Discover Top Posts Tagged with #biphandomnetwork

Saying Yes Has Always Been Easy

Summary: On softly lit nights Phil will kiss Dan and hold him tight. But that’s only temporary. And Phil will leave Dan with words that feel like poison. (Or in which Dan is a writer, Phil is an artist and they’re friends with benefits)

Word Count: 13k (heck yeah!)

Warnings: smut (blowjobs), mentions of cheating, swearing, dubious consent (it is consent but Dan is unhappy about saying yes because he’s unhappy with being friends with benefits)

A/N: So I was working on something completely different but this happened instead, so here’s a poetic friends with benefits thing because that’s some of my favourite fic things combined :) Thanks to @mostlikelyprocrastinating for betaing and adding all the commas <3

based on this post [x]

read on wattpad

If Dan was certain of one thing, it was that Phil was the words that poetry was made of. He was skin carved out of marble and eyes so blue that you felt as though you were drowning. You felt as though you couldn’t breathe if you were ever lucky enough to be the person he chose to look at with those big blue eyes that were really shades of blue and yellow mixed along with the blue that so many people often simplified the description to. But Dan was never the type of person to simplify beauty.

Phil was a painter. Or more importantly Dan’s best friend, but when it was time for introductions, the painter part tended to come first. Phil painted large canvases with swirling colours as vibrant as his eyes or soft clouds of cotton candy that you wanted to reach out and touch they felt so close. It was that same paint that always ended up splattered across both of Phil’s arms and speckled on his face. Colourful freckles that seemed as permanent as his normal ones, only these were always changing spots.

That wasn’t to say that everything Phil did was brightly coloured; and Dan would be the one to know. Because at night, when they were in their shared flat with the lights soft, Phil was a certain darker type of beauty. One that would convince Dan to sleep with him, and that it would be the last time. No strings attached, just one last time. They would both be dating someone else soon, Phil would say, this was just to get each other off. Friends helping each other out.

When Dan wrote about those nights, the frustrated words were most often torn out of his notebook and thrown away before anyone could see them. But he would always have to write them because Dan was a writer just as much as Phil was a painter, and he had gotten into the habit of having to write down emotions. Otherwise, they would begin to eat him alive. Especially when they were emotions as dark as those of the softly lit nights.

it seems wrong

that dim lights

and soft touches

could be things of anger

It was part of the routine, actually. On the nights when they were much closer than friends should be, neither went to bed right afterwards. Dan always had the words that ran off of his hands onto the paper, and Phil always had paint that dripped from his paintbrush onto canvases. They were artists who normally took inspiration in their feelings, but these feelings were much too confusing to actually make any art out of.

it won’t bite

hurt

the same in the morning.

-

in the sunlight

the pain seems less

real.

-

when you forget how bad

it hurts

that’s when

it can happen so easily

again

That was why the next morning, when the softly lit nighttime had been replaced with glowing morning sunlight, the art was hidden. Or at least Dan assumed Phil was hiding the countless canvases that he knew had been painted during such nights. Dan knew that he at least had a habit of throwing out the words at first. But then this begun to happen often and throwing out everything, not matter how dark the words, seemed like a waste. So Dan began a new notebook for the nights that felt almost poisonous and tried not to think too hard about how if they continued like this, Dan didn’t know how much longer he could last.

That’s not to say it was all bad - because it certainly wasn’t. Most of the time Dan took inspiration from Phil’s marble skin and his kaleidoscope eyes, and everything would be okay. Phil would paint Dan writing when they were both sat in the same room creating their respective forms of art. And then later, Phil would have flecks of paint that matched Dan’s skin tone decorating his own. Oftentimes it was the best thing to be flatmates with someone who understood the flow of creativity, and the way they coexisted was easy.

Today had been one of those days. They had spent most of the sunlit hours creating. Dan was working on a book that was due to his publisher soon and Phil was working on a commission for one of his regular clients. Somehow they had both lucked out enough that they were able to make enough money from the things they loved to live comfortably. Of course it was due to a lot of hard work that they had both gotten so good, but there was a certain air of luck that made them both feel incredibly lucky to be in the position that they were.

But as the sunlight hours began to fade, Dan began to dread what might happen next. Because the problem was he could never say no to Phil. And he didn’t want to. Even though he knew that afterwards he would feel terrible. It was just that when he was allowed to kiss Phil, to touch the smooth skin he had spent so long writing about, Dan could pretend. Pretend that they were together and that they were boyfriends having sex. Instead of the complicated mess of a friendship tied into other messy feelings that they actually had.

“How’s your writing going?” Phil eventually broke the silence that had long settled over them while they worked.

“Good,” Dan replied quickly, because that was the automatic response. “Or actually, I’m not sure,” He thought before adding on. “I’m having a bit of writer’s block.”

“Yeah me too,” Phil admitted, “or more of artist’s block I guess.”

Dan braced himself for what Phil would say next.

“Do you want to maybe, fool around a little?” He said exactly what Dan had been expecting.

I don’t know Phil, this whole just fooling around when you feel like it isn’t working for me, Dan said. Or at least that’s what he wanted to say. Instead, Dan spoke aloud what he knew he was going to say before Phil even asked. “Sure,” because that was what he always said. As much as Dan would hate to admit it, he could never say no to Phil. Fooling around was better than nothing, and if it was all that was going to happen, Dan would take it. Even if it was slowly tearing him apart.

saying yes has never been

easier

saying no has always been

impossible

So with Dan’s permission, Phil set down his paint palette and walked over to where Dan was sitting on the couch. “It’s just for tonight, yeah?” He said as he extended a hand to pull Dan up.

“Of course,” The words felt thick on Dan’s tongue as Phil began to pull him towards his bedroom. And as much as he hated it, Dan could feel himself getting excited, because every time with Phil was so good. It was never until after that he really regretted it.

it’s hard to think of after

when in the moment you

pull me close

and everything

in those moments

feels good

-

saying yes has never been

easier

Sex with Phil was a list of emotions and feelings that Dan always tried to catalogue. That helped to remove himself from the situation slightly, as he tried to focus on listing everything so he could remember it later. So he could call up the information, should he ever need it for writing. And of course there was also the idea that this might be the last time he was ever allowed to see Phil in this way. When Dan was the one who made him moan and got to see his face when Phil was in so much pleasure that he stopped paying attention to his expression.

this may not be

forever

but I hope I never

forget

“Are you okay, Dan?” Phil interrupted Dan’s ever racing thoughts because they had got to the bedroom and Dan was still off in his head. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Phil made sure to say, he always made sure that Dan didn't’ feel pressured into anything. “It doesn’t mean anything, yeah? Don’t stress.” He tried to make Dan feel better.

“Yeah, I know,” The younger man replied, “It’s just…” He almost said something, “Nevermind. It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I just really want to kiss you,” Dan smiled, and made sure that his tone was light enough for the situation. And that it didn’t give away how much all he really wanted to do was be loved.

words are impossible

they’re not what you want to hear

so they die

unspoken

-

saying no has always been

impossible

“Me too,” Phil smiled back, pressing the first kiss to Dan’s dimple. “I want to kiss you all over, love.”

There it was, the nickname that only appeared in situations like this. Where Phil would call Dan ‘love’, and Dan would blush and try not to think about what that word really met. But for now all it meant was that their lips were connected properly this time, and Dan could feel his heart beating quickly in his chest.

