#beccatalks

[crrim]

yesterday afternoon I was in the car talking with my mom, and she said to me, “you’re better off living with the demons you do know than you are living with the demons that you don’t know.” and that really struck a cord with me.

[seawinggs]

I'm so glad this has gotten better. I can think about you and not sob. I saw you without getting torn up. We're talking like we did. Things are okay. I still miss you, but that's okay.

[seawinggs]

Ended last year with so many of my favorite people, started this year making bad decisions. Nailed it.

[seawinggs]

Tonight is one of those nights where I can't stop thinking about you

[seawinggs]

No, okay. Just no. You did this. Now let me explain. If you would have messaged me some "I miss you!" bullshit a month ago my ass would have been like, "oh, I miss you, too!" But not anymore and this is why. Because I can't go over to your house without your girlfriend and you fighting, which, what the fuck. If she's that insecure that she's gonna pick a fight with you and give me the stink eye when I show up, then why the fuck would either of us want to be subjected to that? Also, I got a text from a mutual friend who said that YOU were asking about me. It had been MONTHS since you had even contacted me, but you "missed" me so you had her contact me? One of us is doing this friendship wrong if that's how it works. Anyway, so yeah, I go to your house to hang out. No problem. I pull up and you and your gf are the only ones outside. I get out of my car and jokingly say, "I heard my presence was requested?" You replied, "uh nope." In which I thought you were joking back. I WAS WRONG. In the three hours I spent there you spent maybe a total of 45 minutes talking to me, give or take. I ask our mutual friend if you really did ask about me because I was having my doubts and she said, "yeah! of course, his gf wasn't out here when he did" and at that point I was done. Finished. I got up and left. I have done nothing in these past three years but sacrifice for you. I have been the best friend you could even wish for and I lost people over you. Thanlfully, those people forgave me and now the very best friend I've ever had is back on my life. But I left thst night because it finally hot me thst I deserved better. I have way more value then to be strung along by this "friendship". And then tonight, commenting on my status like you did? "Duh you stupid bitch!", "FUCK BECCA", what kind of friend does that? I know you were kidding, but I'm not just someone who you can talk to like that. Not anymore. I'm not that girl that's going to take what you throw at me anymore because I've FINALLY realized that I am so much better than that. And then when I messaged you and said something about it your response was, "I miss you!" Sorry, bud, but I'm not falling for that line anymore. You can miss me all you want, please miss me, I don't care. Maybe you'll realize that I'm not gonna take that anymore. Besides, you only miss me if you're drinking.

[seawinggs]

She is angry. She is angry at the way her hair doesn't curl right. She is angry at the way it looks just wild enough, until it looks too wild. She is angry that her chin might be too pointy to be pretty. She is angry that her hair is too dark and isn't dark enough. She is angry at the way her name sounds staccato and sharp. She is angry at the way her body fills out the clothes a little too much. She is angry that her body doesn't work the way she wants it too and she isn't sure how to fix that. She is angry at the way her mind reels and she can't get it to stop, ever. She is angry at her father and for what he did. She's angry that he is sick and won't do anything to fix it. She is angry that he is so miserable. She's angry because her own father, her parent, can't even be trusted. She's angry because the man who raised her, didn't raise her well enough to know that she is enough. She's angry because she doesn't feel good enough or she is too good. She isn't enough or she is too much. She is angry because she doesn't know why boys treat her this way. She is angry at her mother for not understanding any of this. She's angry at her mother because emotions can't exist. She's angry at her mother for not letting her feelings be validated. She's angry at her mother for her excuses. She's angry at her mother for raising her to believe that love can make you weak. That love can make you vulnerable and that is never okay. She's angry at her mother for teaching her that you can't depend on anybody but yourself, because everyone else will only hurt you and that isn't acceptable. She is angry at the boy who was her friend until she wasn't useful anymore. If she's honest, that's all the boys. She is angry at the boy who was so nice to her, but only because that's just who he was. She is angry at the boy who would stay up until 3am talking to her on the phone until he got caught by his mother. She is angry at the boy who was her best friend, until he lied, and fell into love with someone else, and asked for her heartbroken blessing. She is angry at the boy who she had many adventures with, who stopped talking to her and she doesn't even know why. She is angry at the boy she finally loved because he loved her too. She is angry at him because of the way he said her name. Because of the way he talked to her. Because he of the way he held her. Because of the way, if he was sober, he wouldn't let his feelings show. She is so angry at him, because she isn't even sure he really loved her. She is angry at the way a little piece of her leaves with everyone who leaves her. She is angry at the way she is angry. She is angry and she is fierce. She is frustrated and furious. She is so angry and she is so scared of it, so she hides it. She's tired of hiding it but she's scared to be angry, because what if that fire eats her. What if it burns everyone around her. What if she sets the world on fire and she can't fix it. What if her anger is poision. She has so many worries, so she tucks her anger away and she smiles her smile. But she is angry and she doesn't know how to fix that. She. Is. Angry.

