Summary: Connor's always saying that something's wrong with him. Nine times out of ten, I think it's just 'cause he wants a day off school.
Warnings: Implications of child abuse but none detailed or directly mentioned.
Thank you to Jude for making my banner.
"Connor, your dad's gone to his meeting. Can I come in, love?"
Laura waited for a response, pushing down the urge to let herself in when Connor didn't reply. Steve had a lot of anger issues, the shouting and the violence overwhelming at times, but he was trying to better himself. He was putting the effort in to keep her, and that meant it was time she put the effort in to be a proper mum to Connor. It wasn't Connor's fault Chrissie had abandoned him, he was only six at the time, but sometimes, when they talked about her, Laura could swear it was guilt that sparked the boy's outbursts.
Connor's anger was part of what prompted Steve to go to the meetings. They could say it was for Laura's sake until the cows came home, but deep down they both knew they were working on their relationship to give Connor something stable. She'd made a vow to herself that part of that stability would be listening more, doing away with the dismissals and the mislaid blame so that he wouldn't feel the need to lash out just to be heard.
It had been happening for months, Connor's loss of control and his violent outbursts. He never seemed to have a reason for it, just shrugging his shoulders whenever the consequences caught up to him and shrinking deeper into his shell. Not even a half-arsed excuse. The school wanted to wipe their hands of him, like he was nothing more than a troublemaker. Laura couldn't accept that. Steve's meetings were near a library, so three weeks into the anger management course she took it upon herself to do her own research, and now she was ready, armed with drinks and biscuits, and the hope that maybe Connor meant it when he'd called her 'Mum' and begged her to stay.
This time the conversation had to be on his terms, so she called out again. "Connor, please. I want to talk to you. It's important."
The door opened and Connor looked up at her with those sad, guarded eyes. Laura would've given anything to see them shine with happiness for a change. She could remember the last time she'd seen him truly carefree. It was two months into her relationship with Steve and they'd gone out for the day, just her and Connor, to the Sea Life centre. His dad had met them for dinner and she'd watched as a comment about not scaring her off deflated Connor immediately. Their conversation with the doctor echoed in the back of her mind.
Is it worse when you feel threatened? When people put you under pressure?
Yeah.
"What?"
"Just thought we could sit down. Can I come in? I made you a cuppa. Well. I made me a cuppa, I made you a hot chocolate. With actual milk." Laura smiled hopefully.
"And marshmallows?"
"And marshmallows."
"Are you gonna make me clean my room?"
Laura laughed, the sound fragile where it should have been comforting. "No, love. I'm not going to make you clean your room. I just want to talk."
"Alright, I guess." Connor took his chocolate and sat on his bed, feeling the warmth of the cup between his hands but not daring to drink yet.
Laura turned the chair at his desk around to sit down, facing him without invading his personal space.
"What do you want then?" Connor appeared impatient, obviously anticipating a telling off, though she couldn't say what he thought he'd done wrong.
"Do you still think you've got asthma?" The question took him off guard.
"Thought you said I was faking it." Connor huffed, shoulders like hackles.
"I know." Laura put her cup down on the desk behind her. "I know what I said, and I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry."
Connor shook his head, "Where is this coming from?"
"I'm supposed to be your mum, aren't I? Mums listen. So talk to me. Why do you think you have asthma? What does it feel like?"
Connor drank some of his chocolate and sat back, either thinking over her words or unable to speak, Laura wasn't sure. She didn't push him this time. The book told her that had been her mistake before, trying to force the words out of him before he was ready, making him feel like he couldn't confide in her. It still felt like an eternity until he mumbled, "Feels like I can't breathe. Feels like… like I'm gonna be sick and my head starts bangin'."
Something twisted in her stomach. When she'd read about anxiety and panic attacks, and the symptoms that came with them, she hoped she was mistaken. Connor was suffering and she'd disregarded him, just like everyone else had. "Oh love… when does this happen?"
Connor shrugged, shutting down the way he always had when the conversation got uncomfortable. Laura could see the tears coming before they fell. She reached across the space to take his cup, setting it aside so she could move to the bed and draw him into a hug. "It's okay. I've got you, sweetheart. I'm here."
"When Dad shouts. When I mess up at school. Stupid stuff." Connor wrapped his arms around her waist and curled up as tight as he could.
Laura rubbed his trembling back. "It's not stupid, Connor. It's okay to be scared."
"'M not scared."
"It's not asthma, love. It's anxiety. And I am so sorry, Connor. It's not your fault, it's ours."
"What's that mean?"
"It means your dad and I don't always make you feel safe. It means you're scared when your dad gets angry, and maybe you're still scared of what happens if I leave."
"I'm not scared of you and Dad." Connor pulled away, rubbing at his face with his sleeves.
"I'm not saying you are. I'm not scared of Steve, but his anger still frightens me." Laura kept her hand on his back, leaving the opening there if he wanted another hug, and choosing to share her burden if only to show Connor that she was listening; that she cared. "Anxiety isn't something to be ashamed of. Loads of people have panic attacks."
"So I don't need an inhaler?"
"No, but… I think we do need to go back to the doctor. There's people we can talk to. Bit like your dad's anger management, but it'll be about what's upsetting you, and about keeping calm, and you can say whatever you want to and nobody will ignore you or tell you off for it."
"And Dad won't get angry?"
"If he does, he'll have to deal with me. You don't need an inhaler but you're still not well. He can't get cross at you for seeing a doctor." Laura wiped away a tear that he'd missed. "I'm not ignoring you anymore, Connor. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm listening, because I love you."
"Mum." She couldn't bear the pain in that whine. Laura pulled him back into her arms, holding back her own tears as he shook.
"It's gonna be okay, love. I promise." She kissed the top of his head. "Everything is going to be okay."
This black and green spencer is worn on Danielle Henry as Lydia Bennett in Doctors: Austenland: Part One (2013) and many years later worn on Anna Fenton-Garvey as Charlotte Lucas in The Other Bennet Sister (2026)
Doctors was a daytime soap from the BBC. It was a great starting point for lots of actors including Nicola, Luke and Claudia. Here’s a link to Nicola’s episode from 2012 where she played a pregnant 14 year old runaway.