“What do you feel like doing?” Phil asked as his began to kiss down Dan’s neck sucking lightly on all the right places that ordinarily only a proper boyfriend would know.

“Mm,” Dan only hummed in response at first, because Phil kissing along his neck wasn’t allowing for very much thinking and he couldn’t quite piece together words. It wasn’t only Phil leaned back to look Dan in the eyes that he managed to form a reply. “Blowjobs?”

“Sure,” Phil quickly agreed. That was what they did most times as it was a mutual understanding that oftentimes blowjobs were preferable to actual sex. They weren’t as dangerously close to crossing the line of between friendship and something undeniably more.

Phil leaned back to take off his shirt then, and Dan went to take his own off. It was things like that which reminded Dan that they weren’t dating. Since they did things like each taking off their own shirts off due to efficiency and this was all towards the goals of getting off.

Yet the mood wasn’t spoiled for long, as soon Phil was leaning forward to kiss Dan again and Dan found himself thinking about how absolutely wonderful Phil was at kissing. They had yet to make it to the actual bed, so they stood making out and pulling each other closer. Dan reached a hand to palm Phil through his jeans and found that Phil was already most of the way hard. That was something at least; Dan wasn’t the only one incredibly turned on just by getting to be close.

“Someone’s excited,” Dan couldn’t resist teasing.

“Only for you, love,” Phil replied in a tone dripping with sarcasm as he began to grind their hips together, pushing Dan’s hand out of the way.

It was the nickname again, and a tone that would imply that this was anything but serious, but it made it easy for Dan to pretend.

“These can go now, yeah?” Phil ran his fingers along the tops of Dan’s jeans, his permanently cool fingers ghosting across his skin there.

Dan responded by undoing the button and beginning to take them off. At that Phil went to work at trying to squirm out of his own skinny jeans as well until they were both left in only their underwear.

It was then when one of the moments happened. One of the moments that Dan loved so dearly and were the major reason that he always said yes. It was one of the moments where everything felt absolutely real.

The jeans had been abandoned, thrown onto the floor in various corners of the room. Phil’s fringe had fallen in front of his eyes and when Dan moved close to him again, he reached forward. It was with slightly shaking hands that Dan reached to tuck the hair back into place, as delicate as he could possible be. As if Phil was made of the porcelain his skin so closely resembled.

As Dan was pulling his hand away Phil grabbed his wrist, “You’re shaking,” The black haired boy said as a gentle observation.

“You’re the artist; you’re the one who needs steady hands,” Dan tried to laugh it off. “I just need to be able to type.”

“Don’t be frightened, love,” Phil pressed a kiss to the smooth skin on the inside of Dan’s wrist before letting go. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I know,” Dan looked at Phil through his eyelashes as he really didn’t want to be having this conversation after Phil had already made him incredibly horny, “I want this.” More than you know.

“Just making sure,” Phil smiled a soft smile that was so genuine Dan felt like he was melting. Everything felt real in that one moment, and that was why Dan let himself be pulled in every time.

But then, as they always do, the tender moment passed, and Phil was pulling Dan against him and beginning to grind through even less layers of clothing than last time. And it felt really fucking good.

As they moved towards the bed, half tumbling onto it, Dan’s hands moved to run over Phil’s chest, earning as gasp when his fingers skimmed across his nipples. Phil’s skin was always so smooth, and Dan loved being able to touch it. He was close enough that he could see the paint flecks that littered Phil’s forearms and the couple that had escaped onto his face. They were colourful freckles across the blank canvas that was Phil’s pale skin and Dan thought nothing could be more beautiful.

“You’re so beautiful,” Dan absentmindedly mumbled aloud as his hands began to trail lower.

Phil inhaled sharply at Dan’s words, and opened his mouth as if to protest, yet before he could Dan’s hands were sliding under the waistband of Phil’s underwear and any refusal of Dan’s words was replaced with moans.

Dan’s hands ghosted over everything, without ever applying any pressure and Phil would probably would have protested if it was anyone else. But Dan wasn’t the only one who had fallen so deeply into this relationship and Phil loved anything Dan did. Even when all he wanted was Dan’s hands on his cock.

It wasn’t much longer before the underwear was gone too and Dan was moving downwards, trailing open mouthed kisses down Phil’s body. His hands were playing with Phil’s nipples again as his mouth began to mark blossoming purple marks on the insides of Phil’s thighs. And as much as it was tortuously slow, Phil didn’t want it to end.

“You doing okay?” Dan leaned back for a moment, smirking as he looked up at the older man who was so barely keeping himself together.

“Fine,” Phil tried to sounds insulted that Dan had asked, but the breathy quality to his voice rather ruined that impression.

Luckily Dan decided to stop teasing then, and instead wrapped his hand around Phil’s cock, moving quickly over it a few times before removing his hand and replacing it with his mouth.

Phil was fairly certain that Dan’s talent in life other than writing must be giving blowjobs. Because the second Dan’s lips were wrapped around his cock, Phil was already struggling to keep from jerking his hips forward. Dan knew exactly how to make him desperate, running his tongue across Phil’s slit, and his hands reaching all the places his mouth couldn’t.

Dan was pretty fond of giving blowjobs too. Or maybe he just loved watching Phil’s skin fade into red when Dan made him flustered. And the feeling when Phil wound his fingers in his hair and pulled him closer. He loved the way that it was things he did that made Phil feel so much pleasure. He loved that he was the person allowed to do that.

“Dan,” Phil moaned, the name repeatedly slipping from his mouth, “You feel so good.” He added on, as Dan continued to make all the correct movements and make everything so much better than it really should be.

Phil’s compliments caused Dan to moan, they almost always did, and the vibrations around Phil’s cock served to add even more sensations.

“I’m getting close,” Phil said, his words shaky, after only a few more moments.

Dan responded by speeding up all his movements slightly, applying the extra bits of pressure that he knew from experience were all that Phil would need to push him over the edge.

Sure enough, Phil’s face soon contorted in pleasure as he released into Dan’s mouth. A mixture of expletives mixed with Dan’s name repeated as Dan worked him through his high, swallowing around his cock. In that moment, Phil looked so beautiful that Dan was sure words would never be able to replicate everything he had seen.

“Come here, love,” Phil interrupted Dan’s thoughts as he pulled him up on the bed. “That was really good,” he said, still slightly breathless as he began to jerk Dan off.

Dan sighed in pleasure as Phil’s hands wrapped around his cock, and let his head drop to rest on Phil’s shoulder as he tried to enjoy the sensations he had been craving.

“Do you want-” Phil began to offer something more.

“No,” Dan quickly interrupted, “Just like this, this is good.”

So Phil continued to jerk Dan off and relish in the small moans that would occasionally slip from his lips even while desperately trying to stay quiet. The softly lit nighttime wrapped around them and for a moment their worlds were only each other. Phil spoke glowing words meant for only Dan’s ears, and Dan couldn’t help but moan when he reached his climax, spilling over Phil’s slowing hand. Afterwards both of them felt so incredibly wrapped in pleasure that they could hardly bear to move; so they didn’t.

That was almost guaranteed to be part of the deal really, the cuddling after. Because not only had the getting each other off been something started when they had both been slightly tipsy one night, but Phil had also confessed that he oftentimes liked cuddles more than sex in a relationship. Dan had quickly agreed, so it had become accepted that if they were going to get each other off they were going to have the post-sex cuddles too. It was much better that way than one of them having to go off to a cold bed.

