#being unreasonable

[the-ephemeral-ethereal]

The fatal errors of life are not due to man's being unreasonable. An unreasonable moment may be one's finest moment. They are due to man's being logical. There is a wide difference.

from De Profundis by Oscar Wilde 

[hidingoutbackstage]

not only is the dead wife a dead wife, she’s also a dead mother. see, women can be multifaceted characters :D

[azulca]

When is it okay to be unreasonable? 🤔

[5pac3-bvg]

> keep asking me to call and play games and bribe me with my favorite only to do that for 15 minutes and then drag me into watching you stream YouTube and Reddit for hours

> keep pestering to call when you know I'm busy because I fucking TOLD you

> agree to play a game with me only to open a completely different game the second you enter the call and NOT do the agreed upon activity

> ask me to call for like a week

> I say no, I'm busy, WiFi's out, migraine, ect.

> I open a game to unwind after stressing over a commission

> you send me a message saying "(mysteamusername) is playing (my favoritest game ever) 🤨"

> I explain that I'm really not feeling well and that I don't have energy to really think about anything other than my hyperfixation rn

> you beg to call anyways

[julystruck]

I am Experiencing emotions so please like. Ignore me for a bit

[callmetoaster]

if it was one of my usual empty bitter days that’d be great, for once. not this slap of reality in the face, calling me to death like the bottle of water calls the runner. fuck me and my useless metaphors, i want to die and that’s it. as usual.

what happened to the days when i was good at things, when i was the one who could write and speak and had the widest ideas of the world. if those days were even real. now i’m just a blur. i’m nothingness and i have no purpose or use. i’m effectively a waste of space and resources.

so you all went and made your lives. good. i’m glad for you. but i also never want to see you ever again. i wish goodbyes really were so. i’m best at leaving, so why do you insist on coming back and fucking up the one thing i can do better than you? i’m always saying i live on nostalgia but the issue here, the point i always avoid is, i’m not like that about my own life, i only mourn things i never had, everything that was indeed mine unavoidably felt far away and in fact not mine at all so it comes and goes from me without a trace.

i’m sorry. that you surely thought i’d follow i’d make a life too and we’d still be compatible people. but i realized i didn’t want any of that and i don’t half ass things so i didn’t go that way at all and now i don’t know how to explain to you that i’m not like you and everyone changes but i’m more like the me then that you are and we can never be well, we, again. we’re too different. i know i could’ve been those things, all of them. i believe anyone who really wants something can get it. i’m sorry that i didn’t want it and i worry that you didn’t either but you went for it partly because of me and now that i’m not there it’s like i’ve betrayed you. but i know it’s more like i’ve disappointed you. i know that. lost potential. that’s what my existence amounts to and even predicting it would end up like this i don’t think i could’ve changed it. like all the coincidences that made the universe and everything possible i just happen to be ultimately a waste of faith. 

everyone’s lived so much and has memories and regrets and that baggage any and all human-life references warn you of. and i have nothing. i’m like no one, alone and empty. you don’t have enough fingers to count drinks, lovers and unretrievable memories from nameless fuck-ups. i know all the flags of the world, all my pairs of socks by memory and my best conversations are by myself about death. would you have guessed all those years ago. probably. perhaps i’m the only one who deluded myself into thinking the future was promising. 

when i kill myself you’ll all say you understand, that with how my life was anyone would’ve given up. and i hate that idea with all my body. i want to stay alive just to spite that thought. i don’t want to die cause i think everything’s awful. i do think i deserve it but i don’t think it’s a favour to myself. there are many beautiful happy things, and even in the life i’ve led, as ‘’lifeless’’ as it could be called, there were amazing things to be grateful for. none of them are worth it though. i never lose sight of that. my main problem is, if i were by any turn of fate, not to die, i couldn’t live in the peril of talking to you again. if i’m gonna be alive i need to move away and have my pathetic existence in peace with no one else’s to measure against. my main problem is i’m always bitter about people not being as miserable as me. and of them being more rightfully miserable than i could ever be.

[callmetoaster]

when will i experience a single instant of happiness that is not immediately followed by an exhausting desire to die

[callmetoaster]

I’m so stressed...................i’m going on vacation with my family tomorrow, and we’re going to a hot, beach filled place I really miss swimming, but i probably won’t be able to do it ever again, cause of my scars.... i’ve come to terms with it but i’m so afraid of my mom pressuring me to do it, no matter how i think about it we’ll end up fighting.... like last time i know she’ll keep pushing for me to get in, and the worst worst thing would be for her to get suspicious or something, if she found out.... ahh i start to cry just thinking of how that’d go down.....  i just wish they’d respect my privacy without snide comments about my self esteem like it’s something that ruins their fun and i should just switch off to their liking.....