An Open Letter to Bekha, My Love
Today I am very sad. It is much like other days, except I cried suddenly when you replied to me, and it was unlike how I usually cry.
High-pitched, and desperate, and almost too sudden. It ended very quickly, and meanwhile all the thoughts I had in my head were threatening to spill, but I didn't want to write them down, because sometimes my sorrow fills my bones and they feel like lead. But I pushed myself to do so, because if I don't, they'll float away and I'll forget them. Maybe I'll catch them, like the tail-end wisps of a cloud, but never really fully.
Now I stare quite apathetically at the screen, tear tracks still on my face.
I think I am getting sadder each day. I grow more confused- there is a retardation of sorts, because I don't know anything anymore and everything is out of my control. I get sad a lot for no reason at all and I'm incapable of doing anything- which is detrimental, since I need to get good A Levels.
I don't really know what to say beyond that. There was a long pause in which I stared at that last sentence of the previous paragraph, because it is the summation of how I started. My examinations have taken over my life: they have made me who I am today, neurotic and despondent and a million other adjectives I cannot recall now. Recently I've begun to think about how I might have been better if I was treated or allowed to voice my depression, but my mother ensured that wasn't possible.
So here I am now, sitting in the dark, and I can still feel the tears where they last dried at the corner of my eyes, if that makes sense. And sometimes I am so, so tired of everything, but you cheer me on, and you are the most wondrous ever. I have always looked up to you and I hope you never forget that. You have been my role model, my pillar of strength, and I am so glad I have you.