Phil always made sure Dan was clean and would get up to get the underwear for both of them. Sometimes Dan would get up to brush his teeth, but they were still under the spell of the softly lit nights, so he would be able to come back to bed afterwards. It was as if they were an ordinary couple.

Dan would lie with his head on Phil’s chest listening to his steady breathing and they would relish in each others warmth and proximity. They might try to begin to sort through the emotions that would later make their way onto the respective paper or canvas, but mostly they would just enjoy the little things in those moments shared afterwards.

Like Phil running his fingers through Dan’s hair, much more gently this time, untangling the soft strands. And Dan press small kisses to the undersides of Phil’s arms were they wrapped around him. Feather light kisses that made Phil giggle, but never tell Dan to stop. The only thing that was missing was the words “I love you”. Yet in those moments, the words seemed present in every motion, even if they weren’t spoken aloud.

suspensions of time

wrapped like cotton

around us

in those moments

-

when saying yes

was the easiest thing

Unfortunately, it was around this time that the dream began to crack. It was almost a Cinderella thing, because once it reached just past midnight and a new day was started, they began to drift apart again. Because at that point the post-orgasm sleepiness had left, Dan’s brain began to form poems and lines of slanting words that needed to be written down immediately. Phil’s fingers would go from lightly tracing Dan’s back to drumming as they suddenly had the type of energy that could only be taken out by getting something on a canvas. It was with reluctance that they escaped the little world that they built on those nights, but it was something that they always knew was coming.

That didn’t mean Dan was happy about it though. Once Phil had gotten out of bed with a whispered apology and one last kiss pressed sweetly on his lips, Dan would get out his notebook and write everything down. All the horrible, poisonous emotions he was feeling.

saying no had always been

impossible

Or at least that was what he would normally do.

Normally Dan would concentrate on the betrayal, the loss of love, the coldness where there had once been warmth. He would write about broken promises and the falseness of the idea of love. He would be absolutely cynical, making no apologies for it, and scrawl down the letters in his messy handwriting that painted pictures tinged with sadness.

softly lit nights

with ending that were never

happily ever after

But Dan thought that tonight might be time to try something new. Because his normal routine was tearing him apart and he had to change something if he wanted to survive.

So instead Dan wrote about the light. He wrote about the way the lamp’s dim glow bounced off Phil’s skin and made it seem as though he was glowing. Dan wrote about the feelings of absolute pleasure as he drifted through places that were so much better than his daily life. He wrote about the look in Phil’s eyes, the one that could only be described as filled with love, and how absolutely special it was to be on the receiving end of such a gaze. They were words filled with hope and beauty and the light that only Phil brought to Dan’s life.

you were the

light

on those nights

the room glowed

when you were there

Of course these words weren’t the whole story. They never addressed how the evening was just pretend. The didn’t talk about the way that Phil was now gone and that neither of them would be able to sleep well that night. But Dan had almost a whole journal filled up with words that said all that. And for the first time he allowed himself to focus on the light.

After writing Dan felt better than he had in ages. When he turned out the bedroom light hours before he normally would on a night like tonight, he actually felt calm. The resentment and anger that was normally still prevalent in all his thoughts, even after writing them down, had been replace by imaginations of better times. They may have been only imaginations, but they made for far better bedtime stories.

It turned out that they night was different in other ways than just Dan’s words too. Because a bit after Dan had turned off his light, when he was already half asleep, his door creaked open.

“Dan,” Phil’s voice said softly. It was more of a statement than question though, and Dan waited for Phil to add something else as he was suddenly very awake again.

But instead of more words, Dan heard Phil turn and take a few footsteps away as quietly as possible. Trying to disappear as if he had never been there.

“Phil?” Dan quickly decided to call out into the darkness where he knew Phil would be.

“Oh,” Phil made a sound of surprise that Dan was awake. “Sorry,” He walked into Dan’s bedroom properly that time. “I didn’t think you would still be awake.”

Phil was illuminated by the moonlight shining in through the window and Dan found himself distracted for a moment as he thought about how well it suited him. Phil had never put on a shirt, only now the previously unmarked skin that Dan had been running his hands over only hours earlier, was filled with a combination of bruises in the places where Dan’s lips had traveled and paint flecks from whatever Phil had just been working on. Somehow it was even more beautiful that way.

“Yeah, sorry,” Dan finally remembered to say, “What’s up?”

“I just-” Phil began before starting over. “You’re normally up after me so I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Dan could practically hear the blush in Phil’s words.

“I’m good, Phil,” Dan smiled, “Thanks for checking in,” Though the fact that Phil had even thought to poke his head into Dan’s room meant more than either of them really knew.

“Goodnight then,” Phil turned to leave again.

“Do you want to come to bed?” Dan found himself stopping Phil for the second time. “I mean, do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?” He tried to make the words more clear.

“Yeah,” Phil was smiling again, “I’d like that a lot.” So he got into bed beside Dan like they normally only did before the spell of the night had been broken.

“If there’s paint all over my sheets in the morning I’m going to kill you,” Dan mumbled into Phil’s skin, his words hitting Phil’s chest as he quickly settled into the warm arms of the other man.

“You might end up going to jail then,” Phil was somehow still awake to decide on some sort of comeback.

“Mm,” Dan hummed in acknowledgement, “I guess that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

“Goodnight Dan,” Phil smiled at Dan’s response, “Sleep well.”

“You too,” Dan snuggled in even closer and began to fall asleep to the steady pattern of Phil’s breathing.

That night was the first time they slept in the same bed afterwards together. The pretending continued past midnight and it felt better that way. Better than it had in a long time actually.

you were the one

to say yes

for a change.

saying yes to spending the night.

to soft skin brushing

under covers

warmer together.

-

but

it was too much.

That wasn’t to say that everything was perfect. Because the pretending did still end, only this time it was the next morning. When Dan woke up, the bed beside him was empty, which had it been a normal night would have meant nothing, but now it made him want to cry. Even the little change in routine had been enough to allow Dan to wonder if things were actually changing. But the lack of another person beside him showed how everything was really still the same. No matter how much he wished that it wasn’t.

It wasn’t shocking though, the fact that Phil had left. Because Dan had a theory, one born from late nights thoughts, that him and Phil would never end up together. It wasn’t meant to be.

you and me.

us.

if fate was real

it would never be on

our side.

not for

us.

it would always be

you.

and me.

Because as Dan saw it, Phil was light. He was the always smiling, cheerful and intelligent friend. Everybody always loved him and wanted to spend time around him. When you were with Phil everything was always better.

Yet, Dan also saw himself as darkness. Something that only ever existed in the opposites of light. He was the typical sad author, always wearing dark clothes and avoiding spending time with others. Him and Phil were two opposites that were never meant to be. If they were ever together Dan would drag Phil into the darkness and it wouldn’t end well for either of them.

you were sunshine,

and I was night.

opposites.

never meant to exist

together.

When Dan finally wandered into the lounge on that day when he woke up to a cold bed, Phil wasn’t there either. He was gone, an event which wasn’t a rarity, and Dan couldn’t bring himself to worry about when Phil would be back. It had happened too many times for that.

The thing was, Phil was a runner. Not in the sense that he liked to run for exercise, but rather that when things got tough he always fled. Sometimes it was just stepping out of the room, other times it was talking a walk for a few hours and when it was really bad, Phil would sometimes disappear for days.

