Axel Greylark Crashout Realization
CW: Mental health discussion, SH mentioned
I had a moment of serious self-reflection on my absolute crashout over Axel Greylark.
The crashout started on my reread of Convergence when I picked up certain language. Phan-tu labels Axel’s behavior as “mood swings” after he notices a look in Axel’s eyes “glittered with something dark” that was “self-destructive” (after Axel mentioned abusing a substance).
Now, mood swings (especially pointed out by someone without a psychiatric background) don’t always MEAN someone has bipolar disorder, but… I think he does and spent the majority of Convergence in a manic episode due to Bipolar I Disorder.
Axel functions on very little sleep. In his introduction, he’s sleep deprived after spending the whole night (10+ hours) gambling. He stays up most nights on Amaryllis, blasting music all night. “On usual nights, Axel did his best not to sleep, or at the very least not deeply.” Lack of sleep is a common symptom (or TRIGGER) of (hypo)mania. Sleep is difficult during (hypo)mania for several reasons. Your mood is elevated, so why waste all the potential euphoria on sleeping? You also have increased energy, so you’re restless—you may think of new tasks to do that you “need” to accomplish. Racing thoughts also keep you awake. Lack of sleep is a symptom and a trigger, so if you spend a substantial time awake (even if you’re not having an episode!), your brain can revert to a manic state.
High Risk Activities (I’m making subcategories of this).
Financial Risks - He gambles twice during the book (in the den and during the rite). The gambling den was exceptionally high stakes, as he was gambling with heirlooms. He also gains and loses fortunes through illegal activities, such as drag racing and smuggling, rapidly.
Violence - In Convergence, Axel is impulsively violent, but a warzone surrounds him, so his behavior isn’t that out of place. He has no problem shooting first (albeit to save Gella’s life) or shooting a guard holding her sabers without thinking of the consequences.
Inflated Sense of Self - Manic people are good at short-term charm: they’re overly confident, and their need for hits of euphoria often draws people in. They’re exciting and fun, and they have a lot of energy to be social. Axel embodies these traits, but he’s also bad at maintaining REAL friendship because the friends you make in mania are drawn to your manic behavior and are put off when you’re back to baseline or depressed. The friends you make while you’re baseline are put off when you’re making manic choices. You probably won’t be making friends while you’re depressed, and maybe the friends you made at baseline won’t stick around for a depressive episode either.
He also has unfocused ambitions—he doesn’t know what he wants in life, and jumps from one goal to the next without a connection other than that they have to be big and flashy. This could be described as a flight of ideas.
Increased Focus on Religion - Axel swears up and down that he is not a member of the Path, but he was at some point and believed their teachings. “Dalna wasn’t his home. When he’d been at his lowest, it might have been, but no more… Even the thought that he’d ever uttered the words, ‘the Force will be free’ made him grimace.” He regrets it, which may indicate that once he was out of the episode where he adopted the beliefs, he realized that the religion wasn’t benefiting him.
Additionally, he seeks out people who will ENABLE (or tolerate) his risk-seeking behavior—not hinder it. Elecia enables him because it benefits her. She tells him that unfocused ambitions are great and she (and only she!) appreciates them. She won’t ever tell him “no,” but when he’s not manic, it doesn’t seem like she invests too much time in him. Binnot says that she “hasn’t forgotten about him” while he was on Coruscant, but she’s not reaching out to him (while he’s likely baseline or depressed).
His love for “chaos” was another indicator. Mania IS chaos. There’s no better way to describe it, and I cannot emphasize how ENJOYABLE it is (unless it’s a mixed episode). Your thoughts are non-linear, loud, and clustered, but once you conquer them, you feel invincible. He loves it when things are chaotic because that's how his own thoughts are.
Irritability - I’ve talked about how good mania feels, but sometimes you can’t conquer it—the lack of sleep, racing thoughts, and restlessness make mania irritating, and irritability is a common symptom. While he’s always pretty antagonistic toward Gella, there’s a moment when he’s fixing the ship that she notes that he wants to “pick a fight” and how he was all bursting with chaos. He just killed someone, and he has the guilt poisoning those high-intensity and uncontrollable thoughts.
Alcohol Abuse Tendencies - Alcohol is a depressant, so some people may be drawn to “self-medicate” so their manic symptoms are more controllable (do NOT do this!). He needs alcohol to the point his therapy droid quite literally hands it to him EVERY TIME HE GETS IRRITATED.
Spousal Discarding - While not technically a symptom of mania, a LOT of those affected with bipolar disorder discard their spouses out of the blue during an episode. Your thoughts are racing, you have SO much energy, and your spouse simply isn’t new and exciting. Worse, they’re probably telling you to stop your impulsive behavior or are bothered by your irritability. You want someone to enable you and agree that this is fun, fun, fun! Mania can also cause hypersexuality, leading to infidelity. Axel discards his named fiancée and two other unnamed fiancés. He discards friends, too.
Mania is often seen as only half of bipolar disorder, but for many, depression and mania are not equal. Many people with bipolar I disorder diagnosis have recurring back-to-back manic episodes with very few episodes of depression. Manic episodes in bipolar I are relatively long (most are between three to six months, but they can be as short as a week). Convergence occurs over, at most, four months, but there are indicators of his timeline of cycling:
“His body ached from his benders, and the nights he forced himself to stay awake because this time, every year, the nightmares returned.” (Side note: Dreams with a theme of injury or death are often a signal of a manic episode starting.)
Ney also points out: “You barely lasted a year back on Coruscant before winding up right back here in this chair.”
