JUMPSUIT.
FLYNN:
Wow! What a tough day of work! Time to dispose of the body.
FLYNN ACTIVATES HIS JETPACK AND PICKS GUS UP USING HIS CRUTCHES AS CHOPSTICKS.
FLYNN:
(Singing while operating)
♪ I took a pill in New Mexico to show Gus Fring that I was cool. And when I finally got sober felt 10 years older but fuck at least I didn’t get my family killed..!♪
HE PULLS GUS OUT OF THE LAUNDROMAT, FLYING TO A NEARBY DESERT, SWINGING HIM FROM LEFT TO RIGHT, LEFT TO RIGHT WITH HIS CHOPSTICK CRUTCHES.
FLYNN:
Fly queen! Fly!
HE FLINGES GUS TO THE GROUND. TURNS OUT DEAD BODIES REALLY AREN’T AERODYNAMIC LIKE HE HAD IMAGINED.
<NEXT SCENE>
FLYNN IS BACK IN HIS HOUSE. ALL THE LIGHTS ARE TURNED OFF. HE GOES TO HIS KITCHEN TO GET A GLASS OF WATER…
BUT HE HEARS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR!! WHO COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE?!? WHAT THE FLIPPING HECK? HE PEEPS IN THE FRICKING PEEPHOLE.
IT’S HIS MOTHER- SKYLAR WHITE.
SKYLAR:
My name is Skylar White yo.
FLYNN LOOKS PERPLEXED.
FLYNN:
Yeah I know your name you’re my mom goddamnit.
SKYLER LAUGHS, CUEING A PAINFULLY LATE LAUGH TRACK
SKYLAR:
Oh you!
SHE BREAKS THE 5TH WALL. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! HER BLUE ORBS SHINE DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA LENSE. SOMEBODY GET HER BROWN EYE CONTACTS! SHE FLUTTERS HER EYELASHES WHILE THE LAUGH TRACK FADES OUT.
FLYNN:
Come on in! Welcome to my humble abode.
SKYLAR SITS DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE AND TRIES TO MAKE SMALL TALK.
SKYLAR:
So what are you doing for work, my incredible son with Cerebral Palsy and a positive canthal tilt?
FLYNN AUDIBLY GULPS
FLYNN:
Gulp! Don’t tell mom about your meth business! .. Did I say that out loud?
SKYLAR SCREAMS.
*imput wilhelm scream*
SKYLAR:
YOUR WHAT??!!1?!?!/1? WHO MADE YOU DO THIS?
FLYNN:
I didn’t choose the thug life, mama. The thug life chose me. Tuff.
SKYLAR SHRIEKS ON MAX VOLUME SETTINGS.
SKYLAR:
I FUCKED TED I FUCKED TED !!! IM SKYLAR WHITE YO
SHE TOTALLY STARTS MALFUNCTIONING AND GLITCHING ALL OVER THE PLACE. SHE WAS A ROBOT ALL THIS TIME!
FLYNN:
(Singing the following in the melody of ‘Something in the way’)
♪ Something in the way.. Yeah. Ooooooh. I always knew… Something was in the way all along, and it was Skylar’s voicebox. Her ability to speak against my decisions. Bruh. Ooooooh. ♪
EPISODE 1 ENDS WITH ‘SOMETHING IN THE WAY’ BY NIRVANA PLAYING OVER THE ROLLING CREDITS. THE BABY FROM THE ALBUM COVER BOUNCES ACROSS THE SCREEN LIKE THE DVD SCREENSAVER. THE BABY FINALLY HITS A CORNER AND THE CREDITS END WITH ANOTHER BOOM.


















