you know those days/nights where you can watch one of your favorite shows but also just somehow let your mind wander and end up thinking about the things you regret? the things you dislike, whether it be yourself or just stuff?
for me it is one of those days/nights. Not going to lie, i had an awesome day, the thing is the other day i let myself admit i openly disliked an attribute, i also tend to wear baggier shirts because well they are comfy....i also have large shoulders but mostly the baggy part of the shirts is what came into play. i was looking into new gym clothes the other day and when i was handing back the stuff i was not going to purchase i mentioned i had not particularly liked the fitted capris. i only just said it out of habit since i’m used to chatting with those i’m shopping with to exchange “this is why i dislike it but i like it in other ways”, i don’t do it for everyone but i just felt like it at that moment......
the problem with my saying that wasn’t that i felt i wanted pity, far from it, the problem was that i was open about it..i somehow felt confident enough to say what i thought to a total stranger. throughout my entire life i have heard from my late grandparents on my moms side all about weight, weight, weight, weight. i have had body image issues and also dealt with anorexia at one point, the way i thought about things changed drastically around the age of 10 when my parents divorced and i just decided i was done. had it not been for my therapist at the time (i scared off about 6 maybe?) that had dealt with me, i would probably have sunken deeper and deeper into that abyss i had not just slipped into, but slipped and smacked my head on the way down. bounce bounce bounce. i have never fully liked how i looked, when i was younger i experimented with makeup and always loved dark blue eyeshadow, eyeliner, oh and lets not forget the extremely bright red lipstick- i was a mini clown <3. i was the only girl in my class of all boys in 5th grade and in 7th grade(or possibly 6th grade....hmm) i began questioning my being a girl. infact i turned to one of my bestest of friends to this day and said without skipping a beat “someday im going to have surgery to become a boy” i also said i wanted to dye my hair black and ne ne ne i did so. the comment about wanting surgery sent my friends jaw skyrocketing down, for years i was quiet about it.
at this point you are probably annoyed and tired of reading this, thank you for continuing to read it is much appreciated.
FINALLY at long last we come to the whole reason i posted this. the comment made at target by the woman, a total stranger when i told her i disliked how i looked in the fitted capris was this “oh well *leans over the counter and looks me up and down* well you aren't that fat”..............some people would be shut down, shot down like a bird from the sky being hit by a slingshot. it hurt, it hurt really really badly because of my history dealing with weight and such. my response was “oh no, im absolutely fine, i love my body and weight. i enjoy excercising(screw it im not worried about the spelling anymore) because it’s fun”. the woman simply replied “ooh oooook” and then i left.
i am find with my weight but i know there are things about it and the shape of my body naturally i will dislike. we all have things we dislike, but my butt, i like my booty. i have a good booty XD