So we can assume that his cycles are probably once or twice a year. He can maintain a baseline mood, a bit of depression, and then the time of year marking when his father dies sets off the episode.
He would have been 18 or 19 when his father died, which unfortunately is a prime age for onset bipolar disorder, and a majorly traumatic life event is often a trigger for the first episode. He’s also 31 in Convergence, so even if it started as bipolar ii disorder (less intense, short hypomanic episodes with longer, more intense depressive episodes), he’s been unmedicated for at least ten years which is plenty of time for hypomanic episodes to turn into flow blown mania (especially with increased alcohol abuse).
When he goes to prison, there’s a lack of opportunities to feed his mania. Manic episodes are often combated by routine. You’re forced to live linearly rather than jumping from point to point. This can result in going back to baseline (ideal) or a depressive episode.
He’s remorseful in the epilogue of Convergence and admits to being lonely. While Axel fakes being sick, he’s engaging in self-harm by making himself throw up. He’s lethargic too, both of which may indicate a depressive episode.
Gella is probably the first person to experience hurt from his mania and still show him support. While he betrayed Elecia and Binnot, they only came back to exploit him. Gella comes back to confront him, but she’s still compassionate. In Cataclysm, he thinks about how Gella is the only person to have ever shown him this level of patience.
Like I mentioned before, it’s tough to maintain a friendship when you’re swinging between three modes. Gella saw him at his highest (which is where he hurt her) and lowest (where he is hurting) moods, and continued to want to engage with him.
But she wants him to give up his mania and “be better.” That’s no fun! So when Binnot shows up with a promise to bring chaos, he discards her.
And I hated him for it, and I was upset that Gella kept trying to help him.
I remember reading Convergence the first time and ONLY really liking Axel. Star-crossed lovers? Meh. Gella’s self-confidence issues? Lame. Fun, charming gambling addict? Why aren’t there more three of him.
But I remember thinking his motivations in the second half were unclear. Why would he throw his life away in such an extreme way? He’s highly educated, but he fucks with cults like this? Why is he blowing up the city if all he wants to do is destroy the poison? Why does he not comprehend the consequences of an explosion with his mother right there?
I thought the twist diminished his character and didn’t make sense. He was so fun! What happened! Why is he hurting me!
But that’s how you feel when someone you love is manic: “Wow! They’re so fun! Wait, why are they being self-destructive? Now they’ve hurt me.”
All of those questions I asked have one answer: Because he’s manic. His thoughts and motivations aren’t kept straight because he’s constantly having a flight of ideas. He throws away his life because he needs to take risks. The Mother knows he’s manic—if Gella noted the chaotic thoughts through the Force, surely Elecia can too. That’s why she calls him chaos, and she learns how to exploit his disjointed thinking. She knows how to make her religious beliefs appeal for his need for grandiosity in an episode.
He blows up Erasmus to destroy the poison because his brain jumped from Elecia’s motivation (blow up the city) to his own (let’s destroy the poison) without considering that the goals don’t align. He can’t comprehend that his mother would be hurt because his thoughts were spiraling too quickly for him to think critically.
I crashed out because I have bipolar II disorder. I didn’t even recognize my OWN tendencies on paper until my reread and I saw “dark, glittering eyes” and “mood swings” in the same paragraph, and I was like, “wait… I have mood swings and MY eyes get dark and glittery when I’m hypomanic.”
And my heart broke for him. I had my first episode at nineteen, and it ruined my life, and I’m still dealing with the consequences.
“I think you’re only allowed to be broken for so long before even the people you love start to wish you’d get over it.”
I felt that in my soul, because even when my parents showed me complete support, put me in a private mental health facility, and reiterated over and over again how much they loved me and just wanted me to get better, I know it took too long for them.
I also have a bipolar loved one. I crashed out over Kyong, too, because I’m guilty of being her. I cannot describe the level of frustration I feel towards my father. I completely understand why she treated Axel the way she did. It’s so HARD being around someone who refuses to take responsibility for their manic behavior. It’s so hard taking care of someone so lethargic that getting off the couch is impossible. It’s so hard being a loved one of someone who’s a D-list celebrity and is surrounded by manic-enabling goons. It’s so hard having a (hypo)manic family member embarrass themselves publicly, and now it falls on you. It’s so hard to watch him stay up for 50 hours at a time because he can’t sleep.
It’s so hard having to take care of my symptoms, but he refuses to acknowledge a single one of his.
So Axel was this cruel twist of a moving mirror, I saw myself, and then my father.
I do my best to de-stigmatize bipolar disorder. I am sick. I will be sick for the rest of my life. I take my medicine to eliminate the symptoms. I am responsible for my mental health, and I take my responsibility seriously.
I’m college-educated. My father is college-educated. (It’s estimated only 16% of people with bipolar disorder finish college.) My father and mother are still married, somehow, despite a few studies claiming the divorce rate is as high as 90% if someone in the marriage has bipolar disorder. They managed to raise a C-list celebrity child (not me 😕). My father is a m*ll*ona*re. And he did this all shit without a mood stabilizer of any sort. Or a support system for years.
Which is why I was so glad Axel got better. We can live normal lives. It takes hard work, and this disorder is only caught after majorly fucking up in most cases, so we have a rough start getting there, but it’s possible.
Oh, yeah, also, my father’s been to jail twice, so they have that in common, too.
Also, full disclaimer: Maybe I’m projecting! I’m not a mental health expert, but I’ve barely seen any (semi)positive bipolar representation outside of literary fiction focused on mental health, and Axel’s character really spoke to me.
