Jump Off the Deep End
Rated T | 6.3k
Prompts: road trip, only one bed, bedsharing, motion sickness, midnight swim
Summary: Sometimes it takes a road trip with your meddlesome brother and his girlfriend to end up exactly where you want to be.
Unsteady
Rated G | 1.4k
Prompts: divorce
Summary: Dan finds out his parents are getting divorced.
Somewhere to Begin
Rated G | 944 words
Prompts: breakfast bar, writers choice- forever home
Summary: Dan and Phil bought their forever home, and Phil is reminded of the past.
By: pasteldnp
Rating: T
Length: 6.3k
Tags: road trip, only one bed, bedsharing, getting together, friends to lovers, roommates, motion sickness, alcohol, midnight swim, fluff, 2012
Summary: Sometimes it takes a road trip with your meddlesome brother and his girlfriend to end up exactly where you want to be.
Note: This is for the @phandomficfests Bingo 2019, fulfilling the promts Road Trip, Bedsharing, Only One Bed, Motion Sickness, and Midnight Swim. (See my card here).
summary: Dan feels like she’s not being authentic because she doesn’t look ‘queer enough’ so she decides to cut her hair
word count: 1,728
rating: t - teen
warnings: gender changes, gender roles, hurt/comfort brief mentions of homophobia
a/n: written for the @phandomficfests : bingo
prompts used: hair, writers choice (wlw)
thank you @obsessivelymoody for all your help <3
read on ao3
Dan had been standing in front of the mirror for what felt like ages. She passed the straightner in her hand through her hair again and huffed in exasperation. No matter how long she tried, no matter what products she used, it was always frizzy and not quite straight, and she really hated it.
Turning off the straightener, she shuffled into the lounge where Phil was slumped over her still-steaming cup of coffee. There was a full cup on the coffee table, presumably waiting for Dan.
“Wha’s wrong?” Phil asked, eyes still swollen with sleep behind her glasses.
“My hair is just annoying me.”
She hummed back in response. It was the ‘I haven’t had my required amount of caffeine so I’m not really absorbing what you’re saying’ hum. Dan shook her head fondly and sat down in her corner of the couch and brought the too hot cup to her lips.
-
After a handful of minutes, Phil sat her cup down and shuffled into Dan’s spot on the couch, wrapping her long arms around Dan’s waist.
“Why is your hair being stupid? I like it.” She pinched a still slightly wavy lock in her fingers and gave it a gentle tug.
“You’re biased though.”
Phil shrugged and gave it another pull. “So? Even if I wasn’t, I would still think it’s pretty.”
Dan squirmed away and batted Phil’s fingers away. “That’s not the problem. I don’t care if it’s pretty.”
It was a testament of their love that Phil didn’t look remotely bothered by her drastic mood change. She just sat back and little and waited patiently for Dan to get her thoughts in order.
“It’s stupid,” she said after a pause of silence. “It’s just hair. I shouldn’t get so worked up about it.”
Phil threaded their fingers together and pressed her lips to the warm backside of Dan’s hand.
“It’s not stupid if it’s something you care aobut. And you can change it, you know.”
Dan didn’t respond, just burrowed into Phil’s side and took a deep breath. She did know that she could cut her hair, but it wasn’t really that simple. For as long as she could remember, her hair was just a thing. A stupid thing, perhaps, but still a thing. She’d spend hours straightening it, just to have it frizzy and start to curl the second there was any type of humidity. People always told her it was pretty and so ‘ladylike’ and it made Dan want to tear it from her head.
-
They shot a gaming video that afternoon, and Dan could feel herself being weird and distant, and thanked her lucky stars that Phil was able to pick up her slack with an ease that made Dan’s heart melt a bit.
She spent too much time playing with her hair, trying to find a way to wear it that made her feel comfortable, and not stifled, like she was. It didn’t seem to matter though. She was hyper fixated on the way it was too heavy and too thick and made her feel claustrophobic.
