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Jun 28, 2021

Only for the brave [wolfstar]

Sirius Black x Remus Lupin

Word count: 4.8K

A/N: Never be afraid to be who you are. We can all question ourselves at some point in our lives and it's okay not to be what others expect of you. You just be happy. 🏳️‍🌈❤

Sirius let out a ragged sigh.

Finally he had accepted what he knew was happening to him for a few months, that which was growing so gradually in his heart as to notice it.

Reflecting on the matter a bit, he thought that perhaps it had started that summer day when they returned to Hogwarts after the holidays and his heart raced when he saw a boy who looked completely different climb into the train compartment with him.

Remus Lupin had grown his brown hair, almost blonde, and it covered a small section of his forehead making him look completely adorable. He'd put on a bit of weight due to the muscles hiding under his knitted sweater, his skin was a little more tanned and there were a few new scars on his body. He even seemed to have gotten more freckles and Sirius called himself crazy, noticing that even his lips were redder and more swollen than usual.

"Hello Siri!" he had said, greeting him with joy. Sirius remembered perfectly the way the boy bent down to hug him and dropped down next to him, still smiling. He also remembered feeling like a complete fool for staring at his friend for a few seconds.

That day in the middle of the trip, when all the marauders were already seated in the same compartment, the woman with the candy cart visited them and Sirius went out to buy several packages of chocolate frogs. He remembers the moment when he dropped everyone on Remus's lap only to see his bright smile and hear James's complaints to him for not buying him anything.

Or maybe it was that day that they both went to Hogsmeade and had to shelter from the rain under a very small space for just one of them. The way they were both laughing, their soaked torsos glued to each other, the way their hair clung to their faces and the minimal (and painful) distance between their mouths.

Sirius could barely breathe, enraptured by the beauty of his companion, and his mind would permeate the way Remus smiled at him, in that way that completely made his heart race.

He had fallen in love with many girls throughout his life, he knew how he felt. He knew that they blushed at his presence, that he just had to be charming and that a simple smile would be enough to make them nervous.

But now he was the one who felt that way. He had never been on the other side and that was why he was so surprised by the way he blushed when he was around Remus, the butterflies that began to grow in his stomach and also how he became a nervous wreck when the boy said anything to him.

And now he was completely terrified.

How was it possible that he had fallen in love with a boy?

He had never felt an attraction as strong as that and the worst thing is that he was a boy with whom he was in love. A male, a man, a person of the same gender.

And denying it was killing him.

Sometimes, before going to sleep, the images of Remus during the change of seasons would come to his memory. He suffered from allergies and because of that he hated how his nose turned red every time he wiped his nose, so many times that he ended up with a whole roll of toilet paper. But Sirius always found it adorable to see him hold back his sneeze and fail terribly in the attempt.

Other times he remembered the brunette studying in the common room. When he got there, unconsciously, he turned his head to one side and admired the boy passing his eyes through the endless pages of the books he read, surrounded by scrolls full of notes. It was a bit difficult for him to understand why he was reviewing them so much as if an answer that was not there the last time was going to appear in them, but that did not stop her from looking at him devoutly during his long study sessions, pretending to be studying his own notes.

There were many things he could not understand about Remus Lupin. He did not understand why he loved chocolate so much, nor his obsession with reading all the time, much less could he understand why he was so afraid of other people if whoever knew him loved him completely. But all those little things were what had ended up making Sirius fall in love.

He had fallen in love with the way Remus buttered his toast in the morning, the sound of his laughter, the sight of the boy sleeping in the common room covered in a blanket that Sirius had taken care of laying over him, and the way he that their shoulders would brush at times when they were sitting next to each other but that they both ignored just to feel a little closer.

And it wasn't his fault, he hadn't imagined falling in love with someone as wonderful as him. But there he was, lying on his bed with her heart racing with fear and tears gathering at the corner of his eyes.

"Sirius?" Remus asked, entering the room he shared with his three other friends.

The boy almost jumped up and looked at the cause of the tightness he felt in his chest. Dusk had already fallen on Hogwarts and Remus was holding a plate with a piece of the dessert that they had surely served for dinner.

"Remus" he called out affectionately, praying that he didn't notice the paleness of his face or his crystallized eyes.

"You didn't come down for dinner"

"I wasn't very hungry," he said. And it was true, but to his misfortune, the opposite already knew what Sirius's lack of appetite meant.

