June
“Liam, what the fuck? It’s seven in the morning. THE MORNING!” I groaned as he shook me awake. “I didn’t want to see any time before eleven all summer.” “But we have a plan.” He said, too chirpy for such an hour. “Who is we?” “Well, if you opened your eyes you could see.” After one more angry groan, I shot an eye open, seeing Jamie there waving coyly at me, looking just as tired as I was feeling.
I slowly opened my other eye, my brows furrowed low as I glanced between the two of them, confused, waiting for an explanation. “What are you two up to?” I grunted. “We just thought, that our mum, and Jamie’s mum, both need a bit of cheering up. So we thought we could surprise them with a day out, all expenses paid!” He grinned. Suddenly, I was a little more awake. I sat myself upright, rubbing over my eyes and getting used to the idea of having a long day on little sleep. But it would all be worth it. My mum was doing a lot better, but the same couldn’t be said for Jamie’s. Either way, they probably both really needed a day of cheering up. “Shit.” I tried to bring myself to life. “Yeah, definitely. Yeah. What’s the plan then?” “We dunno.” Jamie shrugged. “We thought maybe you’d be able to think of something.” “Yeah, we kind of came to you with half an idea.” Liam sulked. “Half an idea at seven in the morning.” “Sorry.” Liam cringed and giggled. My mind automatically ran back to the day where Niall jumped on top of me and Harry when I was staying with Ben and Kev, saying he was taking us on a day out, which just wound up being a trip to the pub. I definitely didn’t want to take Lisa and Carol to the pub, but I did think about Harry telling me of the other day trip Niall had taken the two of them on. “We should take them to the zoo.” I smiled. “I know it’s a bit of a drive but, that would be good, right?” The two of them smiled wide, seemingly happy with my idea. Or Niall’s idea. Either way, the deal was sealed. + + + Carols wig looked like it was itching. The two women chuckled about some boy they both went out with in school, since they went back years, but all I could do was stare at her fiddling and messing and trying to act casual in that wig. I had to wonder who it was for. I didn’t know if the wig was for her sake, in an attempt to feel normal. Or maybe it was to stop the staring. Maybe the wig was there just to cause an illusion that she was fit and healthy. I guess it just seemed like a facade to me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of Carol seeing her life as a production, a stage show; an illusion she was creating to force normality. I was probably thinking about it too much, really, but I just wanted her to be happy and to not do that typical motherly thing where she felt the need to hold everything and everyone together. I really didn’t want her to be wearing a semblance of a smile to cooperate with her wig. I wanted her to find joy in everything, and I knew, I just knew, she wanted to take that damn wig off. Jamie toyed with his fries as the rest of us tucked into the disgusting fast-food they had available at the zoo, because I think he had spotted the same thing, and he couldn’t really digest because of it. Liam seemed blissfully unaware, asking the two of them about this high school romance they had shared, who was apparently called Keith, which was the only thing that had made Jamie smile in what felt like a lifetime. He was miserable, which was understandable, but not entirely excusable. “So he was dating you both at the same time?” Liam bewildered, a massive smile on his face. “Yeah, that little bastard.” My mum choked through a laugh. “Your dads really just been added onto a long list.” The two older women laughed, and honestly, I had to join in, because it felt so good to hear my mother joking about it and placing herself above him and holding herself so well. Many months had slithered by since she first found out, and of course she was bound to feel better, but I hadn’t seen her like that. Honestly, it felt amazing, and I could see it did for her too. “I don’t want to lower the tone.” Carol said toward the end of her giggle, running her hand through the fake hair once more. “But I cannot believe that Jennifer did that to you.” Liam’s face dropped before mine did, because his penny dropped before mine did. Our mother glanced between our faces before kind of shrugging it off, because the truth had been kept under wraps for long enough, and it was useless carrying that on. I was still trying to figure out what they were talking about. “Yeah well... we were never that close anyway.” My mum shrugged. “I always said she was a bitch.” “Wait-” Liam almost choked on his burger. “It was Jen?” “What was Jen?” I cried. “Who dad was cheating with!” Liam