Phil didn’t comment on it, just let Dan screw around and not pay attention to what they were playing as she pulled her ponytail out for about the fifth time and tried to rearrange it on her head again.
-
When they were finished and Phil had pulled on her headphones to start editing, Dan went downstairs to lay on the sofa. She flopped herself down and scrolled through her social media feeds. Twitter and Instagram were boring, so she switched to Tumblr to see if she could find enough things she liked to make a halfway decent queue.
After scrolling for a while, she started to feel more relaxed. Her brain wondered from subject to subject as her eyes drifted over post after post. It was easy to pass time this way that didn’t require a lot of brain power.
Her eyes drifted over a photoset of herself and Phil, some from the gaming channel, some from insta stories and various photos and gifs. It was cute and Dan started to scroll to like the post, when her eyes caught the addition someone had written after reblogging.
‘I just don’t see how anyone could think they are gay. like sure they are best friends, but i feel like it’s pretty obvious they are just friends. dan used to date a boy and phil talks about boys she used to date.
besides, they don’t even look gay? they don’t dress in rainbows and shit and they both look straight. stop reaching smh.’
There were plenty of follow up replies that Dan didn’t bother reading. She was aware that there were people who strongly believed that she and Phil were just best friends, and that they were both straight, but it felt like a slap in the face to have someone say that she couldn’t be queer because she didn’t look a certain way. What did that even mean? What you looked like had no bearings on who you were attracted to you.
She felt herself start to spiral; pulse picking up and chest becoming tight and uncomfortable. Abandoning her phone on the coffee table, she stood and moved to put as much space as she could between herself and the words of some homophobic stranger on the internet.
-
It was later in the evening; the sun beginning to set on the London horizon, and Dan found herself standing in front of the mirror again.
Phil came in, interrupting the tangled web of thoughts in her brain. She hopped up on the counter next to where Dan was standing and pulled her over so that she stood in between Phil’s legs.
“You okay?” She asked, threading her hands through Dan’s hair.
Dan shook her head and burrowed her face into the crease of Phil’s neck. It was warm there and smelled of the raspberry body wash she used. It helped calm the thrum of thoughts running rampant through her mind.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Phil asked gently. She was always so gentle and Dan’s heart filled with fondness.
“Just some twat on tumblr. They said they don’t think we’re queer because we look straight. Like how fucking stupid.”
She could feel Phil nodding. “That is stupid. Looks have no correlation on who you love.”
“I know,” Dan whispered into her shoulder. “Just makes me feel like a fraud or something because I’m not out, and I don’t look like I’m out. Or queer, or whatever.”
“Is there anything that would make you feel like you are? Like, I know it doesn’t matter, but if it’s something that matters to you, I’m sure there is something you could do.”
“I wanna cut my hair,” she blurted out.
She wasn’t sure when she’d made up her mind, or when the thought even entered her subconscious, but it was there, and out in the open now. No taking it back.
Phil paused for a second, before saying “Okay,” and moving Dan back so she could hop down and rifle through the drawers below the counter. She pulled out what she’d been looking for and set an old pair of scissors down in front of Dan.
Dan looked at the scissors and back at Phil. Confusion must have been written all over her features, but Phil shrugged and gave her a hopeful smile.
“What’s stopping you right?”
Dan shook her head, but still picked them up. “I don’t know how to cut hair. What if it looks stupid?”
“So? Phil replied. “It’s just hair, it grows back. Besides, we could always have Fabrice come by and fix it if you want.”
She considered it for a second. What was the worst that would really happen? Some asshole would say she looked like a dyke, but why was that a bad thing? People already suspected that she was some sort of queer (which she was) and that she was with Phil (which she also was). People wouldn’t say anything they weren’t already.
Taking a deep breath, she grabbed a chunk of hair and snipped it off.
As she watched the long strand of brown locks fall into the sink, she felt like she’d just lifted a giant weight off of her shoulders. She dragged her eyes up to see her reflection and liked how the strand was a little choppy and much shorter.
