A/N- Ahhh! Like & Rb if you’re dying to know what happens next.
Billie’s POV
I lie awake, tossing and turning, unable to shut my eyes without the events from yesterday replaying in my head on a loop. My brain directed what I should’ve said or done differently, beating myself up deservingly.
I looked to my left, seeing Ellie fast asleep by my side. Her hair was neatly swept over one shoulder and her even breaths were barely perceptible.
Suddenly, the room lit up from my phone screen displaying a notification.
On the screen, a text from Remy. I squinted my eyes, turning down the brightness and reading the message.
Remy: I’m outside. Can we talk? 2:02am
My pulse stopped as I locked my phone.
Fuck.
I quietly got out of bed, careful not to wake the sleeping beauty, and shut the bedroom door behind me on the way out.
I walked down the stairs hesitantly, afraid of another fight. Afraid I’d have to make her hate me even more.
I looked down at my sweats and oversized t-shirt, sighing before opening the front door for her.
I crack the door open a bit, peeking through. There she was. A cold, miserable Remy, in distress.
I opened the door more, shocked at the image before me.
Her eyes were bright red and swollen too. Her face flushed, and her expression drowning in agonizing sorrow. Her long hair a mess, pushed behind her ears loosely. Not one speck of makeup on that damningly perfect complexion of hers.
“Remy, what are you doing here?” I asked, my brows softly furrowed.
“I need to talk to you.” Her voice was hoarse, like she’d been shouting for hours.
“What is it?” I stood, wanting to bring her inside, but my feet stuck on the floor beneath me. I couldn’t.
“Please, can I come in?” Her eyes pleaded, hopelessly anguished.
I closed my eyes, sighing, pinching the bridge of my nose with one hand and holding onto the door with the other. I tried to be firm. “Right now is not a good time, Remy. Ellie’s asleep, and-“
“Please, Billie.” Her little voice broke, causing my heart to crumple up and fall out of place, into my rib cage.
I caved, pulling the door open, allowing her to duck under my arm and walk inside. She walked into the living room and I followed behind, hesitantly.
She sat on the edge of the couch, watching me stand several feet away. I didn’t want to get too close.
“What is this?” I said, my voice low, keeping in mind Ellie was in the room above us.
“Please, just hear me out.” She breathed out. I could see her collecting her thoughts and paving out where to start.
I blinked slowly, my heart beating as fast as Remy’s foot anxiously bounced on the hardwood floor.
“I came to tell you I’m sorry. That it’s all my fault.” Her voice was shaky, almost a whisper.
Hearing her speak felt like knives carving every one of her words into my chest.
“Remy, I don’t want your apologies. I wanted you to hear me and see me back then. How many more times was I supposed to let you fuck me over.” I tried to be as quiet as possible. It was a mistake letting her in.
“Billie—“
I rubbed my arm up and down, trying to self-soothe. “I tried to get you to understand, I tried to wait and see if you’d keep your word, but you just kept on putting everyone else first! You don’t get it. I literally felt like the last thing on your mind, all the time. I felt invisible one too many times, especially when all I did was put you first, Remy. That killed me. I just wanted better for you, and you told me I was just obsessed with you. You painted me out to be some controlling piece of shit. I just wanted to take care of you!” All of it came out in one huge rant.
“I feel awful.” She looked down at her hands fidgeting in front of her. “You didn’t deserve that.”
She looked ashamed. Her soft demeanor about to break any second now.
“No, I didn’t.” I tried to be strong. I can’t cave.
She paused, silence filling the air for a long time.
“Remy, you should go.” I said softly, signaling towards the door.
“Please.” She looked up at me, sincere in all ways.
I sighed, giving her a single nod.
“I fucked up, I thought I could do it all, but it ended up burning me out. I burned myself out, pleasing everyone else. Everyone, but the person that loves me the most.” Her voice trembled as she spoke, bringing tears to my own eyes.
“Remy. Please, just stop-“
“No. I set out a goal to give everyone else what they wanted, and left you out. I didn’t fucking do enough, Billie, I should’ve just stopped to see what I was doing to you.” A tear dripped down her cheek, bringing her hand up, frustratingly, to wipe it almost immediately.
I could tell she was trying not to show weakness in front of me now. It broke my heart she didn’t feel safe enough to freely express her pain anymore.
