#bipolar representation

[somethingsomething-else]

I'm going to use this

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Daughter of Or - Kindle edition by Roehler, Stephanie. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use featur

I guess I wrote a whole book?

If you'd like a crossover of Crimson Peak, Cinderella, Twilight, and Dracula (that's also gay and says fuck you to the patriarchy) you might like my horror fantasy book, Daughter of Or!

Pre-orders are up now, but the ebook and paperback both officially release on May 26th (the same date as Dracula).

[somethingsomething-else]

Suo Wei: He is sick.

Xiao Shuai: Bro duh. Like. Literally.

Suo Wei: Bro I know. But I think he is sick and twisted also because of reasons unrelated to his mentall illness. He is just a horrible petty little shit.

[somethingsomething-else]

Finally I managed to watch all the Revenged Love episodes and I'm back on track. And I can now take the tag off my filtered tags.

Aaaaa the toxic slutty bipolar mania representation in my little snake gay series. And when Xiao Shuai was educating symptoms of schizophrenia, and Suo Wei asked about bipolar symptoms - he pointed out the symptoms right from the schizophrenia symptoms chart. Is this series true?? I couldn't be happier.

Silver Linings Playbook, Homeland, and REVENGED LOVE THE CHINESE TOXIC YAOI

Please let Wang Shuo stay horrible and alive to the end.

[somethingsomething-else]

If I will come to your home in the middle of the night, you wouldn't send me away, right? Even though we don't even know each other and I will eat the cake your boyfriend made for you.

U know I'm a mentally ill person, and it's serious uwu

[palepinkgoat]

“Because he’s crazy.”

No. Because he has a chronic illness that will be part of his life until the day he dies. 

[palepinkgoat]

IF this is true. And IF it was the show’s decision over Noel’s, and IF and IF and IF. This is my major problem. 

Underneath my love of Mickey’s character and Ian and Mickey’s relationship in general, here is my problem.

They chose not to show a functional relationship when someone lives with mental illness. 

It’s not like it had to be functional right away, of course. It takes time in reality, right? I mean, the show spent TWO SEASONS with Ian sick. Sick. An untreated, sick teenager. The show spent TWO SEASONS with Ian and Mickey’s relationship in turmoil. As the season went on, I felt there was movement, momentum - however wobbly- toward a renewal. A messy renewal, sure. But a new sense of purpose, a new stability, however delicate, as the season began to close. I’m a person with bipolar disorder with difficult mania control. I’m in a long term relationship. I’ve had problems. We’ve had problems. He’s had problems. It happens. I was waiting, eyes shining, waiting for the show to show how fragile, yet strong, those relationships can be, even in hard times. Because that’s how they can be. 

But that would be too kind, too easy.

My heart broke, not just because I fucking love those guys, but because the show did such a shit job. A shit job showing that above all, we can love and be loved.

They did a shit job. They chose to show people with bipolar disorder, people like me, as heartless, selfish robots. They chose to say we just trash relationships,  can’t love anyone, won’t love anyone, and won’t care when it ends or how it ends. If we end a relationship, especially a long term one, it’s callus, and we don’t look back, not ever. It doesn’t matter how much they love us, how much we love them. It doesn’t matter how deeply they care, how deeply they know us. It’s nothing. It means nothing. Kicked aside. People like my husband, people like Mickey. Boom. Who cares. 

Fuck that. We care, and we want to fight, even if we’re too sad or sick or mad or scared to. We can love and we do. 

If this is all true, if this is, it won’t be resolved, not even a little. Not with them. Not ever. There will never be that image, that progression, that truth and visibility. Mental illness isn’t just someone being crazy on TV. Living with mental illness is so much more than that. It’s the living part. It’s the “living with” part. Their relationship with that is actually pretty realistic, and viewers could gain so much with gentle representation. They love each other, they struggle, it’s real and messy and that’s how things are, sometimes. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be scared. It’s part of it. Those parts are harder to show. So they just didn’t. It’s bullshit. They’re cowards. 

They needed more time. Not just because we love them as characters. They needed more time Season 5. I wanted to see more time in season 6. To spend five seasons, including two sick seasons, and call it a day is a joke. 

I’m not laughing. But I’m just some bipolar fuck-up who apparently can’t love anyone or anything. I get manic more than I don’t. I’m Ian with more time, I’m Monica with fewer kids. That’s me in there, a bit. I do see myself there. I’m watching. I see myself, and I see those I love, and sometimes it’s just so hard to watch. I wish I could hug all of us. Those who are bipolar, those with mental illness, the people who love them, who love us, who we love. 

