Love Drought
pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader wc: +2.4k summary: The love of your life had been distant for the last few weeks, and reaching out for him had become harder and harder; the walls he had built around himself pushed you away. But they say true love is the greatest weapon to win the war against pain. Could that be enough to stop this love drought? warnings/tags: +18 MDNI. Angst, smut, fluff, hurt/comfort, no use of y/n, established relationship, relationship problems, self-hatred, porn with feelings, post-movie: Avengers: Endgame, p in v, oral sex (m), missionary position, unprotected sex, english isn't my first language a/n: Lemonade by Beyonce turned 10 years old a few days ago, and being one of my favorite albums by her i knew i had to make something to celebrate, and what a better way that going back to my roots and making a fic out of my favorite songs. main songs that inspired this fic: love drought, forward, all night by beyonce. I also took inspiration from the poem's extracts that appear in the visuals, and, honestly, from the whole album in general. beta read by w1nter-fairy and buckysdecaflove.
THIS WORK IS +18 MDNI. If you're a minor or an ageless blog and you interact with this work, you will be blocked !!
Read on AO3 | Masterlist and wips
Why do you deny yourself heaven? Why do you consider yourself undeserving? Why are you afraid of love? You think it's not possible for someone like you. But you are the love of my life. Love of my life, the love of my life, the love of my life
You were used to fighting foot and nail for the things that mattered to you. From the moment that you told Steve that you agreed to work with him and therefore the Avengers, fighting became second nature to you until it was etched in your bones.
If you wanted to live, you had to fight.
People around you had learned that lesson, too. Wherever you looked around you, there would be fighters. When you met Bucky back in Berlin after Zemo activated him, you noticed he was a fighter, too, a tired one — but a fighter at the end of the day.
Bucky had been a constant in your life since that day. You had decided to stay in Wakanda after the fight with Tony, watching over his inner war against his programming. He had joked once that you were like his shadow, always a few steps behind him, watching, always watching.
Until one day, he reached his hand back and told you that it was okay to walk beside him, as he watched over his goats.
“Are you afraid of me?” He asked that day, standing under the cover of a tree over the hill.
“No,” you replied, fast and secure.
He hummed, his eyes still trained on the horizon.
“Then why do you always stand far away?” His voice sounded unsure, afraid of your answer.
“I just wanted to give you space.” You explained.
“Why didn't you leave with Steve and the rest?”
“I didn't want you to be alone.” You said. “You don't have to fight alone.”
Finally, he turned to face you, finding that you were already looking at him.
“Thank you.” He flashed you a soft smile.
Since that day, you have stood side by side, helped him stay steady on his feet as he faced his inner demons, covered his six when Thanos’ army got to Wakanda, and when both had to navigate a world that had fast-forwarded 5 years without you both, you stayed together — somewhere between all of that, you fell in love.
When it was time to return to New York, you were with him, too, both getting back to a home that felt foreign. For you, as a forgotten Avenger, and him, after decades away from home, as the owner of his own body and mind. And you did that together, holding each other at night when the demons threatened to visit your dreams, nights that had become more usual than not; each on their own path of reclaim.
That was when you noticed that Bucky was retreating. As the months progressed, his hand hesitated whenever he reached for you, his touch didn't linger as much, and his lips stopped chasing yours after a kiss was broken. Sex became mechanical, just going through the motions until both came. He still held you afterwards, brief moments where his coldness cracked and allowed himself to kiss you, but after a few minutes, he rolled and faced the wall.
And then you noticed a pattern.
Each nightmare became a nail in the coffin of your relationship. Each time he woke up drenched in sweat, breath ragging, and confused, the next day you would find him further from you. Your love, that used to be an ocean, massive, a force to be reckoned with, and resilient, became a desert.
At night, you rested in your bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for him to come to bed, only to later find him sleeping on the floor of the living room, the TV still on as background noise — those nights became your new normal. At first, you teased him, joined him on the floor, and then lured him back to bed with your kisses and touch, but that was when he responded with a smile that reached his eyes, not the tight-lipped smile that promised to join you later.
