I used to think I could only smile in photos, that if I smiled everything (and every one) would be okay, because a frozen false reality was something safe others could take solace in. I used to think, that a happy lie could cover the pain. The fear. The numbness." I'm okay" would mean others were too. I used to think, it was easier to smile than to frown. Easier to laugh than cry. Better even. In the last few months, I've come to realise that this was all wrong. I've realised photos are there to capture moments. Moments of laughter and strength, and moments of fear and confusion. And the times in between. Time goes by quickly, days become months become seasons, and then the year is at a close. Before you know it, you've forgotten the moments. You've forgotten the number of times you smiled, the number of times you cried yourself to sleep. Then you look at photos, and things come flooding back. The little changes, the big ones. The time you danced to the sound of birds at 4am, the times you met up with a friend, that one time you felt beautiful. But when you adhere to the rules I had set, you forget the time you screamed at a person you loved, you forget the times you felt hopeless. And memories of pain slowly fade. You could argue that's a good thing. But I don't think it is, because without the bad, you can't appreciate the good. You don't appreciate the smiles, if you don't remember the times you simply couldn't smile. We live in a world where we take the simple for granted. We forget that we are, in fact, allowed to feel like utter shit. We are allowed to feel hopeless. Because this is what teaches us strength. And I've gained a lot of that this year. I wish I'd taken more photos of the bad times, so I could appreciate the good ones more clearly. I've changed. I think we all have, in most ways for the better. I don't regret anything. I doubt it was right sometimes, but I don't regret it. Because without those moments I wouldn't be where I am. So I am grateful. For the good, but especially for the bad, because it taught me strength, power, independence, and appreciation. It has been a matter of months, but so many moments. And I am proud to say, I made it.