#between us thoughts

[chibipandaao3]

Win Team and love

I see a lot of people fussing over their “inability” to admit they love one another, particularly Team. But here’s the thing - they both know. Knowing isn’t the problem.

Sure, Win fought it briefly. But when that man returned home to Team having a nightmare in front of his door and then sees Team dismiss all his pain and sorrow with a small and forced laugh - Win knew. From that moment on he knows he loves Team. He knows he’ll wait forever for Team.

Team’s more complicated. I think he fully realized he loved Win when the latter yelled at him and expressed extreme fear follow the pool incident - Team was confronted with a person openly and forcefully caring for him and “knew” he loved Win.

The problem for Team is that he has no self worth - his life is a mistake, something stolen from Ton. At some point following Ton’s death, Team decided (intentionally or not) that his existence was only worth anything as long as everything he did was for Ton. Team wakes up for Ton, swims for Ton, tries for Ton, lives for Ton. And he still believes he hasn’t done enough to gain forgiveness. Team probably went to Ton’s grave after every competition - every victory - when he got his scholarship hoping that this time there’d be a sign of forgiveness.

So, Team knows he loves Win but can’t understand why Win would love him back. His life is meaningless, just an endless struggle to get forgiveness from a person who’s been dead for a decade. Does Win constantly show how much he loves Team? Yes. And Team is slowly accepting that because it happens so frequently he can’t come up with enough excuses for the things Win does. But yet, it doesn’t make sense to Team. Win is so much more than Team, even Win outright saying “I love you,” would likely still be dismissed in some fashion.

Win knows this - not the whole story, but he knows Team enough to see his struggles and that’s why he decided to wait.

[mirabella96]

Between Us made me the most patient and the most impatient person in the world at the same time. And I think I am not the only one.

[chibipandaao3]

Thoughts on Hemp Rope novel and Between Us pt1 (spoilers for both)

Arguably the largest alteration between the drama and the novel is Team’s family dynamic/structure.

For clarification, in the novel Team’s parents died in an accident when he was about 5 - his father had no living family and it seemed like Team would end up in the system except his cousin Ton begged his parents (Team’s aunt and uncle) to take him in. Whereas in the show, Team’s parents have both survived.

Why was this changed, I think in part it was done for simplicities sake. Separating the two families makes the overall structure easier to comprehend and lessens the nuance. However, it really changes (and almost lessens) the nature of Team’s grief and guilt.

Throughout the novel leading up to Team revealing everything to Win we get bits and pieces of Team’s trauma; his internal admission he can’t look his parents in the eye, his reoccurring flashbacks, and of course his nightmares. He also admits that he feels like he’s taken his parents and replaced Ton’s entire existence. His guilt is complex - he believes he killed his brother, his cousin, his savior AND then took over that person’s entire life.

By separating the families in the show it also adds a degree of separation from the traumatic event. When Team goes home, yes his mom’s like “visit Ton’s grave”

But in the novel it’s go say hello to your brother, who’s room hasn’t been touched since the day he died minus the addition of trophies (which I think Team puts there). He also doesn’t visit his parents in the book, actively avoiding it until after he’s started therapy.

[chibipandaao3]

Team

While working on my final chapter for a fic - in which we go back to Team’s hometown and interact with more than just his parents - I discovered another aspect of why I love the character of Team so much.

We have about ten years between Ton’s death and Team meeting Win.

That’s ten years of Team’s trauma widening - or at least remaining constant. Ten years!

In both the book and show, he has a good (or pleasant) relationship with his parents - but they didn’t know the depth of his trauma.

His teacher told him he’d “get over it” and that it was simply “shock,” even his swim coach dismissed his hesitancy of getting in the water like it was nothing.

And let’s sit with that pool for a second. Team comes from a small town - even more rural in the book from my understanding, a plane ride away from university. Did he have to go back to that same pool everyday for swimming? Did he have to walk past the place where people gave up on Ton? Did he have to climb out of the ladder he’d clung to?

And what about classmates. How many of them spoke harshly or bullied Team for what happened? Because he was about 8 or so, so we know that children did. What rumors were started? What harsh words did he hide from his parents?

Because he hid everything, from everyone, until Win.

What I like about Team is that his story begins so long before the opening of the book or the show. His story of grief and guilt is so woven into his very being that hiding became normal. His complexity is amazing. And I hope one day I have a character half as interesting and deep as him.

[chibipandaao3]

I love that Team always tells his friends to get home safely and to let him know once they do.

It’s super cute, but it’s also really indicative of his trauma. His friends are very important to him, he’ll do anything for them, and he needs to know that they are safe. And that he’s done everything he can to keep them safe.

[chibipandaao3]

Absolutely pointless Between Us thoughts.

I do think that Win has had multiple sexual partners before Team. However, none of them have ever been in the swim club - because if they had Dean wouldn’t have made that a point when having the conversation with Win.

Win’s previous relationship were also short lived - 1 because we know that his previous partners have often broken up with him because “he’s too good” for them & 2 he more of less admits he’s never been in love before Team.