I walked closer to her, standing by the couch, still a few seats away from her. I wanted to tell her she wasn’t completely at fault. That I took part in destroying us.
“Remy, we can’t just keep-“ I prayed she’d drop it, that she’d stop trying, all out of fear that I’d cave.
“Please, let me talk.” She stopped me. I sighed, listening to her desperate attempts at fixing our mess.
“You shouldn’t be here. This isn’t good for us.” I rubbed my face, feeling like I’d gone pale.
“It’ll be different this time. You’ll never feel alone again.” She pleaded.
“Remy— That’s not—” She cut me off.
“I don’t know what to do anymore. I know what you need from me now, but back then I didn’t see it. I was being selfish. I was angry, I was so angry.”
I felt heard, I felt seen. I felt validated. I felt a head-rush and became afraid I’d fall if I didn’t hold onto the couch. A sudden storm of emotions made my stomach turn. I wanted to throw up. Word vomit.
“I need you to leave. Now.” I pointed at the door, holding my stomach with one hand. My anxiety was turning me into a mess.
“I won’t. I’m not leaving you, I won’t let you push me away again.” She said, firmly.
God I wanted this to be a dream. I wanted to wake up and be in bed, next to Ellie. The one who had not hurt me yet.
“It was you who took care of me, made sure I had everything I needed, even when I gave you shit for it. Even when I tried to act like I could handle it myself.”
My eyes began to water.
“I always knew I’d have you, if one day I woke up with nothing. And- And I lost you. I actually have nothing now. I wake up every single day with nothing, because I don’t have you.”
That’s exactly how I felt too.
She began to let her tears stream down, not having enough hands to wipe them away. It was like an inflatable pool with holes in it and not enough pieces of duct tape to patch them up.
“I’m sorry that it took so long for me to realize that.” She sobbed. “I’m sorry that it had to come this far for me to realize that you were the only one who actually cared. You were right. About everything.”
I thought about what every one of her words meant, careful not to let them get to my head. I wake up every day feeling like I have nothing, because I don’t have every aspect of her. Her mind, her soul, her body… Her. I wonder what her version of having nothing meant.
Her sobs grew uncontrollable and they only broke to gasp for air. I ran to her, sitting next to her, afraid to touch her, as if she might shatter into a million glass pieces.
“I— I’m sorry, Billie—“ She cried with deep, convulsive gasps for air in between each word.
Her rugged breathing scared me, I scrambled with my words, nothing would come out.
“I love y-you, s-so much— I ruined e-everything! Please, please don’t hate me.” She put her face down, into her knees, hugging them tight. Ashamed to break down in front of me.
What did her love for me mean? What did she mean by love. I wanted her to love me in the same way I loved her, but I knew better than that.
For years, I toggled back and forth between wondering if it’s worth being loved to her extent. Even when I knew I wanted more. But each and every time, I told myself that whatever amount of love I get from her, is worth every last tear I could ever produce.
My eyes betrayed me. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Overwhelmed with emotion, I cried, audible ragged breaths leaving my mouth.
“Stop. No, no more. Come here.” I wrapped my arms around her shaking body, lifting her face, which was contorted in distress. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was torturing her.
“I’m s-sorry, please forgive m-me. I’ll do anything to show you how much I love-“
I spoke over her, cutting her off, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
Her gut wrenching cries muffled into my chest, vibrating my whole body. She shook in a panicked state, covering me in her tears.
I rocked her back and forth, my voice cracking with every word, my body and mind completely breaking down. “I love you, I’m right here.” I sniffed in, trying to keep snot in my nose.
I breathed in deep, taking in her scent. The same scent I spent nights dreaming about, only to wake up without. It felt like home.
“You’re everything I have. None of this matters if I don’t have you.” She whimpered hysterically.
“You have me. You have me. I’m sorry, Remy, this isn’t only your fault. I’m sorry-“
“No, I’m sorry, I’m the worst fucking-“
“No, you are not. You’re not.” I said firmly, squeezing her tight, emphasizing my words.
“So much has happened these last few months- and all I wanted to do was tell you.”
“I’m sorry,” I cried, “It just wasn’t the same anymore-“
“I know, I fucked everything up.” She tried her best to catch her breath but couldn’t.
“Listen to me. I need you to know something.” I pulled her on my lap, holding her tight. I brushed a hand through her hair, gently cradling her like a new born baby.