He was silent and advanced with calm steps to the bed of messy red sheets where he took a seat a few seconds later, under the watchful eye of his friend.

"I imagined it. I brought you dessert,” he murmured gently, extending the porcelain plate containing a piece of cake in her direction. Sirius put on a gentle smile and took it in his hand, brushing against Lupin's fingers for a few seconds.

"Moony, always worried that I won't starve" he joked as he bit into the dessert and gave a strangled groan "Is it delicious or am I just hungry?" he asked, enjoying another bite and glancing at Remus grinning.

"I think it could be both" he answered in a calm voice, leaning his weight against one of his hands. Sirius felt watched, but it didn't bother him at all.

He was educated almost like a prince, always careful of the etiquette protocols, but since he was with his friends he forgot those manners completely.

"I have to confess that now I regret not having come down to dinner," he sobbed, stroking his stomach with a pout that made Remus smile. Both of them were silent for a few seconds where Sirius did not dare to look at his companion.

"Are you okay?" he asked out of nowhere, moving a little closer to the animagus.

"Sure, why?" Sirius said a little nervous. Remus smiled and stretched out both arms to wrap them around the boy, contact that puzzled the brunette a bit.

"I don't know why you were sad, but I hope you feel better" he pronounced softly. Sirius held his breath trying not to cry, but it was useless and some treacherous tears spilled from his eyes wetting the other boy's shoulder.

“It's nothing, really. You just know that I'm a crybaby, sometimes I cry for anything" he said trying to downplay the matter, while he wiped the tears with the fist of his sleeve.

"Even if you are a crying puppy, we love you that way" he joked and that worked as Sirius gave a laugh.

The only thought that could run through his mind that Remus had said ‘we love you that way.’ He had said that he loved him, well actually he said that his friends loved him, but Sirius only cared that he had said that he loved him.

"Would you love me anyway?" he asked still in his arms. Sirius was a very affectionate person and was used to receiving physical contact, but he was very surprised that Remus had not complained. He dared to whisper again "I mean... whoever I am, would you love me?"

"It depends," Remus admitted. Sirius pulled away from him with a frown and looked at him scared, but received a warm smile. "Of course I would love you silly," he replied kindly. His hand traveled to Sirius's, who felt him suddenly gasp "Is that what you're worried about, Pads?" he questioned him.

Another thing Sirius loved about Remus was his big heart.

He always, always noticed when something was wrong and tried hard to help his friends get over it, most of the time it was Sirius that he had to take care of. And they liked it, it was a reciprocal relationship where both of them cared about the other and allowed themselves to be pampered.

So that was the worst, that Sirius was terribly afraid of ending that important bond in his life.

"No, no... it's nonsense, everything is fine" he murmured, pulling away and putting on his best smile.

He had to be strong and bury his feelings in a well where they could never come out.

"Are you still hungry?"

"A little. Why?"

“We can sneak into the kitchens. Elves are always friendly” he said smiling. Sirius put a hand on his chest and opened his mouth dramatically.

"Mr. Remus Lupin, are you suggesting that we break the rules?" he asked incredulously. Of the four marauders, Remus was always the least troublesome, the voice of reason within his chaotic minds. But he sometimes liked to do mischief just to please Sirius.

"Are you coming or not?" she asked rolling her eyes. Sirius bit his lip gently unconsciously and nodded, letting himself be carried away by the hand that Remus was still holding.

Nights with a full moon were always horrible, but that was definitely the winner of all.

The marauders had barely managed to contain Remus and were very tired. Luckily a few hours before dawn the moon was hidden and they were able to take the boy back to the castle, where Poppy Pomfrey was already waiting for them with enough ointments to spend the night.

Peter and James decided to go straight to sleep and tried to convince Sirius to do the same, but he flatly refused. He couldn't leave his friend alone, much less hurt this way.

That was why Sirius was sitting on the side of the bed on an uncomfortable old chair, holding a book in his hands. As he read his words his mind wandered about other things, thinking back to the subject of his "something" with the boy he had next to him.

It was night and a weak candle was pretending to light up the room, but he didn't care. He watched the brunette's hand resting beside him, covered in bandages and salves, and wondered how much it would bother her if he took it against his own hand in an attempt to make sure everything was okay.

He slid his fingers across the sheet, as if he was about to steal candy, but held the air when he saw Remus's hand move and at the same time groan.