turned to me, before shooting straight back to our mum. “Was it Jen?” Jennifer was a woman we had grown up with. Apparently, at school, it was Lisa, Carol, and Jennifer. Inseparable. My mum and Jen had remained close throughout their lives. Jen even worked with my mum for a while. Carol and my mum started getting closer again when me and Jamie went to college. But my mum and Jen had literally been friends since school. We called her Auntie Jen! I really didn’t want to talk about it, because I could see the pride being washed from my mother’s face, and all the sadness I’d grown accustom to returning. I wanted to keep her happy, but I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She tried to find the right thing to say, breathing and sighing and coughing over the wrong words, until she eventually answered, in the most honourable way she could. “They’re both happy,” She gulped. “And very much in love. So, it’s best to… leave them to it.” I didn’t even know what to say. I wasn’t sure I had anything to say. I was just completely dumbstruck by the whole thing. I’m glad Liam found the words. God, fuck, I was just glad he was around full-stop. “What? How can you speak like that?” He was getting worked up. “After what she’s done? How? What? Do you know how long it was going on for?” “A few years.” “A FEW YEARS?” I steadily put my hand on his knee under the table and squeezed hard, silently hope to spur a calm within him. I was hurting, and I definitely wanted to be yelling with him, but I also wanted to keep the peace, as much as possible. It was a shock to both of us, but the whole point of us being there in the first place was to have a nice day out and forget about the troubles we were going through. “She’s not even worth talking about.” I shuddered. My mum and Carol nodded along confidently, completely agreeing. Liam mumbled an apology, and began tucking back into his food as a way of soothing, placing his hand on top of mine and squeezing tightly. I think that was the first time I realised, that Liam was grateful to have me around, too. + + + The seals had been my favourite so far. There was one seal in particular, who kept spinning around in circles and bobbing its head up and down, who I really loved. I had probably been staring for a good ten minutes. Carol and my mum skipped off with their arms linked over to the reptile house, giggling and giddy with nerves, for some reason. They were only bloody reptiles, behind glass nonetheless, and they had been building up the courage to go in all day. I shook my head and went back to the seal, looking at the little sign ahead of me in the hope that I would be able to differentiate the seals and figure out the name of my favourite. I soon found out he was called Spinny. “Oh my god, yes.” I mumbled to myself. “Best name ever.” “Who’re you talking to?” Jamie appeared over my shoulder. I pointed Spinny out to him, who was still turning round and round, which made Jamie laugh enough in itself before I then pointed out the name. “Best name ever.” I said again. “That’s fucking brilliant.” He was laughing until he started looking around him, searching the area, and I knew he was going to panic before he did, so I cut in. “She’s gone to the reptile house.” I told him. “Is she okay?” “She’s fine. She’s with my mum.” His face dropped again, and he went back to being miserable, like he had been all day. I tried to be both tender and stern as I dragged him over to a bench behind us, ignoring him complaining and asking what I was doing and sitting him down, because I needed to have some calm words with him before his face became a strain on the day. I sat down next to him, and let out a deep breath. I stayed quiet for a while, and we people watched. I smiled at the sight of Liam pulling funny faces at a seal. “I’m the queen of having a face like a slapped arse.” I said from nowhere. “Huh?” “Literally, I’m great at it. There’s this guy at uni, Harry. We’re all good now, but when he first moved in I hated him, and I let it effect me all the time. I went through a stage of being miserable all the fucking time. Didn’t help when my mum told me about the divorce-” “What are you getting at?” He questioned. “A couple of months ago, I decided I needed to cheer the fuck up. To take my happiness into my own hands and sort myself out. Me and Harry are friends. Things with my family are weird, but, they’re okay. I don’t want to spend my time constantly feeling sorry for myself.” I sighed. “You can’t ever forget that your happiness, has a knock-on effect for so many other people’s happiness.” He was nodding, looking around that area rather than look at me, his eyes scanning people as they wandered by. Maybe he was just trying to figure out the message I was giving