Dan looked over to Phil, who was wearing a wide grin - eye’s crinkling in the corners like Dan loved. It gave her another wave of braveness, so she grabbed another piece of hair and snipped.
-
By the time she was mostly satisfied with the length, she turned to Phil again and laughed a bit breathlessly. “I did it.”
“You did,” Phil replied.
She moved forward, and Dan expected a kiss or something of the sort, but Phil took the scissors out of Dan’s hand and started cutting her own hair.
Phil was a lot less meticulous about it - cutting off random chunks that left the finished product looking a bit like a black birds nest, but Dan loved it.
They put off cleaning up the mess to shower the lingering hair off of them. They took turns washing each other’s hair and might have gotten a bit distracted by the expanse of naked skin on display.
-
When they were finished and had stepped out of the shower, Dan took her place in front of the mirror and assessed herself again. Now that her hair was curly from the shower, it was even shorter, but Dan loved it.
It was choppy and messy and they would definitely need to have it fixed, but she already felt like a new person.
“What do you think?”
Phil titled her head to the side and stared for second before smiling again. “I like it. Suits you.”
Dan turned back to her reflection and nodded. It needed a little work, but she already loved how she felt. Like she’d been relieved of a giant burden she hadn’t even been fully aware she was carrying around.
“Needs some work, but I think it’ll do for now.”
And so what if she was thinking herself when she said that, because it was true. She wasn’t where she wanted to be, but at least now she felt like she was going in the right direction.
summary: '“Do you wanna go talk somewhere not so loud?”
Phil froze for a second. He’d never been in this situation before. A proper fit guy wanted to be somewhere alone with him, Phil Lester, of all people, and he didn’t quite believe it was really happening.
Words stuck in his throat when he tried to answer, so instead he tried to give an enthusiastic nod, which must have been convincing as Andrew stood and held out his hand for Phil to take.'
word count: 2926
rating: m - mature
warnings: uni phil, virginity, anxiety, panic attacks, alcohol
a/n: written for the @phandomficfests bingo 2019
prompts used: virginity, anxiety
beta by @fourthingsandawizard
read on ao3
The music was loud, bordering on overwhelming. The air was thick with smoke; primarily cigarette smoke, but Phil could spot two people huddled in the corner passing a joint back and forth which accounted for the skunky smell.
He felt out of place. It had been Ian’s idea to come to a house party full of people that Phil had either never met or only ever met in passing. The beer in his hand had long since turned warm and undrinkable, but Phil kept a hold on it to prevent everyone who saw him insisting he needed a drink.
Maybe he did, maybe that would help to alleviate the swarm of nerves in his stomach.
He took a pull from his beer and instantly wished he hadn’t. It was just as warm and off putting as he expected. Ian finally pulled his attention away from the blonde girl he’d been chatting up and gave Phil a small, comforting smile.
“Let’s get you something else to drink.”
-
Phil followed morosely to the kitchen, wishing he was brave enough to ask if they could leave, or brave enough to talk to the other people there. He wasn’t, though, so he stood by silently as Ian poured a healthy amount of Malibu into a cup and topped it off with a little bit of Coke.
“Here, this is probably more your speed than beer.” He took the warm beer out of Phil’s hand and chugged it down without even a grimace.
Phil took a sip and felt the sting of alcohol down his throat, but found the drink wasn’t half bad.
“Thanks.” He took another drink and felt his cheeks start to flush, and everything seemed a little less intense than it did before.
-
After following Ian back into the crowd, Phil flopped himself down onto the sofa where there was a tiny spot not occupied.
There was a girl to Phil’s right who had faded blue hair and a lip ring who said hi when he sat down. He smiled shyly and took another sip of his drink after saying hi back.
“I haven’t seen you before, are you new?”
Phil nodded, his cheeks even more red now. “It’s my first year at uni.”
It wasn’t anything to be ashamed about, but he always hated the understanding smile everyone gave him when they found out it was his first year. It felt patronizing, but Phil just smiled and listened to her talk about her courses while sipping more of his drink.
