I am always running to catch up
And lord knows I hate running
Give me a way to be on a par that is measured and considered
And doesn’t involve me
Heaving my guts up
Just to feel alive
And worthy
I am doomed to always be the youngest
The one who is behind by design
To be alone, it seems, when everyone else has someone to gravitate to them
Alone in a room of family, in a room of arms around shoulders and lips on foreheads and implicit partnership
I am floating and falling and failing
Living the dream it has been said
Well, in a sense
But the dream of a man who cannot strive for what he really wants
The hollow dream of everything you can work for because reaching for the thing that would make your heart whole would shatter you if you jumped and missed
If you ran and you were too slow
If I leave this existence with no creative outlet, no imprints on the earth, no children left behind
Will it have been worth it?
I have a while to go before I can grab and hold all of those things I long for
I have to hope I can hang on til then