him, but Jamie had never been the best at reading in between the lines. Even so, it wasn’t that hard to miss what I was saying. It took him a while, but he finally turned to me, which is what I had been waiting for. I guess all those lectures discussing body language had gotten me somewhere, because I knew him turning to me meant he wanted me to continue my tale; he wanted me to make my point, to fully hear what I was trying to tell him. “I know you’re going through a really rough time.” I continued. “But I can’t sit here and say I know what you’re going through, because I don’t. I don’t have a clue how you feel, and I never will. Even so, I just feel like...” “Spit it out.” He smiled after a moments silence. “I can take it.” “You need to cheer up.” I said bluntly. “Be sad. Wallow in it. But come to me, okay? Come to me and cry your heart out, if you need to. But when you’re around your mum, you need to put on a brave face. Because the second you do, it’ll bounce right back onto her. She shouldn’t have to plaster on a brave face for you. She… She needs to do that for herself.” “She doesn’t wanna wear that fucking wig.” He tutted. “I know.” “You think she’s wearing it for me?” He asked. “I dunno. Maybe… Partly.” I shrugged. He nodded. I hated the thought that I had possibly taken that little chat too far or been a little too harsh, but he reacted very well, even better than I expected. He knew exactly where I was coming from, and that I had every good intention under the sun. “I love you, Pippa.” He smiled. “I really fucking do.” “I love you too.” I nudged him. “I’m gunna go find her. I’m also, gunna have a massive smile on my face when I do.” He ruffled my hair before leaping up to his feet, leaving me giggling and trying to sort out the mess on top of my head as soon as he skipped off. He was rolling his shoulders as he disappeared into the darkness of the reptile house, and I could tell he was building himself up for the whole thing. It wasn’t going to be easy for him, but he knew the possible repercussions, so it was worth it. I got to my feet, about to go over to Liam before I noticed he was completely preoccupied with pulling faces at a monkey. I wandered in the complete opposite direction, past the seals, and I was next greeted with a bunch of little penguins all pottering around. Without even giving it a second thought, I took my phone out of my bag, and sent a picture of them to Harry, adding a little message underneath. Me: Lulu and Luke made some friends. These ones aren’t stuffed though... Yet. It sent and I kept my phone in my hand, hoping to have a text back from him within the next few minutes, but Harry did better than that. The continuous vibrating in my hand proved that he had decided to call. “Hi!” I chuckled when I answered. “Are you with penguins?” He cried. “I am with penguins.” I laughed. “WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?” I moved over to the first sign, and saw a bunch of benign information about penguins that I would never remember, before I skipped over to the next, and saw a list of names. “Flip, Flap, Flop, Fish, and Gary.” “Gary?” “Seriously.” I laughed. “You’re having me on?” He gawped. “I’M NOT! Seriously, I’ll send you a picture of the sign!” “Yeah. I need picture proof of that. But don’t hang up! How are you?” The butterflies in my stomach were the most noticeable animals I had encountered all day. I could practically hear the little bastards swarming around in there. I knew the only butterfly Harry was experiencing was the one permanently tattooed to his stomach. “I’m okay. Are you?” I gulped. “I’m great yeah. I’m with Ed! He says hi! Niall says hi too!” It must have been the Ibiza reunion they had planned to do over summer. I was having a wonderful day, don’t get me wrong, but a tiny little part of me wished I was there with them. “I say hi back!” “How come you’re with penguins?” He quizzed. “We’re doing a day out. Jamie brought his mum and me and Liam brought our Lisa so... yeah. It’s supposed to cheer them up.” “Hold on. Just give me a sec.” I could tell he was moving. He was up on his feet and leaving the room, I could tell, and that insinuated to me that he was going to ask me some serious questions, not meant for the innocent ears of Niall Horan and Ed Sheeran. “You there?” I asked. “Yeah, I’m here.” He replied. “How are things?” “They’re okay.” “How’s Jamie? Still annoyingly attractive?” “What?” I giggled, confused. ”Nowt. Is he alright? Is his mum alright?” “Umm. I think so. I think they’re doing well, yeah. They’re both really brave.” “And how are you?” He asked. “You’re pretty brave yourself.” “Shut up.” I laughed to the floor. “My mum is doing loads better, and that’s all that matters.” “You matter.” He prompted. “I