Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas!
Trying a new family dynamic with Jack
It was freezing. Jack knew that much. He was just thankful to be inside, even if it was on a cot on the ground in the middle of some gym that had been turned into a shelter. Jack held his boys close to him, covering them in the one blanket they had. A Santa had come in earlier, explaining to Jack that he was a volunteer who wanted to feel better about himself on the holidays, in so many words that is. Jack had just rolled his eyes and now he was holding the twins in his lap and hoping his baby brother was somewhere safe and warm, a good foster home that would give him presents and want to adopt him.
His sons were three now. All Jack wanted for Christmas was for them not to remember it when they grew up. He imagined he would have a good job by then, maybe even a great one, where they could stay in some penthouse in the sky, a big strong door to block out all of New York, or maybe even a ranch out west, like him and his little brother had always dreamed about.
Jack hadn’t had the best year. He’d tried to gain custody of his little brother and failed, almost losing his kids in the process and now here he was, out on Christmas Eve, Mike and Ike shivering slightly against him after a small meal people had donated to the shelter. Jack made sure they got more than him. He always made sure they did. They deserved more than him. He tried to be good. Maybe Santa would bring him something tonight. He had been wishing for things to get better for so long but it seemed like one thing after another just kept going wrong.
Then a little hand tugged on his sweatshirt. Jack sighed. “What is it, Mikey?” he whispered, running a thumb over the side of his child’s head. “If you don’t go ta sleep, Santa won’t come,” he mumbled, completely exhausted and unable to deal with another meltdown from the boy at the moment. He’d been having nightmares lately. It was Jack’s fault. He didn’t know why, but it had to be.
Mike sucked on his thumb and curled up closer to his twin brother. “Sing…” he lisped, his little fist curled into Jack’s shirt.
With a small shake of his head, Jack whispered back, “I can’t, baby, I don’ wanna wake anybody, we gotta be quiet.”
“Sing quiet,” Mike pleaded, tugging on Jack again as Ike laid his head on his brother’s chest.
So Jack sighed, tucking the boy’s in even tighter. “Okay, baby boy,” he muttered. “Close your eyes…” Mike did just that, relaxing more into the cot and the sweater that was fashioned as a pillow beneath his head. “H-have yourself… a merry little Christmas,” Jack whispered to him. “Let your heart be light… from now on, our troubles will be out of sight.” He did his best to keep himself from tearing up. Christmas had never been something warm or spectacular growing up, but Jack never failed to wish for some big Christmas miracle that would never come.
At least back then he’d had his brother. Now he was here, raising two little boys who were too precious for this world and he felt so lost and trapped and he wished every minute of every day that he could do better.
“Have yourself a merry little Christmas,” he continued to whisper. “Make the Yuletide gay… from now on our troubles will be miles away.” When Mike started to drift off, Jack sighed and kissed his head. “One day I’ll make it all true, babies,” he promised. “We’ll have a Christmas tree up to the ceiling and so many presents your little heads will spin. We’ll be in our golden days… you n’ me…”
And all he could do was pray for another Christmas miracle that would never come.
