THE FAPS X-treem Westbrohemian Baptist Sk8board Fart Tour, The "T" in Tour is for Tim Hortons- Someone get me an Iced Coffee Administered Through Intravenous i need to feel the steel to be real
Chapter 6: Part 1- Everybody Needs to be More Like Johnny. Pap Smear, Pap Smear 2 for 1 Over Here. #BeMoreLikeJohnny #CantGetDirrtierrThanTheDirrtyShow
The heat was really getting to us, we were tired and thirsty, our bodily fluids were probably 80% iced coffee and beer at this point. Honestly, I don’t really like Alberta and this was pretty much desert weather. We were all dehydrated despite my efforts in downing a liter of water every two hours. So far it had felt like a lot of driving in a sweltering metal box on wheels. I’m sure we were damaging our ears due to the windows always having to be open because the van doesn’t have air conditioning and I the fact that I would die in the back seat without the constant wind pressure in my face drying out my eyes and fucking up my hair. I didn’t care though. I expected that we’d be much dirtier and smellier by that time anyway. We were very lucky to be able to shower at the Almighty Keith’s house.
Crossing the boarding from Alberta to B.C is interesting. Our spirits were immediately lifted as we were blasted in the face by a load of salty, fresh, cool air. It was amazing how quickly our mood changed from, “Fuuuuuuck it’s fucking hawwwt in heeerrrre dear god I cant breeeaaathe.” To “ HEY! MOUNTAINS!”
We really could not wait to arrive in Revelstoke. We knew it was to be the highlight of our trip and the highlight of this blog. It’s all downhill from here if you can believe that you were ever uphill while reading what comes next here.
Man, driving through the mountains listening to Liars is pretty rad. I think the next album we were on was their self-titled one.
-For those of you just tuning in now or those of you who do a lot of drugs and can’t remember (I’m not judging) , while on tour we were on a mission to listen to the entire Liars discography because they’re fucking awesome and you should go check them out right now if you like themyoushouldfuckin-buy-thealbumafter you steal it fromtheinternet runonsentencesftw.-
Needless to say we were so ready to rip the heart out of Life and eat it while Life watched to gain Life’s powers and live forever.
Unfortunately I only spotted on beautiful majestic animal while we were in the mountains, but it was all I had hoped it would be. We were driving past a grove of trees with some sort of body of water behind it, and at first it thought I was just looking at a big brown cow from behind; until it lifted its beautifully magnificent head and I saw its giant antlers. I knew it was an elk because it didn’t have a big stupid nose on its face. And I yelled, “HEY LOOK, AN ELK” but no one else saw it, so I was a little sad. Sometimes I feel like things don’t exist if I’m the only one seeing them. I mean, it exists to me, I saw it and I felt the reaction of seeing it- pure delight and seeing such a large creature in “the wild”. But I like sharing those kinds of experiences with someone or someomes; memories ‘n shiiit.
Ooooo one of my favorite memories from driving through B.C is when we stopped at the side of the road and hung out beside this raging boner river. The rapids were intense; it was as if the mouth of the river, wherever it was, had been perpetually throwing up. It was beautiful. We found some large rocks to sit on and stuck our feet in the icy cold glacier water. The river literally roaring at us, being there was so amazing.
“Mmmmmmmm,” says Skyler, “so glorious.” As I am writing this I’ve been copying and pasting little excerpts and sending them to Skyler and Josh Robinson over facebook for feedback. Well no, not feedback, more like gauging audience reactions. As if I even have an audience haha.
When I got up and put my boots back on I noticed that across the road, running down the mountain rock wall were tiny water falls. I waited until there weren’t any vehicles coming around the corner before I ran across the road to stand under these little water falls. Blair joined me and I think Skyler took some pictures but I hope he didn’t because I hate having my picture taken. Uuuugh. But this little roadside adventure was pretty sweet.
We arrived in Golden sometime before sunset, I had stopped paying attention to the actual time as it seemed irrelevant while I was having so much fun. The T in Tour stands for Tim Hortons. If you didn’t know that, then you’ve never been on tour. Amirite?
We hung out in the parking lot while we ate our timbits and threw them at Skyler, trying to land them in or around his mouth area while he talked on the phone with Jacquo because she's awesome and deserves nice phone calls, telling her about all the weird shit we’d gotten ourselves into.