[seawinggs]

If you're going to love her do it right. Text her good morning and hello. Talk to her about everything. Kiss her randomly. Make her laugh. Make her laugh harder than her friends do. Be her best friend. Be best friends with her best friend. Hang out with them. Smile at their silliness. Let her be independent from you. Let her have her own life, her own ambitions, her own life, yet support her. Try to understand her babbling. Try to understand her ever changing moods. Understand her sensitivity and compassion. Tell her when she's wrong. When she says her religion is love learn to understand what that means.  Learn her, why she's dressing a certain way, acting a certain way, speaking a certain way. Why does she grit her teeth, why does she make that face, why does she make that weird noise sometimes? Understand that even though she looks confident and is strong, anxiety bubbles underneath the surface. Understand that she'll lie her way through fear. Understand that she has baggage and learn where it come from and why it came in hopes that you'll never make her feel that pain again. Tease her. Be silly with her. Make her break out of her serious spells. Make her worries and insecurities disappear. Never make her decisions seem silly though, she took a long time trying to make them. When she is excited about something, show sincere excitement too. Be not only her love but her partner in crime. Understand that the zodiac calendar is important to her. And your sign is important to her. Buy her silly gifts not expensive jewelry. Buy her food, french fries and tacos. Let her buy you pizza. Put up with her unbearable choices of music she'll make you listen to in the car. Extra points if you sing along with her. Tell her she's beautiful. Don't cringe when she tells you about her period. Offer to go to the store for pads, tampons, Pamprin, and chocolate. Don't point out the pimple on her chin and ignore the less lady-like things that might happen. Bring her medicine and soup when she's sick. Bring her the heating pad and fuzzy socks. Rub her back and feet. Wipe her tears and hug her. Let her cry, but never stop to make her crack a smile, even a small one. Make silly games with her. Scare competitions. Who can make the better home made birthday cake? Who can draw the better stick person? Who can make the better Play-Do creation? Teach her how to play your video games, even if she refuses. Never let her know you let her win. Agree with her about how she did win. Learn together. Teach her things she doesn't now much about, but interest you. Let her do the same for you. Explore your differences. Brag about her when you know she can overhear. Take pictures of her when she's not paying attention. And when she is. Greet her father as 'sir', her mother as 'ma'am', and the rest of her family warmly. Endure possible hugs and handshakes. Ask to see and hear about her childhood and show her your's. Learn to hug, because she loves it and needs it. She will crave your affection, but never admit it. Give her a cute nickname and a silly one. Hold her randomly. Hold her hand even though it sweats uncontrollably. Don't raise your voice or curse at her, it will bruise her soul and make her chest tighten.  Understand that love, sunshine, and nature speak to her soul and are important to her. Point out puppies that she hasn't caught sight of yet. Love her gently, yet strongly. Love her fearlessly. Let her trust you enough to show you everything she feels she can't show everyone else. Let her show you her fears, her scars, her bruises, bumps, cracks, and flaws. Let her feel comfortable enough around you to be ugly and angry and show you her less beautiful parts. See them and love her for being human. Do this. Understand her, learn her, and love her and you'll receive it all back tenfold. Do this and be blown away by how fiercely she loves you and how proudly she stands by you side through everything. Let her love you and love her in return

[sasukeshoe]

I actually had a good time today. I'm glad to have been w my bestie, I haven't talked to her in a while .💓🐰