You got used to sleeping alone.
You allowed yourself to lick your wounds. Enough time to feel the agonizing, sharp pain of your heart being broken in real time. You tried to be fair and understand him, even if he kept you in the dark about whatever was going on. You tried to be there, show him that you cared, but it was as if he was blind to your attempts to reach him.
It was killing you.
You knew that you both could survive this, whatever this was; you had fought over and over again out on the field, life itself had tried to pull you apart, and you won. This shouldn't be different, right?
Bucky was standing in the kitchen that morning. He hadn't seen you yet, so you padded your way to him to hug him from behind, wrap your arms around his waist, and bury your face in his back — just like you used to do. But before you got to reach your arms, he dogged you, stepping to the side in a swift motion.
That was when you noticed it.
The glove.
He never used his glove in the house. He never hid himself from you. It was an unspoken truth. The moment he crossed the door, the glove was always off.
Tears gathered in your eyes before you could stop them.
"What did I do wrong?" The question left you like a whisper. A question you had repeated in your mind so many times that it had escaped your lips without you realizing it. His head snapped at you, and then he froze.
"Tell me, what did I do wrong?" You repeated.
He called out your name, and that made you sob. When was the last time he said your name?
"Just tell me the truth, Barnes."
"It's not you."
"Then what's going on? Why do I feel you're miles away from me when we are breathing the same air?"
"It's not you." He repeated, turning his face to the side.
"Don't you dare." You moved closer to him, grabbing his face and making you stare at you. "Don't you dare hide from me." Your voice croaked. "Whatever you have to say, do it to my face."
His eyes were as clear as the sky, and the red around his eyes made them hypnotic.
"Just tell me. I can take it. Whatever it is, we're going to face it together. Just be honest with me. Please, my love." You begged.
"How are you so sure?"
"Because you and I are stronger together, we have survived together. Because we can move mountains, we can stop rivers from running, we can build empires for all that I care. We can do anything together, and because I love you."
He scanned your face.
"How can you love a monster?" His voice cracked.
There it was.
"You're not a monster. You're the love of my life."
He hung his head, resting his forehead against yours, an old habit of his. You almost smiled between tears.
"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. Monsters don't get a happy ending." He whispered.
You cupped his face and forced him to look at you again. With your thumbs, you brushed his tears away. "Let me prove it to you." You said, and pulled him to you, sealing your lips against his.
He held on to you like a lifeline, his strong arms carrying you and setting you over the counter as he deepened the kiss. You kept mumbling against his lips.
I love you.
Believe me.
Let me help you.
"It's not that easy." He breathed out.
"It never is."
"You can walk away, find someone better than me. Someone with a better past. Someone without blood in his hands." He tried to move his gloved hand from you, but you stopped him.
"I want you." You took his hand and removed the glove. "My hero, the man who had been fighting by my side since I met him." You brought his metal hand to your face and kissed his palm, before resting your cheek on it. "The man who tries to be better each day."
He stared at you with adoration.
What had he done to deserve you?
"It's gonna take time." He said.
"We have time." You assured.
"It's gonna be ugly."
You snorted, "I have seen worse."
"I'm still thinking that I don't deserve you."
"Then give me the chance to prove it to you." You smiled when you felt his fingers caressing your cheek. "Let me love you, all of you. The good, the bad. The pretty and the ugly. And in exchange, do the same with me. I've seen your scars, and you have seen mine. I have my own demons to deal with, but we can fight them together. "
He stared at you for what felt like an eternity.
And then he nodded.
The kiss that followed sealed his promise, his hands sneaked under your thighs, pulled you up with him, and blindly carried you to your shared bedroom. Once he was by the bed, he deposited you with care over the mattress, and let you pull him down with you, slotting himself between your legs.