wanna know how you are?” I stared at the penguins ahead of me, and all I wanted to think about and concentrate on, was how normal it was for a close friend like Harry to care about me and how I was doing. But everything seemed amplified when it came to him. Every touch and every word became something I couldn’t escape, something I held onto and read into and devoured. It didn’t mean anything but I was convincing myself it did. He just cared, like a friend should. It wasn’t anything more than that. “I’m good, actually.” I rubbed my free hand over my eyes. “I’m... Yeah. I’m good.” “Good!” He laughed, unaware of my turmoil. “It’s hard to be anything but when you’re surrounded by penguins.” “Very true.” I shuddered. “Especially a penguin called Gary.” “Something I’ve yet to experience.” “Someday.” “I’ll have to visit that exact zoo, I imagine. Will you take me?” “Hmm, that depends on how well behaved you are next year.” I smiled. “So what does that mean?” I could hear his grin. “No fights? No shagging girls? No calling you Pip-Squeak?” “To name a few!” I wanted to stay on the phone forever and talk nonsense with him, because I just felt so bloody comfortable being playful with him like that, but in the distance, I saw the whole gang had gathered back together and I was the only one missing. “Hey! Pip! You know what I realised the other day?” “Harry-” “Your mum and dad are called Phillip and Lisa, right?” “I need to-” “And you are Pippa and then there’s Liam.” He carried on. “How cool is that?” “What?” “Two P’s and two L’s!” It was literally my family, and I had never even realised that before. I rolled my eyes, but I had to laugh, because of course Harry would notice something like that. “What is your obsession with names?” I cried. “Just because your family is full of hilarious names and stuff!” I could tell he was smirking. “Look, idiot, I need to go!” I laughed. “I’ll talk to you soon, alright? Have fun at your Ibiza reunion.” “Obviously. I’m already on my second beer. Speak soon, Pip-Squeak.” “Bye.” I hung up quickly, shaking my head at my phone before I tucked it back into my bag and ran over to them, trying to shake the conversation out of my brain, even though I knew that later that night, my mind would run over every single mundane word he had muttered. + + + Zayn: I have about ten million films I need to make you watch when we get back. Me: Will I understand any of them? Zayn: If you don’t then I will gladly explain. They’re no more complicated than a woman kissing and becoming a frog. Me: That’s just logic. That’s why I’ve never kissed a frog. Zayn: That’s the only reason? Me: Pretty much. I love frogs. Zayn: I miss you loads. Less than a month to go! “Are you shagging Zayn?” Katie asked me mid chuckle. “God no!” I shrieked. “You should be!” Sophia added. “Have you seen him?” “If we’re just going off looks,” Katie began again. “Then I say go back to Louis. He is absolutely... wow.” A huge part of me really wanted to tell the girls about how I felt towards Harry. How obviously he was the most attractive one of the lot, and how wonderful and great he was, but something was holding me back. It was the perfect environment for it, really. We were having a girly sleepover, with enough chocolate to feed the five thousand, and they were two girls from home, who were basically impartial to the entire drama that surrounded me and Harry. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew if I told them, it would become even more of a thing. Every time I saw them, or every time we text, they would ask me about it. They would bring it up and quiz me on it and just remind me of my feelings. It would make it ten times harder for me to escape the way I felt, because I would have people reminding me of it. To me, it just seemed better to keep it to myself. “I just want to stay single.” I sighed. “I spoke to some random girl in the toilets of a bar the other month, and she told me about how she got trapped in a relationship and it ruined her time at uni. I don’t want that.” Even saying it out loud, my brain was just screaming, you’re a fucking liar. All I wanted was a bloody relationship. I kept daydreaming about getting back to uni and Harry turning around to me and just saying, lets fucking do it, let’s forget everything that’s holding us back and just be together. It seemed having space from him wasn’t doing me any favours at all, it was just making my imagination run wild. “I think,” Sophia spoke, shovelling M&M’s into her mouth. “When you find the right person, it just happens. Simple as that. I don’t plan on avoiding that just because I’m at uni.” “I totally disagree.” Katie spluttered. “No great novel, was ever about a couple who got together and lived the simple life. I want