I have my next test tomorrow and I’m dreading it but currently not particularly anxious about it. But I reaallyyy need to pass lol. Like...if there’s ever a time I’ve really needed to have a licence it is now :| Cause things are going to get really difficult soon.
I’ve always hated driving. The only time I like it is when the lesson has finished, and even then I’ll spend a while ruminating in negativity over all the things that went wrong.
I get....so easily upset when driving. Nearly every single lesson there has been a point where I’ve had to furiously blink to stop a tear coming out because I was so frustrated at something not going right. I also realised a while ago that I always think a lesson didn’t go well, but my teacher never agrees with me lol. I get so consumed in one thing I did wrong, or one thing that didn’t go well when it used to, that it ruins the whole lesson for me and I think I just suck.
When I think about driving too much, when I type about it too much, when I talk about it too much - I always have to try not to cry. Even writing this is making me feel choked up. When I was on the phone to my brother and we were talking about driving I had tears but was trying not to make it obvious in my voice.
When I first had to drive I was so scared to. I don’t even know where I got all the fear from but Mum booked me a lesson and I only did it because I didn’t want to inconvenience the teacher by refusing to drive lol.
I did lessons for a while, failed three times for various reasons, stopped driving to save money when I was between jobs, then got comfortable with not driving and didn’t pick it back up for about 7 years lol.
But I’ve always known I really should try and get my P’s so I renewed my L’s whenever I needed to, booked with a different school a few months ago and have been doing regular lessons. My teacher this time around is absolutely fantastic, seriously such an awesome person, and he figured out very quickly that anxiety would be the thing to hold me back from passing lol.
What annoys me is...well everything.
I can feel that the skills themselves get easier, like overall I have more skills and awareness than when I started, I know way more tricks, but nothing else gets easier. The dread I feel driving is still the same as it was in lesson 1. I will do something well for a while then not be good at it again. I’ll find something new to do wrong that I never did before. But in lessons I can keep practicing until it is back, in a test things like parking you don’t get a third/fourth attempt lucky.
How is it fair that there is an element I know I CAN do, but might not always be able to do it straight away or in the second attempt.
Anyway generally I’m not too anxious in lessons, just always dreading. Because the teacher is there I feel reassured and can ask questions, and be told when I’m doing well.
However in a test because they can’t give you feedback during the drive, I start thinking EVERYTHING I’m doing is wrong. I get stuck in my head and then start thinking too much and then that’s when the mistakes start creeping in. I need constant reassurance because I don’t trust that everything I’m doing is right even though it is right.
When I failed the last test I wasn’t even disappointed, I was instantly washed over with relief that it was over and that’s when I felt like I was driving how I normally do in lessons. Up until the fail I felt like I wasn’t even in my own body. Holding the steering wheel felt weird, indicating felt weird, I felt like my steering was wrong and I would definitely get points off lol. Then when I asked the assessor afterwards he said up until the fail everything was perfect. I couldn’t even believe it cause everything FELT so wrong lol.
Before that test I tried many things, I got up early and had a good breakfast, I washed my hair the night before to feel good, wore clothes I felt good, went for a walk beforehand to calm down, thought positively most of the time, wore a special necklace for good luck, had a lesson beforehand, mindfully breathed, didn’t tell anyone I was doing a test. None of it helped lol. From the moment I was waiting at the centre for the assessor, until the moment after I had failed, all that preparation meant nothing.
It’s like the me who drives in lessons, and the me who drives in tests, are two different people. I can’t bridge things from one to the other.
So reading all this pre-test advice annoys me now, and annoyed me the first time. Cause it doesn’t help. I can’t pretend a mock test is real test, and vise versa because I straight up know it’s not the same. Remembering things to keep in mind doesn’t work cause I don’t remember at all once it’s a test, I just hear an instruction and drive. Breathing deeply doesn’t help cause I don’t remember to breathe at the time.
What also annoys me is people around me. It’s so easy for people to say stupid things like “Oh why don’t you drive?”, “You should get your licence”, “Are you going for your licence?”, “Just keep practicing”. I get they mean well but oh my god it is infuriating.
Why do people think that because they can do something well, that everyone else automatically can? Why don’t they consider someone might be terrified, or might find it more difficult than them? Like....you’re really not being as helpful as you think you are.
It’s also for that reason I don’t tell people around me that I’m driving. The only people who know are a girl who has the same teacher as me, my close friend who’s too scared to drive, and two people at work lol.
I don’t want advice from a confident person, you passed the test because you’re confident. Even if you had test nerves you still passed because at the core you’re confident, or are sure of yourself. I need to find someone who’s straight up terrified of driving and doesn’t like driving, and doubts themselves, but is still doing it. However once I do have my P’s I think driving with a confident driver as a passenger would be a huge help.
If I could to this stupid test every day I would eventually pass. I feel like because there’s a while between tests it gives me time to build up apprehension for it. The driving lessons and the test are totally different things. I don’t need more lessons, I need to “practice” more actual assessments lol.
Anyway I just keep telling myself at least you’re doing this. You have your foot in the door, you’re trying. Just keep doing it all and you’ll get there. It just annoys me that people way younger than me can do this test and pass with no mistakes. I can’t fathom it, I feel so unsure on the road and of everything. Nothing feels right when I do it.
I hate it all. I hate that it’s such a process and costs so much money. I just want to pass so that I never have to drive again unless it’s an emergency, and so people leave me alone.