After a few minutes of kissing, you pushed him on his back and started undressing him, going for his shirt first. Once his torso was bare, your lips found their way to his chest.
He called out your name breathlessly.
"I said, let me prove it to you." You mumbled, tracing his scars with your fingers and leaving kisses all over the scar tissue. "I love every single part of you."
He nodded and allowed you to continue your worship. Your fingers trailed down again, towards his growing bulge, still confined inside his pajama pants. You brushed your fingers over his bulge, teasing him, and making his hips jerk up.
"Sensitive much?"
"Shut up." He said, covering his eyes with his fore arm, unable to hide his grin.
"Make me." You mumbled and then shifted to place yourself between his legs, lowering until your face was hovering over his navel. Without removing your eyes from his face, your fingers found his waistband and pushed down, freeing his cock.
He sucked a breath the moment you took him into your mouth. His fingers dug into the mattress, stopping himself from grabbing you while you worshipped him.
Minutes later, he was panting, whimpering your name between curses, then his control snapped, and his hips jerked up to bury in your throat. You stared at him as he came, swallowing every drop of him.
You crawled over his body, moving up as he caught his breath, returning your attention to the spot where flesh met metal. This time, your kisses traveled far the border, following the pattern engraved on the smooth surface of his arm.
I love you.
You kept mumbling between kisses. He tracked every kiss with devotion, falling even more in love with every inch of his body that you covered.
Bucky reached for you a few minutes later, pulling you up and demanding the same treatment on his lips, undressing you until you were both bare. He kissed you before flipping you on your back, and swallowed your gasp as he pushed inside you, careful of not to crush you under his weight by resting his weight on his arms.
He kept his movements slow and deep, enjoying every second he spent with you wrapped around him, pulling slowly out of you until only his tip remained inside, and then snapped his hips against yours in a decisive move.
He then shifted his angle, making you feel him reach deeper and with more pressure against your sweet spot. Your legs locked around him, bringing him closer to maintain that angle. Your hands sneaked around him, gripping the muscles on his back.
You moaned his name, clenching around him, your body begging to keep him inside. Bucky leaned in, searching for your lips, and after kissing you, he rested his forehead against yours, keeping his eyes shut.
“I love you.” He mumbled once he opened his eyes to stare at you.
Tears gathered in your eyes. Hearing him say it out loud, voice raw with emotion, after what felt like an eternity, it made you feel as if you had finally come out from underwater, gasping for air, lungs burning in a sign that you were indeed still alive.
“I love you.” You said back, and with a blink, tears escaped from the corner of your eyes, leaving a trail behind from your eye to your ear.
Instinct took over, Bucky leaned and kissed you, at the same time, he shifted his weight and reached your face with his hand. Bucky broke the kiss and turned to look at his hand that was hovering near your temple, the vibranium contrasted against the sheets and your flushed skin.
You removed a hand from his back and placed your hand over his, guiding his hand the last inch so it could touch you.
“You won't hurt me.” You opposed against the voice in his mind, the one that echoed with self-hatred, doubt, and fear.
Bucky scanned your face and then nodded. He brushed the tears off with his vibranium thumb, and then cradled your face, pulling you into another kiss without removing his hand from you.
His hips grinded after each stroke, enough pressure and friction to make you arch against him as fireworks went off inside you. Your orgasm made you claw at him, your nails left red marks against his skin.
“I got you, baby.” He murmured against your skin, leaving open mouthed kissed on your neck. “You’re so perfect, always doing so good for me.”
His rhythm went erratic, fucking into you with the goal of staying inside home, your body echoing his desire, pulling him in until he filled you up.
His forehead found its place against yours again, panting and sweaty, but with a saccied smile on his face that reached his eyes.
You cradled his face, and with your fingers you traced the lines of expression that his smile caused. His blue eyes, obscured by his dilated pupils, stared at you with awe.
Pure unconditional real love.
"How I missed you, my love." You mumbled, brushing your nose against his.
If we're gonna heal, let it be glorious
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