-
When his cup was empty, he stood and made his way back into the kitchen. The anxiety and nerves from earlier had long since dissipated, and he felt warm in a way he usually only felt when his mum would let him have a glass of wine with dinner, but dialed up by ten.
He poured what was probably too much Malibu into his cup and looked around for a mixer.
“Anything I can help you find?”
Phil turned towards the voice and saw it was the guy that Ian had introduced him to when they’d first arrived. Andrew, Phil thought his name was. He nodded politely and asked where the Coke was.
“There should be some in the fridge, let me look.”
Phil stood rooted in his spot and his eyes trailed after him.
He’s good looking,” Phil thought, but in a distant sort of way. The Malibu was definitely affecting his brain, but when Andrew walked back and cracked open a new can and poured it slowly into Phil’s cup, holding eye contact as he did so, Phil decided to let his brain stop making all the decisions.
“Thanks,” he said quietly.
They stood holding eye contact for a moment before they both broke it and looked away; the blush staining Phil’s cheeks was mirrored in Andrew’s.
“Do you wanna go sit down?”
Phil nodded and followed him to the couch he’d just been sitting at, now blissfully empty of the couple who’d been making out aggressively next to him. The blue haired girl was still there, but she barely gave Phil more than a glance as they sat down.
“Are you a first year like Ian?”
Andrew’s eyes were a pretty bright green that Phil felt almost transfixed in. It took him a second to realize that he’d been asked a question.
“Oh, yeah, I am. Sorry.” He waved his hand vaguely to indicate that he just wasn’t quite all there and it made a smile appear on Andrew’s face.
“How are you liking it?”
He shrugged, not sure what there was to really say. His classes were okay, but he missed his mum and felt pathetic for it. He missed food that didn’t come from a packet or needed a microwave to make. He missed his own bed and not having to do his own laundry.
“It’s okay,” Phil answered eventually.
“First year is always a bit shit. It gets better, though, don’t worry.” He bumped their knees together and Phil felt himself flush. Blood was rushing through his body to his cock over a tiny brush, and he’d never felt more like a virgin than in that moment.
“You’re cute.”
Phil wasn’t expecting that, so he turned to the boy beside him and felt his face convey his confusion.
Was this really cute guy really flirting with him? Maybe he was just too drunk to not realize that there was someone sitting next to him that Andrew was actually talking to.
“Me?!” He pointed to himself, checking the empty spot next to him just in case.
“Of course, you.” Andrew’s laugh was nice and reminded Phil of the wind chimes out on the porch at his grandma’s house.
“I think you’re cute, too.” The words came easier than they probably would have if he weren’t two cups of rum down.
“Do you wanna go talk somewhere not so loud?”
Phil froze for a second. He’d never been in this situation before. A proper fit guy wanted to be somewhere alone with him, Phil Lester, of all people, and he didn’t quite believe it was really happening.
Words stuck in his throat when he tried to answer, so instead he tried to give an enthusiastic nod, which must have been convincing as Andrew stood and held out his hand for Phil to take.
If it were anywhere else and there wasn’t liquid courage running through his veins, Phil probably wouldn’t have taken it. He did, though, and felt his cheeks redden when Andrew gave him a dazzling smile.
-
There was only one bedroom not occupied when they got upstairs, and Andrew was quick to slide in and lock the door behind them. Phil’s face must have betrayed him, because Andrew lifted his hands up and stayed where he was next to the door.
“I promise I won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. I really did just wanna talk.”
Relief and disappointment warred in Phil’s head, but he gave him a small smile and patted the spot next to him on the bed.
“I didn’t mean to come off pushy or anything.”
“No, you’re not,” Phil told him, shaking his head. “I’m just nervous.”
“Nervous?” Even in the dim light of the lamp in the room, Phil could still see how green his eyes were. Why had Phil never appreciated what a nice color green was?