a fucking novel romance. That’s what I want.” “Any novel about my life would be so boring.” I laughed. “Maybe your novel hasn’t started yet.” Katie shrugged. I didn’t want to start thinking about my life like it was a novel, because I didn’t think I was a worthy protagonist for any kind of story. I went back into my own little world so I could text Zayn back, missing him like absolute crazy, but it was the 21st of June, and that meant the festival was just around the corner, and I would be back to being surrounded by him and all the people I adored from uni. Me: Miss you too! I’m so excited for the festival. Zayn: You’re gunna love it. It’s seriously the coolest place ever. Me: You gunna drive there since you’ve passed your test? Zayn: Yeah buddy! Shall I stay at yours the night before then we can go together? Me: That would be amaaaaaazing! Yessss lets do that! Zayn: Sound. What a plan. “I think you and Zayn are so cute!” Sophia smiled, throwing an M&M at me. “I’m not shagging him!” I cried. “No, I know! I think that’s why you’re cute. He’s literally gorgeous and wonderful and he’s just like, your best mate. That’s it. I think that’s so amazing.” “Turns out he’s gunna come here on the fourteenth. You guys wanna meet him?” They both started squealing about how excited they were to meet him. Katie was basically fanning herself in anticipation. Out of nowhere, I was beaming at the whole idea of me and Zayn. People who say boys and girls can’t be “just friends” are full of absolute shit. Zayn was gorgeous, and kind, and open and beautiful both inside and out. The two of us worked together so well, but I loved him like a brother. Our friendship, was one of the strongest, realest things I had ever experienced in my life. I really loved that about us. We settled into our girly night, and Katie decided we should spend our night having a Sex and the City marathon, which made me think of Tally immediately. I was missing everyone. We powered through the first season in what felt like about ten seconds, but kind of chatting over it and giggling and flapping around over the top of Carrie Bradshaw, and before I knew it, it was midnight, and I was getting a call from Harry Styles. My throat went tight, and I was glad my phone was on vibrate, because the girls didn’t hear it and question it. I stared at his name and the picture of us, the first picture we ever got together just the two of us, in his home town. And I ignored it. Don’t even ask me why. I had spoken with him the day before when I was at the zoo and everything was fine, but seeing his name then, made my stomach flip like crazy, and I just did not feel like speaking to him. My phone vibrated again. Harry: Im guna ring ahain and ypu better answer this time. I locked my phone and glanced between the two girls, who were far too preoccupied to notice how fidgety and off I was acting. “Umm,” I began. “I need to go and speak with Liam. I’ll be back in a minute.” They shrugged off my lie as I darted out of Katie’s bedroom, scuttling downstairs and darting out of the back door. It wasn’t quite as cold as I was expecting it to be, or as cold as I wanted it to be, because at least if the temperature was low that would be a good excuse for my shaking. I didn’t understand how one day I could answer the phone to him and be totally fine, and the next I felt like I was choking on my own admiration for him. My phone started vibrating again, and I answered as quickly as possible before I could convince myself not to. “Hey.” I breathed. “I’M DRUNK AND PRETENDING I’M IN IBIZAAAAA!” I closed my eyes and laughed down to the floor, the distant sound of a familiar song playing on his end of the line, my throat just getting tighter and tighter. “You having fun?” “So much fun, Pip. But Ed just started talking about you and I was like, uh, I haven’t spoke to Pippa in ages-” “I spoke to you yesterday.” “-so I thought I should ring you! Hello!” Drunk Harry was often endearing. He was completely different to Harry on drugs, so much so I could tell automatically that alcohol was the only thing in his system when he called me that night. It was definitely what I preferred. He was cute and happy, whereas when he was on drugs, he usually got into fights, and often had an aura of anger around him. “Hi, Harry.” I giggled. “Are you drunk?” “No. I’m doing a girly night with Katie and Sophia. No wine or anything. Just chocolate and TV.” “And pillow fights and practicing kissing?” He asked hopefully. “Unfortunately not.” I smiled. “Well, that’s okay. You don’t need any practice anyway.” Why did he have to say things like that? To Harry, it was just flirting. He was just teasing, winding me up, trying to get a rise out of me. But to me it was more than that. I felt like