Tears Of A Broken Man | Part VI
Remus continued to stare at Sirius. Moonbeam. He hadn’t called him that since they were 16, laying in their beds talking about, well everything. Now this adult version of him sat with tears in his eyes, trying to apologize for something that happened over a decade ago. Sirius was never great at hiding anything he felt, it was usually all over his face or hidden quite obviously behind either anger or jokes. But you could always see it on his face.
Remus knew what dementors did to a person, how they would torture with memories and make someone feel they were less than dirt. He figured the poor man had been beating himself up over many things over the years, though Remus didn’t think that would have been one of them.
He lay the book down, pulled off his reading glasses, leaned his elbows on his knees and looked down at Sirius folded up on the carpet.
“I should think you’d have more important things to apologize for. A mistaken kiss in the dark of night doesn’t quite compare to almost getting Snape killed, and me arrested for being a murderer, now does it?”
He had meant it as a joke, he really did. He even smirked and chuckled as if to encourage joking about their ridiculous history, to make light of it and show the man it was all in the past and forgiven but it seemed to only further hurt Sirius.
“I know, alright? I’m a total screw up. I just make everything worse. I get it!” Sirius barked at him. He tugged hard on a loose thread in the carpet fraying the old fabric.
Remus sighed and ran his hand over his face slowly.
“Sirius Black. I’m not mad anymore. I forgave you years ago. Why you ran off that night doesn’t matter, just like why you decided to send snape down on a full moon doesn’t matter. It’s in the very distant past, and I don’t want to fight with you anymore so can we just leave it there?”
He knelt to the ground and looked at his old friend, a man who looked so handsome and open, but so unhappy and frail at the same time. This was still Sirius, a more damaged and unhealthy version but it was the same arrogant yet unsure boy who needed love and attention. Craved it really, but pretended he didn’t.
Sirius looked up at him. His eyes bore into Remus. And through the tears of a broken man, Remus saw something he hadn’t seen in years. A nervous sort of desire and love. The same thing he thought he saw all those years ago, that which drove him to doing the thing that had pulled them apart. Remus clenched his jaw and looked away, the look in Sirius’ eyes still made his stomach clench and his chest tighten. That was impossible, of course, it had been years. But he couldn’t deny it. Though he knew that even if he felt something, it had been obvious then what the answer was and he wouldn’t put himself through it again.
“I should go,” he stood quickly, grabbed his glasses and made to leave.
A hand shot out and grabbed his arm. Remus shut his eyes, begging himself not to do what he wanted desperately to do, or to tell himself what he wanted wasn’t happening so he had to stop getting his hopes up.
Lips pressed against his. They were thin, chapped and trembled something horrible, but they were on his, and they belonged to Sirius. His Sirius. He shouldn’t be such a weak man, shouldn't so easily melt into a puddle for a man who has so easily hurt him in the past, shouldn’t be letting him reel Remus back in because of loneliness or boredom. He shouldn’t, but he did. Who was Remus kidding, when it came to Sirius, all logic and self preservation went out the window.
“If you run away again, I really won’t forgive you this time,” Remus whispered, eyes still closed his voice breaking with pent up emotion.
“I’m not letting you go, even if it kills me,” Sirius murmured.
Then Sirius’ hands cupped his face and gave him a searing, breathtaking kiss. Remus slid his arms around Sirius’ waist and pulled the shorter man flush against him. This is what he had been waiting for, years of wanting and wishing. For someone who Remus didn’t think he’d ever see again, and now he had Sirius in his arms.