#benka writes

[benkaben]

Idea I've written approximately half a chapter for: An ace girl & a gay guy find themselves as the last people on earth after the apocalipsis and a love story ensures. Not quite the one anyone else would expect, but love nevertheless.

[benkaben]

It's so strange how I miss you as if I've already had you. 

Your lips have never reached for mine, yet I know their absence as if you've kissed me a hundred times.

And my bed wants to be called "ours", more than you or I, shared space under the nightsky...

But it hurts to remember your starlight touched skin brushing mine, all just an illusion of sheets and mind.

Ah, I fear too long I have linger in the future memory of your arms, as I'm nothing but a yearning heart.

Future me knows your touch, and I envy them. || B. A.

[benkaben]

Regarding this interview about the portrayal of intimacy in Euthanasia...

I can't say I'm happy with any of it.

Because okay. You don't want the romance to derail from the drama? But still want it to be clear there's a romance there?

Then build it up, genuinely, show the characters grow closer and how they like each other, create moments between them that show the romance happening, not just state it for the audience verbally.

And hey, you don't need NC scenes for that! No, sexual intimacy is not the only thing that "proves" a romance exist.

I mean heck, you could even go all the way around and have all the NC scenes in the world and still present a story where the characters aren't in love with each other, because sex ≠ romance. Absolutely.

But also I'm, really tired™, of this idea that any kind of sex portrayed in media is only going to "taint" the final composition. As If sex and love stories were some dirty stain that automatically made the work lesser: Less serious, less formal, less dramatic.

I don't agree with the idea that you have to sacrifice intimacy in order to be taken seriously. I don't agree with the idea that sex is by default, just fanservice and therefore it's portrayal subtracts automatically from the story.

And don't even get me started on the way this idea is so prevalent specially when it comes to queer media.

I have never, in my life, encounter someone bashing Dark because it contains sex and nudes, I have seen more respect shown for the sex scene in Midsommar than for the explicit kiss of Catra and Adora, and I would argue we have at least a couple of good shows that discuss heavy topics without needing to censor themselves when it comes to CHARACTERS HAVING SEX.

It doesn't have to be One or The Other, and continuing pushing this idea that it has to, either your work becomes un-pure or can't be taken as seriously as you wish, is nothing but purity culture bullshit, and I'm mad, and so, so tired to still be having this discussion all over again

[benkaben]

One thing about me is my memory sucks ass, I can remember random information and facts but I can't tell you for the love of my life what happened in what year in my life, or if anything happened at all, every moment blurred together and getting more and more difussed as time passes by, and then I just have these Big Ass Chuncks of Erased Memories all around.

Another thing is, I found what has been my diary since 2017, often left without any writing inside for months and years (last time I wrote in it was 2021. I hadn't even started watching QL by then bjkahjsi), and BOY. BOY AM I ARO AS FUCK.

I do have a vague idea of wanting to fall in love, I do have the instances here and there of liking people, romantically, but I'm reading this dramatic and overwhelming thoughts of my 15 year old and I've encountered so many times the phrases "I don't think I can fall in love the way I'm supposed to, I don't think I can love someone 100%, I think I could marry someone I like but I'm not sure I would love them how I should" AND LIKE.

Ohhhhhh man. Ohhhhhh little guy, who didn't even know they were more of a guy than a girl. Oh darling.

I've been thinking for at least a couple of years now that I might be aro because I haven't experienced any strong romantic attraction towards someone in YEARS, and then I read this, and it turns out I have never really experienced it at all.

There's this sensation of some kind of mark to met, a love like in the movies that makes people go mad, a love like those I see people experience in real life, the commitment, the sensations, the actions, the tales and stories people tell about it all. And I love the idea of love, but I hear all of that and think "it just doesn't seem to happen to me''

And when I was younger I thought I might've been broken, but it turns out, I simply are not the same as a lot of other people, and there's a lot of people that are like me.

And boy did it clicked again. The way it clicked when I understood what being bi meant, the way it clicked when I got a label for my gender that fit.