such an idiot every single time, and to him it was just normal. “Thanks.” That was the only thing I could manage to spit out. “I have an answer for you, Pip-Squeak.” Sometimes, it just hit me, how much him calling me by that nickname now made me smile, when it used to infuriate me. It had changed. We had changed. I wish I knew the exact moment it switched. I wish I knew the very first time blood rushed to my cheeks rather than my head. “I didn’t realise I had a question.” I choked. “I’ve never let you touch me.” “What?” “Y’know, when we’ve been like… doing the things with our hands. I mean... I never let you suck me off or anything.” Harry was many things, but he certainly wasn’t eloquent. Saying giving him a blow-job would have been bad enough in itself, but saying suck him off was an all new low. I was so baffled by his way with words, it took me a while to take in what he was actually saying. “Umm,” I fumbled over myself. “No. You-you’ve always been a giver.” “Wanna know why?” “I didn’t think there was a reason.” I gulped. “Well there is.” He huffed. “It’s a power thing.” Even hearing him say that, put me down a little bit. The thought of Harry being a giver was a lot nicer than it being down to some weird power issue he had. “I… Okay...” I rambled. “I have to have power. I think... Um… I think, especially when it comes to girls, because… I grew up with a woman who I had no power around. Then, after that, I grew up with two men. I guess I wasn’t even used to women. Not really.” My head was spinning. He was quiet for a short while, maybe waiting for me to say something, or even prompt him to continue, but I didn’t have the stamina. “And then, by the time I even started paying any interest in girls… I guess I had this kinda power over them… because they were swooning over me. They wanted me! Me! I went from having no power, to actually having it and I needed it. I needed that power, and I know it’s because it’s something I didn’t have when I was really young.” I felt like I was going to be sick. I knew Harry. I knew him very well, but it was a rarity that he opened up like that. Especially when it came to the topic of his biological mother. All of a sudden, hearing that it was about power didn’t seem like such a kick in the teeth. He was being painfully honest, about something I doubted he had spoken about before. He didn’t need to tell me either, I wasn’t asking him, I wasn’t bothering him. He was choosing to open up to me. “That makes sense.” I whispered after a while. “And I know you probably think I’m talking shit, because I shag girls and stuff, but… with you it’s different. Those girls… They don’t mean anything to me. But... But you do. I feel like… if I let you be that fucking intimate with me I would... lose that power. It’s fine when I have control over you, and control over your body, but... I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.” My stomach was churning. I couldn’t even take in what he was saying to me, what it meant, but for some reason I felt guilty. “I don’t want you to feel powerless.” My bottom lip was shaking. “Fuck… I’m not even sure that’s what scares me, Pip.” He spoke. “Sometimes I think that I... I would feel… so fucking powerful if I was with you.” I think I knew what Harry meant more than he did. He would feel a loss of power. That would be giving me a piece of him. He was admitting that, between the two of us, it wouldn’t just be some careless act. That scared him; that threatened his power, which was something he had built up alongside his confidence that had grown from nothing over the years. But for the same reasons, for the fact that it wouldn’t be something so frivolous between us, would be the same thing that made him powerful. To share in that act, and actually have it mean something to him, for the first time in his life. I knew at that point, too. If me and Harry were ever going to take that step we had avoided, and sleep with one another, it would be the least casual thing. It would be intense and gut wrenching. It was a paradox. It would make him feel powerful at the same time as being powerless. “I’m sorry.” He laughed after my long silence, then sighed heavily. “I’m talking complete shit. I’m sorry, I’m so fucked, Pip-Squeak. I’m wasted. I’m sorry.” “Yeah.” I mumbled. “Um, I better go. I need to… get back. Ed just appeared in the doorway and tapped his imaginary watch. He thinks I speak about you too much. Little shit. Alright, I’ll probably text you tomorrow about how rough I am.” “Okay.” I shuddered. “Have fuuuuuun. Bye, Pippy. Bye.” I would usually reply by saying a million goodbyes myself, never really sure which goodbye should be my last, but I didn’t say a word, I just put the phone down. And for some reason, I cried.