Dan had learned to deal with it over the years. He had learned to accept that Phil would do this without leaving a note and that Dan shouldn’t worry. Because Phil always came back, and Dan wouldn’t even allow himself to think about a day when that night not happen.

when you’re gone

I pretend it doesn’t

hurt.

-

you’ll be back

I know.

you’ll be back,

I hope.

So Dan poured himself a bowl of cereal and settles down on the couch in their too quiet flat. He automatically went to watch the next episode of the show they had been watching but realised halfway through that he couldn’t watch it without Phil. Of course that started a spiral of thoughts thinking about how that was the problem. It showed how connected their lives were and the risk as ruining what they had with the current mess of what their relationship was seemed foolish.

Luckily, such thoughts made for good writing material and Dan was able to distract himself from the fact that Phil still hadn’t come home yet with working. He still had a book that needed to be submitted to his publisher and that wasn’t going to wait for best friend/something more to come home.

The book he was currently working on was almost done actually. It was going to be a different book than the ongoing stories he had been working on for so long. Instead it was a collection of short stories and poems, written throughout a range of years, that he had decided he wanted to compile and publish. The factor tying them all together was that they all had something to do with Phil and feelings.

So that’s why Phil just thought that Dan was working on the next book for the series. And Dan still wasn’t sure how he was going to publish this without Phil ever seeing it, because if he ever did all the feelings that Dan had kept hidden for so long would all be out in the open. Still, it seemed to Dan that it was important he do this. Maybe there would be someone out there struggling with the same things that he had for so long now. But mostly because Phil was a great inspiration, and the stories and poems based off him were some of Dan’s best work, not matter how painful they were.

Dan just needed to write a few more things. The collection was incomplete and he was having trouble finishing it. Even with a clear theme, it was difficult to turn the combinations of stories and poems into something that felt like a complete book. It may not be a story told in a typical way, but Dan still wanted it to feel like a complete story. He could never get it to feel finished. Which he supposed made sense, given that their story was right in the middle, but that’s not how he wanted it to end for the reader.

Today he was working on revising a poem that had been written for a few months now. It was actually one of the first ones of the book, but Dan felt like there were still few words off about it. It wasn’t absolutely perfect and Dan had always been a bit of a perfectionist.

The poem was about Phil painting. It basically set up Phil’s “character” for the reader. This was the first time that they learned Phil was an artist and Dan wanted the whole scene to fill them with wonder. He wanted it to make the readers think about the person in their own life that was an artist or the last art museum that they went to. He wanted the poem to not only inspire awe in the characters work, but to also help relate to the readers own experiences with art. But that was a lot to get across in only a poem and Dan wasn’t sure if he would be able to do it; and unlike normal he couldn’t ask Phil to read it over and get a second opinion.

it always starts with a blank canvas.

fresh circles of paint

on an already stained pallet,

favourite brushes selected,

and a cup of water standing

completely clear for the moment.

-

at the beginning everything is always clean.

simple.

-

but hidden away in those empty canvases

in random shapes of primary colours

and brushes worn with use

is something just waiting

to emerge.

Even in just the first stanza there was something about it that seemed off. But as Dan stared at the the paper, making countless changes, it only seemed to be getting worse as the time dragged on. The whole issue was of course, due to the fact that Dan would never be able to fully capture Phil. In general it was very difficult to get even close to the idea of a real person captured in only words, let alone someone who Dan knew as well as Phil. Because with their close friendship Dan knew everything about Phil. He didn’t want to leave out any of the little details that made up the whole person.

By the time that Dan was somewhat satisfied by what he had, most of the day had passed by without him really noticing. He realised that he hadn’t eaten since that cereal right after he got up and decided to make some dinner. It was only once Dan was in the kitchen, trying to decide what to make, that he noticed Phil still wasn’t back. That was slightly concerning, as Dan took a break from trying to find food to check his phone and make sure their were no missed messages.

There weren’t any, which wasn’t really surprising, but it was still disappointing. Phil was normally back by this point in the day. In fact, he had only come back this late once before. That was a memory that Dan generally tried to block out though.

It had actually been rather similar to this situation. They were friends with benefits then too, it was nothing serious, but Dan had feelings that were more than Phil did. Yet that time Dan had let his feelings ruin everything.

“Phil, please,” Dan eyes were teary even as he fought to keep from crying. “You can’t leave.” He choked on difficult breaths.

“Dan, I don’t want a relationship with you. I can’t do what you want,” Phil’s eyes were cold, emotionless. “I have to go.”

“But-” Dan practically hung onto Phil. Neither of them were wearing clothes and they were in Phil’s bedroom. Dan had accidently said ‘I love you’. Phil wanted to run.

“Dan,” Phil said gently this time, “Let go of me. This isn’t going to work, I’m sorry.” He paused a moment before continuing, “I don’t love you.”

So Dan let go. And Phil ran.

Phil left that night and didn’t come back until the following evening. And when he did he brought back a girl. A girl that he would then go on to date for a couple months before breaking up with her. He cheated on her most of the time too, with Dan, which made Dan feel horrible, but he was still too in love with Phil to say no.

It was better for a while after Phil and his girlfriend broke up. Phil actually stopped asking Dan if he wanted to fool around in the evenings. They somehow became even closer friends than they had been previously and spent all their time together. During those times Phil’s paintings were filled with shades of yellow and light blues. Dan’s poems blossomed and explored themes of hope.

Better times never last forever though. It started back up again one night, the fooling around in the evenings, and they were both hooked. Dan had forgotten how much he loved being that close to Phil, and Phil, well, Dan wasn’t quite sure what he was thinking - he never was - but Phil began to ask Dan if he wanted to move to a bedroom with increasing frequency.

That brought them to today, or rather to last night, before things had shifted again. Dan hadn’t thought that cuddling would be that big of a deal but apparently to Phil it was. Dan just really hoped that his friend would be home soon.

you’ll be back

I know.

you’ll be back,

I hope.

What Dan didn’t hope for was Phil to bring someone home with him. And that was exactly what ended up happening.

Dan was in his room on his bed writing, when their voices walked inside. He recognized Phil’s immediately so he wasn’t concerned about intruders, but along with Phil’s voice there was a slightly deeper one, and Dan could feel his heart fall as soon as he heard it. They were laughing and Phil sounded happy, happier than Dan had heard him in a long time.

if there had been anything

left to shatter,

on that night you would have.

As was to be expected, a lot more ended up happening than just laughing. Dan tried to drown out the moans with headphones pressed tight to his ears, but in the spaces between songs he couldn’t escape what was happening.

He had been half expecting something like this; for Phil to end up bringing someone else home by the time he finally returned. That didn’t make it hurt less though, and Dan half wanted to barge in and tell them to leave. He wanted to tell the mystery man about how many times him and Phil had sex in that same bed. Dan wanted to say how Phil was always the one to ask him. Phil may not love him, but he certainly enjoyed their sex more than with anyone else. Dan wanted to go and chase the man away. Because he didn’t want Phil to end up with a lover like last time, Dan didn’t think he could take it happening again.

Eventually they stopped. Dan wasn’t quite sure if the man had left or not, because by the time that he turned down his music enough to notice that the sex noises were done, there wasn’t any talking either. He hoped that the man had left; Dan wasn’t even allowed to sleep in Phil’s bed and if some random man was that would be horribly unfair. But mostly Dan couldn’t bring himself to care. He was exhausted and ready to cuddle under his warm duvet and sleep. So that was what he did.

