Day 20 (January 26th) - Bi the Way (Anders edition)
Anders’ sexuality is the theme of this day.
For @justhanderspositive‘s challenge: [HERE].
It takes me a bit to get to the actual bisexual bit of the prompt, and even then it’s not the focus so much as it is a device that Anders uses to help Hawke understand that he knows what it’s like for others to assume one thing just because of how another thing appears.
I still enjoy this piece, even if it’s not as prompt-centric as I hoped. Sometimes that’s just how the keystrokes click, if you know what I mean. ;)
Anders remembered the day that Hayden stumbled into his clinic, clutching a pair of worn yet pretty looking robes. Hayden glanced around, almost as though they hoped that Anders wasn't there, and yet... their eyes eventually spotted him, darning a couple of socks in the far corner nearest to the light of the high windows.
"Oh, Anders! Hello... um. Good afternoon."
Hayden ducked their head and shuffled forward a bit, still glancing around and holding their arms close to their sides. Clearly, they were uncomfortable about something. Anders put down his socks and thread and stood up, meeting Hayden halfway to hover over them, concerned.
"Afternoon, Hawke," he greeted them, smiling softly. "Are you alright? You seem tense."
Hayden frowned. "I thought I told you to call me Hayden," they grumbled. Anders laughed.
"So you did. Sorry, I'll not forget again. But, really, is something bothering you? Perhaps I can help." Anders looked down at the robes Hayden was still clutching tightly.
"Do you need help with those?" he asked, pointing to the robes. Hayden nodded.
"I-If you don't mind. But... that's not really what I came here to talk to you about." Hayden sighed and ran a hand through their hair, now more frustrated than uncomfortable. "I think... I... can, can we sit? Or maybe... do this while you're helping me with... these?" Hayden held out the robes, which Anders took from them gingerly. "Why don't you start by stripping down to your smalls first? I'll lock up the clinic for a bit so we can have some privacy."
Hayden nodded, and began to remove the armor, tunic, and trousers they were currently wearing while Anders briefly blew out the lantern and locked the door, coming back to find Hayden shifting in just their underthings next to one of the cots.
"Why is it so chilly down here?" Hayden complained idly, rubbing at their arms insistently. "It's nearly the height of spring, isn't it?"
Anders shrugged. "It gets much warmer later in the year. But come here and I'll help you get into these robes to warm you up. Do you want the trousers they come with, or...?"
Hayden debated with themselves for a moment before nodding. "Yes, I'll wear them for now."
Anders handed them to Hayden. "Then put these on first and we'll get started."
He watched as Hayden put them on, accessing them with a healer's gaze. Hayden was one of the more muscular mages he'd met outside of a Circle, though he supposed it came from growing up a farmer, like Anders had once upon a time. Hayden's muscles were slimmer, though, more densely packed from fighting with the staff they used to fight off the bandits and various creatures they came across on the odd jobs they completed around Kirkwall.
Hayden wasn't heavily muscled by any means, and likely wouldn't be unless they worked at it; they were more like Anders, tall and gangly with not much bulk and a little on the skinny side. Eventually, they finished putting on the trousers, socks, and boots, and Anders helped them into the silvery blue patchwork affair that was the robe they'd brought. It had a shoulder section lined in white fur, just like the hood that was attached to it and it hugged their frame nicely.
Anders then showed Hayden how to slide the belts through the proper holes and attach their belt pouches to them. Anders was just finishing up with the belt at the waist when Hayden grasped his hand.
"Wait. Is there... a way we can make it... tighter? But not, like... I don't know. Ugh.” They ran a hand through their hair again; frustrated. "I don't want to have a particular... look to it. Does that make any sense?"
Anders' eyebrows rose, and suddenly he understood. "Well, they're robes. They do a pretty good job of obscuring things like that on their own, depending on the cut. I can certainly show you the safest length you can tighten the belts to, but you also need to be able to breathe... and besides, I don't think clothing can necessarily help with what I think is troubling you. Why don't we sit in the back? I've got some tea going, a bit of bread and cheese..."
Hayden stared at him for a few moments, the tension in their shoulders slowly leaving them.
"You... you know what's wrong with me?" Hayden asked timidly.
Now it was Anders' turn to stare and sigh. "Oh, Hayden. There's nothing wrong with you... come on. Let's sit." Anders linked his arm with Hayden's and gently guided him to the back room he used as his sleeping quarters. The two of them sat down on the rug in the center of the floor while Anders poured them some tea and they made some small sandwiches from the small selection of bread, meat, and cheese that Anders had somehow not given away yet.
"So..." Hayden began after a while in an attempt to get the inevitable conversation started, "...so you know what's bothering me then? I don't think I meant to use the word "wrong"... I know it's not... not necessarily wrong." Hayden grasped their mug of tea with both hands and stared into the inky darkness of its contents.
"My father was sort of... the first to notice that I was... different. I didn't like being referred to as a boy, though I didn't know why it bothered me so. It became more obvious when the twins were growing up –especially Carver– my mother told me that older boys needed to look out for the younger ones. Father took me aside and asked me if I'd prefer to be a girl instead, but that... that wasn't right, either. I just wanted to be... me."
