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finished up my final stream tech shift at gdq! here's a short summary of how they went:

#getting to control the timer animations was SO FUN #the only issue was that a bunch of them were very specific and didn't come up often #or at all #but any donation read had a 50% chance to end in trans rights #and i was slamming that thang (almost) every time #beedq #agdq

somewhat of a followup to the previous post (edit: the one about being solitary, not the bird. thanks tumblr) - someone i met at gdq last january saw that i was attending again and messaged that they were excited to see me

we're all going to make it, ok?

#there's a part of me that wants to believe that all of the upheaval in the last year #my employer being bought out‚ the fear about my future in this industry #hell even the scare i had with kitty cat last week #are because i have been pushing myself to be happy and do the things i want to rather than Exist in life #that i was trying to rise above my station and should accept the (good) life i have #and that getting bounced from gdq the first time was the universe trying to tell me to stop #it's magical thinking but it is pervasive and it's won at times #but i keep pushing on #seeing “bee!!!!!!!!” in a chat message makes it all worth it #if i can make it you can too #and i believe in you!#beedq #(technically)

clothes: set out

alarm AND backup: set

melatonin: taken

mixtape: wound to SQUARE UP

nothing left to do but Send It

#if you lock in you can do Anything #once again i am relying on jamie paige to keep me going #counting down the seconds until the time of my life!#beedq

halfway through a post about how it feels like everyone here has been friends with everyone else for ten years and then there's me, the bug

and a guy sits down in the chair next to me and mentions that It Is A Lot and it's his first time here

#thank you strangers who talk to other people #it's not fun being the new person but it's better when there's someone else!#we're both from out of state and know how to ski. it counts #beedq #<- if you want to filter and/or look at em. i don't think i will be posting much #but i will post some amount

riding out the last emotional wave

iiiiii knew that i would get worried Right Up until the event started but. that doesn't stop the lizard brain from not trying to act on it so here i am in a dingy coffee shop in a city i do not know and all my base impulses are telling me to Run. where? dunno! just run! away!

i am no stranger to Do It Scared and i know it'll be fun! even waking up at 2 AM has this sort of Thrill to it! but Do It Scared can be hard to stick to when there's this everpresent concern of What If It Sucks. what if everyone already has their cliques and the work is awful and i end up spending all of this money (which i really shouldn't be doing!!) to be lonely and miserable in a new way away from home. But What If.

even the knowledge that i have friends coming here hasn't been very helpful because What If my stupid schedule that i agreed to because i want to be Helpful to a Fault means that i have to be sleeping when everyone is out having fun. hkffnfdkfv

I know this is good for me. I know the way to be more confident is doing things like this and I am Confident that they will, at the least, be Pleased with my volunteering performance. and i have signed up for a few Events so at the least my fear of being perceived will have to fight my fear of disappointing someone. it will be fun!

just wish i could get all of my brain to trust me on that!

#understand that this is the literal last minute but if you're going to be at gdq this week and would like to meet an bug #i will be there!#ok i gotta get back to the hotel though i am helping with setup #i am going to have fun even if i have to fight for every little fingerhold #beedq

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