There were already faint kitchen noises happening when Dan woke up the next morning. That wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, as Phil was normally making coffee by the time Dan got out of bed, but Dan couldn’t tell if there was one or two people moving around in the kitchen. He didn’t want to have a face to the man he was determined to hate (purely because the man slept with Phil and if Dan saw him it would be harder to make him out to be a monster) but Dan could hear his stomach growling. And at least if he saw the man, Dan could embarrass him.

But when Dan walked out into the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes, it was only Phil.

“Good morning,” Dan said, only slightly to formally, as he went through the normal routine of getting out cereal stuff for the both of them.

“Morning,” Phil answered sleepily, sipping on his coffee. His hair was rumpled like it always was in the mornings and his sleep shirt slightly too big in the most adorable way. He certainly didn’t look like someone who was always breaking Dan’s heart.

Dan set down two bowls and spoons on the table before going to the cupboard to get the cereal out. “Have fun last night?” He asked while he was still facing the inside of the cupboard, he didn’t trust his face to hide any emotions.

“Ugh, I’m not really sure,” Phil sounded bothered by that fact, “I don’t really remember much, but given how bad my hangover is right now, I’m not really surprised.”

“You brought a boy home,” Dan surprised even himself by saying that aloud. He wasn’t hiding by looking in the cupboard this time either, he looked right at Phil. “You left all day without letting me know you were okay and then you brought a boy home and had sex with him while I was only a room over.” Dan’s voice stayed steadily calm the whole time, but the anger was evident nonetheless.

your actions,

the ones that mean

nothing

to you,

they mean

everything

to me.

Phil just stared for a moment then. But he wasn’t shock, Dan could see that in his eyes, deep down he had known what he had done, even if he was trying to avoid it. “I didn’t mean to Dan,” he tried to say.

“Fuck you,” Dan practically slammed the boxes of cereal he had been holding on the table. “You knew exactly what you were doing - you always do - Phil you’re smart. You know what you’re doing to me.” After all the time that Dan had spent crying about this, all he felt now was anger.

“I don’t want you to get involved with me,” Phil was frustrated too, “I never want you to!”

“Then why do you always ask me to fool around? Why do you promise it’s the last time when both of us know it’s not going to be because you will ask again? When we both know I’m going to say yes.” Dan tried not to yell. “Phil you know I could never say no to you. You know I’m still in love with you.”

“I don’t want to ask you for anything Dan,” Phil said, his hands moving wildly with his words, “Don’t you see that? I promise that it’s going to be the last time because I always hope that it will be. I don’t want you to be in love with me because all I can give you is more pain.” Phil spoke softly, his voice small, “I think I’m in love with you too, but it terrifies me. You deserve so much better than the darkness I am.”

“Phil-” Dan tried to say, much less angry this time.

“No,” Phil continued to speak, “We can’t date, we can’t do this boyfriends thing Dan. I’m the typical starving artist and you’re the aspiring author who’s actually going somewhere. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our flat is tiny. It’s not in the best neighbourhood and the heater breaks down all the time. The whole flat is falling apart around us. You could so easily move away from all this if I wasn’t here. I’m holding you back, Dan. And I’m worried that if we start dating that’ll never change.”

Dan was silent for a moment as he tried to understand everything that Phil had just said. It was hard because Dan didn’t even know where to start, he just knew that barely any of it was true. “Phil, you’re not holding me back, I guess that’s the most important thing to stay,” Dan begun. “It’s like you said, I don’t notice the things about our flat, or rather I don’t mind them, because it’s our flat, and it’s so much more important to me that we share a home than any of that other stuff.”

“I’m dragging you down,” Phil insisted.

“But you aren’t, Phil,” Dan countered, “I don’t know how-” he suddenly knew what to do. “Wait here a sec,” Dan practically ran off into his bedroom before returning only a moment later with an armful of papers. “Do you see all these?” He began to throw all the papers onto the table in front of Phil, stacking them on top of each other before Phil could make out any of the words written down. “They’re all inspired by you,” Dan continued to spread them out. “My whole next book is going to be things inspired by you, a collection of some of these works, but it certainly won’t be all of them. Phil, you inspire me to be the author that I am, I would be nothing without you.”

“Don’t say that.” Phil insisted, trying to stay stern, though the amazement in his voice rather ruined the effect. “You would still be an amazing writer without me.”

“But I wouldn’t have all this,” Dan gestured to all the papers now covering the table. “Sure, some of this is about the times you hurt me, but most of it is about how you inspire me everyday. It’s poems about you painting or your eyes. It’s stories about the times you’ve made me feel better and the little moments when I realised how lucky I was to have such a good friend. They’re about how you’re light. How you deserve poetry and words that swirl into beauty. You deserve all of this, I’m just the person lucky enough to be inspired by you.” Dan paused to take a breath. “Really, you’re the one who shouldn’t get into a relationship with me.”

Phil’s hand covered his mouth in shock as he tried to understand everything that Dan had said. “I think,” He eventually tried to say, “I think that you’re just wrong about one thing; that I’m light. Because Dan, when I’m around you, I feel like darkness, because you shine so much brighter than I could ever hope to.”

“Phil, that’s horrible cheesy,” Dan was the one covering his mouth with his hand now, as he tried to hide his smile.

“It’s the truth, though,” Phil gave a small smile too. “And I still don’t think we should date.”

“W-what?” Dan couldn’t believe that after all his papers Phil still couldn’t see that he wasn’t dragging Dan down. “How?” He asked in disbelief.

“I mean everything you’ve shown me makes sense,” Phil explained, gently as to not break Dan’s heart, “but what I’ve thought, this whole not wanting to hurt you, it’s what I’ve thought for years. It’s not something that can thrown away in one conversation.”

“But it doesn’t make any sense!” Dan tried to argue.

“Do you remember when I dated Emma?” Phil asked, trying a different method of explanation. Dan nodded, yes he did remember. “I dated her because I wanted to get over you, and even then I couldn’t stay away. But I tried because I thought it was the right thing to do. And that wasn’t the first or the last thing that I did in an attempt to get over you.” Phil sighed. “It’s just, to agree to date you now would be selfish. I’ve done everything before for you and I don’t want to ruin it all in a split second decision. It probably doesn’t make any sense but I just can’t, Dan. I’m sorry.”

“Okay.” Dan simply stated.

“Okay?” Phil was shocked that Dan agreed so easily.

“I’ll give you time to think about it,” Dan clarified, “That doesn’t mean I think that it’s true or anything,” he made sure to add. “But I know that it’s really different from what you’ve been thinking for so many years and it might take some time to sink in. Just, Phil,” Dan had to ask, “please don’t run this time.”

“I think I can do that,” Phil smiled at how simple Dan’s request seemed. Not running would be easy.

“You laugh, but it’s what always happens,” Dan commented, “and sometimes it hurts more than anything else.”

With that Dan, who realised he had never sat down, walked out of the room because it felt like time for them to be alone. Even if he had never gotten his cereal. Suddenly, he didn’t have much of an appetite anymore anyways.

they say it’s better to love,

to try,

than to do nothing at all

-

but I don’t know

how much more trying

my heart

can take.

It wasn’t until later, when the conversation had sunk in, that Dan realised what had really happened. Maybe he needed the time just as much as Phil to think about what had happened. Because now all the feelings that he had kept hidden from Phil for so long were out in the open. And even more than that, Dan finally understood what Phil had been thinking, and he had been so wrong.

