The psychology behind “being used”
(a dominant perspective)
These are just my thoughts. My impressions. Based on experience and countless conversations. No claim to truth. Just an attempt to explain why some women crave being used like a toy, degraded, ruined, and left, especially in erotic context.
For many, these thoughts don’t start in the body. They start in the mind. They’re fantasies. Controlled stories. Safe ways to feel intensity, to give up control, to be seen in a raw, stripped way. “Use me” isn’t about worthlessness. It’s about choosing to surrender worth in a controlled setting. Giving someone the power to take, to use, to make you feel small, not because you are, but because it magnifies how deeply you trust them.
That’s what people often miss: most kinks live in the head. A rape kink doesn’t mean someone actually wants to be assaulted. A gangbang fantasy doesn’t mean they want five strangers in a room. Exhibitionism doesn’t mean they want to be watched for real. These are safe ways to explore power, risk, shame, control, without danger. The moment becomes real, but stays contained. Until it’s over. And then, most return to the safety of themselves. Questioning. Processing. Sometimes even cringing at what they asked for. That’s normal. We’ve all done something during sex we thought about later and felt a little embarrassed by. It’s part of growing, exploring, evolving. But that’s exactly why who you give these parts of yourself to matters so much. Because the wrong Dom, the selfish one, the one who doesn’t understand the weight of power, he won’t stay. He won’t check in. He’ll take your trust, act out the scene, and disappear. And when the shame hits after, when the crash comes, you’re alone with it. Feeling broken for what you asked for. Not because the kink was wrong, but because the person was.
That’s not dominance. That’s abuse dressed up in leather. A real Dom doesn’t just fuck a body, he holds a mind. He reads the signals you’re not even aware you’re giving. He remembers every boundary even when you’re in subspace. And most importantly, he brings you back. Every single time. Aftercare is not optional. It’s the seal that turns filth into trust, degradation into intimacy. It’s where the toy becomes the person again and knows she was never just a toy in the first place.
It’s okay to want to be used. But only by someone who knows how to put you back together. Always.
