Finally found a minute to blog this morning, everyday i say i need to write and then one thing or another happens and i dont get the chance. Well last week my husband and i got into a pretty shitty argument he basically yelled at me for always fighting with my 3 year old- this of course was dumbfounding to me and sent me into an emotional wreck of tears.. I felt like i already feel guilty all the time for being basically the only one who disciplines her and in that moment i felt very mom shamed by him.. In my house i discipline and my discipline method is I AM THE MOM WHAT I SAY GOES ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT. I do not give my 3 year old options when i tell her to do something-shes 3. Shes started to do this back talking NO to everything which gets her sent to her room quite a bit, we are also both very stubborn soooo we bonk heads verrrrry frequently. Needless to say.. it was a terrible rest of the day and I kinda am not over it. Friday I got to go be a human with a bunch of ladies from the neighborhood, one of them had a happy hour, it was seriously the best time I have had in a very very long time, we laughed and drank and no one minute did i think about my family or the previous fight i had with my husband. Since Sunday I have been thinking of my sister again pretty much all day.. god wtf is wrong with me obsessed much!? some days i feel ok and i feel like iv totally let go of that emotional guilt and tie, but then something triggers it and i think of her..and miss her. She posted this thing about the scapegoat and how everyone is against her and siblings dont defend her and blah blah bullllllshit and it kind of pissed me off! First off no one ever ever talks to me about her ever like everyone is seriously avoiding the conversation with me because it makes me so emotional. Also her definition of defending and standing up for her is completely cutting off my family. period. wouldn't matter if i cussed everyone out and got into a physical altercation with my brother it wouldn't be enough. She also assumes everyone talks about her all day everyday-false. Shes very assuming i can feel it. if she knew that BOTH of my parents were pretty sad whenever i bring her up and that all my freakin mom talks about is her when she was a baby and tells me like a million stories of little things she did as a toddler, and that my dad literally hopes she texts him everyday. The only one who really doesnt give a shit about her is my brother. I also feel like she thinks I see everyone like everyday or talk to them everyday-false. My dad i talk to everyday have always done that. My mom every other and i see her maybe 2x a week and my brother meh once or twice a month we check in. So why couldn't i cut them off? I think going through therapy has taught me I dont have to do anything for anyone that I dont want to do. THIS IS MY LIFE. That im worth more then my relationships that i offer soooo much if you can just love me! Also i stand by the fact that I love her sons the way no one else loves them I find it extremely hard to believe that any of their other aunts and uncles care about them as much as i do.. ugh i miss them so much. I dunno Iv been finding myself getting so angry at her for CHOOSING to be out of my life..for leaving my girls..for not giving a shit about what this doing to me and my kids. But like she says shes not gonna settle for crumbs anymore- although every family picture i have in my home shows otherwise- well i think im not gonna settle for crumbs-not gonna settle for someone telling me who i can have in my life or should have or who can be around my kids. I see the way i embrace my parents being around my kids..iv had so many special moments lately since they both come over mondays for dinner i watch my dad play with the baby and my mom skate in the kitchen with izzy lol and for a minute i say these are the moments i wanted for my girls..I think both my parents have really gotten closer to my kids maybe remembering a time when they had 2 daughters.. Who knows.. maybe i give them to much credit.. i just never want to regret not spending time with them..even with their faults I know when theyre gone..theyre gone. Well I feel better.. Izzy is on spring break soooo gonna try and do as much as i can with both girls home. Lol should be fun. HAPPY SPRING!
