(Pls tag as beepd) My partner has bpd. We've been together quite a while, and recently they've told me that I'll never be able to "handle" someone like them. That I don't understand them, I don't get "it". And that they need someone who's gonna
(beepd2) understand what they’re going thru. It feels like I’m being put on a time limit to understand them and I’m running out of time very quickly. I know they deserve better than someone who doesn’t understand completely. But I’ve been trying my
(Beepd3) my best to do right by them and give them everything they need. But I still don’t feel like I understand or know what to do when they start to split. We have really bad fights because of it. I don’t know what more to do to educate myself.
I've been on both sides of the situation: the one who wants to understand and the one who wants to be understood. I'm going to explain my experience with the latter.
It was frustrating to understand my ex in terms of helping them when they are anxious or when they were experiencing symptoms of bipolar. Usually, I am a patient person, and do the best that I can to help the other person who may be struggling. But even when I asked what triggers them, or what makes their symptoms worse, they weren't able to answer. And even when I pointed out that they were experiencing anxiety or bipolar symptoms, they would deny it. In this aspect, it was very frustrating; no matter what I did, it was never enough. I wanted to understand, but I also felt the time limit. And unfortunately for me, my time was up, and I also blew up in anger because I had lost my patience. I am one to be self aware of myself and my symptoms; if someone else is not able to do that, I can't help them.
On the flip side, bpd can be difficult to manage and have people understand without stigma- both internal and external. Sometimes I feel like I am a burden, or that I am too much to handle because of my bpd symptoms. And I need to note, that it is more frustrating to me than it is the other person; because I want to be loved, I want the other person to understand and be there for me. I want a healthy relationship that is going to last. This may be what your partner's perspective is- that they want you to understand so that 1) you don't leave and/or 2) you can be there for them regardless of their symptoms. And with number 1, right now they may be testing your limits; they may want to let you go so they don't get hurt in this relationship. It is just another bpd symptom that can make things difficult.
But there is hope; there are some things that can help. Most importantly, trying to understand your partner and your symptoms should be a task to accomplish together. Communicate about what their triggers might be, and what solutions can be helpful for different symptoms that come up. I know with my ex, I was doing most of the work in understanding, which frustrated me even more because I wanted to accomplish the understanding together. Another thing(if you haven't already), is finding information about bpd. Although I will warn you, a lot of resources are stigmatized and will suggest that the partner should leave the relationship because it won't work; obviously, this is not true. You can start with our helpful resources, as most of them do not have the stigma attached.
Lastly, let them know that you support them and want to be with them, no matter how difficult your partner may be. It sounds like you are genuine in wanting to be with this person, and expressing this(possibly constantly) when your partner says that they are "too much to handle", etc can give them stability. As well as the notion that you are there for them(of course, within limits. Abuse and anger directed at you should not be tolerated). For me, consistency and stability is what I want and need in a relationship. If I have an on and off relationship with someone, I tend to have increased symptoms of bpd because I'm not getting that. And this can happen even within the relationship; I have experienced this many times throughout the years.
There shouldn't be a time limit in understanding; learning is an experience and process that is continuing and never ending. That is how recovery works; I cannot just tell myself or someone else to read a book to fully understand, especially since people are different in terms of how they present themselves. But I also have to be part of the learning process, in that I have to work on myself every day to be a better person. I hope that's what your partner is striving for, and for you to support them through their process will help them.
Keep Strong and Keep Moving,