"Stay lying down," Sirius murmured softly, as he stood up and reached for some water for the boy. "How are you feeling?"

"Fatal" he said sincerely, while he raised his head and Sirius tilted the glass so that he could drink "Why are you here?"

"What is my purpose here in the world or what am I doing here precisely?" he asked with a charming smile.

"Why are you here and not sleeping with the others like you are supposed to be" he answered seriously. Sirius loved when Remus got angry (not seriously angry, just annoyed), as in his opinion it was a very cute thing to watch.

"Easy, my Moony. I'm not sleepy and I didn't want to leave you alone either, so I brought one of your books to pass the time."

"Book? You reading a book? "

"Hey!" he claimed him in a whisper. Remus could barely open his eyes because of his still open wounds "I like those things too, even if it doesn't seem like it," he muttered wounded, lifting his chin in pride. He did not receive a response until a few moments later.

"Anyway, you should go" he heard and gave up his little tantrum to look at Remus with a frown.

"Do you want me to go?"

"I don't want you to stay awake because of me"

"Then you want me to go"

"Sirius, it's not that," he said, a little shaky. Sirius sensed that and didn't like it "It's just that… I'm ashamed that you have to stay here for me"

"Why are you ashamed? I do it because I want to be here. With you"

"I'm a monster," he muttered out of nowhere. His words were laden with pain and guilt. Still with his blurry vision, she could see the scratch with dried blood that was on the right side of Sirius's neck.

Black didn't let a second pass for his answer.

"You are not" he whispered hastily, at the same time that he took his hand "never call yourself that. You are not a monster, you are my friend "

"Sometimes I feel so useless" he admitted, without looking at his friend "As if it was only a burden to you"

"It is not like this," Sirius insisted. With his free hand, he cupped Remus's cheek and forced him to look at him. When their eyes met they both blushed and thanked that the dim light did not allow them to notice “You are perfect, never tell me again that you are a burden. I love yo… we love you. We love you just like that and if I am here it is of my own free will, because I care about your well-being” he murmured to reassure him. Remus observed him looking for any trace of lies, but since he always did not find it “You said you would love me whoever I was, remember? I think we can both say that” he exclaimed with a smirk, feeling the soft touch of Remus's thumb on his skin.

"Thank you Sirius" he whispered, holding back his tears. Sirius shrugged and smiled at her some more.

“Now it is you who must sleep. I will not go, but you have to recover "

"Sleep with me"

"I'll do that"

"No, I mean ... sleep here, in bed with me," he suggested. Sirius felt him turn pale "The chair must be very uncomfortable and there is enough room for both of us."

"You're sure?" he asked fearfully. He many times he had lain on the beds in his room with his friends, but that was something more intimate.

And it terrified him again.

"Of course," he said convinced as he moved to the side. Sirius climbed onto the bed and flopped down next to Remus, feeling his entire body tense as stone "Good night Siri"

"Good night" he replied trying to hide his nerves. Remus moved a few more inches in the direction of his friend until his bodies were comfortably close to him and Sirius demanded to relax.

He enjoyed the warmth that the boy offered him and leaning a little more in his direction he could breathe in his scent. When he finally closed his eyes it did not take long for him to fall asleep, lulled to sleep by Remus's breathing and leaning against his shoulder.

Days passed and that night they had shared the bed was not discussed, but Sirius could still remember the feel of Remus's body tucking into his and his long hair stinging his chin. And he was touched to know that even though Remus was taller than him, he was seeking comfort in his arms.

Sirius continued to think hard about that night, blushing every time he remembered him, and tried to make his life as normal as possible.

But it was very difficult with Remus around.

They were both tucked into Sirius's bed, covered by the red canopy curtains, while laughing and eating so much candy they were sure they would end up throwing up.

"Hey, I was thinking and... I never thanked you for what you did for me."

"Do what?" he asked curiously, putting his own treats aside.

“For staying with me that time. The full moon” he exclaimed. Sirius put on a smile.

"You don't have to thank me, I like being with you" he murmured sincerely. Still smiling from him she flopped onto the bed, his long strands of hair spreading all over the mattress. He reached for a licorice wand and they were silent for a few minutes. Sirius was amused by looking at the decorations on the ceiling of his bed when he felt the urge to look at Remus. He was still sitting in the lotus flower, reading the food labels on the empty candy packages "Do you always have to be reading something?" he asked in amusement and Remus rolled his eyes as he set the wrap aside.

