#beethoughtful

[beethoughtful]

Journal entry #4 (My recent thoughts)

CW: mentions of SH

I think my second favourite part of the relapse is the after care. That gentle wipe, the cream, the plaster, the soothing of the dull ache of pain. It’s nice. To care. The gentle act presents itself as an apology yet the scar left behind represents the lack of forgiveness.

I’m feeling a bit better today. I don’t regret my relapse. I think that’s okay. I should allow myself to feel these things without thinking so much and leading myself down a self-deprecating spiral. I’m figuring everything out on my own for the first time ever so I’m going to make mistakes and I’m going to struggle. I still wish I had a little bit of help but I’m going to be ok and I’m going to survive this. Ups and down are natural but what’s important is that I don’t allow myself to stay down for too long.

[beethoughtful]

a person who breathes to be mutilated will never keep the stitches that hold them together.

-A

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“I am blooming from the wound where I once bled” -Rune Lazuli

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Journal entry #3: What is your biggest fear?

My biggest fear is never achieving the life I dream of in my head. I fear never getting my dream job, never completing my bachelors or getting my masters. I fear never experiencing true love.

I spend 90% of my time stuck in my own head imagining the life I want, picturing a future in which I’m happy and content that I forget now is the time where I have to work in order to achieve that goal. My biggest fear is not living. I want to travel, meet people and experience extraordinary things surrounded by happiness and love.

My biggest fear is dying regretting not living my life, dying living unhappy, dying not surrounded by love. I fear conforming to those around me and living for them, to please them and their views of my happiness. I want to be educated. I fear not being disgustingly educated and relying on others to think for me.

Who am I without my thoughts?

My biggest fear is losing myself and not living for me. Wasting my life trying to appeal to other people rather than doing what I want and creating my own happiness. I am my own person. I am unique. I refuse to abide by other people’s standards at the cost of myself.

My biggest fear is forgetting this and forgetting myself.

-A

[beethoughtful]

“But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever” - Haruki Murakami

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My current read right now is IT by Stephen king

I’ve seen the movies and it made me interested in the original book, I have only just started reading it and it may take me some time to finish due to the workload I have at university right now but so far it’s a very enjoyable read and I’m finding it much more interesting than the movies!!

-A

[beethoughtful]

Journal entry #2: What’s holding me back right now?

Myself. I am the only person/ thing that is holding me back right now. I am at war with myself in my own head. One side of me wants to heal, get better and earn the life I know I want. The life I yearn for.

The other side however wants to get worse. It wants to break and smash into a thousand broken pieces like a porcelain vase knocked from a stand. It craves the chaos, the manic, the sadness. I’ve learned to find unhealthy comfort within my pain. I won’t let myself heal and it is exhausting.

The life I so desperately want and need is right infront of me, I’m staring at it dead in the eye and I can practically touch it. I can feel it. It’s warm and inviting, the edges are soft and comforting but at the same time it’s a little scary which makes sense because change is always scary.

But I cannot reach it. This battle is all consuming and leeches onto my soul holding me back and continuing habits I am fully aware are dragging me into the ground and further away from the life I crave. The life I yearn for.

The only thing holding me back right now is myself and the only thing that can get past this is myself. I’m going to have to fight like there’s no tomorrow, because there might not be. Nothing is promised and that’s the beauty of right now… live the life you want because it’s you that has to live it.

No one else.

Just you.

-A

[beethoughtful]

Journal entry #1: How would my life change if I let go of fear?

The storm would settle and the sun would begin to peak through the clouds. Puddles would sparkle and shine before they dry and drains would finally get a rest from the constant water flow.

If I let go of my fear I would discover who I am. The fear that causes me to be someone I’m not, to please those around me, to perform. If my fear vanished freedom would bloom like a flower from the rain. I would finally be able to accept myself and be at peace with who I am.

If this wall crumbled and the bricks came tumbling down I would be able to grasp my life back and cradle it between my hands. I would be able to live the life I yearn for. If I let go of my fear I would finally be able to breathe.

The key words in this question are “if I let”. This is all up to me. In order to let go of my fear I have to take a leap of faith, I have to be strong, I have to learn to love myself. The life I live is up to me and tomorrow is never promised so why should I suffer in the little time I have and live in constant fear of nothing but myself.

-A