#besides lizzie

[scarlet-flowers]

cuties

[dcllasmc-blog]

Dear brother

dear joey,

i miss you. i miss you so fucking much. and i need you so fucking bad lately, man. it’s wild, you know? that no one has a fucking clue what’s going on inside my head. no one except you... well, and technically a girl named blair i met here in paris, but i like to think that you see and know everything about me from up there. i just... i don’t know what the fuck to do, joe. it would be so much easier if you were here. if you were still here, and i told you i didn’t want to go through with this shit back home, you would have told mom and dad to fuck right off and let me live my life. i can’t do that myself. out of all the things i can do and have been able to do in my life, this is the one thing that i just can’t. i’m not as strong as you. i try to be as strong and carefree as you were, i really try so hard every single day, but i can’t help but think that i’ll never be as strong as you. i could never be, unless you were here to guide me through it. 

on top of it all, it still hurts to think about you being gone. all my life, ever since you were taken from me, everyone told me that it wouldn’t have much of an affect on me. they’d tell me, yeah, sure, you’re sad now, but you’re only 11, you’ll get through life and joey will be such a fond memory to have from your childhood. they told me it would be okay and that the impact wouldn’t be as great as i thought in the moment. they told me i might even forget about the pain. well, guess what? it’s had the biggest impact on my life, and i haven’t, and never will forget the pain. i will never forget.

i’ve tried really hard over the years to not be so sensitive if i’m ever in a situation where you’re brought up. some instances, i can make it through. but lately? it just hurts. i miss you so much, brother. i think about what would joey do? in every one of my life’s choices but then i remember that i would never actually fucking know because you’re not here to find out. out of everyone on this whole earth, you were the last person who deserved to be taken. you were so full of life. so full of love. and i’ve worked hard ever since to follow in those footsteps and carry on your love of life and your love of love and for the most part, yeah, it has brought me some incredible experiences. but those are the only footsteps i want to follow. i don’t give a fuck about the firm or law school. i don’t know what i want to do. but you are the only person i know who would be okay with that and support me all the way. maybe if i were lucky enough, we could have even done whatever together. we could live together, or travel together, and have all the fun we used to when we were kids, but as adults taking on the world. maybe brodie and esme will understand why i don’t want to go back to boston... maybe i’m overthinking it and i should just trust that they’ll support me since they claim to be my best friends. but i can’t help but feel scared, man. i just know that if you were here, it wouldn’t matter. you were the only support and love i ever really cared about in the long-run. your opinion and your guidance was all that mattered, even if my biggest worry when we were together was which color power ranger i was going to be each year for halloween.

i don’t know. i can’t say it enough. i miss you. enough about me, though, i guess. how are you doing up there, brother? is it as sweet as it’s claimed to be? have you been catching waves? i know you always wanted to go surfing. i’m sorry you never got to. i know you’ve seen it, but i went surfing. mom and dad took me to california one year and i spent an entire day taking lessons, and then i threw one of your guitar picks into the pacific ocean so that it was like you were there too. last summer? i went cliff-diving, man. you would have fucking loved it. i’ve never felt more of a rush in my life than when i looked down to see i was jumping into clear, blue waves. i’ve gone rock-climbing, parasailing, scuba diving, jet-skiing, wake-boarding, snowboarding, you name it. i do it all for you, joe. i mean, i love it. but i do it because you never got to.

with that said, i have to thank you, brother. i know in hindsight 11 years out of my life spent with you isn’t that long. and a lot of people like to try and diminish my love and connection with you because of how young i was when you died. but i don’t listen to them. i remember every waking moment i had with you. and i have to thank you for being the best big brother i could have ever spent my childhood with. you never turned me away, or said you were too cool to hang out with me, or made me upset once. you were patient and loving, instead of scolding me or undermining me for doing something wrong, you always taught me a lesson instead and guided me through my mistake, whether it was trying to hide an average grade from mom and dad or accidentally doing something to mess you up in a video game. you wanted to hang out with me, you call me your best friend. do you know how rare that is? two brothers, four years apart, the older brother wanting to blow off his friends to hang out with his little brother instead? god, i was so fucking blessed. i was so fucking lucky to have you. everyone you met was. thank you for being that kind of brother to me. it’s because of you that i have such a vast love for life and people now. i never know what’s going to happen tomorrow, and i will never, ever take that for granted.

i love you so much, joe. please keep watching over me. you’re not here, but you’re my only sense of sanity whenever i’m lonely. i’m gonna get someone to go to a topless beach with me soon because i can probably guarantee that’s something that would have been on your french bucket list. catch a big one for me up there, brother. i love you, i love you, i love you.