"I can't help it"

"I didn't say it was a bad thing," he said turning on his axis and ending up with his chest resting on the bed, leaning on his forearms to watch Remus. It was already dark and neither of them seemed to want to sleep "I like it, actually. It makes you look intellectual."

"Does reading even the toothpaste label make me look intellectual?" he asked raising an eyebrow. Sirius put on a loving smile and nodded.

He liked being in the company of the werewolf, who already had some of his wounds almost healed. Noticing that Sirius reached into the drawer of his nightstand and took out an ointment that he had taken from the infirmary, then he walked back to Remus, and facing each other he took out some.

"May I?" he asked politely and Remus nodded. Sirius began to run his fingers through the freckled skin of his friend with great care and when he finished he noticed that they were very close to him again. His heart was racing, almost leaking out of his chest, and he feared that if he didn't talk to Remus he wouldn't be able to keep having those kinds of intimate moments. But it was that same fear that forced him to move away from him, admiring what he had just put on his face. "I could be an excellent nurse," he said proudly, making him laugh.

"You'd end up confusing the patients' meds or riding wheelchairs down the hallways," he muttered convinced, causing Sirius to laugh.

"Maybe" he replied looking at him. He was very handsome, still with all those scars and wounds he looked like an angel descended from heaven. And not only did he look like an angel, he actually behaved like one.

"We must sleep or tomorrow we will not be able to get up for classes" he warned him gently and Sirius complained "No complaints, go to sleep now" he murmured, and shortly before leaving the bed he ruffled her hair and slid his hand down the side of her face, leaving a quick caress that made the opposite blush "Rest"

"Good night," he stuttered, watching the boy cross the curtains and then heard him walk to his own bed.

He still with his heart racing he lay back and tried to sleep.

If Sirius thought being around Remus was difficult, he was wrong. Being away from him was even worse.

Just like when his crush emerged, he also didn't understand at what point Remus had started to drift away from him, as if overnight whatever was between them had vanished into the autumn wind.

I mean, they had never stopped seeing each other, but it felt… different. Maybe it was all Sirius's imagination, but he didn't feel like Remus was paying the same attention to him as before.

Soon his mind was already creating thousands of possibilities for the distance that his friend had imposed between them... Had he realized his crush with him?

No, it was impossible. He hadn't told anyone, the secret existed only in his mind, no way Remus could have known. What if he had told him while drunk? No, it couldn't be. He had been sober for a long time and still, he would remember it perfectly.

What had he done wrong? Think, Sirius, think.

"Sirius" called a voice, but now it came from outside. It was his best friend James, who was watching him from the chair in front of him. They were in Hogsmeade, it was the weekend and he had decided to join James for butterbeers, but now he was completely ignoring him "Are you listening to me?"

"Yes," he said quickly. But from James's face he knew that he didn't believe him one bit. The brunette demanded himself not to think about it anymore and tried to continue the conversation with the boy with glasses in the best way. He was sick of the tightness in his chest, of constantly wondering why he felt and now he too had to go through everything he had done lately to find the reason for Remus's rejection.

His head ached from having so many things on his mind during the day and as if that were not enough at night these thoughts attacked him between dreams.

He felt so different, like an abnormal, like a freak.

When leaving The Three Broomsticks James told him that he had to look for Lily and asked if they could see each other until he returned to school. Sirius was internally grateful that his friend had another engagement so that he was free to roam the town with only his thoughts.

He walked the streets, hearing some leaves rustling under his feet making it clear that winter was near and feeling the wind move his two-colored scarf.

He finally stopped on the path that led to the screaming house, pondering whether it would be convenient to get there and go straight to Hogwarts so that he could take a bath and get some sleep. He spent a few minutes resting on a log that the students used as a chair, while playing random spell casting with his wand, and without him noticing someone else had arrived there. The stranger, realizing that the place was occupied, tried to walk back unseen, but unfortunately he stepped on a dry branch and the creaking caught Sirius's attention.

"Hello," he said quickly. It was Remus who was there.

"I did not know you were busy, I was leaving," he said embarrassed, looking to go back where he had come. But Sirius didn't think twice and almost leaped closer to stop him by grabbing his wrist.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked him directly. Because he had found that uncertainty hurt him more than any other feeling.