As it was what normally happened when the feelings got to be a bit much, Dan began to write. He couldn’t work on any of his stuff for the book, as that had all been left in the kitchen during his exit, but maybe that was a good thing. He hadn’t worked on anything new in such a long time, and this was the perfect opportunity.

He decided the best thing to write about would be the two suns. Because from what he learned today that was how the person he thought of as light, thought of him. So they were both light. They were both lights that felt incredibly covered in darkness.

if light is meant to be

so bright

and

what to strive for,

why is it that

the brighter the light is,

the darker everything

seems.

Writing helped for a while, or at least it helped to pass the time. It was evening by the time that Dan realised how late it had gotten and how much he really needed to eat something. So he gathered up his papers and his laptop and wandered out into the lounge.

“Hey,” Phil said as soon as Dan walked in. He was sketching on the sofa, which was really the only other type of art form he ever did besides painting. “I was just thinking about ordering pizza, do you want some?”

“This is why we’re friends,” Dan said as he sat down in his sofa crease beside Phil on the sofa, “I came out here because I was really hungry, pizza sounds great,” He smiled at Phil, trying to ignore how the air still felt much thicker with tension than normal.

“Do you just want the usual?” Phil smiled back, “I’ll order.”

“That sounds perfect.” Dan agreed, and it really did.

Dan liked the moments like this with Phil the best. When Phil was ordering pizza for the both of them because he already knew what was Dan’s favourite without even having to double check. It was that type of easy comfort from knowing each other so well that Dan thought would be so easily transferable to a relationship. Dan already trusted Phil with his everything, there would just be a bit more closeness. It wouldn’t be all that different, really. All he needed was for Phil to see that too.

because you are home.

and that’s not scary

at all.

The pizza came soon after Phil ordered it and they decided to put on a movie while they ate. They had both had enough of their respective art for the day and were ready to relax with their friend, because that was really the most important part of all of this.

The movie was one that they had had watched countless times together, so Dan didn’t really pay attention to it. Instead he concentrated on how amazing the pizza tasted, and then when that was over, he thought about how much he wanted to be cuddling Phil. He thought about that second part that he eventually just did it.

“Dan…” Phil said questioningly when Dan abruptly scooted over from his side of the couch, far past the distance that they normally kept between them just to be safe, until he was practically sitting in Phil’s lap. “What are you doing?”

“Cuddling,” Dan answered simply, “Friends cuddle all the time.”

Now that was where Phil could have said that they weren’t the type of friends to do that. They were just the type of friends who gave each other space and the only time they cuddled was after sex. Okay, so maybe cuddling now wouldn’t be the biggest deal. Besides, Dan was warm and as he cuddling closer, tucking his head right below Phil’s chin, everything was comfortable. So instead of complaining, Phil simply replied: “Okay.”

The movie was completely lost then, it became more of background noise while that sat completely absorbed in each other and their little world. Dan’s hair tickled the bottom of Phil’s chin and Dan was pretty certain one of his arms went numb very quickly from the position they were in. but either Dan or Phil wanted to move even the smallest bit and break the comfortable spell that they were under.

you are soft

safe.

-

in our own little world

there is nothing

to fear.

Because even if if wasn’t comfortable physically, the tension from earlier was completely gone. They weren’t talking, but after all that had happened over breakfast, they had done enough of that for today. Instead, Dan traced small shapes on Phil’s side were his shirt had ridden up. Tracing letters into the skin he had written so many words about. One of Phil’s hands was playing with Dan’s hair, running his fingers through the curls that were beginning to form as the evening wore on. If it had been anybody else touching Dan’s hair, or tracing shapes into Phil’s skin, neither of them would have allowed it, but with each other, it seemed perfectly natural.

“Do your hands ever stop moving?” Dan asked sleepily, long after the movie had finished, when neither of them wanted to be the first person to get up.

By that point Phil’s fingers had moved to playing with the hem of Dan’s shirt, brushing over the smooth skin there as he twisted and untwisted the fabric. “No,” Phil answered, his voice rough as it had gotten to that point at night when that happened. “I don’t think so. Do yours?”

“No,” Dan’s answer was the same. “Sometimes I like to think that’s because there’s so much trapped inside trying to get out, the words that need writing I mean. Or, I guess in your case, the picture that needs painting.”

“I like that,” Phil replied, the motion of his hands continuing,

“A little ridiculous, don’t you think?” Dan mused.

“No,” Phil quickly answered. “It’s poetic, and considering you that makes sense.”

“But it’s still a bit much,” Dan insisted, “I feel like sometimes I do that thing where I assign meanings to things that are meaningless.”

“I don’t think it’s that,” Phil tried to figure out the best way to say his words in order to convince Dan. “It’s just that these feelings and abstract idea that we all have, you manage to put them into words. So maybe it seems cheesy to you, but I can’t even make the words to begin with, and the way you say them sounds better then mine even could.” Phil paused before adding on, “If that makes any sense I mean, it’s too late for this.” He laughed softly as if to say that everything he said before wasn’t serious. He was doing that thing where you try to make it sound like you don’t know what you’re talking about so people don’t take it too seriously.

But Dan still did. “Thanks, Phil.” He said softly, “I think I needed to hear that.”

“You’re welcome,” Phil smiled, “Glad it made any sense.”

“Of course it did,” Dan was quick to assure, “Your words aren’t nearly as bad as you make them out to be, and that’s coming from a writer so don’t say I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

They settled into a momentary silence then, taking in what had just been said. Dan realised that he had really needed to hear Phil’s words. Because if Phil didn’t find what he thought silly, then Dan knew it wasn’t. Phil’s opinion was one of the only ones who really mattered.

Meanwhile, Phil was back on the topic of their relationship, but that was only in his head. Because as they sat cuddled together on the sofa that night, their relationship felt anything but bad. In that moment, Phil couldn’t help but feel like his previous idea that he would hurt Dan more if they were dating was completely wrong. He knew now that when he asked Dan if they could just get off that was much worse. Both of them so obviously wanted more and now Phil was the only one stopping it. Phil and his ideas that he had only just put words to today. And once they were verbalized most of their power had been lost.

in our own little world

there is nothing

to fear.

Dan interrupted their quiet when he began to move. “Gotta go pee,” he said as he started to get up.

“No, don’t go,” Phil said and pulled Dan closer without thinking. Of course then a second passed a he quickly let go blushing furiously. “I mean-”

“It’s fine, Phil,” Dan laughed at Phil’s clinginess, “I’ll be back, don’t worry,” He said over dramatically, pressing a kiss on the back of Phil’s hand before walking out of the room.

That left Phil to sit and blush and think way too much about what he had just done. Because it had been his automatic reaction to pull Dan closer and that had to mean something, right? And it was much more than just wanting to have somebody nearby. Phil was certain that Dan was special, he had learned that much at least from his girlfriend. Even when he tried to move away from Dan it had proved impossible and that had to mean something. This all did. But Phil had always been bad at the words to figure out what was actually happening and this was one situation where painting couldn’t explain it.

“Miss me much?” Dan interrupted Phil’s thinking as he practically jumped back onto the sofa, flopping on top of Phil.

“Ah, not anymore” Phil squirmed, “Get off!” He complained as Dan settled with his entire body pressed on Phil’s, and his face shoved into the couch by the side of Phil’s shoulder.

“No,” Dan snuggled closer, “I think I’m perfectly comfortable right here,” he exaggerated.