“Yeah, I just -.” He wasn’t sure how to proceed. Should he really be telling a guy he just met that he was still a virgin and had only kissed two girls, which he hated both times, because they were distinctly female, and that was something that Phil knew right away that he didn’t want. He wanted something that he’d kept a secret from himself and other people for so long, sometimes he assumed it would always be that way.
“I’ve just never been to a party before, really.”
That wasn’t the whole thing, and he got the feeling that Andrew understood.
“They aren’t all they're cracked up to be, but this one has probably been my favorite one.”
“Oh?” Phil cocked his head to the side and waited for him to explain.
“I met you tonight.”
There was just enough light in the room that Phil could see a flush cross his face, and it made Phil feel braver than he probably ever had been.
He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the smile on Andrew’s face.
There wasn’t even time to panic that’d he’d fucked things up before Andrew was winding his arms around Phil’s waist and bringing them closer together.
-
They kissed until Phil’s lips were tingling and he was so hard he wanted to cry. He wasn’t brave enough to do more than follow Andrews gentle ministrations, so when they were suddenly leaning back on to the bed, Phil went with it.
“Is this okay?” Andrew asked, body hovering over Phil’s.
“Please.” He didn’t even have enough time to worry about how whiny and pathetic he was probably being before he felt the hot press of Andrew’s erection against his thigh.
Phil’s cock was already hard and aching and the feeling of another man’s cock so close to Phil’s was enough to make him worry he’d blow his load before anything real even happened.
Andrew’s mouth caught his again and they kissed and kissed until Phil thought he might die if he didn’t come soon. Rutting together was good and definitely getting him there, but Phil wanted more. He wanted confirmation that he liked boys, and they liked him back, and he didn’t want to miss an opportunity like this.
“Will you fuck me?”
He wasn’t sure where his bravery had come from; the alcohol he’d consumed was probably still taking up space in his body, but his head felt fuzzy for a reason other than sugary booze.
“Are you sure?” Andrew looked nervous, but there was something eager in the flush of his cheeks and the brightness in his eyes.
“Yeah. Do you have like-.” He stopped, bravery gone. Why could he asked to be fucked but couldn’t manage to ask if someone had a condom and lube.
“Yeah, yeah. Hold on.”
He rolled off of Phil and started digging through the nightstand to the right of them.
“Uh,” Phil started, not sure how to ask if it was okay that Andrew was rifling through someone else’s stuff, but Andrew threw him a smile and a wink.
“Don’t worry, it’s my room.”
Phil looked around and now that his mind wasn’t entirely consumed with getting off, he could see a few pictures of Andrew scattered around the room. It made him feel nostalgic for home, but he didn’t get much time to dwell on his homesickness before his eyes were drawn to Andrew stripping off his shirt.
His tummy was a little soft and he had a little more chest hair than Phil did. His skin was pale where he pulled off his jeans and a peak of his tan line was visible beneath the waistband of his pants.
“Wow.”
Andrew didn’t laugh at Phil’s absence of eloquence, just tossed what he’d gotten out the drawer on the bed next to Phil and took his place back on top of Phil, bringing their lips back together.
-
It took some time, but eventually they were both in just their pants, and grinding into each other had long since stopped being enough.
Andrew slowly peeled his pants down and Phil could feel butterflies swarming his belly.
No one had ever seen him naked like this; at least, not anyone who counted.
Andrew counted, though, because he was taking it in his hand and pumping his fist up and down, and Phil thought he’d died and went to heaven all at once.
“Fuck. You have a proper nice cock,” Andrew said, making Phil’s eyes that had fallen shut open back up.
“No,” Phil protested, voice gone breathy under his ministrations.
“Trust me, I’ve seen quite a few cocks, and yours truly is something special.”
Phil wasn’t able to reply because suddenly there was a warm, wet, heat around his cock and he distantly thanked his lucky stars that he didn’t come right that second.
“Stop, stop, stop,” he panted, shoving back at Andrew’s shoulder.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“I’m just close,” he breathed, cheeks getting even more red.