"What?"

"Did I do something wrong?" he insisted. He wanted to fix that, to know if Remus had magically found out about his secret and to be able to give him an explanation.

"What are you talking about, Sirius?" he asked confused. He didn't seem to be pretending.

The boy felt foolish from one moment to the next and released Remus's wrist. He had every right to get away from him and he was no one to stop him.

“Nothing, I just thought you were mad at me. That's all,” he said, trying to be as serene as possible. "If you want you can stay here, I was leaving" he lied, with a little sadness creeping into his voice.

He started walking with the intention of leaving, but now it was Remus who stopped him. He stepped in front of him and Sirius had to lift his head a little to look into his eyes.

"Stay. There is enough space for both of us” he asked in a low voice as if it were a secret. Sirius hesitated, but when Remus's hand took his and guided him back to his old seat he didn't complain.

He thought that the contact would be lost when they got there, but Remus continued to hold it while they both remained silent. Surprisingly it was not uncomfortable, nor strange but everything to the contrary. Sirius was comforted by feeling his friend so close after those painful days.

"Moony," he said to get his attention. He adored that nickname almost as much as the owner of it. Remus turned in his direction to show that he was listening. But Sirius couldn't say anything else. He froze in his place, forgetting even his name because of the green eyes that were in front of him.

They looked at each other for a few seconds, as if they wanted to say what words cannot, and then Sirius made the huge mistake of diverting his gaze to the other's lips. It was barely a fraction of a second, a millimeter movement that gave away everything he felt.

He wanted to look away from him when he realized that, but it was impossible due to a pair of hands holding his face and lips briefly stamping against his.

And then the world seemed to vanish, everything around him seemed unreal because that simple brush of fur had made everything inside him explode.

"Why did you do that?" he asked. More than a claim, he sounded fearful.

"Are you angry?"

"Not. I'm confused, why did you do it? " he insisted. Remus gave a half-smile.

"It's what you do to show that you like someone, right?"

"Why you like me?" he asked, again with that expression of fear planted on his face.

Why? It was the only question that had been on his mind for a few months. Why? It was something that could be applied to any situation.

"Why wouldn't I like you?" he said, stroking his cheek with his thumb “I thought I saw some signs these last few days and… well, I wanted to take the first step. Sorry if I misunderstood "

"Don't you think this is... bad or incorrect?" he questioned him again. And it was not he who spoke, but the voice of his family that was still inside him.

Remus smiled at him, tender and kind, while he continued with the gentle caresses.

"Why would love be bad?"

Sirius was puzzled. Remus seemed to understand the world so easily that suddenly understanding his inner doubts seemed easy too. Everything he had been denied these past months, his sleepless nights, all his fears. All that worry about breaking such an important friendship and Remus was there in front of him giving him that simple explanation.

"And?"

"And what?" he asked, still with the same calm.

"You are…?" he began to say, not daring to finish the sentence.

“I don't want to put a label on myself, Sirius. I'm still figuring out who I am and where I want to go in my life, but for now, I just know that I'm in love with you and that's all that would have to matter,” he explained. I'm in love with you rang through Sirius's head "And it's okay if you don't feel that way, I just wanted to..."

"I feel the same too," he said almost instantly, fearing the opportunity would slip from his grasp. In the end he didn't have to give any justification or question more about who he really was. Remus had just said it, a label was not necessary "I have felt it for a while"

"I noticed"

"I did my best to hide it," he said a little embarrassed. Remus looked at him with furrowed brows.

"And why?"

"I was afraid"

"Afraid of me?"

"Afraid of losing you. That you didn't feel the same. To be different from the others” he explained, still with his gaze lost in those beautiful green eyes.

Remus finally removed his hands from his face and now intertwined his fingers with those of the opposite, trying to be able to tell him with that gesture how much he had waited for that moment.

“It's okay to be different. The world belongs to those who dare to show off their peculiarities with pride” he replied and with those words, all Sirius's concerns were finally buried.

Fuck the world, fuck what his parents think of him and everyone else.

The only important thing was that he loved Remus and Remus loved him.

"Would you kiss me again?" he asked softly, a blush covering his pale face. Remus laughed and pulled him on the back of his neck to now give him a proper kiss, making Sirius feel more in love than he ever felt in his life.

And from that moment on, he was never afraid again.

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