[chibipandaao3]

Hemp Rope/Between Us thoughts pt. 4 (spoilers)

I am a sucker for trauma and angst. It’s my absolute comfort genre - don’t psycho analyze me…

And as such one of my favorite sections in the novel is the reveal of Team’s past incident to Win. This differs greatly from the show and though I understand why (sorta) I wish they’d been more faithful to the source material — though I also do love the graveyard scene in the show which doesn’t happen in the novel.

Anyway, in the novel Win and Team are together and switch rooms based on who finishes school work/club activities later; this evening they are in Team’s room because Win is out late.

Things are going really well besides being in a healthy relationship, Team’s been told he gets to try out for the national team and generally both men are extremely happy.

Team gets back to his room and fully intends to stay up and wait for Win, but is exhausted and falls asleep.

Win returns to the room and thinks little of Team being asleep until he hears Team gagging and gasping for breath - which freaks him out and Win rushes over.

To clarify, in the novel Win knows about Team’s nightmares but has only seen one - at least that’s the only one written about. So he’s terrified seeing Team struggling to breath.

Team awakens straight into a full blown panic attack and Win does his best to help. Once Team has calmed down, Win asks if all his nightmares are like this horrified.

Team says no - and decides it’s time to explain.

The incident is very similar to the show’s depiction.

He wanted to go swimming - his brother was against it since there were no adults but they do anyway. During a race Team gets a cramp and panics causing him to breath in water. Ton gets to the other side then looks back and goes to help. He manages to get a barely conscious Team onto a ladder before going under himself. Cleaning crews notice the boys and get them out (start CPR on Ton) Team wakes up to his mother screaming for “her son” and Ton unresponsive - the ambulance gets there too late.

Team ends the story saying he’s always thought he should have been the one to die.

Win kinda loses it - terrified. Basically, saying no - it was an accident etc. He asks if Team has ever told anyone - Team says no, he tried to tell a teacher once but they wrote it off as shock. It was a whole year before he could even get into water again without freaking out.

Win asks about therapy, that he’ll help Team find someone that works, he’ll go with him if he wants, but that it’s something too big for Team to handle by himself.

Team agrees

Win goes to Dean and asks about the therapist he’d found for Pharm - Dean, who is so much more present in the book, is like “for Team” and then give it without further questions

Okay — that’s the recap — but see how much more nuanced and impactful that reveal is. The show does it fine, but is SO rushed. (Probably because it spends so much time on a particular side couple who thankfully doesn’t exist in the novel at all…) But especially since in the show the conversation with Team’s aunt happens literally at the exact same time.

In the book, it’s weeks (maybe months) later after Team’s found a therapist that works for him that he decides to visit his parents. He gets to start healing for months before being confronted with his family.

Anyway I love the novel haha

[chibipandaao3]

Between Us episode 10 thoughts

Loved that Win answered Team’s phone, that Team’s mom knew who he was, AND that Team’s parents 100% clocked their feelings for each other. I think it’s interesting because Team parents seem both very aware of Team and also very oblivious to him. All of which is likely directly related to the trauma of Ton’s death. Things connected to that event are blind spots - leaving Team with a very odd family. He’s supported but there are huge gaping holes that he has to navigate alone in the dark.

Not surprised one of them got sick - cliché though it is - for the record BEING IN THE RAIN DOES NOT GET YOU SICK. However, given their emotional states and the exposure their immune systems would have tanked a bit - so Win (who was already sick let me be clear - it’s a virus not rain) became symptomatic quick. It was cute to see Team caring.

I want more Pharm Team friendship!! I need it…I know there’s probably a lot in UWMA but I’m so meh on that show I skipped through the first 8 episodes and gave up….yes….I know….don’t say it. Maybe I’ll just have to write my own fics about them.

Dean, Dean, oh sweet Dean - you tried….I know you tried to help but putting people on the spot was just not the right way to go about it…

A? C? I don’t know whichever one you are, you are a good friend 😂 trying to make sure Team isn’t drunk - your hands are currently full however.

At least we know it will actually be resolved next episode. I get the frustration, but the whole thing feels super authentic. Team is a kid who has a past of trauma and incomplete parenting - based on his convos with Pharm, he hasn’t been in love before and Win was probably his first sexual encounter - then he over hears the swim trio basically say “don’t play with Team” and while there’s more to that convo he heard, Team insecurities have him stuck in the “toy” “play” and “fun” bits. And of course Win has shown Team how much he loves him - but Team is stuck on “Win’s nice and his actions often get misinterpreted for more than friendship” and Win hasn’t directly refuted that.

And Win is very similar. Things aren’t often his - does he understand his silence is causing problems? Yes - FINALLY. But he’s silence was also from a place of desperation and a desire to hold onto Team. We know Win’s never been in love before, he doesn’t really grasp how to go about it.

Lastly - Tul… lol well that’s one way of having the secret revealed - next episode - Waan, if nothing else, is lucky you knew who he was because Wiew is probably at school, Win’s likely off with Team somewhere, Mom is mostly MIA, and I don’t think Dad would check until Waan misses work. Though so help me….you call Win or an ambulance you do NOT drive there to help him……..I do not care if it’s a drama that would be stupid af