#bia.

[happywebdesign]

https://www.buildinamsterdam.com/

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

July 7th, 2020 | Tuesday | 1:12 PM

It’s been 11 months since we ended whatever we used to have.

To be honest with you, I miss her. I miss her a lot. But the truth is that I don’t know how to talk to her again. I’m afraid if I ever try to reconnect with her I might fall in love again… And I don’t wanna make the same mistake of falling in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. Not again. Not the same person.

I know this feeling would be back because every time I see a picture of her, every time she answers one of my stories, comments on one of my posts, I have this weird feeling as if all the dead butterflies in my stomach are somehow struggling to try to come back to life. That’s how I know I would easily fall in love with her again. And that’s why I still keep my distance eleven months later.

It sucks to try to protect your heart from hurting again.

Love Always,

Bia.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Sunday, 10:14 PM. August 30, 2020

I feel so shitty right now. Let me tell you why.

I have friends all over the world and I don’t get to see the ones that live far from me as much as the ones that live in the same city or even country as I do.

Thrusday night, one of my closest distant friend (lmao) texted me “bia, i’m driving there tomorrow”. I was CONFUSED cause it was so out of a sudden; but I was happy, you know? It had been over a year since we saw each other so I was obviously excited to see her again.

Friday came and she got here. We made plans for Sunday afternoon, and well… I just got back from our day together. We visited a famous turistic place, ate some ice cream, walked through beautiful places and laughed a lot, just like we always do over text. She gave me a ride to my subway station before going back to her hotel. We said our goodbyes and parted our ways, uncertain of when we’ll see each other again.

So far so good, right? Right. The thing is; when I got home, we were texting about how nice the day was, made jokes about being in love with each other and never wantint to leave… when she said that it actually wasn’t a joke, she was in love with me and that any doubt that she had was gone by the end of the day. It completely took me by surprise. First because I was SURE she was straight, second because ???why tf would someone be in love with me???

I tried to process it as fast as I could so we could talk. You must know by now that I have a huge necessity of talking things out. I simply cannot move on with my life feeling like both parts haven’t come to terms. I just can’t. And she knows it, she knows I’m opened to talk and listen whatever and wherever. So that’s what we did, we talked. To sum it all up: she knows I don’t see her like that and she’s fine with it, she just wants me to treat her like I always have, and I agreed.

Now you must be thinking “but why are you feeling shitty haven’t it ended well?”. Yes it did, but I’m terrified of hurting her. I’m so fucking afraid of ending up doing to her the shit that A did to me. Of making her feel like this is too much for her to handle and scared of telling me she need time, of making her feel like this friendship hurts when it actually should be easy, joyful and fun. I’m scared she might feel like I did. I’m scared I’m gonna be A even tho I swored to myself I’d never do that to anyone, I’d never lead someone on, never feed someone else’s expectations when I knew I didn’t plan on fulfilling them. I’m scares because I love her. I love our friendship. I love what we have. And I’d hate to be the one to make her feel like this is too much. I hate to not be able to feel for her what she feels for me. I know it’s not my fault… but I can’t help feeling bad about it.

Love Always,

Bia.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Saturday, 11:43 PM. August 29th, 2020.

I jut found out she has a boyfriend or whatever he is. I mean how couldn’t she? It’s been a year, right? She would obviously move on since she never really liked me.

I can’t make sense of what I’m feeling, but this thing keeping replaying like a looping on my mind; that day when she said she didn’t wanna date, didn’t want a relationship, but if she did it would certainly be with me. Well, i guess I wasn’t good enough for the job, right?

I feel so fucking stupid right now.

Love Always,

Bia.

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It’s been a long time, right? How have you been? I hope life is treating you good. I graduated from college last year and I’m on my way to get my master’s degree! I know, right? Who would have thought lol life is actually pretty decent but I think I’m falling in love again after 3 years. A was the last one, although you probably don’t remember her, and I really thought it would take longer for me to feel something for someone again. But then she came around. Let’s call her Vanilla.

This time is different. I’m much older now and as opposed to the last time, Vanilla is older than me. This time I feel safe, I feel cared and I feel at home. It’s easy to be around her and sometimes I feel like a high schooler with butterfly in their stomach. She doesn’t see me like that despite all the jokes and flirty messages. For her we just have a very homoerotic friendship (her words) and sometimes I’m okay with that, but other it feels like the feeling will rip me open and walk out of my chest on its own like a living thing.

I’ll be back to tell you the whole story.

Love Always,

Bia.

[livingoffdreams]

i dont think ive ever cried so much in my life.

[fenopai]

“Mas muito mais sofrido do que estar com ela é não estar com ela.”