“I’m not, though,” Phil protested, “I want to cuddle with you, but not like this.”

That stopped Dan trying to press as much of his weight as possible onto Phil for moment in shock. “Then maybe we should move to a bedroom?” He eventually suggested, “No, not like that, but it’s getting late.” Dan quickly clarified.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. “That’s sounds good, so long as you don’t jump on top of me again then.”

“Lord knows I’m rarely on top,” Dan joked under his breath as he got up off Phil.

“Dan!” Phil reprimanded in shock as Dan offered him a hand up, “The Lord shouldn’t know that.”

“Christ, you’re even worse,” Dan laughed as they walked towards their bedrooms, “I think we’re going loopy from lack of sleep.”

“I think so,” Phil giggled, still rather proud at his joke. “Which bed do you want to sleep in?”

“Yours,” Dan immediately decided, “it’s a lot more comfy.” The real reason was because Dan liked how it smelled like Phil, and he loved being completely enveloped in that, but he was still thinking enough to not say all that aloud.

“Okay, pajamas and stuff and then we can cuddle, yeah?” Phil suggested.

“Sounds good,” Dan agreed and they separated off to their separate bedrooms briefly.

When Dan saw the papers on the desk in his room, he stopped to stare at them for a moment. Because even the ones that were from two days ago suddenly seemed so outdated and foreign. As he stood about to get ready to join Phil in bed just so that they could cuddle, because now neither of them wanted to be apart from each other for the night, all the pain of the softly lit nights seemed so far away. He knew he shouldn’t think of it in that way, because that left room for it to happen again, but Dan couldn’t help but feel as if this time was different. That maybe this time Phil wouldn’t run.

Eventually he managed to tear himself away from staring at the papers and change take off his clothes. Dan then briefly debated if he should put on pajamas or something given that they were sharing a bed, but deiced that since they had sex, wearing a t-shirt for modesty seemed a little pointless. He was more comfortable in just underwear to sleep anyways.

They took turns brushing teeth and using the bathroom, but that was a normal part of their evening routine. It only felt different when instead of turning down the hall to go to his own room, Dan followed after Phil and they climbed into bed together. Both of them had calmed down slightly from the giggling mood on the sofa and were ready for bed. Dan couldn’t help but thinking they were like an old married couple as they got into bed without and need for talking.

As they settled in, Dan decided he had to ask one thing, just to make sure. “You aren’t going anywhere, right?” He tried not to sound too paranoid. “Because last time we fell asleep like this you weren’t here in the morning.”

“It won’t happen again,” Phil promised. “I’m sorry.”

“S’fine,” Dan mumbled, his head back on his favourite spot on Phil’s chest.

“It’s not,” Phil mumbled, pressing a kiss lightly to the top of Dan’s head. ‘Good night.” He added before Dan could argue.

“Good night,” Dan replied softly, and Phil could tell his flatmate was already half asleep.

It wasn’t until much later, when Dan was almost completely asleep that either of them spoke again. Or really Dan wasn’t sure that that really happened, but it sounded a lot like Phil said something about ‘love you’. Yet that was probably only because Dan was already half asleep. Besides, he didn’t even remember it in the morning.

in our own little world

there is something.

something we’re always so

close to.

but always falling short.

Both Dan and Phil slept well that night. There were no issues of waking up because they were too cold, and neither of them completely stole the covers. So when Dan woke up late the next morning, he was in a good mood before he even opened his eyes.

Dan had always liked mornings. Not so much the actual getting up and getting out of bed part, but rather how mornings were always a fresh start. On days like this, when he nothing that he had to get up and do, it was even better. Or maybe that was just Phil.

It wasn’t really surprised that Phil was still there when Dan finally opened his eyes, but he almost felt like he was imagining the person that was still sleeping next to him until he actually saw him. It was just that Dan really needed Phil to not to run that time, he needed that confidence, and realising that Phil had actually done so was one of the best feelings in the world. Dan couldn’t help but smile as he moved closer to Phil since they had drifted apart during the night. He could get used to waking up like this.

Dan must have dozed off again then, because the next time that he woke up, it was due to Phil shifting around. Phil had reached over to the nightstand to grab his glasses and was just sliding them on when Dan opened his eyes to look up at him. They both smiled then, taking in the appearance of each other in the morning.

when your hair is soft

and eyes crinkle softly

matching sleepy smiles

and everything glows.

Both of their hair was completely messed up, but Dan couldn’t be bothered to be self conscious about it for once in his life. He was too busy already composing the right words in his head to compare how Phil looked with the morning sunlight bouncing off his skin. It made him glow, it made him look like the light that Dan was so certain he was.

There was also the way that Phil’s glasses were slightly crooked, as Dan reached up to gently fix them, his fingers lingering on Phil’s face where stubble had replaced some of the usually smooth skin. Phil reached up to touch the back of Dan’s hand then, grabbing the back of his wrist and then turning Dan’s hand so that they could intertwine their fingers. Both of their hands that had been so unable to stop moving last night were calm with morning fogginess and when they were attached they were completely still. There was a sort of suspended quietness that hung above them that had yet to be broken by any words. It was a complete closeness that felt so different than it ever had at night.

in our own little world,

everything is quiet

and you are close.

As Phil moved their still connected hands down away from his face, he moved closer to Dan. His face was angled down and Dan instinctively moved his up. That was how the whole thing felt, actually. Instinctive and comfortable and like they had been doing it forever.

So when Phil reached down to press his lips to Dan’s, softly as to not break him, all it felt was comfortable. There was barely any shock at the fact that they were kissing in the morning sunlight. It just felt like that was what they should have been doing the whole time. Entirely different from the hungry movements of the the softly lit nights, this kiss felt like coming home. And it was only after that kiss that the silence was broken.

in our own little world

there is nothing

to fear.

-

there is only

smooth lips and

comfort

-

and a feeling both of us

are scared

to name

“Good morning,” Dan spoke first, his voice barely above a whisper, yet you could practically hear his smile in it.

“Good morning to you too,” Phil was grinning too while he used his hand that wasn’t holding Dan’s to move the younger man’s hair back as it was slipping over one of his eyes.

“So,” Dan tried to being talking about what all this was. What the kiss meant.

“Can we talk later?” Phil quickly asked, “I just want to enjoy this for now.”

Dan couldn’t say no to that. To Phil with still sleep rumpled hair and a half awake smile as he asked. “Sure,” Dan agreed. He had waited a long time for even to get to this point. Waiting a little longer to figure out exactly what this meant didn’t seem like asking for much.

They lay in bed for a long time that morning. Though it wasn’t doing nothing the whole time, because soon both of their hands began to wake up and the sketchbooks were grabbed off the nightstand. Dan borrowed one of Phil’s to write in as he began to work on poems mostly about Phil and Phil used an almost completely filled paper pad to draw sketches that were mostly of Dan. They were each other’s muse, and in that moment everything worked perfectly.

slanting sunlight,

soft,

sleepy muted movements

filling the room.

-

sound of pencils

scratching lightly on sketchbooks

attempting to capture

a feeling

that would never transfer

to paper.

Eventually the morning light disappeared, and sitting in bed began to feel undisputedly lazy. So limbs were untangled from both each other and the bedsheets. The duvet was shoved into a shape that somewhat resembled a made bed and the cocoon of warmth that they had built was left behind. It didn’t feel like leaving forever though, as it seemed likely that they would be back in the same place soon. So long as when they actually talked about what all this meant went well.

