#bearintraining

[thoughtsoftylerdurden]

8 months or so on t. I am starting to really love who I am seeing in the mirror.

[zbob8672]

Me

[thoughtsoftylerdurden]

5 months and a week or so on t! Another week I have survived...

[thoughtsoftylerdurden]

1st photo somewhere under 1 month on t

2nd photo somewhere at 4 months on t

3rd photo 5 months on

[thoughtsoftylerdurden]

Things are improving

Over the last couple months, my emotions finally feel like they are dying down and are no longer up and down for my shots. I have been having a new face in my confidence in myself and my endeavors. Life is not perfect but I am starting to no longer hate myself so so much all the time. I have been having better dysphoria experiences too! Trust your process and accept that you are growing!

I think that is all for now.

[thoughtsoftylerdurden]

A post of many still to come

Over the last few days I have been experiencing some of the worst bottom dysphoria I have had in years. I honestly don’t know what started it but I know it’s linked to my dosage in t, the stress going on in my life, and the fact that I have recently discovered what my next big move is. I have been wanting phallo since I was 15 years old and I am 21 now and the only thing I have done for my transition so far is getting on hrt. Hrt is great but most of my dysphoria is bottom dysphoria so lately I’ve just been kinda realizing that with all this new bottom dysphoria I have on t that it’s going to be like this for awhile.

A lot of people says their bottom dyspnoria starts after top surgery and I can’t imagine my dysphoria being too much worse than it is now and top surgery is not something I will be getting tomorrow unfortunately.

I just want to feel whole and I am exhausted of having to play the game and wait for society to allow me to get the surgeries I need to survive. Because of my parents and they my choice of joining the navy I have had to wait almost 7 years to just get on hormones. How long am I gonna have to wait to get phallo? A surgery that is full of complications, a surgery that is nowhere where I need it to be, a surgery that there is a huge chance that I will come out with worse than what I am equipped with now, a surgery that if it goes well it is so much better than using a prosthetic, but it’s still a surgery just the same. And it’s hard having so much weight on my shoulders and mind for believing in this surgery so much.

I have been experiencing suicidal thoughts over my bottom dysphoria over the last couple days and that is not something I’ve faced since high school. I have realized that for the last couple years I have internalized my bottom dysphoria so much that it will just force its way out of me making me blow up and become super overwhelmed with everything. I am working now to stop doing this, but it is a hard habit to break. Considering the fact that being open about my kryptonite is just so scary for me because of how sensitive I am over the subject. I don’t wanna lose people over my problems, but I need to realize those people are in my life because they love me and they won’t be able to know what’s going on if I don’t open up about it. I am realizing my husband doesn’t really know my bottom dysphoria at all and that is all my own fault for internalizing it this whole time.

I am still shoveling through my mind during all of this because of how fuzzy it feels due to my wrong dosage on t. But I’m hoping by typing pieces of it out when I can a path to happiness and peace will soon appear before me. I am so ready to take that path and I am so ready to conquer my bottom dysphoria!!

Another thing that I have recently realized is don’t be too hard on yourself about not understanding your dysphoria. Feelings are feelings and sometimes they just don’t have much reason or even make much sense, despite this though they are still 100% valid! Just something I am still learning and wanted to pass on before I hear back into work!

[emovikingbear]

3 months on t!