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chameron are a pairing made out of inarguably the two most flawed characters we meet in the movie, while anderperry are the near golden child’s

#belated realisation #this says a lot about chameron shippers #more so than it does anderperry #chameron #anderperry #dps #dead poets society

Belated Realisations

Over the last year or so I've been feeling this building grief guilt over 'belated realisations'. At the moment I can't recall if I've talked about the realisations much prior, but I feel like with every passing chunk of time it just becomes stronger. As reality sinks in more, the way things are, the way I feel about certain things, the way I feel after experiencing grief several times, I become more aware of how Mum must have felt in the days/weeks/months/year or so before her death. It's like I've unlocked a belated empathy towards her. I know she had good days despite all this, and I know she laughed a lot despite all this. But, despite all that, my memories of her are consumed by negative recall. To the point where I just...don't think of a happy moment or memory unless I make myself, or something triggers the memory. My chest just absolutely aches thinking of her being in chronic pain, the nights where she felt so lonely(this one in particular), the lack of support from us, the several types of grief she probably experienced, her sitting on the porch in the middle of the night ringing Lifeline every night. I am forgiving to myself, because I know I did the best I could at the time, with the age I was, and the capacity with which I could emotionally support her. But I think this guilt probably exists because I didn't empathise more at the time, because Dad and I could have done more, because Dad DEFINITELY could have done more emotionally, but then practically speaking he did a lot more than I did. And I know I definitely have less patience with Dad now partly to have an avenue for that guilt.

But when I have an irritating conversation with Dad, or he says or does something that ruins my mood instantly....those feelings I feel, how easily frustrated or upset I could get from my only immediate family member....how Mum must have felt experiencing that from her Husband, of all people. And maybe these sad memories are easier to recall as a form of self-punishment for not feeling this empathy when Mum was alive. And I know there is most likely a lingering guilt for feeling a sense of relief that she is gone. Life was hard for her, and that made it hard for me. I am so relieved she isn't in any type of pain anymore, but am I also relieved to not be under that stress anymore. I also know things would have gotten far more stressful had she lived any longer. This feeling of "Well, Mum, you were right. About him, about many things". Maybe I knew that all at the time but was in denial about it so that my concept of "Family" wouldn't be broken. Anyway...there was something about this year, as the 8th year passed, and with a friend going through grief, and with this generally emotionally dragging time of year, I just felt like these feelings were stronger and I was more aware of them. Hopefully writing this post soothes them a bit.

#Ponderings on Grief #Grief #Grief guilt #Belated realisation #Family #Empathy