Anders nodded as Hayden continued, the words coming in a steady stream after the first few sentences were out of them.
"He told me that it was okay not to want to be either a boy or a girl. But sometimes Mother would still refer to me as her "oldest son" to the people in the village, and... well. I suppose, technically it's true." Hayden shrugged, gesturing to their physical self before they clutched the mug again and shook their head.
"I don't think that's what she meant. But Father always made sure that I was comfortable with who I was, and even after he passed, it was easy to remember his words and take comfort in them. Still, even though I knew I didn't want to be referred to as a she or a he... I needed to be referred to as something. So it's just been "he" for as long as I can remember, and it still chafes when my family forgets. Like, most people I meet are going to assume I'm a man, and I'm fine with that. But, like... when it's my friends and family who don't bother?"
Another shurg, and this time Anders nodded with understanding.
"I understand. It's like when people assume that I prefer men because pretty much all of my lasting relationships with people that I really cared about were men. But I do like women. I like women a lot. I spent a lot of my stint at the Pearl in Denerim with several women. Sometimes more than one at once. But it's like I said before, I believe that when a person falls in love, they fall in love with the entire person. It just so happens that the people I've dared to fall in love with were mostly men.
“Now, that sort of thing is a little different from your situation, but it's the same... idea. The frustration that comes from having to deal with the fact that not everyone will always understand or even respect who you are.
"But, I digress. I've met people like you in the Circle who didn't prefer one set of pronouns over the other. It might help to tell people to refer to you with something... neutral like "they" or "them". These are words people already know and are comfortable with, and they're easy to remember. There are other neutral pronoun sets out in the world, though I can't recall any off the top of my head... Isabela might know a few."
Hayden shrugged. "Oh, no need to go to such trouble for me. I think I like those myself. Like you said, they're simple to remember, and people already use them in their regular speech."
They grinned, and for the first time since they'd walked into the clinic, Anders watched Hayden truly relax. "After all, you really can't avoid saying "they" or "them" in a sentence very often, can you? Yes, I like those words very much." They laughed, seeming quite pleased with themselves. Anders couldn't help but chuckle a bit in return.
"I'm glad I could help you sort this out. Just know that if you want to talk about anything else, feel free to come by and ask, and maybe I'll know a thing or two that can help."
"I actually kind of want to know more about you, actually. Like... what you got up to at the Pearl? Isabela won't shut up about you when I take her anywhere, you know." Anders nearly choked on the bite of sandwich he'd been chewing and had to wash it down with a bit of his tea. He felt his face flush, and it must've been pretty bad because the mirth sparkling in Hayden's eyes was unmistakeable.
"You're asking about... like, sexuality now?"
"Yours, in particular." Hayden replied, gently digging one elbow into their knee as they propped their chin in one hand, still grinning like the cat that'd caught the cream. Anders tittered.
"I just told you that I'm attracted to both men and woman."
"And me," they added. "Yes," Anders replied without thinking, "and you."
Then Anders realized what he'd just said and Hayden had to set down their mug before rolling over with laughter. "I can't believe I got you to say that!" They descended into giggles for a moment or two before laying back on the rug and turning their head to look at him.
"What happened to the flirty Anders who I spoke to when we first met? I liked that version of you." Anders shrugged. "Old habits die hard," was all he said on the matter. "And, speaking of habits... would you like to tell everyone during our next card night about what we've discussed? Or at least tell them your preferred pronouns. They don't need every sordid detail... especially Isabela."
Hayden sat up and was suddenly sober for a moment as they thought about it.
"Yes... I think I'd like that. I might... might need your help with it. The telling of it. You know?"
"Whatever you need, Hayden," Anders promised.
"Thank you, Anders. For... all of this. And the robes. I mean, I could've asked my mother, but... I wanted to talk to you. I figured that you might understand."
"Do you want me to help tell your family as well?"
Hayden shrugged. "I suppose? If it gets you to eat a proper meal, sure. It's mostly Mother that I need to tell. Like, Carver's always been pretty decent about it, and even Gamlen sort of understands. If he's referred to me as a man to others, it hasn't been within my hearing."
"Hmm. I'd never say no to a free meal," Anders purred, and Hayden grinned triumphantly. "Then it's a date! You'll come tonight."
"Hayden..." Anders groaned. "It's not a date."
"Yes it is. Now do I have to stick around and help you out in the clinic to make sure you come, or..."
"Well, I never say no to a second pair of hands. I've got some potions that need brewing." "Will you show me how to make them? It's probably cheaper than ordering, isn't it?"
"Of course," Anders replied as he walked back into the clinic proper, unlocking the door and relighting the lantern outside. "And yes, sometimes. It is."
And so they worked side by side for the remainder of the day, Hayden unable to help keep themselves from smiling as they worked. They looked good in the robes, too; silvery blue was a nice color on them. Brought out their eyes. Eyes that sparkled and did things to Anders' insides that reminded him of how Karl had sometimes stared at him like Anders was some sort of amusing secret that only he'd known.
Anders wondered, briefly, if that was how Hayden thought of him. Then he shook his head and went back to his work; he had socks to darn later and he wanted to finish them in time to leave for that free meal he’d been promised.
