#benaiahstories

[sewaowoeye]

“ ‘So, why are you not angry?’ I asked.

‘Huh?’ He replied, trying to figure out what I meant.

‘I said, why are you not angry at what just happened? Don’t you get angry? Isn’t that the usual thing?’ I asked again.

This time, elaborately. I was wide-eyed, staring at him and hoping he'd finally say something—perhaps, some words my past could relate with. He stared at me for a while, and then suddenly, we started laughing so hard. He asked why I expected him to have been angry, which led to me sharing some experiences so he’d know where I was coming from.

But that day, I realised that, sometimes, because you’ve been used to turbulence and the hard life, you find peace too boring and unusual. Many times, I’ve had to pause and ask myself, ‘So, if life can be this easy and God isn’t a tyrant, why did I have to go through the hard way?’ But I later figured that God is watching our lives in replay and He knows all that would happen to us before they did.

Regardless of the mess we put ourselves in, He’s more than willing to clean us up and help us become whole again. Indeed, He’s able to pull you out of where you’ve sank, heal you of your past and re-align you to His will. His love is the kind that teaches us to be grateful for rescue; one that wipes away our tears of toil.”

Narration&muse: @sewaowoeye

📸: @sewaowoeye

[sewaowoeye]

“My mum was going to follow me to school the next day. There is no better way to say how curious she was and how red her face turned after saying all that I said that day. It was the bursar. He said he would willingly pay my fees for the 3 high school terms and sent me home to have my mum’s consent.

Earlier that day, I was sent away for defaulting in paying my school fee. I cried bitterly as it was the first time that would ever happen to me. I was just in JSS3 and my fees for the 3 terms had to be paid at once. Since there was no other place to turn, I gently carried my bags and headed home from the bursar’s office, dragging my feet and having myriads of thoughts about “if onlys”, “what ifs” and “what nexts”.

It was not a little joy that filled my heart as I rushed home to show my mum the evidence of payment the next day. We both couldn’t understand the depth of where the tears rolled out of. Many more memories filled my childhood experiences. And even in a very long time, I won’t forget how they made me feel: loved and cared for, beyond any other thing.

This singular experience is one out of many that made me understand the reality of being the thought that fills Abba’s mind each passing minute. How pleasant it is to know that He is always thinking of His children—a delight to know that I’m completely covered by Him! It’s a love you can find only with good good Father.”

Narration&muse: @sewaowoeye

📸: @sewaowoeye

[sewaowoeye]

“Clearly, I had pushed myself too hard and there’s this ‘coconut head’ I carried on my neck at that time. I just kept worrying and trying to figure out on my own how things would eventually play out. So, an old friend of mine reached out and when he was done, he asked, ‘Sewa, why not just rest in God?’ Although that wasn’t the first time I’d hear that, it sounded so different I had to open up.

It was a long-standing issue. I started well, trusting God for everything, but just somewhere in the middle, I lost my gaze. I became full of doubts because I felt God stopped talking. Or maybe, He stopped saying what my mind wanted to hear and how I wanted Him to say it. So, frustration took me over. Ever been in a phase where you were just on your own, but Abba came to you with His plan and onboarded you, and then, in the middle, you asked Him what’s next, and all He said was to keep resting in Him?

Exactly! I felt God ‘aired’ me. Simple as it may seem, I was broken by it because I put myself under unnecessary pressure. In fact, I wore myself out until I found my way back to Him, asking Him to teach me how to rest in Him. But even through all these, I saw Abba healing me of what I never knew I had. Then, I realised that when Abba starts working in and through us, it is wisdom on our parts to let Him finish, without letting our anxieties interrupt the process. And it’s okay not to know how to rest in Him; just ask Him to teach you.”

Narration&muse: @sewaowoeye

📸: @sewaowoeye

[sewaowoeye]

“That evening was bitter. Well, I was going to rebuild those walls again. So, I told him off. Well, not just him; I had shut myself in and built this shell no one would crack easily. I was okay that way: a world I didn’t have to stress to ‘love’ anymore.

You can tell I was broken. I didn’t even know what love truly is. I had thought it’s a phase in my life that was long gone—a period I lost myself trying to find and please a special one, having no rest of mind whatsoever and always still making my way to the receiving end. It was only by mercy I found myself again.

So, when I saw the glimpse of a genuine concern shining through from someone later on, I fought so hard and rejected every bit of it. I felt threatened because I thought it was a past phase of life trying to come back. But I was wrong. Abba wanted to heal me; I just didn’t know how. He wanted to reset my mind.