Andrew didn’t respond, just clutched the base of his cock like he might come soon, which seemed crazy to Phil that somehow he was making someone so turned on they were afraid they’d come.
“Can it be your turn?”
Andrew was nodding before Phil really got the sentence out, but it made him giggle and that helped take some of the pressure that’d he’d been feeling off of his shoulders.
-
It was probably obvious that Phil had never done this, but Andrew didn’t seem to mind. He moaned and whined and when Phil swiped his tongue over the tip of his cock, Andrew threaded his fingers in Phil’s hair and gave a tug that had his own cock dribbling another spurt of precome.
He pulled off and tried to catch his breath. His jaw ached even though it had only been a short amount of time. Andrew looked absolutely wrecked and Phil felt a wave of pride move through him that Andrew was that worked up over what he was doing.
“Ready?” Andrew asked once he caught his own breath.
“Yeah.”
Phil laid down and tried not to let it show how nervous he was. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do it, because he did, but it was also his first time and even though he’d never really let himself think of what his first time would be like, he was having a hard time relaxing enough to let it happen.
“We don’t have to,” Andrew whispered.
He was sitting up, kneeling just above Phil, and though Phil didn’t doubt the sincerity in his voice, it didn’t seem to matter because Phil’s heart was racing and his hands were shaking and there was a panic attack working its way through his entire body, taking a hold of his brain and not letting go.
Andrew got off the bed and Phil watched without really seeing has he pulled his clothes back on.
Phil fully expected him to leave and let Phil deal with his shit brain by himself, but he gently pressed his hand to Phil’s shoulder and whispered for him to sit up. He did so without much thought and felt Andrew pull his shirt over his head.
Slowly, and without much help from Phil since he was still in the middle of an episode, Andrew dressed him until he was just as he had been when they’d entered the room, just sans shoes.
-
It took awhile for Phil to calm down, but when he did, he felt like the world’s biggest baby and couldn’t stop the tears that started to steam down his face.
“I”m sorry,” he sobbed into this hands, partly wishing that Andrew had left so he wouldn’t see what a mess Phil was.
“It’s okay,” he uttered softly, gently placing an arm around Phil. Phil leaned into it and let himself be comforted for the moment.
“The first time is always scary.”
He could protest, say that it wasn't that he was a virgin, that he was just nervous for another reason, but the words died on his tongue.
“I’m not out to anyone. I never really thought I’d be in a situation like this.”
He could feel Andrew nod in understanding. “That’s shit, I’m sorry.”
Phil just hummed in agreement and burrowed a little closer into his chest. He wanted to remember what it felt like to hold and be held by someone.
-
They didn’t stay upstairs much longer. Andrew pressed a kiss to Phil’s temple when he was calm again and led him downstairs.
They didn’t hold hands, didn’t kiss goodbye when they got downstairs; Phil left to find Ian and Andrew moved back towards the kitchen. There was no exchange of numbers or emails, but that was okay.
Once he’d located Ian and told him he was going home, he headed straight out the door and into the chilly October air.
His thoughts were a mess of regret and anxiety and a bit still caught up in the way Andrew’s hands and mouth had felt. It left a tangled mess of thoughts, but Phil did his best to ignore it.
He’d only made it a few feet towards home when he heard a yell behind him. Turning, he was surprised to see Andrew running after him.
“What’s up?” Phil asked lamely, not letting himself hope what he thought was happening really was.
“I wanted to get your number. I meant to ask for it before you left, but I couldn’t find my phone and then Ian said you left so I-.”
Phil stopped him with a kiss, letting himself not care that they were outside in public where anyone could see. Instead he basked in the groan that left Andrew, and when they both backed up, they were wearing matching grins.
“Give me your phone,” Phil said softly.
He entered his number into Andrew’s phone and handed it back. “Thank you for tonight.”
Andrew’s answering smile was dazzling and he nodded enthusiastically. “Can I take you out for a proper dinner sometime?”
“I’d like that.”
-
Phil left a few minutes later, a new contact in his phone and a date next weekend to look forward to.