After the morning spent together they went their separate ways for a while. Phil had a meeting with a client that he had almost forgotten about, so he rushed out the door after kissing Dan quickly and yelling goodbye. He had meetings like this quite often so Dan knew not to expect Phil back for at least an hour. He decided to use the time to work on editing a few of the short stories for the book. Maybe he could even add some of the poems from that morning into the ever growing pile of papers to be included.

Dan couldn’t help but feel like the ending he had been searching for in his book was getting closer. Maybe the reason he was having so much trouble feeling like the book was complete was because their story was right in the middle of everything. These new poems and a short story that he typed up that afternoon seemed much closer to that closure that the book had been needed for so long. After they talked about this and sorted a few more things out maybe it would even feel finished. Or at least at a better breaking point.

What happened next was something Dan hadn’t been quite expecting. Because Phil’s meeting was taking longer than he had thought it would, so Dan began to tidy up the living room as he waited for his friend (?) to come home. It was when he was tidying up that he came upon one of Phil’s sketchbooks that was lying open on the table.

Now ordinarily, Dan would never look through it. And he wouldn’t have this time either, only it was open to a page that was a sketch of him. It was of him sleeping, mouth hanging open (which somehow Phil had made look more adorable than anything else). Dan just wanted to see if the next page was of him too. That was when he fell into it all.

See, Dan and Phil never really shared the things they created with each other. Dan knew that Phil had read his published books but they never talked about them. He had showed Phil a few stories and poems before, but Dan could probably count those occasions on one hand. It was the same with Phil’s art. Dan had seen some of the canvases before, due to the fact that they were normally in progress for a few days. But most of the time Phil kept his easel facing the wall, and as soon as the painting were finished they disappeared, to where Dan was never quite sure.

It was an odd sort of situation where both of them were happy to share their art with the public, but as soon as it was each other, both of them faltered. This was probably due to the fact that they valued each other’s opinions over anyone else’s, and Dan at least was never proud enough of anything that he wanted to show it to Phil. For that it had to be perfect and to Dan, none of his writing ever was.

Phil’s sketchbook though…it was only rough drawing and Dan was certain that the art was better than some he had seen in museums. It so effortless captured him completely that Dan almost felt the drawing looked more like him than he did. That’s why he had to see what the other pages had, there was just too much curiosity to ignore.

As Dan carefully turned the pages, the rest of his body motionless as he stood in shock looking at all the drawings, he couldn’t believe how stunning every sketch was. He knew that Phil was a good artist, but he didn’t realise that the simplest page of Phil’s doodles would be better than any art he would be able to do. And most of the amazing drawings were of him.

There were soft pencil strokes that captured Dan doing everything from playing video games, to writing, to one that Dan was fairly certain was his orgasm face. Looking at them and the detail involved, Dan realised that Phil must have spent more time studying his face than Dan had himself. There was every freckle, each one perfectly placed, and the stray pieces of hair that were always sticking out from his head. Even the things that normally bothered Dan about his appearance, like the hair, were beautiful in Phil’s art. It was as if through Phil’s eyes, Dan was perfect.

Dan must have spent too much time looking at the pages though, because soon he heard the noise of Phil’s keys in the door, and he practically jumped back, completely guilty. Luckily, Dan managed to compose himself enough to move the sketchbook back to the page that it had been on before he touched it before Phil walked in. By that point Dan was sitting on the couch with his own notebook in his hands and able to look up and act surprised that Phil was home already.

“Hey,” Dan looked up, trying to act as normal as possible. “How was your meeting?”

“Really good!” Phil grinned, happier than Dan had seen him in a long time. “Oh my goodness, Dan, it was so good.” He grabbed Dan’s hand and pulled him off the couch, spinning him around. “I had the best idea and they loved it.”

“What was the idea?” Dan asked, guilt about looking through Phil’s sketchbook forgotten for the moment.

“Well you were talking about your book thing,” Phil tried to speak so quickly that the words got a bit jumbled up. “And I was thinking about how I have the same thing. Or not really the same thing because it’s art instead of writing, but I have so much art that had been inspired by you. And it would be really interesting if people would be able to see both sides of the story. Does that make any sense?” He paused to make sure that Dan was still following.

“Yeah, I think so. But what was your big idea?” Dan prompted him to continue, Phil’s excitement beginning to make him smile too.

“Okay, so it’s harder because you can’t really make art into a book,” Phil began to explain. “But I had a meeting with the art studio that sometimes put my work up. You know the one, yeah?” Dan nodded. “And they said that I could put some of my work up there, they loved the idea of the whole relationship as seen from both sides.”

“That sounds perfect,” Dan was amazed.

“But wait, there’s more,” Phil said in a voice that sounded so much like an infomercial both of them burst out laughing. “N-no,” Phil said between giggles, “We need to hold it together so I can finish explaining.” Even still in took a minute for both of them to stop being so absolutely giddy and compose themselves enough to continue.

“There’s also going to be an online component,” Phil was finally able to say. “And some sort of physical thing, maybe a bunch of sketchbook pages collected together or something like that. We haven’t sorted out all the details but-”

“I love it,” Dan interrupted before Phil could ramble on. “And your sketchbook is so beautiful, that would make the perfect physical aspect.”

“You think?” Phil was just glad Dan loved the idea as much as him. “Wait, how do you know? I don’t think I’ve ever?”

“Oh, yeah,” Dan looked away sheepishly, “I was looking at your sketchbook while you were gone.” He quickly added, “Just a couple pages, I promise.”

“I mean they’re all of you,” Phil was in too good of a mood to be bothered at all. “Seems only fair that you’d be able to see them.”

“So it’s all going to work out,” Dan felt like his cheeks were beginning to hurt from smiling. “The art stuff, I mean.” He clarified.

“And us too,” Phil quickly added, “I think you might have been right.” He took a deep breath. “About all of it, the writing , the light, all the words that you used to make this all seem so simple. because Dan, I know I’m still not very good at words, but I love you. I always have.” The words tumbled out of Phil’s mouth, choppy and unclear.

But to Dan’s ears they sounded like perfect music. “Yeah?” He asked.

“Yeah, I mean as long as you forgive me of all the horrible things I’ve done,” Phil’s smile left for a moment. Because not everything can suddenly be perfect, and he knew how much he had messed up in the past.

“It might take some time,” Dan admitted, “For the both of us, but I think that this is going to be different.”

“So will you be my boyfriend, then?” Phil finally asked.

“Yes,” Dan leaned into Phil’s touch. “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask.”

“Good,” Phil breathed a sigh of relief. “I was still slightly worried you weren’t going to say yes.”

“Of course I was going to say yes, you spork,” Dan said affectionately. “I love you too. Always have.”

“I’m allowed to kiss you then, right?” Phil looked into Dan’s eyes, amazed that he could now call his closest friend his beautiful boyfriend now.

“I think that could be arranged,” Dan teased, as he leaned down slightly.

“Good,” Phil murmured before moving to kiss his boyfriend for the first time. And in some inexplicable way it was better than it had ever been before.

Later Dan would describe their story as the sun that fell in love with the night. Though who was the sun and who was the night differed on who you talked too. Actually dating turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to either of them. Because then they were properly each others, and that was all they had really needed the whole time.

saying yes has always been

easy.

-

you are the

light.

the room glows

when you are here.

-

in our own little world

there is nothing

to fear.

-