It was kind of late when we pulled our sludge mobile into Revelstoke, we were so happy to have finally gotten there. The Faps were scheduled to play the next night but we had decided it would be a good idea to show up a day early to hangout and promote the show. Before we left Calgary we had printed out a bunch of hand drawn handbills that Blair had drawn up. The picture on the handbill was of Blair and Skyler looking very sick and very sweaty, which is an accurate portrayal of the events prior to the riveting Revelstoke experience extraordinaire extravaganza.
Upon finding the venue The Faps were to desecrate in the next 24 hours, we climbed out of the van, the warm metal womb on wheels, born again, we began handing out the printed handbills to some people smoking outside The Last Drop (the venue, stupid.)
We asked what was going on inside and some guys told us that there were two women singing about gargling an old man’s jizz. Blair and I looked at each other, “We’re home.” Is the thought that we share telepathically in this moment. We downed a few cans of beer and the three of us headed inside unprepared for the beautifully terrific horror that awaited us inside.
Greeted by the lovely sound of guitar and two female voices singing in harmony with each other, sweet and beautiful, we made our way to the front of the stage. The only people in the bar standing.
Laughter ensued as soon as we realized what they were singing about. I believe the first song we heard them sing was called, “Fuck Myself.” The lyrics to the opening verse are,
“It’s a nice I could go outside/ take a walk to the beach or go for a drive/ I don’t need fancy/ I don’t help/ yeah it’s a nice day to fuck myself.”
FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Seeing two women on a stage singing the raunchiest shit, but in a classy way, is probably one of the best experiences in my entire life.
http://www.reverbnation.com/thedirrtyshow/songs
And they’re not shy about it either, they go all out with their content and it is magnificently honest and hilarious and heart warming and oigjsdhodfhgkdf. Just so good. I highly recommend checking them out. We made the collective decision that of fucking course we would buy their album. I’m thinking we may have been laughing the loudest out of everyone in the bar, I am also pretty sure we appreciated them the most. Blair and Skyler’s fear of maybe being a bit too offensive for the likes of The Last Drop were quickly vaporized when The Dirtty Show began singing a very graphic and detailed song about giving birth.
There was one song called The Titty Shake and they had pointed at me hoping I would also do the titty shake but since I’ve never done the titty shake I wasn’t very confident in my ability to do so, so I politely shook my head and declined. Thinking back, I wish I had just done it. I have no idea when a band of ladies are going to ask me to shake my tits for them again, I feel like that may have been a once in a life time opportunity AND I MISSED IT.
We talked to Kayla and Melody (Yes, these women have NAMES) after the show and learned they are from Red Deer, Alberta. They’re also very humble and sweet human beings, we asked them to stay and have a drink with us but alas they were tired and I think they had to be up early the next day.
After the show we got drunk and started handing out more handbills, trying to promote the show for the next night. We drunkenly talked to some locals, made some friends or even frenemies. It was great.
Blair is a mother fuckin genius and saved the fucking day! We didn’t really have a place to stay that night, we were hoping to just find a sweet hotel but Blair went and talked to Barman Johnny, the chillest and illest of the chills and ills, and was able to snag the three of us hotel rooms for the night.
Man, everyone needs to be more like Johnny.
We already had rooms booked for the next night, it was included in the payment for the gig, so now we have THREE rooms for TWO nights. Fuck. Yeah.
Skyler and I went to check out our rooms while Blair schmoozed people in the bar. Each room had two beds, a mini fridge and a tv. Regular hotel room shit but after living in the van, the metal sauna box, this felt like royalty. Skyler and I exchanged glances, “This is fuckin Dumb.” We said. Dumb in the raddest of ways, dumb in the sense that we may have felt a little undeserving of these royal gifts. But fuck that. The Faps 100% deserve all the hotel rooms, all the Dom Perignon, all the Mini Fridges.
Abso-funken-lutely. I immediately pushed the two king sized beds together in my room, and began jumping on them and giggling like a child. Because why the fuck not. We were way too RevelStoked. I know that pun is terrible and over used, but so were we.
TO PROBABLY BE CONTINUED WHEN I DECIDE TO FINISH THIS SHIT. This seems good enough for now.
Chapter 6 is a long unwanted pubic hair.