It's kind of validating, especially when you don't remember when things started to happen, to see something you've been thinking about for quite a while and look behind and say "Oh no, it's not a little while, this has been, my whole life"

I'm not closed to the idea of falling in love, I'm not against the idea of dating and even marrying someone, but now I can say it's not my priority, or something I even look for, nor something I feel incomplete without.

It's just a part of me that has always been there, and it now has a name.

[benkaben]

I mean, show me the studies!

If there's really such differences between humans because of their genitals, show me then!

Show me the evil hormone you lack, show me the one that makes you just and fair, show me the verified experiments that prove you're incapable of harm, show me how they were repeated in México and Madagascar!

Show me then, teach me how we will all forever be tainted by cruelty and evilness because we've all been conceived with at least some devil... "male" help.

Oh? Haven't we heard this story before? Something about an apple and a sin, I believe...

Oh but you're right! Yours is different because it's factual science, not those silly fairytales of all mighty reality creators, of course!

No no, go ahead, show me, prove me, teach me, point at the research, replicated and duplicated and validated and unchangeable, that finally shows us all, deviants and freaks, the gene that makes you holy, divine femenine.

| Sanctified Science | B. A.

[benkaben]

Hyeonho starts to also try and remade his life, after leaving behind his feelings for Dohoe... but he's still holding that strange, unfathomable sensation of "maybe if things had been different..."

He has hold to his repressed emotions for too long and now he's unconsciously holding to that tiny little thorn, tearing him apart slowly.

He starts dreaming about them. About Dohoe and himself. About his beautiful eyes looking at him with actual love, even if it wasn't the type of love he saw Juyeong with. He doesn't hate it anymore.

But he wakes up and tries to shake those dreams off. He knows he can't, because there was a time, albeit a short one, where he and Dohoe only really had each other.

His dreams are, in fact, memories, of a friendship he now considers lost.

Time goes by and now he only encounters his past on occasion, when he sees Juyeong in the reflection of his car's mirror, saying hi to the Taekwondo teacher of the building next door.

He doesn't like the greedy need of reaching out that spurs out of his chest.

He doesn't like to observe and actually think about Juyeong and the happiness he exhales. He doesn't like to think about Dohoe and wonder himself to sleep if he's actually doing better without him.

He can only guess that much by the laugh that reaches Juyeong's eyes, so loud and so free.

His dreams start to change.

That freedom and laughs are not longer secret to him. Where before a faceless silhouette of Juyeong stood, now there was a shining joy.

And Dohoe still looked at him with love, but this love confused him... so similar to the one he shared with Juyeong, never once the type of endearment he looked at him with...

"... But I survived because I had you. Because you were my friend."

He wakes up one day, and decides to make a risky call.

[benkaben]

Hole in my chest from your little beatings,

defeated once again at the tremors of the uncaring gods you carry around

broken down through the disgust in your face, the disbelief in your voice, the disappointment in your eyes

Maybe the deities you so very worship would've been kinder than your little bone breaking hammer

Little everything, every little thing, little, little, little.

Keep on pushing one little laugh onto one little scratch onto one unfortunate scream onto one accidental fist onto one little mockery and you'll get me bleeding hurt, big and real.

I wonder if I can ever stop carrying so very little much of yourself in my veins,

and I wonder if you'd care as much for who I am if my blood was glittering gold, extreme, intense, and odd,

and not "normal" red, like yours.

[benkaben]

Hold on to what keeps you moving on, as silly at it is, hold on to the character, to the pet, to the TV show, to your friends, to that one really delicious plate you know how to make.

Hold on to the hope of eating your favorite fruit, to relaxing on your couch, to reading a new book, to talking to someone new, to dancing to your favorite song and singing at the home-made karaoke.

Keep on living, even if you feel you're just on stand by, you're still here, experiencing every day, even if not all experiences are kind, you still can look forward to all those that are, and remember all the fond ones that stay in your heart.

Life is all about the in-between moments, after all.