I'm wondering how many male friends Ive ever actually had
I remember getting close to a boy at my swimming lessons, having fun in the pool swimming to the bottom and pulling the finger at each other thinking we were being so rude. I remember him calling me his girlfriend to my friend without asking me. I remember avoiding his phone calls after that.
I remember being close with many boys in highschool. How many of them were my friends and how many saw me as a competition to win. I remember a stoner with some of the prettiest eyes Ive ever seen hugging me close, I remember thinking what a good friend he was until he kissed me and told my crush that he would always come first. I remember hugging all of my friends every day, thinking it was so nice to have so many friends. I remember my best friend telling me all the boys would sneer at each other and hold it above the others if I hugged them first that day.
I remember my best friends boyfriend, I remember him being such a good friend. I remember good morning hugs at school, feeling like a sibling from how often I was at his house with my mum talking to his late into the night. I remember hugs with his hands on my tailbone pushing me against something hard at bellybutton height. I remember him visiting me after school when I was ill. I couldn't stand my body after that day, it wasn't the sickness that had me vomiting in the bathroom.
I remember talking to a boy, he asked me about my relationship. I told him that I had just been dumped, and thinking he was my friend I expected consolation. All I received was "damn, honestly I was gonna date you if he hadn't got there first."
I remember drinking with friends at Halloween, and being too anxious to pour my own drinks. I was new to parties, new to having these friends, new to feeling free from my past. I remember him talking to me about the latest super hero movie, I remember him letting me sneak sips from his cup. I thought he was being a good friend. I remember my partner and my friend telling me later that he was flirting.
I remember talking to a boy online, thinking he was interested in talking about different cultures and similar interests. He would greet me with new knowledge and then without fail I would receive a photo of him, from an angle I never asked to see. I began to dread receiving messages, even if it wasn't him. Months have passed and many of his messages are left unread out of fear.
Its scary to think about. When people get so angry about "the friend zone", I don't know what they mean. Its scary getting close to men because I have to constantly think "will this end in unsolicited touches and anger".
I'm tired of being seen only as a thing to date or make advances on.