The show isn’t asking us what we want, what we feel and think. They don’t have to. They do a great job showing us who we are. We’re worthless, ugly plot devices that everyone ends up hating. Shows us what we deserve. Parades us out, sickest sides showing, until it’s time to beat us. Punish us. Not let us stand up and try again. Not let us try again to show our regret, our fear, our love. It rips it out of our hands, drop-kicks it around the corner, hands clean. Over.

The show isn’t asking our partners, those who love us, who we love, what they want. How they wish to be seen. I don’t even know. I wish I knew. I wish I knew how it felt to love someone like me. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve made threats. I’ve been cruel. But I’ve been careful and kind and loyal and trusting. I know how I love, and it’s a lot. It’s big, even when I’m scared and want to bolt. It’s a real thing, and I’m not going to kick it away and laugh as it runs around the corner, never to be seen again. 

I don’t know, Shameless. What I do know is that I’m pulling my 13-year old marriage certificate out of the trash where you just threw it. I’m smoothing the wrinkles out, because you’re right, it might be messy, but it’s not fucking garbage. It’s love and it’s real and it’s possible. I’d say I have paper to prove it, but I don’t need it. I never did. But I’m pulling it out of the trash. I’m smoothing it out and fixing it, taping it where you tore it. Taping it, and then I’m going to write you a letter, and I’m going to say these things. Tell you all these things, and more. 

[palepinkgoat]

ian e3: bipolar perspective

Hey kids. I've decided I'm going to (probably only) record my Ian/Bipolar plot thoughts publicly on my tumblr through the season, even though I have lots of other Shameless feels, just like everyone else. At heart, it's about the portrayal of mental illness, not of the Ian/Mickey boyfriends storyline. That said, they will overlap, certainly. Here we go.

Portrayal and tone this week: Although the screen time was brief, I was OVERJOYED to see Ian as a person first, bipolar symptoms second, Not symptoms first, person second. Read it a couple of times if it kind of seems the same. It's not all guns and yelling, and it is important for Shameless to show that. He's an incredibly sweet and loving person. He is not erased by illness. 

Symptom-wise this week: I was SO happy that the synopsis of "Ian goes on a cleaning spree of the Milkovich house was as mild as it was. I had blurted my bristled thoughts about the synopsis wording a bit in this post. Otherwise, he's in a nice, productive, functional place at the moment. This is not an "old Ian" time. He's still symptomatic. But again, not erased. 

Twenty Cents: Recently, I was asking advice from a friend about manias, which are my main pole dance. Mania is also common in her version of bipolar. I asked how she manages hypomania and physically/emotionally works on pushing through any fear when a higher climb to acute mania is common (the main issue I'm really trying to get under control med-wise.)  Doctor visit last week was hard. She said I seem to basically in some sort of mixed mania/mixed mood with some pop-up of mania, almost constantly lately. Which makes some sense since I rapid-cycle, but still. That probably began on the heels of my November episode, when I shifted to acute mania that was escalating very very quickly, scary scary things starting to happen. I thought I was doing better for a while, or at least not that bad. She said, "What happened?" I was jokey like, "I don't know." She said, "No, I mean think. Think hard. What happened before that. What was the stressor that could have contributed to that rapid escalation?" I have no idea. For all we know, there wasn't one.

Three-ish weeks ago, I had a more "classic" depressive episode (not moving much, frozen, staying in bed.) Two weeks ago, I went in. Last week I was back to jiggly legs and pressured speech. "WHAT'S UP DR. P? I'M DOING WAY BETTER!" So I'm back to every week for a while with significant med adjustments and a new strategy.

Back to my friend. She was like, "If it's mild, go ahead and be productive. Get it while the gettin is good." It made me laugh because it felt true to me. Before dx, I would have just felt on top of the world! So involved with all my dreams! So much energy for everything I hardly ever had time to do!  Now I know better. I know it's symptomatic, even if it's hard to admit when I feel so good. But if it is positive and any hallucinations and aggression and paranoia aren't  there, I'd still rather clean the house, make some lists, vacuum the car, can some applesauce. It gives the mind somewhere to focus. Somewhere to ride it out and hope for the best. I know it's not altogether "good," but it does help channel that energy.  Sometimes it doesn't last, but it can take some of the pressure off, even though it's still happening. It can pull out and ease the antsy feeling out of my body, if even for a while. I hope that makes sense. 

(hopefully they won't all be these long! i make no promises. you know how i do.)