I admitted; all I ever knew is what love isn’t. I had walled myself in and hardened every bit of it. I set overly ‘extra’ boundaries out of hurt and would never give a chance to ‘loving’ again. But I realised that, many times, our healing starts from the redefinition of what love truly is — just when we allow God to fix our broken pieces by breaking the walls we’ve shelled ourselves in out of fear.”

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Narration&muse: @sewaowoeye

📸: @sewaowoeye

[sewaowoeye]

“Today, I choose not to be forgetful. So, would I share with you some of my past suicidal moments? Yes, I will. I’ll also tell you how, that evening, I spent time picturing suicide scenes in my mind as I writhed in pain and agony. Most importantly, I’ll tell you how I got out of it.

‘No, don’t do that...no one will understand what you’re going through...none really cares about you, you know?...maybe you’re just a burden to others, leave them for good, give in now and let them be.’

Many more thoughts raged my mind. But while I struggled with talking to someone, I eventually phoned a friend. At the end of the conversation, it was clear that I had completely forgotten all God did for me. I couldn’t even figure how it all started.

That evening, she spoke some sense into me and began to open my eyes to what could have happened to me if some things I cried for were actually realised. So, I started to call myself to order. I felt so sorry to Abba, for even thinking He didn’t love me!

I began to write down all the goodness of God that I could remember and raised altars of gratitude for days. Thoughts of suicide faded off. It was so much fun putting on my garment of praise. Today and ever, my soul remembers all He’s done, never to forget them again. What a great time to be alive!

.

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Narration&muse: @sewaowoeye

📸: @sewaowoeye

[sewaowoeye]

“I only got to know how terrible my past moments were when they became long gone behind me. And I can tell, that was never a place to be. I told myself I was done searching for love in all the wrong places. I just wanted peace. Rest was all I asked.

Emotional trauma broke me. Absolutely, I was pained that I had to go through it many times. Too pained! I just got tired of basically everything. So, rather than searching for love, I wanted to be searched for. Instead of apologizing and putting up with “not being good enough”, I just wanted to be appreciated. And rather than “chasing”, I wanted to be chased. Then, it became so real to me that it matters who said “I love you” first.

And all along while I sulked, little did I know that Abba was waiting. He took me as far back as when He started loving me—a time when I didn’t even know He existed. He rubbed it on my face that He was the first to say “I love you”. The first to chase me. The first to come for me. The first to search for me. He loved me so proactively! And that was I needed: to live in the reality that He’s the One who gave everything for me, and He did it first. I found my healing.”

Narration&muse: @sewaowoeye

📸: @sewaowoeye

[sewaowoeye]

“When did you start locking your room?”, he asked.

I rolled my eyes in indifference, thinking, “And what’s your problem with that?”

That was a family friend. I collected my parcel, went back to my room and locked myself up again.I was going to move on and try to put behind things that brought me down. But it seemed like every step I took kept widening a vacuum in my heart. I just never understood why every move I made seemed to drag me many steps back.

I felt like I’ve lost it all — relationships, plans and pursuits. I ran from one mess to another as pictures of the past won’t stop flashing through my mind. Slowly, I began to withdraw from people, thinking no one would understand. My mind was messed up and suicide became an option.

That evening, after being in what I call the “lowest-of-lows”, I set up a panel with Abba. I mean, where on earth did He say His love was? I just wanted to move on from my triggers and pain. Was that too much to ask? The more I did this, the more I realised I’ve set my priorities wrongly.

I wanted to move on.

But Abba wanted to heal me.

With tears welled up in my eyes, I admitted, “No other option ever sounded better.”

That moment, I knew I was ready for His love.

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Narration&muse: @sewaowoeye

📸: @sewaowoeye

[sewaowoeye]

“I didn’t find it funny when I heard about it. And from that moment, I already knew it wouldn’t be funny any longer. How could this happen and then, what I thought is long gone into the past is being dug for the world to see? I faced my sister with tears in my eyes and asked, “So, how would they look at me now? Just how?” I cried passionately.

She muttered some words I didn’t understand. It felt like she said, “So, what’s that? It’s long gone and stop looking at yourself through other people’s eyes”. Well, that’s what I heard. Need I tell you that that phase of my life humbled me so well. It really did and then, it opened to me another facet in my walk with God.

I began to learn how to deal with life happenings, how to forgive, let go and live in the reality of who God has called me to be. But most of all, I started to know the reality of when Abba said, “He’s the One who blotted out my transgressions and can’t remember them anymore”. Indeed, it’s amazing to know that we are even the ones who remind Him of the wrongs we ever did. He keeps no record of them. And just like that, He forgets them and gives you a fresh new slate!”

Narration&muse: @sewaowoeye

Photo: @sewaowoeye