not to be needy on main but it’s late at night and i can say this shit slyly:
today was actually really bad for me mentally. every day has been really bad, but today especially. i chewed my thumb ‘til it’s sore and down to that second layer of skin (i think? the really raw red sore part?), i scratched at my face and now a spot’s bleeding, and i’m struggling to fall back on little things to comfort me because i’m laughing at myself for even having to do it.
and now this news about liam neeson is just like.... what he admitted to is hideous. i had no emotional tie to the man, but his admission is awful. and on top of that, can’t i go.. one.. day... without seeing that word. can’t i go one day? can’t i? why can’t i go one day without having that word thrown in my face as a reminder as brutal as the act itself?
why the fuck is my life this shitty lmao why can’t i have anyone without the sound of my voice and reach of my hand to comfort me?
and i can’t even begin to imagine how a current favorite character (like a favorite person only not, y’know, horribly toxic) would comfort me because... idk. i have this block in my head sometimes, about being kind to myself, or giving myself comfort fantasies. i don’t see the point. which is strange, since, y’know, i’m a writer. that’s basically what i do. but i think there’s just this painfully intense yearning to experience it, and i don’t even know how to begin. i don’t know the first thing. there’s just so much standing in my way, and relying on daydreams just seems too sad.
plus it doesn’t help that i have this whole weird block in my head where i barely understand the concept of me having any worth, so why would a character i’m currently fixated on give a shit about that? i can’t see myself clearly, so how could anyone else?
